The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  I raised an eyebrow. “Then how do you know she’s not there?”

  “Christy. She ran into her a few weeks back. Said something about her maybe leaving town for a while.”

  “Leaving? Where?”

  “No idea. She was kinda vague about the whole thing, but I think she might have mentioned something about a stopover in Vegas.”

  All worry evaporated in an instant. That bitch! There I was, being Alex’s personal gimp in the deepest, darkest dungeon in all of Europe, and she was off on a fucking vacation - probably spending the coven’s money like it was going out of style. “Did she say when she’d be back?”

  Tom just eyed me over his meal. “Do I look like her secretary?”

  He might not have been, but Starlight was - despite any misgivings I had about it. She’d undoubtedly know what was up on the off chance Tom was right and Sally was off gallivanting somewhere. Jeez, turn your back for a few months and people just take the fuck off.

  Oh well, maybe that was a good thing. If she was on an undead party cruise, that probably meant nothing too important was going on. Perhaps the world wasn’t quite as close to the brink of madness as I’d assumed. Sally had her annoying quirks, but I couldn’t believe she’d take a powder if things were truly getting that bad.

  Yeah, that cemented it. I could wait one more day to announce my glorious return. Tonight was for spending with my bros and enjoying a few hours at home. Speaking of which...

  “Um, so...”

  “Yeah, Bill?”

  “My room?”

  “Have a little faith, man. We left it just like it was.”

  “Really?”

  “Yep, although I hope you don’t mind, I kind of forged your name on your checkbook. Your share of the rent wasn’t exactly paying for itself.”

  I was tempted to comment on that, but let it drop. Hell, they could have thrown out, sold, or just outright burned my shit. They would have been within their rights to have done so, too, after the first month of my absence. That they hadn’t said a lot about their faith that I would return...

  Or that nobody else really wanted to live with either of them, but I chose to believe the former.

  I will admit to perhaps a tear in my eye as I got up and walked to my room, my room. A big smile upon my face, I opened the door and felt it slam into something that kept it from swinging in all of the way.

  What the?

  “Almost forgot,” Tom said, “we didn’t change anything, but I figured you wouldn’t mind if I stored some shit in there. Been buying a lot of stuff for the baby and didn’t have any place else to put it.”

  Oh yeah - I was definitely home again.

  No Rest for the Wicked

  I took some time to move Tom’s boxes out of the way, noting that a good chunk of his “baby” supplies consisted of old, semi-broken action figures that he’d probably gotten off eBay.

  After that, I finally changed into some of my own clothes. They smelled a bit musty - apparently, nobody had bothered to wash them in my absence - but I didn’t really care. They were a shitload better than the damp mishmash of clothes I’d been wearing, but best of all, they were mine.

  Or at least I thought they were. I cinched up my pants and they almost fell off me. I tried another pair and noticed the same thing. A quick trip in front of the bathroom mirror and my eyebrows rose up in surprise. I’d somehow lost almost a pants size. It wasn’t much, nothing quite as dramatic as Tobey Maguire going to bed as skinny old Peter Parker and waking up a buff Spider-Man.

  Even so, it was definitely not expected. I’d thought that physical change wasn’t possible for a vamp. Guess I was wrong. If it didn’t involve killing so many people, I might’ve almost been tempted to see what else the Dr. Death diet could do.

  That could wait, though. For now, clad in my favorite Doctor Who shirt, I felt like me again, even if my belt was cinched extra tight.

  I stepped out of my room and sat down to let Tom fill me in some more while we waited for Ed to get home. Christy’s pregnancy had kept him pretty busy, although luckily, it sounded like she’d taken some precautions to ensure she didn’t turn his brain into sludge again.

  “That’s good to hear.”

  “Tell me about it. You hit really hard for such a big pussy.” He rubbed his jaw for effect.

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s all good. I’d have done the same. The whole thing was fucked up. I figured it would be at least a couple of years before I went all Darth Vader over a kid. Oh, speaking of which, you might want to check in with your parents at some point.”

