by HP Mallory
While he was out partying, I was getting prematurely killed by the falling contents of a chicken transport truck. My death was so ridiculous, I was sure it must have been included on a weird death list blog somewhere by now.
Regardless, Afterlife Enterprises subsequently partnered Bill to me, with the explicit warning that he was officially on their shit list for his callous oversight. He did come with some advantages. For one, he couldn’t be killed and he also acted like a human flashlight when he turned on his angel aura. Most of the time, he acted like an uncouth party animal whose favorite pastimes were complaining about Tallis’ food, lusting after any sexy woman in the vicinity, and mangling the English language in his futile attempts to sound cultured.
Still, he wasn’t the same since we got back. All his days of catching up on lost meals might have restored his portly physique but there were other things he couldn’t resume so easily. I nearly jumped at the sound of his cell phone buzzing. The buzzing did nothing to wake Bill up.
The phone was a burner phone I’d purchased at a shop Bill thought was safe. Both of us had AE-issued cellphones but we both were paranoid about our enemies (AKA Alaire) being able to track us through them. So we decided to get burner phones that had nothing to do with AE.
Bill had surprised me by suggesting that we get a cell for Tallis too. Like any recluse who preferred to exist in the most hostile stretch of wilderness known to the universe, Tallis wasn’t thrilled by the idea. But to his credit, he agreed that having a backup phone made good sense. It only took Bill and me a couple of days to teach him how to answer his new phone. Texting was still a lesson that remained unlearned.
It was then that I realized Bill hadn’t used his AE provided phone since we got the new ones. I made a note to ask him to use his AE phone when he woke up. The last thing we needed was for AE to get suspicious.
I spotted my phone sitting on the coffee table in front of the sofa. The battery was at 97%, enough for me to take the cell off the charger and check my messages. While my email was littered with spam, there were still no messages from AE on my Soul Retriever status.
When I’d issued my last report, I was told the “implied accusations” I made in it—which were far from “implied” but whatever—required official investigation. My handler, Streethorn, expressed his disbelief about the Eighth Circle—or the Morgue, as it was called—being ripped apart by a civil war. That was despite all the eyewitness testimonials from people besides me who saw it. But subsequent news about missing shipments from the Department of Requisitions, which were backed by eyewitness statements and documentary proof, were harder to dismiss. No one had said anything to me about either claim since then, which also made me nervous.
Speaking of other things that made me nervous, I glanced over at my sword. It was propped in the corner next to the front door. Tallis kept trying to convince me to keep it in the bedroom for the last two weeks but this was as close as I wanted it. A finely crafted blade, it was forged by Tallis, himself, and enchanted. I’d developed a rapport with it. Unfortunately—or fortunately, depending on how you looked at it—something else existed inside the blade, some kind of spirit that was watching over me.
I started calling this spirit The Self and I wondered about its true intentions. Without this spirit, I’d probably still be trapped in Alaire’s castle; and even if I had escaped, I doubt I could have found Tallis or Bill afterwards without the sword’s help. But the way the sword pushed me around sometimes seemed more like tough love. It showed me visions of the person I truly was so I could finally overcome my self-image problems. It guided me into an active warzone so I could find my beloved. It sometimes possessed my body too, making my appearance a hybrid, that is, somewhere between my pre-Soul Retriever self and my post-mortem upgrade. After my last conflict with the sword, my body began going through a series of changes I was now obsessively examining every morning.
That last part really freaked me out. When it came to soul possessions, I was no lightweight. I’d already been possessed twice by two different spirits: a nympho bitch named Persephone and a bloodthirsty psycho named Donnchadh. Neither was a good experience, and they both made me do things I still felt pretty terrible about. So what exactly were The Self’s needs here? And how were my body changes managing to fulfill those needs right now?
I gingerly picked up the sword, doing my best not to awaken Bill. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting at touching the sword, but there were no lightshows or sudden changes in my body to report. And for that, I was a little bit glad. I trembled slightly as I thought about what would happen if something like that did occur the next time I touched my sword. Then I shook my head. Worrying was never a useful emotion. Maybe it was high time I did something that was useful.
