In Other Words

by Jennifer Woodhull

  I squeeze her hand. “I just wish you had told me…before…back then.” I bring her hand up and brush my lips across the back of her fingers.

  “You’re happy now.” Clair smiles, though there’s a mist in her beautiful blue eyes. “You love Tabitha. I’m happy too.”

  I lean forward and put my arms around her neck, hugging her close.

  “Love you, Dex.” She says it so softly that the words prick at my heart.

  “Love you back.”

  “Always? No matter what?” She buries her face in my shoulder.

  “Nothing in the world could change that. Nothing.”

  We head in and have lunch. Our words are easy. Comfortable. Just like old times. When we return to the office and I drop her at her car, she turns to leave, and I tug on her arm, bringing her close. I wrap her up and she hugs me back just as tight.

  “I’m glad everything is…right.” She smiles as she turns to leave.

  It is right. She’s happy with Cole. I care about Tabitha. Love her, maybe. Things are as they should be.

  That doesn’t explain why my heart is spinning in my chest. It doesn’t explain why, deep down inside, I feel like a small part of me is about to slip away.

  CHAPTER 24

  Dexter

  SINCLAIR IS THROWING A going away party for Cole and several of his friends from the team. The party is in a private room at Parson’s Steakhouse. I pull up to the valet and take Tabitha’s arm as she steps out of the car.

  In the elevator, she checks her appearance in the mirrored wall.

  “You’re gorgeous.” I deposit a chaste kiss on her temple as I look at her reflection.

  “Thanks. You look pretty damn hot in that suit yourself. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone, but I’m also anxious to get you all to myself when we get back to your place.”

  I bring her chin up and kiss her hard. “You and me both.”

  Inside, we make the rounds, saying hello to everyone. Clair and Lily greet us, and spirit Tabitha off to meet some of the people she doesn’t know. I grab a drink and head toward where Cole and Jorge are talking with a couple of other players.

  “My man!” Cole exclaims, throwing an arm around my shoulder. It’s clear he has already had a few drinks, but he’s happy when he’s this level of buzzed.

  “Hi, Cole. Jorge. You guys ready for camp?”

  “Yes, although, I will be counting the days until I can get back to my beautiful Lily.” Jorge wriggles his eyebrows. “My flower is incredibly special.”

  “Dude, leaving the girls sucks,” Cole slurs. “You gotta keep an eye on Sinclair while I’m gone, Dexter.”

  “Of course. I’ll check in on her,” I take a sip of my scotch. “Lily too,” I turn my attention to Jorge. “You two should focus on training.”

  “You’re the best, Dexter. You’re my best friend, my business partner, fuck, dude, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be with Sinclair right now.” He awkwardly throws an arm around my neck, taking me in a fraternal headlock as he turns to Jorge. “I love this guy right here.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  “Jorge, there’s Mathias. Be right back,” Cole and Jorge walk toward the door where a small crowd has just entered.

  “Having fun?” I hear Clair’s voice just behind me.

  “Hi,” I nudge my shoulder to hers. “It’s a nice party. You did a great job putting it together.”

  “I thought it would be nice to get everyone together before the guys head out. I know it’s only three weeks, but I hear they don’t have much time to do anything but train and study.”

  She’s wearing an off-the-shoulder gown, and has her hair up. I’ve never seen her look more stunning. She’s a damned goddess.

  “Cole wants me to check on you while he’s gone. Llama guess, that means he thinks you’ll get into mischief without him?” I joke.

  “No one is pulling the wool over your eyes,” she laughs. “But, if Tab can spare you here and there, I’d really be up for some Scrabble marathons. I miss having you around to play against.”

  “Cole doesn’t play?” I regret asking as soon as the words slip out. I’m sure I already know the answer.

  “No, he’s not…I don’t know. Some of the stuff we used to do when we first went out, we just don’t really do that stuff anymore. Maybe it’s because it’s closer to the season and he has other things on his mind. I don’t know. He just doesn’t seem to get into museums or documentaries anymore…None of the stuff he used to like doing.” She looks a little sad, and I feel a pang of guilt. If I hadn’t helped him when they first started dating, she would’ve known he didn’t really enjoy any of those things.

