The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “And what secret are they keeping, if I may be so bold to ask?”

  “That is an interesting choice of words, Freewill. Outside of the First, you are indeed perhaps the boldest of our kind I have met in some time, at least in your speech.”

  I opted for silence rather than acknowledging the dig. Besides, I had no interest in being the bravest of them all. Leave that shit to the heroes. I just wanted to get back to my life, my friends, and...

  The thought trailed off. I’m sure I meant to add Sheila to that list, but a memory stirred within me again, reminding me that there were pieces of the puzzle that I was still missing...potentially dark pieces.

  “The seers are at a loss to explain what has happened to you, other than to confirm your claims.”

  “You mean that I can’t go all murderous demon-beast?”

  “Precisely. It is unprecedented in our history. None of the Freewills of days past were ever known to have suffered from...”

  “The Mr. Hyde equivalent of erectile dysfunction?” I silently thanked fate that my roommates weren’t present to hear that.

  “This is no laughing matter.” He quickened his pace down the long subterranean hallway.

  “Did they say anything else?”

  “Nothing that made any sense...” His tone seemed to waver a bit, but he quickly covered it up. “That is not uncommon, though. The mists of time are not always clear. What matters most at the moment is that all of my efforts to hone you to a fine edge may be in jeopardy.”

  “Does that have anything to do with me waking up to find you standing there naked?”

  He merely chuckled in response - which was highly preferable to putting me through a wall. “Know that I have never once in over two millennia shied away from testing my own mettle, Freewill - not against you, and not against others of your kind.”

  “Um, okay. So that whole honing me to a sharp edge thing...”

  “Yes?”

  “Well, what’s been going on? How did I get here? When did I get here?”

  “You really do not remember much when you are in that state?”

  “Not a thing.”

  “Very well.” He continued to retrace our steps through the bowels of wherever we were. Various vamps along the way snapped to attention as we passed, but he paid them not the slightest heed. “I suppose it would not hurt to tell you. You were tracked to the marshes south of your coven some three months ago.”

  “Three months?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, I am so fired.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Uh, never mind.” It’s not like my paycheck meant a whole lot in this hell of endless catacombs. “Marshes...do you mean close to the Meadowlands?”

  “I believe that is what they call the arenas there, yes.”

  “So how did you find me?”

  “Remington, of course.”

  Colin had sent that douchebag to assist in tracking down and killing Sheila. I specifically remembered him being a massive dick, more or less trying to take charge the second he walked in. Then there was that fight up in Westchester where Gan had made her sudden, and unwanted, reappearance. I had a vague memory of a battle atop a building too, but its conclusion was all fuzzy in my mind. Judging by Alex’s remarks, though, I was forced to assume I had lost that one. “So he found me?”

  “Remington is dead. He and his men were slain by the Icon, or so we were told.”

  Way to go, Sheila!

  “A pity,” I lied.

  “Indeed. He would have potentially been a great asset to our war effort.”

  “So then how does he play into my being found?”

  “His blood, of course.”

  My reply to that was to stare at him in utter confusion.

  “Before going out into the field, it is standard protocol for strike teams such as his to consume a radioactive isotope. It allows them to be tracked in case their retrieval becomes necessary.”

  Interesting and far more high-tech than I expected. For all of their traditional bullshit, I needed to remember that there were some parts of the vampire nation that were up to snuff with technology.

  Alex grinned smugly as he spoke. “My fellows were at a loss as to how to track you. Our intelligence suggested that even your scent had changed along with your physical appearance. I, however, was willing to make the assumption that perhaps some of his team’s blood had made its way to your person.”

  Uh oh. Sally and I had worked against Remington from the very start. We had operated under the assumption that his ego wouldn’t allow him to call in backup. It had seemed a safe bet - assuming we were able to kill each and every one of his team. From the sound of things, we’d succeeded, but apparently Alex had been smart enough to consider that some underhanded shit might have gone down.

  “How so?” I stammered, losing yet another opportunity to play it cool.

  “Considering the Icon’s power, I would think it logical to assume you would have partaken of their blood to increase your own strength in the conflict.”

  “Oh...okay. I mean, yeah, that’s what happened.”

  He glanced at me sidelong with his mismatched eyes. “As I had surmised, the isotope signature led my recovery team straight to your location - as it did the second and third teams sent to secure you.”

  “Second and Third teams?”

  “Your alternate appearance can be marvelously uncooperative.”

  Translation: I fucked them up. Maybe I needed to cut Dr. Death a little slack after all.

  “Finally, you were sedated and I had you secretly airlifted back here. We’ve been training you ever since.”

  “Training?”

  “A constantly changing regimen designed to add a modicum of discipline. If you are to lead our forces in the coming conflict, it will be a necessity to have control.”

  “And how successful were you?”

  “Needless to say, that is another aspect where you are unique compared to...”

  Another vamp rounded a corner and raced up to us. “Lord Alexander, sir!” He skidded to a halt and stood at attention. Although the newcomer’s face was unreadable, annoyance clearly shown on Alex’s.

  “And your reason for disturbing me?”

  “You wished to be informed once Druaga had returned.”

