The Lily Harper 8 Book Boxed Set

by HP Mallory

  Any doubts I mighta had about bein’ on the right track blew away like dust when I heard the ruckus downstairs. I’d seen Conan fight often enough times to recognize his bellows and sword swings anywhere. There was a hummin’ noise that accompanied all the whooshes, clangs and bashes goin’ on, which I figured musta belonged ta the other guy. I could barely stand on my feet but I managed ta run down the stairs—and I wasn’t exactly wearin’ hikin’ boots—but I lit myself up so I could see wheres I was goin’ and ta ward away any threatenin’ night creatures and mosquitoes. ‘Cause, damn me but I hate those things.

  Tido had a light around him too, an old-fashioned lamp that spotlighted him and the iceberg idiot right behind him. Couldn’t make out the adverscary he was tusslin’ with except for that long-fingered, clawed hand that kept swingin’ in and out o’ the shadows. Couldn’t see who or what the hand belonged ‘cause it stuck to the shadows the whole time it battled with Tido.

  All the same, I could tell that Conan was losin’ the battle by inches. He could barely hold up that big-ass sword of his, and was bleedin’ from I-don’t-know-how-many wounds. His breathing sounded heavier than the combined weight of all the Wookies upstairs. I’d seen too many deaths on the battlefield not to recognize what was comin’ next.

  My mind flashed back to Nerdlet, when I wasn’t there on the night she died. Well, there was always a second chance, right? I was about to give myself one because dammit if I wasn’t going to be at the right place at the right time again. Only this time, I would save the fuckin’ day. Or at least I’d damn well try.

  Before I could stop myself, I ran right straight into that big ugly brute, the light pourin’ off me like a mini-sun, while yellin’ at Top Lung, “Back the fuck off!”

  I barely slipped between that bastard and Tido before that claw-hand pierced my poor body through the chest and out my back. Yeah, it hurt! Like really super-freakin’ bad but I knew I couldn’t die so I didn’t act like a wuss-ass. Instead, I decided ta go Chuck Norris on the fucker an’ make his day.

  Since I was impaled on the dude’s middle finger, I shot up my own middle finger at him in like a total kick-ass, legendary move that shoulda been in a movie.

  “Hey, yo, think ya gots something stuck… right about here,” I said, rubbin’ the beast’s knuckle up and down like he’d paid me.

  The monster roared and tried ta shake me off.

  “Yeah, I know,” I said, hardly ignorin’ the pain. “It’s a real… inconvantage but hey… who ever said the afterlife would be easy?” My voice came in raspy breaths but I could already sense my body tryin’ to heal itself. Good luck! Especially with this fucker’s talons graspin’ through me.

  Dude tried to shake even harder ta release me. I didn’t budge but I grabbed his finger just in case I did. “I’m sorry, but… is this supposed ta… actually hurt me?”

  About that time, he used his other hand ta grab my sides before he started pullin’ me off. I tried ta dig my fingernails into his enormo-finger but I couldn’t get a grip and I started slidin’ off. A silver flash crossed over Tall, Dark and Gruesome’s wrist, makin’ it yell louder than I did. Meanwhile, I took a quick trip back to the floor. The damn hand I was spiked on made it impossible for me ta get up ‘cause it was still stuck all the way through me.

  The light over our heads flickered and almost went out when Tido grabbed the freshly severed hand I was stuck on and dragged it and me out o’ there.

  “C’mon, stookie angel,” he wheezed, pulling me back towards the door. I wondered how he found the strength to take those steps.

  O’ course, that would be the moment when the door suddenly busted open and an angry Wookie or three appeared on the other side. Don’t know how he possessed the presence o’ mind ta think of it, but Tido flattened us against a wall before those pissed-off greater assholes came barrelin’ downstairs.

  Dipshits did the bloodhound routine and started sniffin’ out Tido an’ me, but they wasn’t the trackers I am so they just ended up goin’ right past us. A couple seconds later, the thing Conan was tanglin’ with belched out another yell. Next thing was a loud enough noise in the dark ta tell us the Claw Creep and the Wookies were havin’ one serious disa-gracement.