  “It’s fine, though. We still have fun. Besides, there’s no rule you have to have all the same interests as your partner, right? I mean, you and Tab don’t like all the same things, right?”

  “We like a lot of the same things, but we have our own interests, too.” I look across the room to where my girlfriend is talking to several people I don’t know. She catches our eye and waves at us, and I smile, waving back.

  “She’s in love with you, Dexter. How do you feel about that?”

  My gaze whips in Clair’s direction. “She said that?”

  “She doesn’t have to say it.” She chuckles. “I can tell. So what’s it going to be? Is she the one?”

  I look across the room at Tabitha. I care about her. I love her, even. Is she the one, though? A part of me that I try to deny believes that if I have to wonder, maybe she’s not.

  If I’m not sure she’s my forever, maybe I’ll never be sure about anyone.

  “Sorry, bro, need to borrow my girl for a minute,” Cole grabs Clair by the hand and spiriting her off up to the front of the room before I can answer her.

  I go over to check on Tabitha and see if she needs rescuing. I put my arm around her and kiss her cheek. “Doing okay over here?”

  “Yeah, we’re having a great time. Did you get to catch up with Sinclair?”

  “I did.” I kiss her temple and whisper into her ear, “We don’t have to stay long if you still like the idea of getting out of here and heading home soon.”

  “Reading my mind, Dexter. Better be careful, too—it’s filthy in there.” She gives me a wink and a dirty smirk.

  “Hey, guys, can I get everyone’s attention for a sec?” Cole calls to the crowd, and everyone turns their attention to him and Clair on the little stage at the front of the room.

  Tabitha and I turn with everyone else. I have my arm resting around her shoulders, and she’s leaning into my side.

  “Thanks, everyone. Listen, I just wanted to thank everyone for coming out. We’ll be heading out on Monday to West Texas for a three-week pre-camp. We expect to come back bigger, stronger, and badder than ever, right?!” He thrusts a hand up in the air and everyone cheers. “I don’t know about you guys, but I have a feeling this is going to be our year. Who else thinks the Frontiersmen are going to the Series?”

  Everyone cheers in agreement. “Before they bring in the food, just one more thing…I want to thank my beautiful girlfriend Sinclair, here for putting this all together.” He pulls her close and kisses her, eliciting a soft blush across her cheeks. “Thank you, sweetheart. So if you’d join me in raising your glasses…to Sinclair!”

  Everyone raises their glasses and applauds. She looks appreciatively at Cole. I can’t seem to take my eyes off of her tonight. She looks so beautiful…so happy.

  “One more thing, because I can’t fucking wait until we get back from camp.” Cole hands his drink to Jorge, then takes a step back and dips his hand in his pocket. “Sinclair, I don’t want to come home after weeks on the road to an empty house.” He shakes his head. “Oh, shit, I can’t believe I’m really doing this.” He laughs, and everyone around them laughs too.

  The room starts to sway around me as I watch him go to one knee. The rest happens in slow-motion. He says something, and holds up a box. Clair’s hand goes to her mouth. Clair scans the room as ever
yone looks at her. She seems to look for something—someone she doesn’t find, and turns back to Cole.

  Tabitha tiptoes up and kisses my cheek. I don’t even look at her, but instinctively squeeze her close like she’s the last buoy in a raging sea. Clair looks back to Cole and says something. Suddenly, everyone is laughing and smiling.

  “Holy shit, she said yes! I love you, Sinclair!” He pulls her close and kisses her…really kisses her, and everyone in the room claps and cheers.

  The room seems to blur, then tilt just a little. I have to stand very still to get things back into focus. My heart whirs in my chest. My skin feels clammy, and there’s a knot in my stomach that is trying to make its way out of my throat. They’re my friends, my best friends. They’re a couple, sure, but I had no idea things were this serious between them. Neither of them ever said a word.