  My parents? Oh, fuck. I hadn’t even considered them, with everything that was going on. I knew how my mom was with these things. When I was a kid, she was the type to call the cops if I was even five minutes late for dinner. I could only imagine what...

  “Relax,” he said, obviously seeing my panic. “They’re cool. Fortunately for you, I am the master of making excuses. You’ve just been busy every time they’ve called. They do probably think you’re a dick for not calling back, though.”

  I sighed in relief. “I can live with that. Thanks. That’s another one I owe you.”

  “Who’s counting?” he replied with a sly grin that told me he was - the ass.

  I was about to respond when I heard footsteps approaching the front door. If you live with a person long enough, you learn to identify them in any number of ways - including how they walked. One didn’t need vampire senses for that. My super-sensitive ears were useful for hearing it from further away than a regular person, though.

  Had my heart still been beating, it would have probably sped up in joy at the anticipated reunion. Even so, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to have a little fun with things.

  “Play it cool,” I said to Tom before getting up and walking into our kitchen nook. I opened the fridge, noting with a bit of regret the lack of blood. Oh well, I couldn’t really blame them. Keeping the refrigerator full of O-negative when nobody was around to drink it would just be fucking weird. For the moment, I grabbed a cup out of our dish drain and poured myself a glass of Pepsi.

  The front door opened and the familiar voice of my other roommate followed. “Goddamn, what a fucking day. I so hate vendors who...”

  “That’s great, because whining like a bitch will definitely solve that problem,” I interrupted, stepping from the kitchen with a big grin on my face.

  Silence fell upon the room. Ed’s jaw nearly dropped to the floor in surprise. Mine did likewise at how he was dressed. It wasn’t exactly an Armani suit, but since when did he even wear business casual? He stood there in khakis and a button down shirt, a sports blazer slung across one arm, and an actual briefcase in the other. Jesus Christ, I really had been gone a long time.

  Tom was the one to break the silence. “It’s amazing what wanders in if you leave the door open long enough, isn’t it?”

  Ed dropped the briefcase. Thank goodness, too. Of all the things going on, I think that was potentially the freakiest. “Holy shit, you’re back.”

  “That’s what I hear.”

  “When...”

  “A few hours ago.”

  “You couldn’t have called?”

  “I didn’t get good reception in the dungeon they kept me locked in.”

  That broke the deadlock. Simultaneously, we both stepped forward and embraced. Holy shit, it was awesome. I mean, Tom had said Ed was fine, but to actually see him in the flesh was...well, I might have gotten choked up a wee bit.

  Thankfully, Tom existed to ruin such moments, lest we get used to expressing silly things like our feelings. “Aw, this is just like one of those tampon commercials.”

  “Fuck you, asshole.” I backed up a step. “You have no idea how worried I was, Ed.”

  “It’ll take a lot more than some pussy vampire to keep me down.”

  “I’m sorry, I...”

  “Don’t.” He held up a hand. “It was a fucked up situation, n
o matter how you look at it. I got unlucky, is all.”

  “Yeah, but it was my fault.”

  “Fuck that shit. I knew what I was getting into.”

  He’d said that to me before. I guess I didn’t want to believe he actually meant it. Regardless, I let it drop so as to avoid getting all weepy again. The bottom line was that he was standing there in front of me, alive. Now wasn’t the time to mourn.

  “So, when did you sell out and go all corporate?” I asked, eyeing his attire again.

  He sighed, as if knowing that had been coming. “Right about the same time that Jim fired your ass.”

  Oh, shit. That, unfortunately, answered yet another question I should have asked, but hadn’t thought to. Once again, it stung, even though it shouldn’t have been much of a surprise. It was going to suck majorly come payday, though. “Let me guess. He didn’t appreciate my little sabbatical?”

  “Something like that.”

  “So what happened with you? You grow a work ethic while I was gone and get promoted or something?”

