The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Anyway, in the time I’d been here, the Jahabich had only made it to the tunnel once, and it had been short lived. A pair of the creatures was fried in their tracks before they’d gotten halfway through. Nowadays, the only ones who approached the gate were either returning patrols or the occasional homeless squatter.

  That last part was a mindblower, I mused as I reached the gate and peered through it to the dark tunnel beyond. Thanks to Sally’s patrols, the homeless had returned to Vegas’s tunnel system, but they mostly stayed close. If there was an issue or any sightings of the rocky abominations, they knew to come tell us. In return, although she wouldn’t have admitted it had Alexander himself compelled her, she would occasionally give any food rations we could spare to them.

  Go figure. Sally helping humans - the same Sally who ran a fake suicide hotline back in New York to lure unsuspecting victims. Now she had somehow become their guardian angel. For perhaps the thousandth time, I wondered what the hell had transpired during the months I’d spent as a prisoner in the vampire stronghold of Switzerland.

  Oh well, there would be time to bug her about that - again - later. Hell, I had all of eternity to weasel it out of her.

  I hunkered next to the gate, looking down the tunnel beyond for any sign of our returning patrol. It wasn’t an exact science, sadly. There was the possibility I’d be there for a while waiting, although hopefully not too long, as I kind of had to take a piss.

  Sally and Ed wandered off to the far end of the room to talk, probably some pointless flirting on his part with a lot of eye-rolling and violent innuendo on hers. Talk about a pairing fated to end badly. They were a match made in Hell even before I’d gotten taken prisoner - or at least that’s how it was for Ed. He was like a little mouse being toyed with by a crazy blonde cat. Now things were different. Ed’s blood was a lethal cocktail to vamps. That didn’t bode well for a relationship with a woman who admittedly liked to get bitey.

  There was also the immortality factor. Though nobody, Ed included, knew the extent of the changes that had been wrought upon him, there was nothing I’d seen so far to indicate his lifespan was any different than it had been before. In all likelihood, he’d be dust in a grave while Sally was shaking her ass at the dabo tables of Deep Space Nine.

  Hah, that was a good one. Was it really any different than my situation with Sheila had been? Goddamn, we must’ve all had rocks in our heads. At least she had been smart enough to hook up with a human, someone she could potentially grow old with. Ed would be wise to do the same. As for Sally, well, the life of an immortal was bound to be a lonely one. I mean, sure, if we all somehow survived the end of the world, I’d be there to annoy her for the rest of...

  The thought caught in my head. Us together for centuries, maybe longer? Whereas once the concept would’ve made me cringe, now I found it oddly comforting. I mean, I sure as shit wasn’t Harry Potter, and Sally definitely wasn’t Hermione Granger by any stretch of the imagination. Should the opportunity ever arise to bang her, you wouldn’t see me turning that down. Even so, I had never really considered the concept of...us.

  I glanced back toward where she and my roommate continued to converse and was surprised to find some ugly emotions swimming in my head, ones I seemed to be experiencing with increasing frequency where their relationship was concerned. I finally recognized it for what it was...jealousy. I’d felt it before, but always assumed it had been little more than a case of him making inroads with a hot babe while I was still a single loser.

  Nah, that was crazy talk. Sure, Sally was attractive beyond anything I aspired to ever date, but she was also a crazy dangerous bitch - a mass murderer. Even so, she was also one of the smartest people I knew, seemingly always several steps ahead of me. There was also the fact that she had a wicked sense of humor - wicked being the operative word.

  I shook my head. What the fuck was I thinking? Ever since I’d first laid eyes on Sheila, I’d been in love with her. Nothing had changed in that regards...except that she was living with another guy, one she seemed to be pretty cozy with, while I’d spent the past few months learning to accept that and move on.

  Wait...move on? Had I actually allowed myself the possibility of thinking there could be someone else in my life? I’d spent so much time pining for her that it didn’t seem I’d ever...

  Argh! I so didn’t need this right now.

  “Open the gate! They’re coming!”

  The frantic cry from down the tunnel dragged me back to the here and now. Someone rounded the corner from the sewers beyond and raced toward my position. Two more soon joined him. Despite still needing my glasses to focus, my eyes cut through the darkness and recognized them as the group we’d sent out - or at least part of them. There were three vampires, but none of the mages who’d gone out with them.

  As they neared my location, more shapes entered the tunnel behind them - misshapen creatures with eyes of pure orange fury.

  Oh, shit!

  I scrambled to unlock the gate while screaming over my shoulder, “Sally, we have incoming!”

  The loud boom of the trapdoor opening above indicated she had raced up the ladder to the club. Hopefully, she was hauling ass for reinforcements, because the creatures were gaining. Goddamn, for stupid rock monsters, they sure could move fast when they wanted to.

  “Come on, come on,” I muttered, simultaneously to our people and to myself while struggling with the heavy lock. I managed to swing open the gate just as the vamps reached it. Kristofer and his crew dove through, and I slammed it shut again, managing to lock it just as the group of angry Jahabich crashed into it. The entire structure shook, but it had been built to last - heavy steel, sunk deep into concrete.