Going back to the center of the room, I brandished my sword and began silently practicing my morning drills. Bill snored away while I worked. The entire time, I could only wonder if these drills were actually preparing me for whatever was coming next.
TWO
Lily
I got so wrapped up in my training that I barely noticed the dawn breaking. The dim lighting allowed me to make out more of the apartment’s bland eggshell walls, but that’s as far as it went. In matters of importance, the constant movements of block, parry, swing and thrust took priority. Then a familiar bass voice broke the spell.
“Besom? Where are ye?”
Bill groaned, turning over to face the couch. “Yo, it’s too early…”
I didn’t want to stop training but Tallis would continue until I said something. “In here.”
The bedroom door opened and the big Scotsman strode over. He was dressed in his brand new breican-an-feiladh, the “great kilt”, that I insisted on buying for him.
And Tallis had insisted on giving me a long history of the breican-an-feiladh, which was apparently the characteristic dress of the Highlander from the late sixteenth century onwards.
It was a loose garment made up of around eighteen feet of tartan that Tallis wore draped over one of his shoulders. And, no, he never wore boxers or briefs beneath his kilt. He believed his sausage and biscuits needed to breathe.
His eyes went from me to my blade. “How long ye been trainin’ this morn, lass?”
I had to think about that. “I figure this is probably my sixth rep with the drills. What time is it?”
“Tole ya already, Nips, too early!” Bill called, his voice muffled by the couch cushions in which his face was still buried.
Unimpressed, Tallis walked over to the sofa and gave it a soft kick. “Ach, git off yer arse, stookie angel! ‘Tis dawn, an’ Ah’m in nae mood fer yer nonsense this early.”
The groan from Bill this time sounded like an angry bear… Well, more like an angry teddy bear anyway. He rolled over and scratched his head, his hair sticking out and reminding me of Pinhead’s needles. Bill groaned as he got to his feet before crunching all the fast food wrappers as he walked. “Youse people gots no conceptidea of how much beauty sleep I need.”
I stifled a laugh as I lowered my sword. “If beauty’s the ultimate goal, Bill, I’d say another three hundred years of solid sleep might suffice.”
Bill blew a raspberry at me while pocketing his phone. He still seemed completely oblivious to the small garbage pile he stood in the middle of. “So… what’s fer breakfast?”
I pointed down at the cans and wrappers he so conveniently ignored. “Absolutely nothing until you start cleaning up that mess.”
My ex-guardian angel looked like he was about to argue. But instead, he cast his sour gaze from me down to the mess. “Fine… but breakfast better be top-notcheral.”
I was about to walk over to the fridge to see if we had anything for breakfast when Tallis’s next question stopped me. “Any word yet from AE?”
Just like that, my calm focus from the drills collapsed. Now I was back to worrying about things I had very little control over. Or, actually, no control over. “Nothing from them before I started my sword exercis
es.”
Tallis didn’t appear satisfied with my answer, so I walked over to my AE cell and looked again. A few seconds later, I shook my head. “Annnnnd nothing has changed since then. Jesus, what do you think is taking them so long?”
Bill looked up from his trash-gathering. “I keep tellin’ ya, Lils, they’re waitin’ on that report from the shrink yer seein’ later today.”
His reminder not only made me groan, but also roll my eyes up to the ceiling. “God, that’s today?” I whined.
Bill shrugged as he crushed one of his aluminum cans to wafer width. “Unless I was readin’ the letter wrong, which is kinda prepostural.”
The letter to which Bill was referring still sat unattended on the counter in the kitchen. It was a notice from AE that I would be visited by one of their shrinks and my appointment time was, you got it, today.
Tallis saved me the trouble of looking for breakfast ingredients by doing it himself. He came out with a tray of eggs. “Does it nae strike either o’ ye as peculiar that AE could be sendin’ ye a plain letter instead o’ a proper email or text as is their usual wont?”
