The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Ours?”

  “Hard to tell.”

  Oh, shit. That didn’t sound promising.

  “Put together an exsanguination party,” Sally ordered him. “Bag up any that are still fresh and in relatively one piece.”

  “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” I said. “What are you gonna do, squeeze them like oranges?”

  Sally’s eyes flashed black. “Could you say that maybe a little louder? I don’t think everyone in the fucking city heard you.” She quickly glanced around, but thankfully, most of the remaining humans were either huddled with their friends and loved ones or scurrying about helping with the cleanup effort.

  “Waste not, want not,” Steve said dispassionately.

  “You drowned kittens as a child, didn’t you?”

  “Knock it off,” she said to me. “We don’t have time for this shit. We got hit with our fucking pants down and lost a lot of resources as a result. We’ll do what we need to. Is that clear?”

  I was tempted to click my heels together and throw my right arm up in a Nazi salute, but I refrained. I could tell from the sound of her voice that she was stressed, and a stressed Sally tended to be a dangerous Sally...and not just to her enemies. Instead, I simply nodded.

  “Good. What’s it look like downstairs?”

  I would have loved to lie and claim that the second those monsters took off, I was in hot pursuit - chasing after them until they lost me in the maze of tunnels beneath the city. In truth, it was several minutes before any of us dared venture down into the subbasement, long after the sound of the retreating creatures was lost to even my vampire hearing. When we finally did...let’s just say we were a jumpy bunch.

  It didn’t help that the Jahabich we’d beaten were still standing in place. Though logic dictated they were fused into solid lumps of rock, they still looked like they could come back to life at any moment and wallop us good. Twice while trying to secure the ladder back up, I’d almost dropped it, certain I’d seen movement out of the corner of my eye. She didn’t need to know that part, though. “At least a dozen statues.”

  “Any talkers?” The tone of her voice implied that she knew the answer. In the past, we’d attempted to take some of them as prisoners - cauterizing everything but their gruesome mugs. It had been a complete waste of effort. The things could seemingly off themselves at will, quite literally. One moment you’d be looking into those creepy orange eyes and the next, the lights would go out. You’d be stuck with just an overly ugly lump of rock. Apparently, these creatures weren’t big on the whole name, rank, and serial number spiel.

  The big question was whether they were capable of coming back to life at a later time - like the second you turned your back. Nobody knew the answer to that one, so we’d taken an approach that ensured we’d be better safe than sorry. “Nope,” I replied. “And they won’t be yapping anytime soon, unless someone heads downstairs with a lot of glue.”

  She nodded, a tight grin forming on her face. It wasn’t much, but knowing that we’d taken down some of them offered a small bit of comfort.

  I turned and left so they could continue figuring shit out. I had no doubt Sally would summon me soon to go over her ideas for a rescue mission. In the meantime, I tried to be as patient as possible.

  Believe me, it wasn’t easy by any sense of the imagination. I had to keep reminding myself that the situation was currently out of my hands. If Ed was alive, it was for a purpose. We needed to figure out what that purpose was and how we could twist it to our advantage so as to extract him. If he was dead, well, no amount of running off half-assed into the sewers would change that.

  It was that last part that especially haunted me. Although I tried to busy myself, every second that passed felt like an eternity.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Jesus Christ!”

  “I take it you approve?” Sally asked, a dangerous grin upon her face.

  Maybe an hour had gone by, perhaps two, since I’d left to help the others clean up the mess in the basement. Sadly, it was pretty much a lost cause until we could get an acetylene torch - and someone who knew how to use it - down there. Though they’d left quickly, the Jahabich hadn’t done so stupidly. They’d taken enough time to smash the shit out of the gate on their way out. The heavy metal barrier was now little better than an oversized pile of scrap. We’d need to secure things from up above for now or run the constant risk of another ambush.

  I was just starting to lose myself in the work when Sally had sent for me. She was up on the second floor in what used to be a lounge reserved for private parties, repurposed as another storage room since things had gone to hell. Looking at the spread before me, it was probably the first time I didn’t immediately rue the lack of ongoing lap dances.

  “Where the fuck did you get this stuff?”

  “Some of it is stolen, some bartered, and a few pieces were even provided by Yvonne.”

  “Really?” I arched an eyebrow. From what I’d heard, the West Coast Prefect seemed to have about zero interest in us as of late.

  “She may be a cold hearted bitch, but she knows that James had a hand in me taking over here. Never discount a little name dropping. Besides, my laundry list was fairly reserved, nothing she’ll miss. Oh, you might want to put that down before you kill us both. It’s not a dud.”

  I’d been so wide-eyed at the weaponry before me, a small part of my mind refused to believe they were real. I mean, under normal circumstances, I typically wouldn’t pick up a hand grenade and toss it around like a Nerf football. “Sorry.”

  “No problem,” she said, a mad glitter in her eye. “I feel almost like a kid in a candy store myself.”

  Something about the look on her face set off something primal in me. A mad image rose up in my mind of me tackling her and tearing her clothes off, taking her good and proper among the piles of ordinance.

  O-kay...that was kinda weird.

  “You all right, Bill?” she asked. “For a second there...”