  “Close. I quit.”

  “Why?”

  “Well...I had another offer.”

  “Oh, this should be good,” Tom muttered as he turned his chair toward us.

  I glanced at him sideways, then back toward Ed. Something was definitely up. One didn’t need to be a blind seer to see that. “What? Oh, don’t tell me you got a job as Sally’s gigolo or something like that. Because let me tell you, the severance package is gonna be a real motherfucker once she gets bored with your skinny ass.”

  “Nothing like that.” He tossed his jacket onto a chair, stretched, and then unbuttoned the top two buttons of his dress shirt. It was a casual gesture, but I immediately noticed the nasty burn mark peeking out from underneath. It was in the shape of Sheila’s hand. She’d somehow given it to him as she’d attempted to drag him back from the precipice of life and undeath. He’d gotten lucky, but it had been close - so close that none of us had any idea at the time whether she’d been successful.

  Ed saw where my gaze was focused. “You’re halfway to guessing my sudden career change.”

  I blinked confusedly in response. What the fuck did that mean? “So...you have a palm print on your neck. What, are you the assistant manager in charge of giving out hand jobs?”

  Tom snorted laughter, earning a withering look from Ed.

  “No, stupid. It’s who gave me the palm print that’s important. Before you burn off any brain cells trying to figure it out, allow me to elaborate. You are looking at the acting president of Iconic Efficiencies.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It’s a pity I’d been sipping from my cup at that moment - I immediately doused Ed’s nice white shirt with a spray of soda.

  I couldn’t help it. Iconic Efficiencies had been Sheila’s company. She’d left her job as my group’s administrative assistant and formed it. It had been part of the change in her attitude that had let her belief in herself blossom - a chain reaction that ultimately changed her into the Icon, dreaded foe of the vampire race.

  But how the hell did that lead to Ed taking it over? I mean, the guy was a graphic designer. As far as I knew, he had zero business acumen and even less desire to obtain any. I summed this all up in a nice, succinct manner. “How the fuck did that happen?”

  “Can I answer, or do you want to spit on me some more?” He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a few paper towels with which to blot himself dry.

  “I repeat, how the fuck did that happen?”

  “Sorry. I would have told you after all that shit with Remington was over, but you were missing and I was busy being unconscious.”

  “But when?”

  “Over lunch. Remember that?”

  I did and still felt guilty about it. There had been a momentary break in the weather, the first of what was apparently a string of supernatural storms since then. Ed and Sheila, being the lone occupants who couldn’t survive on blood, had left the coven safe house in search of some food. Only Sheila had returned, with the cops hot on her tail following a run-in with some witches.

  I nodded, indicating he should continue.

  “Well, it’s simple really. Before Christy’s coven barged in and zapped me, Sheila and I had a good, long talk.”

  “About what?”

  “Lots of things, but we eventually wound up on the subject of her company. Needless to say, she was really bummed that she’d finally gotten something of her own off the ground and then all of this shit had to start.”

  “I get that, but why you?”

  “What? You don’t trust my impeccable business sense?” he asked in a wounded tone. I raised one eyebrow, waiting for him to continue. “Well, okay, that’s basically the same thing I told her.”

  “Yet here you are.”

  “She didn’t want her company to go under. I guess she sort of saw it as her baby. I mean, I can dig that. At the same time, her eyes were open as to what was going on. She was aware of how the Templar took over things and set that trap for us.”

  “I think it was mostly for me.”

  “Yeah, but I got my ass kicked as a consolation prize.”

  “Not my fault you’re a wuss.”

  “Says the guy who spent the past quarter of a year being Alexander the Great’s dungeon bitch,” Tom added.

  I stopped my verbal sparring long enough to glare at him.

  Ed continued. “Anyway, as I was saying, she wanted someone to run the place in case...”

  “The worst happened?” I offered, my voice cracking a bit.

  Ed put his hand on my shoulder, about as close as he typically came to being comforting. “Listen, Bill...”