  “Honey…are you okay?” I realize suddenly that Tabitha is talking to me.

  “Sorry?”

  “I said, isn’t that great news? You must be so happy!” She puts her arms around me and presses against my chest. “Let’s go congratulate them!”

  It takes me a moment to respond. Finally, I look down at Tabitha. “Let’s bail…I want to head home.”

  “Sure…if you want, I guess.” Her words are a mixture of trepidation and worry.

  I take her hand and we head out. The restaurant is just about ten miles from my place, but I make it home in just a few minutes. We’re barely inside the door when Tabitha steps out of her shoes and turns for me to unzip her dress.

  I’m catatonic, though. My brain keeps playing the scene over and over. Cole on one knee, then Clair looking around…for what? For who? Then, the three words that changed everything.

  She said yes.

  Tabitha turns to me and kisses my neck, her fingers working their way down the buttons of my shirt. When her fingers slide down my stomach to the button of my pants, I grab her hands.

  “Tabitha…Tab, stop.”

  She looks up at me, her brows dipping with concern.

  “O-kay. Did I do something wrong?”

  “No, sweetheart, of course not. I just…,” I blow out a breath and step over to the living room, depositing myself on the plush, blue sofa. I toss my glasses and they skid across the dark wood of the coffee table. I lean back, rubbing my face with my palms.

  Tabitha sits on the sofa beside me, turning to face me.

  She shakes her head, her lips sliding into a hard line as she crosses her arms.

  “This is about her, isn’t it?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Sinclair. Are you fucking her?”

  “What? No, I would never…why would you say such a thing?” I’m hurt and a little angry that she’d accuse me of cheating.

  “I’m not stupid, Dexter. I see the way she’s always looking at you. I knew something was up when we first started dating, but you said you were just friends, so I let it go.” She rolls her eyes. “I knew something was bothering you tonight. You’re upset because she’s marrying Cole, aren’t you?”

  I stand, pacing back and forth to work through some of the anger that’s bubbling up in my chest.

  “Tabitha, I am not, nor have I ever cheated on you. I’d never do that.” I set my jaw, my hands resting on my waist as I continue. “I don’t know what you’re imagining, but there’s nothing between Clair and me.”

  “Clair,” she says mockingly. “You even have pet names for each other. I called you Dex one time and you looked at me like it was blasphemous.”

  She stands and steps forward, throwing her arms up. “I saw your face, Dexter. When Cole proposed, you looked like you just lost your whole world.”

  “You don’t understand, Tab.” I take her hands and lead her to sit on the chair, perching myself on the coffee table across from her.

  “What I was thinking was that…I’m not there.”

  It’s not a complete lie, but it’s the lie she deserves.

  “I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready, but you deserve someone who is.” Tears are streaking down her face. “I’m so sorry, Tabitha. I’m so, so sorry.”

  “Did you…did you ever love me? Even a little?” She ekes out the question that stabs at my heart.

  “I care more about you than anyone I’ve ever dated, Tab. You’re…so incredible. I’ve been waiting to feel more—to feel something deeper. That’s what makes me such an asshole. I have no right to expect you to wait for me to get my shit together.” I lean closer and squeeze her hands. “I’m so sorry.”

  She blows out a short breath with something that sounds almost like a half-chuckle. “You don’t even see it. You can’t give me your heart if you’ve already given it to someone else, Dexter. Maybe if we had met each other at a different time in our lives, things would’ve gone differently. You’re right, though…I do deserve better.” She pulls her hands from mine. “So, I’m going to go home and take some time to get over you, then I’m going to go find better. I’m going to find someone who can see how fucking fantastic I am and fall in love with me…someone who isn’t already in love with someone else. Goodbye, Dexter.”

  With that, she picks up her shoes, walks to the door, and leaves.

  When she’s gone, I shower trying to subdue the redness in my eyes and the whirring in my mind. I put on my running gear and rather than hitting the treadmill, I put the spare key and my phone into the pocket of my shorts and head out the front door.

