The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “You have reverted twice in as many months, as I am sure you remember. Those episodes were short lived, of course. Your more impressive form has been quite easy to coax out prior to today.”

  I had no clue what he was talking about. If I’d woken up before in this place, I didn’t remember dick about it. Of course, if I had opened my eyes, only to have the shit immediately zapped out of me by hooded zealots, then perhaps that wasn’t too surprising. Horrific trauma had a way of doing things like that.

  “Alas, as amusing as it might be to have your more loquacious half back for the time being, I must insist that you allow yourself to change. I cannot allow the opportunity at hand to pass.”

  I backed up a step. “What opportunity?”

  “The war to cleanse this planet, of course. Druaga commands an impressive force of fell creatures. Though he has traditionally remained neutral with regards to the signatories of the Humbaba Accord, he has recently reconsidered committing to our cause.”

  “Um, any reason why?”

  “Those are matters for the First Coven and the First alone, Freewill, as I’m sure you can understand. Now I do apologize, but...”

  “I can’t! I mean, it won’t work.”

  “What will not work?”

  “I can’t change. Something is...broken about it. Your guys did their job, but it didn’t do anything. Believe me, I wanted it to. I like getting ass-raped by cattle prods about as much as the next guy.”

  Yeah, I was rambling. Kinda pathetic, but I figured I was due some slack. I mean, I’d woken up naked in a dank dungeon, been assaulted by a bunch of maniacs, and met the equivalent of a demon lord. Talk about a stressful day. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to learn that it was a Monday.

  Sadly, my pleas fell upon uncaring ears.

  Alex made the subtlest of movements and appeared immediately in front of me, covering the distance between us far faster than my eyes could follow.

  “Once again, I apologize for what must be done. Know that I do not take any pleasure in this.”

  Why did I not find that statement particularly comforting?

  Blood Bath

  “I see you spoke the truth, Freewill.” Alex casually wrung his hands, sending drops of blood - mine - flying. “This is most concerning.”

  I would’ve replied with a great big “Duh!” but my jaw hadn’t healed enough yet. At least I was no longer in pain. At some point in the pummeling that ensued, my nerve endings simply gave out, leaving me uncomfortably numb.

  I was pretty sure every single bone in my body was now a fine white powder. I’ll give him credit, though. He was a master at his craft. He spilled very little blood, and at no point did I lose consciousness. His ability to take a person apart, leaving them as little more than human Jell-O, was damn near an art form. I just wished it was art I had observed on the wall of a museum, not lived through.

  I thought back fondly to nearly being incinerated at Sheila’s touch as she hung from the edge of...

  Wait, when had that happened? The memory scattered just as quickly as it came. But then, hadn’t my less than personable half mentioned that my memories would probably return at inconvenient times?

  Speaking of which, I sure as shit hoped he was enjoying his little nap because if we ever met up again in my head, I was going to beat the ever-living fuck out of him with every abstract piece of mental furniture I could grab.

  “I must consult with our seers on this.” I got the sense that Alex was more talking to himself than the puddle of goo that was me. He turned back toward the exit. “I will send more thralls...”

  Oh fuck. No more electrocutions. For Christ’s sake...

  “...to make you more comfortable, as well as presentable. It would be regrettable for Druaga to return and find you in this state.”

  I was tempted to tell him not to do me any favors, but thankfully, my tongue was still dislocated. The truth was I actually wouldn’t have minded a few favors right at that moment.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Thankfully, the next batch of robed humans that appeared in my cell seemed much less inclined to turn me into a tater tot. They carried in what looked to be an oversized cooler and set it down beside me. Before I could ask whether they were throwing me an undead kegger, they proceeded to scrape me off the floor and dump me into it.

  Whatever pithy remark might’ve been on the tip of my tongue was drowned as I immediately submerged beneath the surface of the viscous red liquid within.

  Blood!

  And not just any blood. Within a minute, I felt better as my bones began knitting themselves back together. The casket - for lack of a better word - was filled with vampire blood. It jumpstarted my own healing and then augmented it further. It wasn’t a huge boost, but it was a lot more juice than I normally had in me.

  As I let it work its magic, I tried not to think about the unlucky donor. Judging by the strength of the blood, I’d guess some minor underling had been unfortunate enough to have crossed paths with Alex on his way out of my cell. This day had certainly sucked for him every bit as much as it did for me, with the exception that I’d get a chance to do it all over again. Joy.

  And it was just at that point that my overloaded nerve endings began working again.

  Fuck me.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  After spending the next several minutes alternating between screaming, crying, and trying not to wet myself, my body finally pulled itself back together. I climbed out of the blood and found myself alone again. However, before vacating the premises - and no doubt locking the door behind them - the thralls had been good enough to leave me a fresh change of clothing, including a new pair of glasses. I put them on and the room finally snapped into crystal clear focus. The vampire nation supposedly had detailed files on all of their minions. Normally, I wasn’t too fond of that concept, but considering mine apparently included my prescription, I was willing to overlook the gross invasion of my privacy just this once.