  “Close, but no cigar, fuckers!” I stepped back from the gate, not wanting to tempt fate. “You guys okay?” I asked over my shoulder a second before the mildewy smell of the creatures reached my nose.

  “Yes, we are more than okay now,” a gravelly voice responded.

  What the?

  My blood turned even colder than usual as I spun to find Kristofer and the other two vamps standing there smiling. Sadly, gone were their normal white fangs and teeth. Black spears of obsidian jutted out in their place.

  Oh, fuck!

  A Rock Monster and a Hard Place

  For a moment, I just stood there, trying to absorb what had just happened. The faces the creatures wore seemed to melt away, reforming into their native shapes. Their heads tripled in size and their mouths grew to accommodate the stalagmites that passed as their teeth. Their eyes sank in until a strange orange glow, like a fire burning somewhere deep inside, replaced them. Perhaps worst of all was seeing their fingers thicken and consolidate until their arms ended in heavy, jagged clubs.

  Yeah, this day had just taken a turn for the worse.

  Why is it always on my watch?

  Three on one sucked, but thankfully I’d locked the gate. I risked a glance over my shoulder...oh, fuck - it was much better than a lot against one.

  How the hell had this happened? We’d seen these things assume the shape of people before, but never of anyone we knew.

  Alas, any such answers weren’t forthcoming as the nearest of the beasts swung its arm club. I sidestepped in the nick of time to watch it clank off the gate behind me, sending up a shower of sparks that I was surprised didn’t catch my hair on fire.

  “You’re supposed to yell ‘It’s clobberin’ time!’ first.”

  “You are the Freewill,” one of them said in that rock-salt gargling voice of theirs. “We will enjoy you.”

  Enjoy me? Why did that sound like it had a sick sexual undertone to it? Well, fuck that shit. I wasn’t into being pegged by giant talking dildos.

  The creature came at me again and its buddies decided to join it this time. My only chance was to survive long enough for Sally to get back with reinforcements.

  These things might’ve had twice the girth of linebackers, but fortunately, they weren’t over
ly tall - barely Sally’s height. That gave me at least something to work with.

  I backed up a step to the gate. The creatures beyond bellowed with rage, but the openings in it were too narrow for them to reach their appendages through. They weren’t too small for me to get a foothold on, though. I planted a sneaker and kicked off, using my awesome undead strength to propel myself up over the ugly heads of the monsters in the room. I doubted I’d score a perfect ten on the landing, but it would give me some breathing room to maneuver while...

  ...while I got properly fucked.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Three things happened nearly simultaneously. A gunshot sounded, the report deafening in the enclosed area. Sparks flew as something ricocheted off of the furthest creature’s back, and then fire exploded in my gut as the bullet decided I’d make a much more impressive target - airborne as I was.

  It wasn’t heavy caliber - another of the 9mm weapons we’d been training with, but it certainly ruined any chance I had of sticking the landing. I hit the slick concrete floor with a meaty thud as I clenched up into a ball to keep my innards from leaking out.

  “Oh, fuck!” Ed cried. “I’m sorry, Bill.”

  “Don’t mention it,” I croaked, silently thanking several pantheons Sally didn’t insist on practicing with anything bigger.

  I would’ve said more, but one of the Jahabich brought its arm down onto my shoulder in a crushing blow, shattering my collar bone and decimating several square feet of skin from my body. Man, and I kinda liked this shirt too.

  Risking a glance up, I saw the creature raise its arm again. Who’d a thunk it? After all the bullshit - after Jeff, Turd, Alex, Vehron, even Gan - a stupid pile of masonry was going to do me in. I was sure somewhere those blind seers that had made all those bullshit prophecies about me were laughing their eyeless asses off.

  I braced myself, hoping the sensation of my skull caving in wouldn’t hurt too much. Then, just as the creature brought down the massive club of an appendage, it shape-shifted again. It was only partial, but it morphed its hand back into that of a human. It reached down, dug into my pants pocket, got a wee bit too personal with my junk, then found what it was looking for and pulled back, its prize in hand: the key to the fucking gate.

  I actually found myself rooting for them to finish me off because if Sally caught wind of this, I’d have to hear about it for a long time to come.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The thieving Jahabich smiled down at me, the meaning clear - it meant to open the gate and let its buddies in to have all sorts of smashy fun with my skull.

  Just then, another shot sounded. Oh, shit! Was Ed trying to finish the job he’d started on me?

  Instead, the bullet hit the monster right in one of its glowing orange eyes. The creature’s head snapped back and it roared. Unfortunately, it was more of a cry of rage than an “I’m about to die like a good defeated foe” sound. It was hard to tell if any real damage had been done, but even so, Ed’s bullet bouncing around in its skull had definitely pissed it off good and proper.

  Sadly, the nearest projectile to hurl at my roommate just so happened to be me. The Jahabich delivered a massive kick to my midsection with its cinderblock of a foot, pretty much ensuring a liquid diet in my near future.

  I flew across the room, causing Ed to dive out of the way lest I use him as a human air cushion to stop my flight. Once again, I found myself slamming into the wall, this time at a much greater velocity. I had the briefest glimpse of my blood splattering out in a Rorschach pattern before ending up face down on the ground.