The little angel rolled his eyes while stuffing all the trash into a paper bag. “Oh, boy, all aboard the Crazy Parannoying Train…”
“This from the wee fella that insisted on gittin’ them poxy cellphones a few days back?”
Bill glared at him. “Thin line between bein’ aware o’ trouble an’ outright parannoying, Conan… an’ yer big feet happens ta be planted in the latterly side o’ that fence.”
Riddled with unease, I couldn’t let that one go. “Well, it’s not like Tallis doesn’t have a valid point, Bill. In the past, AE preferred to communicate by phone call, text or email. I mean, the whole reason I’ve even got the Soul Retriever job is because of Y2K, right? But this? A snail mail letter?”
When Bill put the last of his mess into the bag, the little guy straightened up to look at me. “Maybe AE’s goin’ back to the old way of doin’ things?” he asked with a shrug.
“Why would they do that?” I asked.
Bill shrugged again. “AE only puts the most qualifinable dead shrinks on their payroll, so I thinks you’re gonna be fine.”
Even without Donnchadh in my system, I was rapidly losing patience with Bill’s blasé attitude. “Yeah, that’s another thing. They’re sending a guy. I mean, how hard could it be to send a woman over?”
The sound of sizzling brought my attention to the kitchen. While Bill and I argued, Tallis had cracked open some eggs and was frying them on the skillet. The bladesmith favored me with a smile.
“While Ah dinnae know much ‘bout the human psyche, Ah do know that there be a good chance, this psychologist could help ye…” He capped off his explanation with a shrug.
“Shrink, Conan, not psychologist… shrink,” Bill corrected Tallis.
My eyes flared at both of them. “I don’t need a pyschocologist, er a shrink,” I said as I glanced over at Bill. “My mental health is… just fine. What I need is an answer from AE about what they plan on doing about the fact that The Underground City is in upheaval!”
Bill sighed as he dropped the trash into the wastebasket. “Look, Nips, AE ain’t gonna do nothin’ ‘bout that. You know it an’ I know it.” He glanced back at Conan. “An’ maybe even June Cleaver over there knows it.” Then he studied Tallis a bit more closely. “What in the hell’s happened to your kilt, Tido? It looks like it’s trying to swallow your head!”
“Aye, an’ then it be comin’ fer yer head, ye walloper!”
Walloper was another word for idiot.
“Just be glad it’s not war time,” I said to Bill.
“What you talkin’ ‘bout?”
I faced Tallis. “Tallis, tell Bill what the highlanders would do with their breican-an-feiladhs in times of battle.”
Tallis didn’t stop preparing breakfast but nodded as he continued stirring the eggs so they wouldn’t burn. “Aye, the Highlanders would discard the coombersome plaid, leavin’ them stark naked from the waist down.” Then he looked at Bill. “Many’s the enemy who fled in terror before a Highland charge that displayed sooch awesome weaponry!”
“Ugh, I think I just lost my appetite,” Bill groaned.
“I doubt that’s true,” I said as my jaw tightened when I thought about AE again. “I think the reason we haven’t heard shit from AE is because the company has been compromised from front to back by Alaire.”
“You said shit, Nips!” Bill responded, as he gave me an expression of pride.
“Back to the subject, Bill.”
“Righty-O, well we don’t know if AE got Blondie callin’ all the shots. I mean, Poly an’ Sally are proof that—”
“Are they really proof?” I interrupted. “How do you know they aren’t hiding inside Alaire’s back pocket, just waiting to spring a trap the second we drop our guard?”
Tallis looked at me with alarm as he slid the over-easy eggs onto three plates. Then he placed the plates in a row on top of the bar and walked around the counter. Bill was already taking his stool at the end of the counter.
I couldn’t help melting like butter when Tallis wrapped those big arms around me. “What’s this really aboot, Besom? Ah know ye ain’t been sleepin’ too well, boot this goes far beyond.”
I sighed into his chest, wishing I could disappear for the rest of the day in his embrace. “Because, as nerve-wracking as AE’s radio silence is, it’s still better than disclosing the stuff we didn’t put in the report. Now that a doctor insists on talking to me, I’m scared anything I say could be used against me.” I looked up and gave his hairy jawline a kiss. “Against us.”
