The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Is it me,” Ed asked, “or does none of this make much fucking sense so far?”

  “Indeed it does not,” James replied. “As I said, much of this was thought to be just rumor or myth - anecdotes to keep the younger vampires amused. Now I begin to fear it may be more than that.”

  “So what if it is?” I asked. “Seriously, what harm is a bunch of mystics right now? What are they gonna do, sit around and get stoned while everyone else is off fighting Bigfoot?” Truth be told, that didn’t sound so bad to me. Hell, if that were the case, I’d consider signing up.

  James spun around to face me. “It is very simple.” He raised a hand and poked my chest for effect - a small token effort on his part, but it packed enough power behind it to make me wince in pain. “This group of stoned mystics, as you so flippantly put it, nearly destroyed us all twelve hundred years ago.”

  Oh, well, when he put it that way...

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  As we made our way slowly back to Manhattan, James continued to explain things. I’d known a bit about our war with the Feet and how the vampires had sided with mankind to fight them off - resulting in the Humbaba Accord, a treaty that had held the peace for about five thousand years...that is, until yours truly came along.

  According to him, the Cult of Ib rose to prominence shortly after the treaty was signed - long before we were organized into covens and the formation of the Draculas. At first, they served as a priesthood of sorts for the vampire world, but as their power grew, they assumed partial influence over the warrior caste as well.

  The problem? These guys were fucking psychos. They were the role models such kindly folks as the Assyrians and Aztecs based their cultures on. We’re talking blood sacrifices, genocidal culling, the works.

  Their shit eventually started to seriously tick off the more progressive-minded members of the vampire community - not to mention the humans who were busy forming their own empires.

  If you’re thinking this powder keg eventually ignited into a bloody-ass civil war, give yourself a cigar. What a surprise - super-powered beings eventually decided to kick each other’s asses rather than talk through their problems. Sounds like comic book material to me.

  “Okay, so it was vamps killing vamps.” Tom said, wheezing a bit. The long walk had started to catch up to him.

  Thankfully, the five of us were nearing our destination - Calibra had caught up with us at some point around Canal Street.

  “It was far more than that,” James explained. “It was a very different world in those days. Freewills mercilessly led the charge on either side. Wholesale slaughter became commonplace. Come the sunrise, it is said ash covered whole battlefields. What we had all fought so hard to avoid at the hands of the Feet...”

  Tom and I dissolved into laughter at that.

  Calibra bared her fangs, no doubt to remind us of how fucking disrespectful we were being, but James waved her off.

  “I am well used to it by now,” he said with just a touch of sarcasm before continuing. “The chaos we had fought so hard to avoid was now in danger of consuming us wholly. The Cult was relentless. They used everything they had to their advantage and nearly succeeded.”

  “So what happened?” I asked.

  “Humans. Seeing that the Cult of Ib would not stop until the entire world had bled out for them, the few vestiges of humanity who still remembered the days of the Humbaba Accord rallied to our side. They entered the fray just as our defenses were about to crumble. Magi and Icons alike bolstered their forces. The tide turned until, eventually, the Cult was crushed and their leadership scattered.”

  “I’ve heard it said that Alexander was rewarded with a promotion to the ranks of the First for his bravery during that final battle,” Calibra said, drawing our attention.

  “Oh?” James replied. “I did not know that.”

  “It’s just rumor, of course.”

  “Of course,” he said. “Regardless, the Cult was hunted down over the next hundred years - destroyed to the last man.”

  “Apparently not,” Tom rightfully mused.

  “Evidently, and that is what disturbs me most. The archives make mention that none of the Cult were to be spared, not even as the decollari.”

  “Let me guess,” I said. “It’s because they were afraid of what’s happening right now?”

  James stiffened as he walked, giving me his answer before he voiced it. “Precisely.”

  Some days, I really hated being right.

  Sunset is Never Far Away

  The sewer entrance for the office was sealed tight. Usually, nobody paid any attention to it. Nobody human, that is. Now, however, the manhole cover leading up to the subbasement wouldn’t budge. That was probably my fault as well, seeing as how I’d fallen to the bottom of the elevator shaft with a mutilated corpse in tow - a mess I certainly hadn’t time to clean up.

  “Allow me.”

  James put his back into it and there came a loud squeal of metal - echoing for some time down in the tunnels. Once the heavy duty locks snapped, I was near certain that we’d ascend to find a small arsenal of riot guns pointed at us.

  Instead, nothing but darkness and quiet greeted us, like it would any other night. However, this was definitely unlike any other night I remembered. In the space of less than forty-eight hours, the world had apparently lost its fucking mind.

  “Notice anything?” Ed asked.

  “Yeah, it’s a basement,” I replied.

  “Not you, jackass.”

  “Difficult to say,” James said. “The smell of blood is heavy down here, but there are too many other scents to be more specific: old wiring, mildew, greased electronics, a cot belonging to a maintenance employee who doesn’t believe in washing his hands after masturbating.” He gestured toward what I thought to be a janitor’s closet. Note to self: don’t touch anything in there ever.