  I don’t know how long I run, but when my calves are burning and my lungs ache, I stop to catch my breath. I rest my palms on my thighs, bending over as I wait for my breathing to return to normal. My eyes are blurry with emotion and my heart aches.

  It aches for Tabitha. I love her in a way, and in spite of that, she’s right. I’m not in love with her—not the way I should be. I never have been.

  I return home, running at a slower pace than before. Tab’s words ring in my ears.

  She saw it and she’s right.

  I am in love with someone else. I’m in love with someone I’m about to lose completely.

  As my feet pound on the pavement, propelling me forward, another voice echoes in my mind. I think about Clair’s words from a few days ago…the words that struck me dumb.

  “I had a crush on you back then. I always thought you were…good-looking, funny, sexy.”

  She had feelings for me, and I was so sure she couldn’t possibly want me, that I missed it. I had a window, and I never even knew it was open.

  I think back to earlier tonight, seeing her and Cole together. That’s what a couple looks like.

  I have to distance myself, for a while, at least. If I don’t I’m afraid I’ll do something stupid…like tell her I’m in love with her, and I probably always will be.

  CHAPTER 25

  Sinclair

  I TAKE FRIDAY OFF before Cole and the team head out. We barely leave the house all weekend. He barely lets me get dressed all weekend, for that matter. When we say goodbye on Monday morning before he leaves for the airport, I am far more emotional than I thought I would be.

  “Don’t worry, Sinclair. I’ll be back in three weeks. I’ll text you every day, and call you as often as I can, okay, sweetheart?” He kisses me desperately with the taxi waiting for him out front.

  “I know. I’m being silly…I don’t know why. It’s just three weeks.” I shrug.

  He pulls my chin up and kisses me again, softly this time. “And when I get back, you’ll be all moved in, right? You’ll spend every night falling asleep in my arms, right where you should be.” He pulls me close, then adds, “And when I get back, we need to talk about our engagement announcement. We need to schedule a photoshoot and some interviews...talk to my agent about the media campaign.”

  I wince at this thought. It feels strange, putting something so personal out there on display for the whole world like some marketing ploy.

  His lips nip at mine, and his tongue traces the crease of my lips. “Love you, sweetheart. I’ll see you s
oon.”

  .-- --- -. -.. . .-.

  Two weeks have flown by, but that’s not surprising as busy as I’ve been. I’ve gotten all my clothes and personal items packed up. I decided to rent my place out as a weekly vacation rental for a while. I can always empty the furniture and do it as a long-term lease later if I decide that makes more sense. I was so excited to find this place, I’m finding it harder than I expected to give it up.

  Cole will be back in a week. I just have to finish packing up my photos, books, and personal items to take to Cole’s.

  As I pass the bookcase in the living room, I pull the photo of Dex and me from the shelf, tracing the image of the wide-eyed girl and gangly boy with my fingertip. I can’t help but wonder how things might be different if I had told him, back then, how I really felt.

  I thought I’d get to spend more time with Dex while Cole’s been gone, but as it turns out, work has kept him crazy busy. Every time I try to make plans, he has to work late, or has meetings. He has texted to check on me, though, and make sure I’m doing okay.

  It’s Sunday afternoon, and I’m cleaning up my place, and boxing up a few things. My phone battery keeps dying, and I haven’t had time to get to the store to buy a new one. I have my earbuds synced to my laptop with the dance music cranked up while I charge my phone.

  I’m pulling some things out from under the kitchen counters when I feel something graze my shoulder, startling me. I turn to see someone standing in my kitchen and scream at the top of my lungs, scrambling backward on all fours across the cream tile floor as I yank the buds from my ears.

  “Clair, it’s me.” Dex kneels down in front of me.

  “Dex! Holy shit! You scared me to death.” I shake my head and laugh as I stand. When my eyes meet his, though, I realize something’s wrong.

  “We’ve been trying to get you on the phone for over an hour. You didn’t answer so I came over.” He offers his hand to help me stand.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Your Dad couldn’t get you or Cole—he’s probably under lockdown at camp—so he called me.”