  “What?”

  “Nothing.” She quickly averted her gaze. Was it possible she had seen it in my eyes? Nah, couldn’t be.

  “Uh, yeah. Sorry. Just got distracted for a moment. You do realize I have no idea how to use any of this.”

  “What’s there to know? Pull the pin and throw it before it blows your arm off. Just make sure you mean it.”

  “How so?”

  “Need I remind you you’re going to be deep underground?”

  Oh yeah. Typically, one didn’t want to start blowing shit up when there was hundreds of tons of rock above their heads. “So why...”

  “In case it’s needed.”

  She didn’t say it, but her meaning was clear. We were planning a rescue mission, but I knew Sally. If things went bad, she was the type who would advise fucking everyone over rather than lose.

  And yes, oddly enough, I was turned on by that. Go figure. There was something about guns, the threat of violence, and a hot blonde that combined into the perfect ingredients for a mega-boner.

  “So what’s the plan?” I asked nonchalantly.

  “It’s easy as pie...a small group goes down, just enough people to put up a fight if need be. You track down the monster’s lair, find Ed, and get the fuck out of there as quickly as you can.”

  “Sounds easy on paper.”

  “Doesn’t everything? Oh yeah, one last detail. Assuming it can be done without collapsing the entire city, blow the shit out of wherever these things are coming from and bury them for another thousand years.”

  Ah, there was the gotcha. Well, that was...okay, it was utterly insane.

  You could always forget about Ed. Stay up here and enjoy the lack of competition.

  What the fuck? Was that just some errant crazed thought from my subconscious or was that...?

  No, he was still broken - asleep - as far as I knew. Ever since my imprisonment in Switzerland, that aspect of my powers hadn’t functioned. Was it possib
le he was waking up again?

  Hello, anybody home? Dr. Death, is that you? Is your angry douchebag ass back amongst the unliving again?

  Mental silence greeted me - nothing but my own muddled thoughts. Weird.

  “...Kara will be in charge of making sure the squatters stay safe while...”

  “Huh?” I asked, noticing Sally had continued talking while I zoned out. Man, I really needed to invest in a personal voice recorder one of these days so I could play back all the important shit I ended up missing. Maybe when this was all said and done, I should put my ass on some ADD medication.

  “I don’t want her down there, end of story,” she said, as if I were arguing the point. Perhaps realizing she was once again being overprotective of Tom’s sister, she quickly added, “She isn’t worth shit in a firefight and you know it.”

  “Uh, sure. So how am I supposed to find Ed again?”

  Sally stopped and stared me in the eye, the top of her left brow twitching ever so slightly. “You haven’t been paying attention to a single fucking thing I’ve been saying, have you?”

  “Of course I have,” I replied indignantly. If one was going to bullshit, one might as well go all the way. “I just wanted you to repeat it...for clarity’s sake.”

  “Repeat what I haven’t said yet?”

  Oh. “Well, maybe I missed a few seconds.”

  She glared at me, her eyes saying she’d gladly stuff one of those grenades down my throat if I said another word.

  Finally, she took a deep breath, her lips silently counting to ten. “It’s very simple. You’re going to lead the strike team right to them.”

  Bloody Good Smoothies

  “Oh, well that answers everything. This is sure to be a piece of cake now.”

  “Bill...”

  “No, you’re right, it’s a brilliant plan. Why, I’ll just turn on my magical Freewill rock monster tracking abilities and...”

  “You’re not tracking the Jahabich,” she said patiently. “You’re tracking Ed’s scent.”

  “Sure, why not? That’s so much bet...oof!”

  Her fist shot out like lightning, pegging me right in the kisser. It wasn’t her best shot, but it was more than enough to split my lip.

  She put a hand to her ear. “What’s that? Ah yes, the blessed fucking sound of silence. Now, if you will keep your goddamned mouth shut and actually pay the fuck attention for the next two minutes, maybe I’ll actually get a chance to finish what I was saying.”

  “No need to get testy,” I replied, wiping blood from my mouth. “Continue.”

  Judging by the look on her face, she was seriously contemplating setting off every explosive in the room right then and there. Thankfully, she thought better of that course of action, for she turned and walked to the far end of the room where multiple freezer chests stood. They were hooked directly into the backup generators of the building and run intermittently so as to conserve fuel, but they were most definitely a necessity. Spoiled blood would mean hungry vampires, a bad combo for the tens of thousands of humans still living in this city.

  On top of one stood a blender, which Sally walked over to and plugged in.

  “You making margaritas? Because now probably isn’t the best time to get drunk and fool around. We can save that for the victory celebration.”

  “I’m actually tempted to agree to that.”

  “Really?!”

  “Sure. The odds of us living through this are probably so slim, that’s gotta be a safe bet if ever there was one.”

  Bitch!

  “Watch and learn, oh halfwit subordinate of mine.” She lifted the lid on the freezer next to her, rooted around for a second or two, and pulled out five bags of blood. She extended the claw on her right index finger and used it to slice the top of the first one open. I arched an eyebrow at that, wondering why she was making such ceremony out of taking a quick snack break. Instead, though, she poured some of the contents into the blender cup. She then repeated the act with the remaining blood packs.