  Tido took that opportunity ta drag me, him and his faithful sword up the stairs. He was so depleted that he couldn’t help breathin’ super heavy while gettin' us up, up and away. That’s why it came as no shock ta me when we saw the mummies lookin’ right at us after he crawled through.

  “Eyes wide shut!” I yelled at Tido then I poured on my angel light. A couple seconds later, they were stumblin’ around like drunken penguins while we made our way back ta the shack.

  “Time would not serve us for report so long…”

  - Dante’s Inferno

  TWENTY-NINE

  Bill

  Once we returned to the collapsed cell, Tido turned the other way and started to walk off like he had no clue which direction he shoulda been walkin’ in.

  “Whoa, whoa,” I told him, hittin’ his wrist from my perch. I was still spinnin’ on the hand that was buried inside me. “Don’t know if all that bleedin’ is thwhackin’ up your compass, Conan, but the front door’s that way.”

  “Aye,” he muttered, “an’ oonless ye brought ah feast fer the both o’ oos, we’re nae gettin’ that mooch past it. We need sustenance an’ Ah needs tae rest fer a spell.”

  “Somehow, I don’t think there’s any drive-thrus down here,” I pointed out, wonderin’ if all that blood loss coulda really warped his mind.

  “Aye boot there’s ah right… cafeteria what… can provide fer oos. All we gotta… gotta…”

  He started droopin’, so I slapped his wrist even harder. “Hey, hey! I didn’t get turned into an angel-kebob just so you could conk out on me now, Tido! How far away’s this cafeteria?” An’ I had me no idea just what kind of food they could be servin’ up this side of hell.

  He took a deep breath and nodded toward a pair o’ double doors that were just ahead. Stumblin’ the rest o’ the way towards ‘em, he damn near fell through them when we made our way in.

  It definitely looked like a cafeteria, three sets of long tables and benches as iced up as the floor and walls. A lot of screamin’ and shoutin’ could be heard when Conan dropped me ta grab the nearest table and steady himself. I looked over the big counter where the racket was comin’ from and felt a little sick.

  Every one o’ the souls workin’ that kitchen had perfecto body-os revealin’ a lot of abuse. I saw more than a few cuts and bruises that all but stank of the greater assholes’ standard torture games. None of these sorry aholes looked like they belonged in this level of the Underground, so my best guess was they musta been imports.

  I wanted ta figure out more about the sitch but Tido didn’t look like he could stand up much longer. “What’re ya waitin’ there for, yo?” I yelled at the lot of ‘em, glarin’ at each one individuistically. “My man here needs some food, on the double! Chop-chop-chop!”

  That snapped them out of their paralysis and they went right to work. Hated goin’ all Gordon Ramsey on ‘em but Tido’s time was limited. He began to lie down on the table like it was a big feather bed. The way his aura kept flickerin’, I expected he’d never wake up if he dared ta go ta sleep.

  One of the kids, a caramel-colored boy with a pretty face and no hair, appeared from behind the counter and grabbed Tido’s shoulder and my hand ornament. “Gotta get you out o’ sight,” he whispered. “Those demons will make you their next meal if they spot you.”

  “Word up,” I said, extendin’ my fist. The kid smiled, droppin’ Tido for a second ta give my fist a bump. Then, with the help of two of the others, they hauled both of us behind the servin’ counter sose we’d be outta the way o’ any onlookers.

  He pulled us all the way to the back o’ the kitchen. It was warmer than the rest o’ this dump but twice as filthy. Grease stains covered the floor and none of the cutlery looked like it had ever been washed. OSHA wou
ld have condemned this spot as a bio-haters zone two seconds after seein’ it. But at least the heat o’ the ovens kept most the cold off and Conan was soakin’ it up as much as I was.

  Baldy joined the others in choppin’ up something on the counter that looked like it came straight from the Dark Wood. “Got… got any… water?” Conan asked.

  One girl, a Buffy lookalike with more bimbo features glued on, filled a big pot with the nasty, bloody meat as she answered, “Yeah, we melted the ice.”

  “Don’t know if it’s safe to drink but…” another dude said. He had Calvin Klein muscles and he was bringin’ over a ginormous bowl o’ water.

  Tido tilted his head a little. “T’will do, lad… care ta do the honors?”

