The Fire Within Series: Books 1 - 3

by Ella M. Lee

  “I can translate that for you,” he said.

  I offered him the book. He studied it and cleared his throat, pulling his thoughts together. It took him a long few moments before he read.

  Home. My home. Dizzyingly crowded. Rainy. Hot. Humid. Rich. Poor. I wanted nothing more than to be back here. More than anything, more than reason, more than sense. It’s so dark here. I don’t remember it being so dark in Hong Kong, but darkness is perfect for me now, and it doesn’t matter what I remembered from before. Before is gone, like mist, like smoke. Ryan wants me to write down my emotions. He doesn’t know I’ve never done such a thing. I’m not sure I have emotions. Perhaps I’m merely overwhelmed by everyone else’s. Jasmine holds me and thinks annoyingly sympathetic thoughts, and I almost can’t stand her touch, but I also can’t deny it. I don’t think I could ever deny her anything, but I don’t want her to know that. I don’t have the heart to tell either of them that I still want to give up. I can’t tell them that Jazz broke me out of a cage I belong in. I don’t deserve their concern, their attention, their carefully crafted plans. I don’t think I deserve the air I breathe. I was in hell, and I was fine with that. I had been begging for death, not whatever this is now. Ryan calls it redemption, but I don’t know if I want that either.

  My eyes met his. I was distressed to hear his tone. I couldn’t imagine the Nicolas I knew writing these words. He could be stern and cold, but I had never known him to be hopeless or depressed.

  “Are you all right?” I asked quietly.

  To my surprise, he smiled. “I’m fine. I’ve had a lot longer to process this than you have. The things I’m reading are fresh experiences to you, but I healed from them long ago. I made peace with them as best I could.”

  I hugged the journal against me, my eyes closed. “Thank you for this. I’m grateful for your trust.”

  “You will ask me questions if you have them, yes?” he pressed, almost urgently. “There are some things in there that will require explanation. I’ve thought about how and when to open up to you many times these past few weeks. This is difficult, but I do truly want you to understand me.”

  “I love you,” I said. “I want nothing more than to know you.”

  Nicolas put his arms around me, drawing me to him once more. He kissed the top of my head. I lifted my chin and pressed my own lips against his throat. I loved how perfectly we could mold to each other.

  “So how do you want this birthday to end?” he murmured into my hair.

  “You can read my thoughts. You know exactly what I want.”

  He stood, sweeping me up with him. “Happy to oblige,” he growled, carrying me into the bedroom.

  I woke up the next morning to knocking on Nicolas’s door. Daniel’s voice sounded through the wood.

  “Nico! Take your shield down! I was fine pushing our meeting to eight, but I have somewhere to be at nine!”

  Nicolas groaned and rolled gracefully away from me. He snatched his clothes off the floor and dressed rapidly before lowering the shield on the door.

  Whatever they were meeting about didn’t concern me. I pulled the duvet up over my head to block out the light, but I couldn’t fall back asleep.

  I eventually pulled myself out of bed and went into the living room. Nicolas and Dan were drinking tea at the dining room table, their laptops open.

  Daniel glanced at me, his eyes widening. “Damn, Fi. I know you own clothes.”

  Both Nicolas and I turned our eyes toward him, incredulous. His words had been biting. In fact, he had never used that tone with me before. Nicolas’s stare was slowly turning into a venomous, narrow-eyed look, but he said nothing.

  I looked down, confused. It wasn’t as though I was naked. I was wearing a T-shirt and underwear. Dan had seen me like this dozens of times.

  “Good morning,” I said to him. “Tough night?”

  I exchanged a brief, annoyed look with Nicolas.

  “What is your problem today?” I heard Nicolas hiss at Dan as I left the apartment, and I rolled my eyes.

  Things with Dan were uncharacteristically weird, and I had no idea how to bring it up to anyone I knew—not even him. I changed, pulled up my hair, and headed to our group’s training room. Dan joined me there sometime later. He seemed slightly more relaxed than earlier.