  I quickly toweled off and got dressed - feeling considerably less insecure once I had a pair of underwear and jeans standing between Titanosaurus and the rest of the world. I finally felt human again, the irony of that statement not lost upon me.

  The massive door of my cell opened again about ten minutes later and, once more, Alex stepped through. I’d be lying if I claimed that I didn’t come close to shitting myself at the sight of him - fearing he planned a repeat performance.

  He must’ve sensed my tension, for he held up a hand in a placating manner. “Be at peace, Freewill. If you did not change earlier, I have no reason to believe further persuasion will trigger it.”

  “Well, that’s good to know.”

  “Druaga will be returning shortly, but I thought you might care for a chance to stretch your legs until then. Think of it as my way of...making amends for my earlier actions. After all, you are the one the legends speak of. It would be rude of us to treat you as a mere animal, especially now that you have regained a mindset that does not favor attacking everything in your sight.”

  I kept any flippant remarks to myself. I needed to remember that I’d been locked up here for God-knows how long, and it was well within Alex’s power to just turn around and leave me to rot. Telling him to go fuck himself would be satisfying, but it wouldn’t do much toward helping me get out of this asylum.

  Taking my silence as affirmation, he turned back toward the door. “Come walk with me, Freewill. Fret not, for we will be duly informed when Druaga returns.”

  That wasn’t exactly in my top ten things to fret about, but once more, I figured it best to keep my opinions to myself. For a moment, I was hesitant to follow, fearful of venturing too close to him, but then I realized how stupid that was. The guy could move at speeds that basically made him a character straight out of Dragonball Z. It wouldn’t matter much if I was a foot away from him or a mile. If he wanted to be all over me like a new suit, I would never see it coming.

  Fuck it,
fortune favors the bold...sometimes. I caught up to him and stepped through the doorway, eager to learn exactly where the hell I was.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Wherever we were, it was big. A cut stone hallway ran in either direction from outside my door, leading off farther into the darkness than my vampire-enhanced eyes could see. The ceiling was about fifteen feet high, tall enough to accommodate guests Druaga’s size or larger. I found myself wishing for a magic sword, or maybe some plus-five plate mail - for surely this was the real-life equivalent to the dungeons me and my friends had explored every week in our imaginations. Much like in those adventures, I was also forced to wonder what else lurked here, waiting to spring upon us.

  Alex began walking and I followed.

  “Right hand rule,” I muttered, noting our direction.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Sorry, gaming terminology. We use it for dungeon crawls.”

  “We?”

  “I guess you had to be there. So, where exactly is this place?”

  “You are in the stronghold of the vampire nation. It is from here that all of our actions worldwide and beyond are planned and carried out.” His voice echoed off the solid walls around us. The faint rhythm of dripping water sounded somewhere off in the distance.

  “This is a lot different than Boston.”

  “You are far from that city, Freewill.”

  “How far?” A sinking feeling hit my gut. I had the disturbing notion that whatever he said next, it wouldn’t be good. I seriously doubted it was only a quick train ride from home.

  “You are deep under Lake Geneva in one of the many secret catacombs we keep...”

  I racked my brain...Lake Geneva? Was that one of the Great Lakes? Fuck, geography had always been one of my weak subjects. I mean, I knew where Geneva itself was located, but there was no way...”

  “...deep beneath Château de Chillon.”

  “Just chillin in Chillon,” I quipped rather unhelpfully, still with no clue as to where I was.

  “Pardon?”

  “Um, I meant where...”

  “Western Switzerland.”

  “Western...” Oh, fuck me.

  I was definitely not in Kansas anymore.

  The Accidental Tourist

  “I’m in Switzerland?”

  “Yes, Freewill.” Alex turned left down another corridor, this one leading toward a stone staircase.

  “As in Europe?”

  “There are many locales that share in that name, but since I assume you are referring to the country, then once more, the answer is in the affirmative.”

  I followed him up the stairs, my mind racing to process things. What the fuck had happened? Had I stowed away in a cargo ship or something? How in hell had I ended up here? “So, I’m actually in Switzerland?”

  “We have already established that.”

  “In this...err...castle?”

  “Deep beneath the crypt, to be exact.”

  “And this place is the vampire headquarters?”

  “In a word, yes.”

  “The whole castle?”

  “The entire country.”

  I stopped mid-step, letting that one sink in. Nah, I couldn’t have heard him correctly. That was just insane. “What exactly do you mean by that?”

  “Exactly as I said, Freewill.” He looked over his shoulder at me, bemusedly raising the brow over one of his mismatched eyes. “Did you expect less of our kind?”

  “Well...not to sound insulting, but yeah. I mean, the whole country? That sounds pretty damn farfetched.”

  “It only seems as such because we wish it to be so. We have been entrenched here since the very beginning. Our influence extends to all aspects of life, from the mundane to the profound.”

  “Why this place?”

  “Because it is perfect for us.”

  Unhelpful answer or not, my mind reeled at the concept. I’d heard that our seat of power was in Europe, but much like anyone raised on a diet of Hollywood tripe, my imagination automatically turned toward crumbling castles in Romania surrounded by ignorant peasants who locked their shutters at night to ward off evil.