I felt my left arm getting a gentle squeeze from Bill. “Hey, let’s bomb that bridge when we gits to it, Lils,” he said in between mouthfuls of eggs. “Meantime, don’t tell this stooge nothing ye don’t wants him to know. If he’s a true professurinal, as those ol’ school guys tends to be, he’ll just let it go.”
That’s when my inner dread spewed out of my subconscious and began racing from my mouth. “But what if this shrink disqualifies me from ever being a Soul Retriever again? AE could still decide to banish me to Shade for the next hundred years.”
Not that Shade was necessarily horrific. From what Streethorn told me, it was actually no more than a dull, gray place, designed to keep you bored for however long you were condemned to stay there. I still considered it more hellish than all the monstrous pains I endured in the Underground City. Just because Streethorn used the Shade schtick to persuade me to sign up with AE didn’t make the threat any less real now. And the idea of being away from Tallis and even Bill for one hundred years just sounded… like its own form of hell.
Tallis’s grip on me tightened a little. “We’ll nae let that happen, lass.Will we, stookie angel?”
My little angel got an unusually serious look on his face. “Bet yer hairy ass, yo. If Uriel was standin’ right here with us, he’d say the same thing… or, ya know, pretty damn close.”
I could hear my screw-up for a guardian angel choking off tears at the mention of his cherished old mentor, Uriel. After we saw a photo of the original Angel of Death confined to one of Alaire’s dungeons, it wasn’t hard to figure out why.
Tallis gave me a couple of pats on the back. “Now coome on an’ break yer fast.”
###
As we gathered around the coffee table with our plates of hot eggs and a bowl of biscuits that Tallis later insisted on whipping up, Bill was too busy stuffing his face to talk. Tallis didn’t speak either, but he kept giving me a concerned look. It might have been due to the letter on the right side of my plate. A letter I’d read I don’t know how many times.
Dated about a week ago, it was typed by what looked like an old-fashioned typewriter, right down to the smudge marks. Take out all the fancy words and you were left with a subtle order to be home today precisely at ten AM.
My inability to comply with that request when the psychiatrist arrived would, and I quote, “advers
ely affect my recertification as a Soul Retriever,” so I was fully prepared to obey the order. But frankly, at the rate they were losing Soul Retrievers lately, I wondered if AE could afford to cast me aside. Bill must have been thinking about the appointment too because he kept checking his phone. “Ten more minutes to go… better git our bellies satisfried.”
Tallis took a deep breath as he swallowed the last bite of the last biscuit. “Och aye, Ah certainly see how ‘satisfried’ ye are, down ta yer buttons, stookie angel.”
“Hey, we both gots fresh memories o’ what it feels like to starve. Ya wants to relive ‘em, yo, then be my guest. I prefers to make sure that never happens to me again.”
Although Bill didn’t mean to, his comment triggered some really ugly memories of the time we spent in Alaire’s castle. I always had plenty to eat, but watching both of them suffer from malnourishment was its own form of torture.
Choosing to change the topic, I decided to broach a touchy subject. “What are you going to do about your cabin in the Dark Wood, Tallis?”
A subtle wince rippled across Tallis’s face before he gave me a confused look. “How d’ye mean, lass?”
“Well, the place is abandoned, all your pets are… gone…” As in, they’d been murdered. “And there are still a lot of monsters roaming around in those woods. If you don’t do something about it soon, something nasty might decide to move in.”
Tallis took a long time before he finally replied. “Right now, yer protection means more ta me than me cabin or anythin’ else. That’s why Ah’ve stayed so close since…” His words failed and he cleared his throat. “Ah’d like ta get back ta me cabin eventually, mind ye. We can surely make use o’ a haven from all the nasties Alaire can an’ will throw at us. But gittin’ ye back ta bein’ a sound Soul Retriever takes priority now. We’ll hafta settle the other matter afterwards.”