  I watched him warm up, trying to think of a way to broach this subject. Although he was always willing to listen to my issues, he was pretty touchy about his own emotions and feelings.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  He glanced at me, his brow furrowed. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  The words sounded so final that I didn’t have the courage to inquire further.

  Sparring, at least, was normal between us. Daniel was ridiculously focused as usual, and I never had time to think while in a match with him. If I even so much as blinked, he would land a blow; his technique was still far better than mine.

  I had several meetings lined up throughout the day and didn’t get to the library for more research until much later. I was well into some in-depth note-taking when I felt Daniel’s magic approaching. He came up behind me and reached over to retrieve yesterday’s notes, his body pressed against mine for just a moment, before he walked around the table and took a seat. My heart pounded. I stared at him, trying to will myself into seeing my best friend again, not this attractive young man with such a tight pull on me.

  He noticed me watching him. He spread his hands as though asking me “what?” and I looked away.

  Stop, I told myself, but it was so hard to keep my eyes off of him.

  Birthday festivities and weirdness with Dan aside, my life was becoming a cycle: research until past midnight with Daniel; crawl into bed with Nicolas, too tired to say more than five words to him; then wake up early to spar with Daniel again. Dan’s promotion had been three days ago, but it had hardly stopped him from continuing on exactly as before.

  Dan was an amazing commander.

  We all knew he would be, but seeing it was truly believing. He was powerful beyond measure, graceful, confident, and patient. It was clear he had learned from Nicolas, who also exhibited those qualities. His rapport with other commanders was excellent, and he had smoothly transitioned into managing Teng, Cameron, Farhad, and me as a commander rather than just a lieutenant of someone else’s group.

  Being near Daniel was, in some ways, to be in awe of him. He was still my friend—tiny, sweet, sometimes cocky—but he was also so much more. My commander, someone I respected and cared for. The time I spent with him was growing my love of him tenfold.

  I was also worried it was growing my love into something I didn’t want.

  This particular morning, my breath caught while watching him warm up. He was incredible, feline, and beautiful in his movements. While we sparred, I was distracted by how attractive he was.

  What the hell is wrong with you, Fiona? I chided myself. Get a grip.

  My lapse in concentration went poorly for me. Daniel slammed me into a wall, knocking the breath from me.

  “Sorry!” he cried. “What the hell? You okay, Fi?”

  He came to stand before me, his hands on my shoulders. My skin burned and writhed at his touch.

  “I’m fine,” I said, shrugging him off.

  I spun, trying to get away from him. I had no idea what was going on with me. First, I had almost kissed him the other night, and now I desperately wished he’d move his hands to more sensitive parts of my skin.

  “Fi, wait,” he said, grabbing me back. He was panting, leaning against the wall, one hand on my wrist.

  I let him pull me back toward him.

  No. Stop. Don’t.

  I was off balance, falling against him. He caught me, spinning me back to face him. His lopsided smile was full of humor and affection. His eyes were stormy, ignited in a way I hadn’t seen before. Our faces were very close, and his grip on me was tight and possessive. I wanted to move closer. I wanted to taste him, to see his reaction if I were to run my lips over hi
s skin, to feel what he could do to me if he—

  Fiona, stop, I told myself.

  I could have pulled away. I could have laughed and hit him in the chest and admonished him for giving me a few new bruises. I could have done anything except stare into his eyes and fall harder.

  He looked a lot like he was thinking the exact same thing. We were frozen, inches from one another, both wondering what would happen next.

  “Hey,” he whispered tentatively.

  We were so close that his breath was on my cheek. I shivered. He smelled of salt and sweat and a smoky electrical scent that caught in my nose and drove me insane with desire.

  “Hi,” I said, breathless, his presence overpowering me.

  He leaned half an inch closer. Our noses were almost touching. His hands slid from my wrists to my waist. I was barely breathing now, my heart pounding.