  While the kid started pourin’ the water down Tido’s gullet, I used my third eye ta take a look around. Like I figured, all the kids’ auras revealed they were newlydeads, which could only mean one thing. “Yo, are all o’ youse Retrievers?”

  “Yeah, man,” the bald kid said, grasping the hand I was still stuck on by the wrist. “At least, we tried to be. Guess we weren’t good enough if we’re here now, right?”

  “Well, how the hell were we supposed to make it?” one of the others asked. She was an Asian girl who chopped the meat they were throwin’ into the pot. “No training, only Dante’s Inferno for a guidebook, and a slew o’ big-ass monsters nobody told us about… we were fu—” Then she looked at me again and said, “Uh, we were screwed from the start.”

  “You gotta point, Alice,” Baldy said.

  The doors burst open, and the bald kid released the hand I was stuck onto as he got back on his feet. Calvin Klein took one look at Tido, who gave him the nod to stand up too. Good thing we was behind the counter an’ hidden because a Wookie started yellin’ from the dinin’ area.

  “Just got it done,” Bimbo Buffy yelled back ta him. “How much do you want?”

  He yelled out his reply and Bimbo Buffy threw a huge flank of meat outta the pot and across the room. The Wookie made a lot of messy mastiburcation noises on the other side before slammin’ through the doors again.

  Alice sighed with relief. “Way too close… are we really sure that helping these two out is a good idea?”

  “Helping these two will hurt the bastards that are keeping us here,” Baldy shot back, kneelin’ down to pull on the hand that was kebobing me.

  “Why do you always have to talk so much sense, Percy?” Alice asked.

  Baldy just shrugged back at her. “I dunno. Somebody has to, I guess. Yo, my man’s gonna be needing that roast meat. Is it ready yet, Bri?”

  Bimbo Buffy looked a little embarrassed as she brought over another steaming flank of… whatever the fuck it was. “I don’t think this one is as well done as what I threw to the big guy.”

  Tido just grabbed it and started munchin’ it down like it was freakin’ KFC extra crispy wings. I was ready ta give him some grief ‘bout his terrible manners when I finally slid off the finger. I cried out ‘cause it hurt like a bitch. Baldy tossed the hand into the nearest corner.

  “You’re gonna be fine, angel,” he said, that mansome face lookin’ worried about me.

  I winced but nodded. “Just get me some of what Tido’s eatin’ and I’ll be golden.”

  Just like that, Bimbo Buffy dropped another steaming piece o’ meat in my lap.

  While I was busy stuffin’ my face, I watched Tido’s wounds heal up. Then I saw the color return to his face, and arms, and abs, and everything else. Even the holes on either side o’ me started ta heal but that woulda happened even without the food.

  The kids were still a little scared, lookin’ over the other side for any signs o’ trouble. But they kept on feedin’ us and Tido kept on eatin’. After a few minutes, we were both good enough ta stand.

  Conan looked around at every one o’ them. I coulda swore he had tears in his eyes. “Lads… lassies… me an’ the stookie angel here owe ye a mountain o’ debt we cannae repay.”

  “Uh, how about just getting us out of here and we’ll call it even?” Calvin Klein asked, still lookin’ freaked out.

  “Take us to the Toy Store, if you know where that’s at, and that’ll be repayment enough,” Bimbo Buffy added.

  Both Conan and me looked at her with a surprised expression.

  “Aye, lass… although ‘tis quite a ways from here. How do ye know aboot it?”

  “Rumor running round,” Baldy explained. “Anyone that gets to the Toy Store is as safe as they’re ever gonna get down here.”

  Hmm, those was interestin’ rumors fo sho. An’ I couldn’t say I was surprised ‘cause Jenny’s place was like Disneyland as far as I was concerned.

  “So you’re an actual angel?” Alice inquired with a face of wonder.

  “That I am,” I said with a lotta angel pride.

  “Then you can help us get outta here?” Baldy asked.

  Conan sighed, looking down at the dirty floor. “Wish it were so, lad. Joost look at the state o’ oos… we’ll be doin’ our best joost tae rescue ourselves.” He took a deep breath. “There are too many o’ ye an’ ‘twould be tae risky fer all o’ oos tae attempt sooch an escape.”