  “Vampires?” I asked, not smelling nearly as much as he did - and quite thankful of it for once.

  “Their passage, yes. Recent, too, but it unfortunately doesn’t give me insight into whether any are still here.”

  “Only one way to find out,” Tom said.

  He had a point, although I’d be lying my ass off if I claimed to be looking forward to a rematch with Chuck. That being said, I felt a shitload better knowing who had my back. “Let’s use the stairs. Elevators are out...trust me on this one. Everyone set?”

  “Not all of us,” James said.

  “Oh?” Tom replied defensively. He must have expected to be told this was vampire business. Fucking twit. He didn’t seem to realize that if James didn’t want him there, he wouldn’t be there. He’d already had his brains scrambled by one compulsion this night. Guess that wasn’t enough for him.

  “Indeed,” James replied, turning to Calibra. “Please go and wait for us in the safe house, the one in which we met Dr. Death and his companions.”

  “Wanderer?” she asked questioningly.

  “I know your conviction to your duties. Believe me, I do not doubt them. The situation, however, has changed. What was a disturbing hunch has now become a frightening reality. I need someone in authority to coordinate a response should our search here prove fruitful.”

  Wait...fruitful? Was James basically telling her what I thought he was - that even he wasn’t sure he’d make it out of this alive? So much for feeling better about things.

  Calibra put up a mild argument, but she was too ingrained in the vampire hierarchy to do much more. When one of the Draculas started handing out orders, the only ones who questioned them were the insane or the stupid.

  Considering my habit of doing such, that left me wondering which of the two that made me.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  James told Calibra to give us until sunrise before calling in the troops. That gave us a little under two hours. Considering the safe house wasn’t too far away, we’d have plenty of time to search the office and discover it empty - or get pummeled into tiny
bits of goo if it wasn’t. For the record, despite the worry I felt for Dave, Starlight, and even Firebird, I still hoped for that former scenario.

  The stairwell was empty and dark. Perhaps this building was experiencing a similar outage as we’d seen at the safe house. It seemed a likely explanation.

  We made it up only a few flights before James declared, “A lot of humans died here today...some very recently.” That didn’t exactly fill me with warm fuzzies. “Gunfire, too.”

  “Police?”

  “I can smell nine-millimeter discharge, so that is distinctly possible.”

  “You can tell that?” Ed asked.

  “I can tell a great many things,” he replied with a wry grin, “including that you used exactly one spritz of Drakkar Noir to freshen up your clothing yesterday and your friend here last showered with Axe body wash, but used Dove ladies’ deodorant afterwards.”

  I stopped in my ascent to peer at Tom.

  “What? Christy left it in the bathroom.”

  “I hope she didn’t leave any douche behind too,” Ed muttered.

  “I’d say we already know the answer to that one,” I replied before turning to James. “The people that were killed, were they...”

  “Some. They’re likely to be feral, so be on your guard.”

  He didn’t need to tell me that twice.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The door to the office’s main floor had been locked and sealed, unsurprisingly, with police tape - had being the operative word. Whatever had broken in before our arrival had done so with supernatural strength, using the old vampire trick of turning the knob until the tumblers snapped.

  A soft thud from the next landing alerted me a split second before James said, “Movement above.”

  “We rent that floor, too, for storage. Occasionally, some of the group will sack out there. Maybe...”

  “I concur. It bears investigation.”

  “Human or vamp?”

  “It is difficult to tell. A great deal of vampire scent is lingering on this floor, most of it recent. There’s much more, though: blood, smoke mixed with fresh air, and the trace of an ashing as well.” He no doubt sniffed Monkhbat’s last stand. “This was the epicenter of whatever occurred here.”

  Hell, I could’ve told him that. “Should we go up?”

  “I am reluctant to give up the high ground before we’ve secured this floor.”

  That sounded like a good strategy...similar to what Obi Wan warned Anakin about right before he made the whiney little fucker two feet shorter.

  “Shouldn’t someone guard the door?” Ed asked.

  “When’s the last time you watched a horror movie, genius? You never split up.”

  “Actually, your friend’s advice is sound,” James corrected, earning me a victory smirk from my douche of a roommate.

  “It would be wise to have warning should an attack be imminent.”

  “Tom or Ed?”

  “Neither. No offense, but if one of our kind decides that hostilities are in order, they would both most likely die before they could even cry out an alarm.”

  I was kind of doubtful on that front. My friends had faced off against vamps or worse. They’d certainly get a chance to scream their heads off before being horribly killed.

  Still, I got what James had implied. A lookout who could both fight off a potential attack and, if not, at least have a chance in hell of outrunning their assailant was preferable. “I guess I’m on guard duty.”

  “Have fun,” Tom said as he and Ed turned to follow James.

  “You’re both ditching me?”

  “Sorry, man, but we stuck with you in Brooklyn and almost got our asses kicked. Time to mix it up a bit.”

  Dickheads. However, they had a point. They were my best friends, but James could fell a bull elephant with a punch. I’d have chosen him too.