  “You really don’t want to mix O positive with AB negative. Leaves a bit of an aftertaste.”

  She grinned, then proceeded to replace the top of the blender and turn it on. The blood mixed together, getting nice and frothy, for about ten seconds before she turned it off and removed the lid. “Come over here and have a sip.”

  “Is the war effort going so badly that you’re stepping down and becoming a bartender?”

  “No. Now, can you just do as I fucking ask before I rip your bottom jaw off and pour this shit down your throat?”

  “You and your pillow talk,” I quipped, walking over.

  She handed the pitcher to me.

  “Care to split it? I’m not that hungry,” I said.

  “I’ll pass.”

  I lifted the container to my lips, but hesitated. “You’re not trying to poison me, are you?”

  She tapped her foot impatiently.

  “Did you spit in this?”

  She raised her hand in a fist and cocked it back.

  “Okay, okay; jeez...” I took a sip. It tasted...much like any other blood, pretty damn good. I was actually kinda digging the extra body whipping it up had added. Blood smoothies. I’d have to remember...”Urk!”

  I almost dropped the pitcher as what felt like a small nuclear explosion went off in my stomach. Heat spread through my body and my muscles tightened. The smells in the room grew bolder, and my ears tingled as I began to pick up conversations happening on the floor beneath us. No wonder she hadn’t wanted a sip.

  “So?” she asked.

  I tilted my head, listening. “I think Brock is hitting on Kara.”

  “Is that so? Well, then he’s definitely a part of this hunting party now. I meant the blood, by the way.”

  “This is vampire blood,” I said.

  “Give the man a cigar.” She held out her hands expectantly and I took the clue, handing her back the pitcher.

  “You’re not going to drink that, right? Because you know what happens when...”

  “I know.” She turned and put it down on top of the freezer again. “I just didn’t want any spilling.”

  “Why?”

  “Because of this.” She spun back toward me, eyes blackened and fangs descended. With no hesitation whatsoever, she lunged, the claws on her fingers extending into wicked talons. I didn’t know why she was doing it, but her target was painfully obvious.

  She meant to tear out my throat.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I sidestepped at the last moment, her claws missing me by bare inches. She spun and threw a backhand, which I managed to parry.

  “What the fuck, you crazy...”

  She wasn’t interested in talking, though. In the time it took for me to open my mouth, her foot was coming up - aimed squarely at the spot where a guy my age formed his happiest memories.

  Shit!

  I brought down an arm to block her and slammed it into her knee. I’d only meant to stop her from crushing my nuts, but the crack of bone told me I’d hit home harder than I was trying to. If I thought that was the end of it, though, I was mistaken.

  Putting all of her weight on her good leg, she came at me again, throwing a right cross. I saw it coming a mile away. I realized the blood had amped me up by a decent amount, empowering me far beyond a vamp of her age and ability. She might as well have been coming at me in slow motion. I caught her by the wrist and spun her around, bringing her arm up behind her in a hammerlock. I brought my other arm around her, pinning her to me lest she try anything else.

  “That’s enough!” I growled. I didn’t want to hurt her, but if she didn’t regain control, I’d have no choice but to clonk some sense into her.

  Almost at once, the fight went out of her and she stopped struggling. In fact, her posture became almost relaxed. Maybe my voice had more authority in it than I realized.

  “That was better than I expected.” Her voice had a tone of admir
ation to it.

  “Huh?”

  “You can let go of me now.”

  “Not until you...”

  “And can you please get your erection out of my ass?”

  Oh, shit. It was only then that I realized I was still sporting wood. Not too surprising, now that I thought of it. Sally’s tight body was pressed up against me and my left arm was around both of her breasts. This was how some pornos started. Even so... “That’s...just a pen in my pocket.”

  “Mighty small pen.”

  “Fuck you,” I said, releasing her. “It’s perfectly average...um, never mind that. What the hell is up with you? Any reason why you chose to go completely psycho?”

  Sally limped over to a chair and eased herself down. Straightening her hurt leg with a wince, she began to massage it. “Didn’t expect you to crack my femur so easily.”

  I’d used the moment to readjust my pants. No point in being obvious about things. I pointed an accusing finger. “That doesn’t answer my question.”

  “The blood.” She nodded her head in the direction of the pitcher.

  “What about it?”

  “What did you think?”

  “It’s vampire blood. I’ve had it before.”

  “You’ve had it like that?”

  “Well, yeah...I’ve had a lot stronger too. What was the donor - eighty, maybe a hundred years old?”

  “Not even close. Oh and it’s donors.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me. That was a mixture of the blood of five coven vampires, all of them youngsters - none more than a few months old.”

  “That can’t be right, I...”

  “Kicked my ass?”

  “Well, yeah.”

  “Thus proving my theory and giving us a shot in hell of actually getting back to the surface alive.”

  “Whoa, hold on a bit.” I put up my hands. “Back up. I’m still not sure what you’re talking about.”

  She sighed, her way of opining that her opinion of me was once more dropping a notch. “We know you can drink vampire blood, right?”

  “Of course. It makes me stronger for a while.”