  Alice tossed her knife on the counter. “How fucking long are we supposed to put up with this shit?!”

  Baldy hissed at her and slapped the air but I didn’t mind. She had the right attitude; she just needed the right target to put in her sights.

  “Look, doll,” I said, pointin’ at the hand. “And I mean really look. The thing that I was attached to was just a mini-boss. Ya wanna know what the actual level bosses around here look like firsthand?”

  “Pun intended?” Baldy asked with a smirk.

  I realized what I’d said and nodded. “Yeah, definitely.”

  Baldy wasn’t buyin’ it but Tido managed to sit up and he locked eyes with each one o’ them like a hooded cobra. “There be naethin’ we kin do fer ye now. But this, Ah swear ta ye all. Sae long as Ah still got breath in meh body, strength in meh arms an’ a weapon in me hand, Ah’ll nae stop seekin’ ah way ta set ye all free. On that, let me word rest.”

  “An’ this guy’s word is his bond,” I added.

  Bimbo Buffy looked around at the rest o’ the bunch and sighed. “What have we got to lose by trusting them, guys?”

  “Bet on that,” Baldy agreed, holdin’ out his fist to Conan. Conan bumped it with a grim nod.

  ***

  While Tido was gettin’ some more meat for the road, I did a little scoutin’ ahead to make sure this particulate coast was clear. Once I gave Tall, Dark and Brooding the nod, we went inta the corridors. A few Watchers were givin’ the place their evil eye. Conan put all o’ them eyes out nice and quiet. As soon as we left the collapsed cell, I said, “Yo, I figured them greater assholes oughta be out in full force by now.”

  “The Wendigo probably turned ‘em inta a six-course feast,” Tido replied. “How’d ye git down here tae find me, stookie angel?”

  “That’s a long ass story, Tido,” I answered before recitin’ the long ass story. I filled ‘im in on my misadventures with Furiosa, the Gobbling Garbage Truck and Mr. Car’s Last Ride. He nodded and looked amused when I told him the last part.

  “Aye, tis nae surprise that it be useless now. Engine were knockin’ pretty hard when it brought me here. Guess we go tae the checkpoint on foot, now we do.”

  “And what the fuck are we gonna do when we get there?”

  “We’ll decide when we reach it,” Tido said really casually. “Boot first, let’s say our fare-thee-wells ta Margareet at the desk, shall we?”

  Once we got near the double doors back at the desk, I saw that rough mug on Conan lighten up. He looked down at me before puttin’ a hand on my shoulder. “Weren’t fer ye, woulda been me who provided the feast fer the Wendigo. Thank ye fer savin’ me life, stookie angel.”

  Goddamn if I didn’t feel something stickin’ in my eye. I put my hand over his and said, “You’d do the same for me, Tido… y’know, if I ha
d a life youse could save and all.”

  I believe he smiled under that thick-as-shag-carpetin’ beard. “Well, as it happens, ye and Ah do. An’ the life we have tae save goes by the name o’ Lily Harper.”

  “By one same sin polluted in the world…”

  - Dante’s Inferno

  THIRTY

  Lily

  The minute I entered the dining room, Alaire did something I’d never seen him do before… he became speechless. Probably because the outfit I dug out of Persephone’s closet was a tight-as-hell, black catsuit made of PVC. The bodice had a couple of brass rings attached to it—I’m sure part of a “knockers” joke—and I had to stitch up the crotchless area. But despite it showing off every delectable curve on my body, this was the best version of protective gear I could find. I rounded out the stunning package with a pair of heels that made every step feel like I was teetering on stilts.

  Swallowing hard, my captor finally found his voice. “I have to admit this is a radically different look for you, my dear.”

  “But not a bad one, I hope?” I asked him, spinning on one heel to let him view all of me. I had to end my turn abruptly when I nearly lost my balance. Yes, I was playing it up but there was a reason why.

  Alaire snorted a bit at my sloppy pirouette but he managed to keep his usual smirk off his face. “Far, far from it… though it strikes me now that a definite change in your outlook may have occurred as well.”

  I struggled to keep the panic off my face at hearing his words. I knew he was just probing for my real motives as usual. It was unlikely that he had any inkling of the additional supernatural being—or was it?—that had taken up residence inside me.