  It would be a lie to say that I had never thought about being with Daniel. He was attractive. He took care of me and loved me and protected me. There was practically no one else I had ever felt so close to in my life.

  But he had never been more than a passing curiosity, even in the beginning. Nicolas was the one who had stolen my heart. I had surrendered it to him quickly without even realizing it, and there had been no chance for Daniel to disrupt that in a meaningful way.

  I loved Daniel, and we were close and intimate in so many ways, but we had never been like this before: breathless, eager, teetering on the edge of something. I had never looked at his lips and wanted to kiss them or thought that he was giving me a similar look. But now it felt like that was all I wanted, like it was all I had ever wanted.

  Another inch, and our lips would meet.

  Time was frozen while we considered, while we tried to either regain balance or eschew it completely. He moved a millimeter closer; I moved a millimeter away. Then we reversed. A tiny, synchronous dance between us. I didn’t think I could do anything except move forward, and I didn’t know why that was so easy.

  Why, why?

  “Dan…” I whispered. It sounded like a plea, but I didn’t know if I was begging to stop or begging to continue.

  “Fi…” he whispered.

  His voice was husky and affectionate, and it undid me. His gaze was bottomless, drawing me to him, almost commanding me.

  And I gave in.

  I crossed the half inch of space, not giving him time to pull away. My lips collided with his, soft and yielding and moist. His hands tensed on me, and I thought—hoped?—that he would push me away.

  But no.

  He pulled me closer.

  Our kissing turned fierce, his tongue pushing through my parted lips and finding mine, his hands hot as they moved to creep under my T-shirt to touch the curve of my waist and the planes of my lower back.

  My fingertips were on his bare chest, on the expansive tattoo there, learning his muscles in a way I had never known before. His lips covered me, moving to my jaw and neck and collarbone.

  We were frantic to understand one another through touch, and I had never wanted anything more.

  His palms swept up over the curve of my breasts, and I shivered, pulling him closer, hooking the fingers of my right hand over the hem of his pants as I ran my left hand through his hair.

  I was in rapture of his smooth skin as my lips moved frantically along his neck. I wanted him, all of him, like this, forever. It was so easy for us to be close, so effortless, so natural to be this close.

  He spun me so that I was against the wall, his body pressing into me, his tongue pushing roughly into my mouth again and meeting mine. His warmth crept over me, and it seemed that all commanders were hot, boiling over with raw energy. Nicolas was the same way.

  Nicolas.

  His name was like the clanging of a bell resounding through me. My hands clamped around Dan’s forearms as they trapped me against him.

  “Stop,” I whispered.

  Dan’s lips were still moving over my skin, his eyes closed. My body was yearning for him, my breathing quick, spirals of pleasure running over my skin.

  It was so hard to think—

  Nicolas, Nicolas, Nicolas.

  “Dan, stop,” I said more firmly.

  His eyes snapped to mine, and he froze for two seconds before his expression cleared. He released me and took a skittering step backward. Instantly, the tension between us was gone.

  Dan looked horrified, holding his hands up in front of himself defensively.

  “Fi,” he said. “Fi, I-I’m sorry.”

  I was trembling. A massive part of me was still drawn to him, still wanted to go to him and hold him and touch him and feel him against me.

  “It’s… it’s okay,” I said shakily. “Let’s just… let’s take a breath. It’s okay.”

  I had no idea if that was true or not, but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I was completely bewildered.

  “What is wrong with me?” he asked. He looked terrified.

  “What is wrong with both of us?” I asked. “I love Nicolas.”

  “I know,” Dan replied, “and you belong to him.”

  No emotion in either of our voices, just truth. Whatever was between me and Daniel, it wasn’t this. I didn’t know what this was or why it had happened. Daniel looked as confused as I did, his eyes a little wild.

  I was afraid to get any closer to him, afraid to move at all. It was immensely hard to keep myself from touching him, from drawing him toward me, and I had no idea why.