  My roommate was there in a split second. “Are you okay?”

  “Nothing three months in a body cast won’t cure,” I mumbled as his hands grasped me under the shoulders and begin to haul me into a sitting position. Normally you’re not supposed to move trauma victims until the EMTs arrive. However, I doubted any ambulances were on the way. Besides, those rules kind of went out the window where vampires were concerned. We could absorb a massive amount of punishment and still bounce back. The only problem was it all still hurt like a motherfucker.

  As he propped me up against the wall, I happened to glance back toward our attackers.

  Oh, shit!

  The two other creatures who’d slipped by my defenses were headed our way. Guess they weren’t taking any chances. Behind them, the first one, arm still human - and looking pretty fucking ridiculous sticking out of its nearly spherical stone body - was busy unlocking the Gate.

  Double shit!

  “Get out of here,” I said to Ed, my voice stronger as my healing finally began to kick in. “They want me.”

  Instead of running like he should have, he turned and took aim with the inadequate weapon again.

  “That won’t work, stupid.”

  “You got a better idea?”

  “He doesn’t, but I do,” a voice called down from the open trapdoor above us. It was Sally, and she wasn’t alone. All right!

  She jumped the distance to the floor, landing nimbly. In her hands she held a sledgehammer that looked massive next to her small frame.

  The first creature reached her and she swung with everything she had, connecting with the side of its head and sending shards of rock flying everywhere. The beast staggered back and she turned to face the second one.

  Figures began to descend the ladder. Judging by the mystical symbols on the robe one of them wore, we were finally bringing some real firepower to this fight. Sally wasn’t trying to win, just keeping the opening clear for the big guns to make it down.

  There wasn’t much I could do yet to help her, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t provide assistance in my own way.

  “Go, She-Thor!” I yelled. What? Cheerleading is a perfectly acceptable backup solution in a fight.

  The mage made it to the bottom of the ladder, steadied himself, and shouted something that sounded like “Magnos Ignise!”

  Sally immediately hit the floor as a wave of red hot energy lanced out from the wizard and struck the two monsters. One was hit head on and immediately fused into the world’s ugliest sculpture. The other monster was somewhat luckier and managed to dodge enough so that only the right side of its body caught the full effect. Even so, it was obviously out of the fight; its legs melted to the floor and half its body cauterized solid.

  Sadly, any victory we might have experienced was short lived as the last of the invaders managed to unlock the gate and swing it wide open.

  One moment, it looked like we were about to win, and in the next, a tidal wave of living stone began rushing toward us.

  What Mother Wants, Mother Gets

  There was no doubt in my mind this was a planned offensive. In the months since I’d been with Pandora Coven, nearly all of our run-ins with the Jahabich had been in small numbers - never more than three at a time - which was good because three of them were difficult enough. No way was this just a random incursion.

  It was hard to tell from where I sat, as all I saw was a wall of granite advancing on our position, but I was pretty sure at least ten more of them swarmed through the gate. It wasn’t quite an army, but I suspected it was more than they needed to get the job done. Whatever happened next, I had a feeling the subbasement was now lost to us.

  The mage managed to flash-fry another of the things before three more got past his defenses and were upon him - clubbing and biting. They shredded him almost instantly. It was a gruesome way to go. Sadly, there wasn’t time for a proper eulogy. Hell, we’d all be next if we didn’t get the fuck out of there fast.

  Sally swung the sledgehammer in a violent arc. She struck one of the monsters full on, knocking its teeth right the fuck out. Goddamn, she was hot.

  Unfortunately, she was about to be flanked too. Screw that shit. No fucking way was that happening on my watch.

  “Get up the ladder,” I growled at Ed as I pushed myself to my feet. Thankfully, my healing had kicked in enough so that I didn’t immediately fall back down on
my ass.

  One of the creatures swung, trying to coldcock Sally in the back. I threw myself at it in a dive tackle, taking it in the midsection with my shoulder.

  It was like running into a brick wall, but thankfully, I had momentum on my side. I shredded more skin in the process, but managed to knock the creature off balance.

  I put a hand on Sally’s shoulder and she immediately spun, still on the attack. Fortunately, I saw it coming and ducked before she could crack my skull like a melon.

  “Let’s go,” I said, trying to avoid letting on how close I was to shitting myself.

  “We have to hold...”

  “We can’t defend like this. Up the ladder, now!” I’d completely disrespected her authority in front of whatever eyeballs happened to be looking down upon us, but I didn’t give a single shit. She could always kick my ass later to save face if she needed to. For now, we had to move.

  Multiple beams of red-hot magical fury rained down from the open trapdoor. Upon seeing their fellow mage fall beneath the rampaging Jahabich, the rest of Sally’s reinforcements had hightailed it back upstairs - smartly so. Once there, they’d thankfully regrouped so as to give us cover fire, quite literally. In the past, I’d had some not-so-great dealings with wizards, but right then, I would have gladly kissed each and every one of them - and we’re talking tongue too.

  “Ed, up first!” I commanded.

  “I’m not...”

  “You’re the squishiest one down here. Get upstairs or I’ll club your ass myself.”