  I held up a hand. “Let’s not right now, okay?” He nodded, understanding showing in his eyes. “So, why you?”

  “That’s what I was getting to. I mean, I wondered the same thing. We were always friendly when she worked for Jim, but it’s not like I was her best bud or anything.”

  His words from moments earlier rang through my head and I suddenly understood. “You’re one of the few people who know the truth.”

  “Exactly what she said. That, and I guess I was as close to a neutral party as she was going to find. Obviously, I’m not a wizard. I don’t work for the Sasquatches, and I’m sure as shit not your thrall - no matter what anyone says. In short, I don’t really bring a hidden agenda with me, but know enough to keep my eyes open and make sure her staff stays safe.”

  “And how are you supposed to do that?”

  “Well,” he said with a grin, “for starters, I used my very first executive-sized paycheck to pick myself up a nice new Mossberg along with a bunch of shells filled with silver shot.”

  “It’s a start.”

  “And I hired a few of the surviving Templar as security.”

  My jaw hit the floor, bounced, and landed there again. I was tempted to question his sanity, but then saw the shit-eating grin he wore from ear to ear.

  Asshole.

  It was good to be home again.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The rest of the evening was awesomeness personified. No other vampires, no magic-wielding girlfriends, nothing teleporting in and trying to disintegrate the building - just the three of us, bullshitting and passing around a celebratory bottle of tequila. I brought them both up to speed on what had happened to me - the parts I could remember, that is - being sure to add in a chapter about the hot Freewill groupie who helped me escape, but not before demanding I make furious love to her as payment for her services.

  Hey, it’s my story, and I’ll embellish it as I damn well please.

  They likewise filled in the rest of the blanks of what had been my life, which seemed to mostly consist of keeping their noses out of the supernatural world and making up excuses for me. I had to laugh. It had only been little more than a year, but I’d nearly forgotten how so unexciting our lives had been pre-vampire. Take that out of the equation and things appar
ently went right back to normal.

  If it weren’t for the impending end of the world, that might have given me pause. Without me around, the forces of the weird and unnatural had no interest in my friends, sans maybe Christy. Sadly, my leaving again would only be a temporary balm for my roommates. There could only be so much normal to be had when the clouds threatened to belch out supernatural death at any moment.

  I pushed those thoughts away as the evening went on. Enough guilt already weighed me down. Much more and I wouldn’t be able to do anything other than listen to hipster music and write depressing poetry.

  Fuck that. If I was gonna save the world, I needed a clean head and any advantage I could get - including being on my home turf.

  The phone rang a few times as the night continued, but we ignored it - letting it go to the machine - especially while they got me caught up on a few of the shows I’d missed. Goddamn, I really needed to invest in a DVR with an extra-large hard drive. After updating my resume, I’d need to get my ass to some pirate sites and start downloading. The penalties for copyright infringement weren’t so scary compared to all the shit I’d seen.

  Tom finally passed out, leaving Ed and me to mock him for a little while. Soon enough, he’d be dragging his ass for completely different reasons. I had no idea what was worse: waking up with a hangover or being dead on your feet from changing shit-filled diapers all night, but I knew which one I’d prefer. I had a feeling Christy wasn’t going to tolerate too much of the former. Poor guy. Of all of us, he was the least prepared to grow up.

  Of course, that didn’t stop us from scrawling “dickless” on his forehead with a Sharpie while he snored away.

  Finally, we decided to turn in. Ed looked beat and, despite my vampire stamina, I’d have no problem getting to sleep. Hell, the prospect of doing so in my own bed - and not atop a pile of rotting corpses in a dank cave - had me practically excited.

  Ed locked up as I dragged Tom to his room and tossed his unconscious ass onto the bed. I threw a blanket onto him, swiped a micro-USB cable so I could recharge my stolen phone, positioned his Cheetara figure to look like she was going down on Leader 1 from the Gobots, then turned off the lights and stepped out.