  I thought back to what I knew of Switzerland, which wasn’t much. I mean, there were busty blondes...that was kind of cool, but probably not entirely relevant to my predicament. I remembered from history class this place was historically neutral in wars, partially because the entire nation was a natural fortress backed by a heavily armed populace.

  Holy crap. In short...as Alex had said...perfect.

  Then there was the rest: Swiss watches, banks, um...cheese. No wonder it always seemed like vamps were flush with cash. It was because they were. Hell, even my own coven always seemed to have plenty of scratch to go around. I mean, sure, I’d never gotten my hands on any of it, but that was thanks to Sally keeping the bankcards all to herself and...

  Sally!

  Fuck, I hadn’t even considered her since waking. Did she know where I was? Hell, was she even aware I was still alive? Could she have had anything to do with my being here? She’d done it before, shipping my ass off to China. But that had been a goof on her part, her way of fucking with me. Somehow, I didn’t believe she’d just hand me over to Alex - or perhaps I didn’t want to believe it.

  No. She and I were cool...at least when we weren’t busy pissing each other off. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt until such time as I learned different. She couldn’t have had anything to do with my being here.

  Which then still left the question: how exactly did I get here?

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We reached the top of the stairs where another heavily fortified door awaited - this one ajar. We stepped through, at which point two vamps on either side snapped to attention - guards, obviously. It wasn’t a stretch to guess they stood straighter due to Alex’s presence rather than mine.

  This next level was much less dank. The finely worked stone gave the appearance of royalty. Electricity was also apparently one of the perks for those who moved upstairs. It was actually fairly well lit by vampire standards.

  “You should feel honored, Freewill. You enter the heart of the First Coven.”

  An interesting use of words, considering that vampires traditionally didn’t get along well with things that were unexpectedly introduced into their hearts.

  I considered that analogy as we walked. Alex had been the one responsible for manipulating us - me - into starting this war in the first place. He was hell-bent on finishing what he’d started over two thousand years ago - conquering the planet. Unfortunately, he wasn’t overly concerned if most of it burned to the ground while he was accomplishing his goals.

  In an interesting twist, many were under the impression that it had been me who’d started things. Our allies used my name as a rallying cry, while our enemies were no doubt putting me at the top of their to-kill lists.

  Alex either didn’t know, or care, that I was opposed to the entire thing - and I wasn’t the only one. My friends were behind me in our plans to thwart...

  The image of Gan, the crazed Mongolian pre-teen who’d become a constant pain in the ass, unexpectedly flashed in my head. I remembered how she’d told me of her plans to overthrow Alex. Her desires weren’t entirely altruistic, though. She wanted him dead for no other reason than she desired the crown herself - with me by her side. What a fucking nutcase.

  Well, you don’t have to worry about her anymore. She’s dead.

  The thought...no, the memory...slammed into me like a freight train. Dead? When? Sure, I would’ve been more than happy to keep half a world between us for the rest of eternity, but I never wanted to see her killed. That was...

  The movie I’d been watching in my brain apartment! Had that really happened?

  “Are you unwell, Freewill?” Alex asked from beside me. He’d stopped walking and was now staring at me quizzically, no doubt due to my silence. Unfortunately, I’d tuned out his voice during my moment of intros
pection - stupid of me, since what he’d been yammering about was potentially useful information. “Did you, perhaps, need more time to recover?”

  Asshole. Like he really needed to rub it in. “I’m fine...this is just a lot to take in.”

  That answer seemed to mollify him. Brilliant as a strategist as he was, he was still susceptible to a little ego stroking. “As I can imagine. Most are introduced to our inner circle gradually. For one so young, I would think it would be overwhelming.”

  Overwhelming? Seriously? I hadn’t expected to learn that we basically owned one of the most prosperous nations on the planet, but it wasn’t quite pants-pissing news either.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Alex continued his tour, blathering on as he took me through more passages and tunnels. Sometimes we went up, sometimes down. I really should have paid better attention, at the very least for when it was time to bug the fuck out of here, but after a while, all I could hear were my own thoughts screaming shut the fuck up already over and over again. Goddamn! Apparently, two thousand years of life hadn’t taught this narcissistic clown the value of brevity.

  Finally, we entered a passage where, once more, there were no light sources - a non-issue for vamps. At first, I only noticed an odd scent in the air - like someone was burning dirty dog fur - but as we continued on, it became thicker. Eventually, we were walking through a smoky haze that continued to grow heavier.

  I coughed, interrupting whatever historical factoid Alex had been droning on about. “Someone needs to cut down on the hookah.”

  “It is a special incense, first cultivated by pre-Aztec mystics,” he explained, apparently unbothered by the stench. “It is said to expand the mind.”

  “I know a few mind-expanding herbs. None of them smell like this.” My eyes began to tear up. “What is this place, anyway?”

  “As I was saying,” he continued, a slight hint of annoyance in his voice, “we are paying a visit to our elder seers. I have sent word ahead that I wished for them to...consider your current condition.”