  He took another step back as though he was thinking the same thing.

  “I need… I need to talk to Nicolas,” he said. “I need to tell him what happened. This is… I don’t…”

  He trailed off helplessly.

  “Wait, no,” I said. “I think it would be better coming from me.”

  Daniel didn’t look like he believed me. I honestly wasn’t sure if I believed myself. I had no idea what I would say, but I had a responsibility to fix whatever had just happened. I just had to hope I could explain in a way that wouldn’t cause Nicolas to break up with me immediately and burn his alliance with Daniel to the ground.

  My heart began to crumple in my chest just thinking about it.

  Chapter 15

  In the quiet and safety of my apartment, I took a cold shower, trying to figure out how to approach Nicolas. He rarely got angry, but then again, he didn’t have emotional investment in most things.

  I was pretty sure he had emotional investment in me.

  When I first met him, I thought he would be the neurotic and controlling type. He was, but not in any typical way. If he were typical, I would be able to anticipate his reaction. Unfortunately, I had no idea what he would say. His responses often surprised me, and I could see him exhibiting anything from fascinated interest to extreme hurt and anger over this transgression.

  Please don’t let him literally kill me, I thought.

  I forced myself to walk down the hall to Nicolas’s apartment. When I stepped inside, I was surprised to find he was reading a book. I had never seen him with a book in his hands. Reading was hard for him, and he mostly avoided it. I was so startled that I forgot I was supposed to be afraid.

  “You’re reading?” I asked, closing the door behind myself.

  His eyes didn’t leave the page. His expression was distant. He arched his hand over the book and pointed to the chair across from himself.

  “Sit,” he said calmly.

  Oh shit. This couldn’t be good.

  I sat. His eyes were still on the page. After a moment, I blurted, “I thought Daniel was the only one allowed to order me around now.”

  Okay, maybe that wasn’t the best thing to say in the moment.

  Still calm, Nicolas closed the book and laid it on the table between us. His eyes flicked up to meet mine. They were darker than usual. He folded his hands on his knees in front of him.

  “Ah, yes,” he said, “You… and Daniel. Is that out of your system now?”

  I flinched. “You know. Of course.�
��

  “Of course,” he echoed.

  He was still as death. Oddly enough, he didn’t seem angry. I looked away, my eyes trying and failing to lock on literally anything else except him.

  “Well, then?” he asked.

  My eyes shot back to him. “I’m sorry. I have no idea what happened. I didn’t mean… it just… I have no idea… one moment we were just sparring, and the next moment…”

  I recalled Daniel’s body against me, his lips on mine, his hands brushing my skin.

  Nicolas held up a hand, grimacing. “Please don’t.”

  “Sorry,” I said quickly.

  Instead, I called up Nicolas, what I felt when I was in his arms, the warmth of him around me as we drifted to sleep each night, how I could get lost in his lovely eyes.

  “Please don’t do that either. Not right now,” he said, although the glimmer of a smile crossed his face.

  I took a deep breath, shaking badly. “I love you,” I said, my voice wavering.

  “I know,” he replied. “Tell me, what exactly do you feel for Daniel?”

  “I don’t love Daniel,” I said. “I mean, I do love Daniel, but not like that. I don’t want him like that. I want you. It’s always been you. I think the person I’ve been waiting for my whole life is you, and I’m not really sure what I was thinking. Or why I wasn’t thinking. I’m so confused. I’ve never done anything like this before, I swear. It’s like I was another person. Like he was another person.”

  Nicolas took in my babbling stoically, his arms folded over his chest. His only betrayal of emotion was a narrowing of his eyes. I thought I might cry, but I knew he would hate that, so I pushed back the tears.

  I don’t want anyone but you, I thought to him. My silent pleas had worked in the past.

  “Calm down, Fiona,” he said gently. He blinked several times, looking for visions. “I’m trying to figure out what happens next.”

  “Are you going to kill me?” I whispered.