  Alex’s expression softened to one of neutrality again. I guessed that the underling’s excuse was good enough to let him live to see another night. “I am afraid we shall have to cut our tour short, Freewill. Druaga will be expecting a demonstration of your powers.”

  “But, I can’t...”

  “Oh yes, you can.” His odd eyes twinkled as he spoke and he laid a hand on my shoulder. “Trust me. I always plan for contingencies.”

  That’s what I was afraid of.

  Escape from Alcatraz

  Alex descended a hidden stairwell - one that I made a note to remember. Sadly, our destination was my holding cell. Rampaging monster or not, it seemed I was still expected to call this place home.

  Of course, that was assuming there was still a me left after whatever demonstration he had planned.

  Two vampire guards waited outside the open door of my rocky prison. One breathed a noticeable sigh of relief once we were in sight. They must’ve been unlucky enough to have been assigned as Druaga’s minders. One could only imagine what they’d be forced to do if he demanded a night out on the town.

  Waiting just inside, impatiently tapping several claws on a rocky outcropping, stood Druaga’s monstrous form - looking even uglier than before, if that was possible.

  You were not here when I returned. Why is this?

  “I needed to be taken for a walk and a belly rub,” I replied without thinking. Goddamnit, I really needed to stop doing that.

  Druaga cocked his head to the side, momentarily looking ridiculously idiotic for a reptilian demon-god.

  “Our apologies, mighty one,” Alex said, stepping
in. “These are trying times, requiring my attention. No offense was intended.”

  “Uh yeah, what he said,” I added.

  Alex guided me past Godzuki and then we turned to face him.

  So be it. You will now proceed to show me the Freewill’s power.

  “Of course, oh Lord of the Festering Pit. Behold the Freewill as he is now. What would you say if you encountered him upon the battlefield?”

  I raised an eyebrow at that. What the fuck?

  I would say he was unworthy to feed to even my lowliest dretch-hound.

  “And you would be correct in thinking so.” I hadn’t realized Alex’s contingency plan included using me as comedy relief. If so, I’d have requested a pair of clown shoes to round out my ensemble. “Strike me, Freewill.”

  “Huh?”

  “I said strike me - full on. Use all the might at your disposal.”

  Was Alex actually asking me to hit him? Tempting. Heck, once I started, I might not want to stop. Unfortunately, there was always the chance he’d hit back...

  No. Strike me, instead. I wish to know your power.

  “Um...” An ancient vampire warlord was one thing, but now a freaking god wanted to go punch-for-punch? That didn’t sound like a winning battle to me.

  Alex crossed his arms and looked at me expectantly. “Do as you are bidden, Freewill.”

  I so hated being the low man on the totem pole. It’s like this at work whenever I’m in a meeting with my manager and some director from another department. You could always count on shit sliding downhill right into my lap. The difference was that the worst that could happen there was getting fired. Here... well, I didn’t even want to think about it. The supernatural world seemed to specialize in messy endings.

  The silence stretched for another second. Oh well, I had the feeling there was no way around it. On the upside - considering the many ways people die every day, there was one advantage to doing this: not many folks could honestly put on their tombstone they’d gotten a chance to punch it out with the dude who signs the Grim Reaper’s paycheck.

  “Here it comes,” I said in my best tough-guy voice. The reject from the reptile house held his arms out to the side. Gut shot it was, then.

  I stepped up and let loose with a haymaker powerful enough so that this fucker’s second cousin would feel it.

  Or so I told myself.

  There’s some truth to the old saying of this is going to hurt me more than it does you. Druaga didn’t even flinch. Hitting the scales on his midsection was like punching a pile of sand. There was the tiniest of give, but I might as well have slapped him with a feather for all the damage I did.

  The brows over his two rightmost eyes raised questioningly and he inclined his head ever so slightly toward Alex - his lack of awe painfully clear.

  This is the reason you called me forth from my realm? I am close to being insulted, vampire. Know that I have unleashed my wrath for far less.

  Oh, crapola.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I backed up a step, hoping Dru’s main beef was with Alex. Safe to say, I wouldn’t take offense if he considered me unworthy of smiting.

  Instead, Alex laughed. The death god and I turned toward the leader of the Draculas, no doubt wondering why he’d chosen this moment to go batshit insane.

  “Do you not see how perfect he is, oh mighty one?”

  Explain yourself.

  “Our enemies will view him the same way - as no threat whatsoever. This makes him the perfect weapon. The Grendel and their allies will seek out the strongest warriors on the battlefield, failing to realize what they have foolishly turned their backs upon.”

  Yeah, me, the guy who’d get the fuck out of Dodge the second they ignored me. I wasn’t too proud to admit that running away was a strategy I hadn’t quite ruled out.

  And they would be correct. The disgust practically dripped off Druaga - along with some drool. Tell me, Alexander of the First, does your grand plan involve our enemies pissing themselves to death with laughter? This creature represents no threat.

  “Yet.”

  “Yet?” I mimicked, unsure where this was going.

  “The Freewill’s appearance is deceptive with regards to the true power that lies inside of him.”

  I grow tired of this...