  Fortunately, it’s not like they’d be going far. Hell, it’s not like there was even a door to obscure the view inside anymore. “Okay, guys. I’ve got...”

  The prophecy is a lie. One of your own shall be the downfall of your filthy race.

  Once more, the voice of Harry Decker carried through the air. I didn’t know what the fuck it meant, but it sure as shit got our attention.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I abandoned my post without a second thought and the four of us raced into the office. The main section was as I’d left it...a fucking mess. They hadn’t even boarded up the windows that’d been smashed. Cold air blew in freely, bringing with it the scent of smoke that James had mentioned.

  But that was it. There was nothing in the room save for a bunch of office furniture, a good deal of it smashed to all hell.

  “The back offices,” I said, leading the way. That’s where I’d heard his voice last time - more specifically, the main corner suite. I thought maybe I’d gone loopy the first time, having just gotten pummeled by Chuck. Now, though, I had to think differently. The others had heard it too. Shit, it had been loud enough to wake the dead. Almost as if it’d been broadcast in my head...

  That thought just barely had time to coalesce when three things happened in short order. First, I reached the corner office by way of the hole I’d been thrown through earlier, then James cried out a warning to wait just as a very familiar scent reached my nostrils.

  Oh, did I say three things? I meant four. Right as I crossed the threshold, a well-manicured fist shot out from the side, sending me flying.

  Before I’d even landed, I knew the owner of said office had returned to claim it.

  I found myself on the floor, looking up as Sally stepped out and stood over me, looking none too pleased.

  “What the fuck have you done to my coven?”

  A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Ambush

  A mix of emotions ran through my head, as well as a good chunk of pain as I waited for my jaw to reset itself. Before I could say anything, though, Sally hauled me to my feet and threw her arms around me.

  “Don’t you ever run off again, asshole.”

  Stunned as I was, I hugged her back. Goddamn, I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed her. It was like having my arm chopped off, only to find it regrown - a not entirely impossible occurrence when you’re undead.

  Sadly, this probably wasn’t the time for us to get too sappy with each other. “This would be a lot nicer if you weren’t wearing that shir...OOF!”

  Her knee came up so fast it was almost like she’d expected me to say something like that. Note to self: next time, back up a step before opening my mouth.

  I crumpled to the floor, the moment obviously over.

  “Welcome back,” Ed said as he stepped forward, ignoring my obvious trauma. The whole band of brothers thing went right out the window when a piece of ass was up for grabs. “I missed...I mean, we’ve missed you.”

  She looked around and took in the destruction. “It’s good to be back...sorta.”

  Not quite getting the memo that now was probably a poor time to flirt, he tried again. “You didn’t say goodbye.”

  “I also didn’t snap your neck before leaving. Not every guy can make that claim.”

  “Fascinating, I’m sure.” James stepped in between them. “While I am not entirely surprised to find you here, I had thought us clear on the importance of your current post.”

  “Don’t worry. Steve has things covered back at Pandora.”

  “Who’s Steve?” I croaked, slowly pulling myself to my feet.

  “A more competent vampire than you,” she said offhandedly, falling right back into it as if we’d last talked just a few hours ago.

  “Be that as it may,” James replied, “I was under the impression that...”

  “I’d do the right thing?” she questioned, not breaking eye contact with him. What the hell were they talking about? “I was thinking that over and came to the conclusion that the right choice was where I could do the most good. Sure, I was helping people out there
in Vegas, but realized I could potentially help them a lot more by coming back.”

  “Wait, you were helping people?” Tom asked. “How?”

  “By relieving them of all their troubles. Care for a demonstration, meatbag?”

  “That’s quite all right,” he replied, backing up slowly.

  James appeared to consider things. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but it seemed painfully obvious he’d been aware of Sally’s relocation. What that meant, though, I had no idea.

  “Under different circumstances, I would be concerned over what could be construed as negligence toward upholding one’s assigned duties. The situation has changed, however. You may very well be right in your assumption.”

  “Tell me about it,” she replied. “I’m surprised my plane landed in one piece. I don’t know what the fuck was circling around JFK, but they sure as shit weren’t seagulls.”

  “I was referring to what’s been going on here. Speaking of which...” He tilted his head as if listening. “I dare say we forgot to guard the stairwell.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Something hissed from near the doorway a split second after James’s warning. All our heads turned to find about a dozen vampires piling in, their eyes blackened and no trace of humanity showing on their faces.

  “Yours?” he asked.

  “None that I’ve met.”

  “They aren’t my recruits, either,” Sally added.

  My roommates wisely moved to a position behind the rest of us as James said, “They must be freshly risen, then - quite possibly within the past hour.”

  Sure enough, the dress of the vamps seemed to reinforce this. Half were in business suits, but there was a janitor and several uniformed cops amongst their number. The only question regarding that latter group, though, was whether they’d been victims of the original attack or had been left behind to watch over the premises and pulled the most unlucky guard duty shift ever.

  I raised my fists. I wasn’t too worried about the vamps individually, but wasn’t a big fan of being dog-piled, either.