  “Power that I will now show you.”

  I almost blurted out, “How?” but managed to bite my tongue. Had he already forgotten that I couldn’t change, that the beast inside of me was taking a time out? Hell, even that pack of crazy blind assholes couldn’t help him out. Was he planning to bluff the scaly freak?

  Alex held up an index finger. His nail immediately thickened and elongated into a wicked talon three inches long.

  Uh oh.

  Raising his other arm, he slashed his wrist open in one fluid motion.

  No. He couldn’t be serious.

  But he was. Moving with that same lightning-fast speed as before, he grabbed me and clutched the back of my neck, forcing my mouth onto the spurting wound.

  “Now you will see, Mighty Druaga, just how easily the prey becomes the predator.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  A small part of me was tempted to clamp my mouth shut. Hell, maybe if I did it long enough, Alex would just save us all the trouble and bleed to death. Wouldn’t that be nice? It’d definitely save everyone a lot of trouble to come.

  The truth was that I was terrified of drinking his blood. The last time I’d done so, when he’d secretly slipped it to me back when we were in Canada, it had been far too powerful. The result had caused...

  Was that his plan? If he couldn’t beat Dr. Death out of me, he’d force him out with an overdose of his blood?

  Would that even work? And if it didn’t, what would happen? They could probably try to...

  Goddamn, what a fucking moron I could be.

  If it worked, then I’d change and give Druaga whatever demonstration he was looking for. Alex would probably be happy enough to go grease himself up for another nude cage match. In short, I wouldn’t be in any worse shape than I was.

  But if I didn’t change...

  Fuck it, it was worth a chance.

  I opened my mouth and bit down upon Alex’s arm, letting the lifeblood of quite possibly the most powerful vampire in the world pour down my throat.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The effect was nearly instantaneous. It was like drinking a gallon of rocket fuel, followed by a lit match as a chaser. It spread to my extremities, sending tingles of energy coursing through them. All at once, I felt like a million bucks, as if there were no force on this planet that I couldn’t stand against. My body felt light and springy, ready to bound over rooftops with the barest of effort.

  In short, I felt like a supercharged engine, the RPMs pushed into the red as the gas pedal hit the floor. The blood wasn’t done affecting me, though.

  “ARGH!” I backed away from them and doubled over, feeling as if I were on fire. This was it. I opened my eyes, holding my hands in front of them and expecting my claws to elongate as my body enlarged. My thoughts would become cloudy as the desire for carnage began to take over, until at last my vision would turn red and I would remember nothing.

  Except that didn’t happen.

  Physically, I remained unchanged as the spasms brought on by Alex’s blood subsided. Holy shit, talk about riding out a high. I’m not exactly what you’d call a hardcore pothead, but was known to indulge from time to time. Smoking even the really good shit was nothing compared to this, though.

  I stood up straight, feeling the difference in the world around me. As intense as my senses normally were, they were even more jacked up. I could smell the faintest of scents - something Druaga really didn’t benefit from. I could hear the shallowest of breaths by the guards still standing watch outside my cell. I could...holy fuck. I glanced over the rim of my glasses and realized everything was still in focus. Freaking awesome! That alone was incentive for livin
g two thousand more years.

  It probably wouldn’t last, but maybe I could still use that to my advantage.

  First things first, though.

  “Behold, oh glorious one,” Alex said. “The Freewill who stands before us now is not the same man he was mere seconds ago.” If he was disappointed that I hadn’t changed, he didn’t show it. He was one cool cucumber.

  Pity that I was about to play the part of the paring knife.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Now, Freewill, show the mighty Druaga...”

  “My pleasure.” I used my amped-up speed to move to Alex’s side in less time than it took to think it.

  Quickly, before I could psych myself out of what was surely a suicidal move on my part, I grabbed him by the shirt. He barely had time to raise a questioning eyebrow when I spun and flung him toward the far end of my cell with everything I had.

  It turned out I had even more power than I thought. He flew like he’d been shot out of a missile launcher, crashing into the wall and sending out a shower of debris. Yeah, that was probably gonna piss him off a little.

  I had no delusions about my chances. I might’ve temporarily possessed equal power, but he had centuries of experience on his side. This was a battle I had little chance of winning. Thus, a change in locale was dictated, pronto.

  Impressive, Freew...

  I didn’t let the oversized Sleestak finish the thought. Bringing all of my stolen strength and speed to bear, I rushed toward him shoulder first.

  Ugh! Even with Alex’s power, it was still like trying to tackle a tractor trailer, but fortunately I’d caught him by surprise. I knocked the god of the underworld off his feet, which left me a clear route to the door. Heh, how many people could make that claim?

  There was no time to waste gloating, though.

  I raced to the entrance, paused in the doorway, and turned around. “So sorry, Dru, but I must bid you adieu. P.S. Fuck you.”

  Well, maybe there was a little time to gloat.

  Or not.

  Hands fell upon my shoulders. Shit, I’d forgotten about the guards.

  Pity for them I hadn’t also forgotten the part about having enough strength to arm-wrestle Spider-man and win. However old they were, they were still no match for a vamp of Alex’s power.