The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  I stood and spun, quick as lightning, to face the beasts. They advanced upon me, but they might as well have been moving in slow motion as far as I was concerned. I stepped up, grabbed hold of the opposite sides of their heads, and brought my hands back together with everything I had.

  Their noggins collided with a sound not unlike a pile driver hitting asphalt. They shattered, drenching my hands in globs of orange goo as they crumbled against each other. Eww, rock monster brains. At least it didn’t burn my arms off, proving my theory that the glowing goop inside wasn’t lava.

  Now I just had to fight off several dozen more of them, grab my friends, and get the fuck out of Dodge. Piece of cake.

  Oh well, I'd figure out the details later. For now, I opened my mouth to voice my defiance, only to be completely drowned out by something much louder.

  The fuck?

  I turned to see Grulg with his head tilted back and screaming the most god-awful sound I think I'd ever heard. Even with my amped up powers, I was half certain I'd piss myself.

  And that's when all Hell broke loose.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I wasn't sure whether Grulg was congratulating or condemning me with his horrific death cry, but interestingly enough, it turned out to be neither.

  “NO!”

  The cry rose up simultaneously from all the Jahabich gathered. I swear these things were the fucking Fred Flintstone version of the Borg.

  Just as suddenly, all of their heads turned toward the far corner of the cavern. I craned my neck and realized what Grulg had just done. It hadn't been a war cry; it had been a signal.

  The Sasquatch they'd taken out for swimming lessons had broken free from his guards, knocking them to the side with its massive fists. Before Mark could intercept, it raced back behind the marble statue. There came a loud groan, although whether from it being torn loose from its moorings or from the collective Jahabich, I wasn't sure. Mark dove to the side, his survival instincts apparently trumping whatever radio control he was under. As he did, the statue tumbled over into the pool of orange nastiness.

  It didn't take a genius to see this was not cool in our captors’ book, but that was fine with me. I didn't need to watch to know the Sasquatch in question was doomed, but I sure as shit could make use of his sacrifice.

  I stepped over to Miranda and shattered the chains on her wrists. “You ready to dole out some revenge?”

  Confusion reigned on her face for a moment, but a predatory smile quickly replaced it as a red glow slowly emanated from her. “I was born ready.”

  “Good, Sal...” I stopped, though, when I saw that my partner was stepping toward where Grulg towered over his side of the wall.

  “Grulg,” she said. “Are you ready to die?”

  “By she-T’lunta's side, if great beasts so will it,” he growled.

  What the?

  “I offer truce per Humbaba Accord. You accept?”

  “I swear by the First,” she replied.

  Apparently, that was good enough for Grulg because he grabbed two of the distracted Jahabich and threw them like they were made of balsa wood instead of stone.

  I just stared for a moment, my mouth agape, but Sally turned and said, “What? Great minds think alike.”

  “This is what all that 'ready to die' shit was about?”

  “Duh.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

  “We needed to speak in code because the walls quite literally have ears. Besides, we’re probably going to die anyway, so it really wasn’t a lie. Now, do you want to get the fuck out of here or should we sit on our asses and debate this some more?”

  I smiled back at her and simply said, “Chaos is the name of the game,” knowing she’d almost certainly take the hint.

  The two monsters whose heads I crushed had left a gap in the fence that the others, their attention still focused on the bath their beloved statue was taking, hadn’t filled yet. I barreled out between them into the open, with Sally and Miranda following close behind. Grulg and the two Sasquatches with him continued to toss their jailers about. I was about to shout for them to follow us, but then saw their throws were purposeful, aiming Jahabich at Jahabich, knocking holes in the walls of the other pens.

  I had no idea whether most of the creatures in this hell hole were friend or foe - probably the latter, knowing my luck - but I was willing to bet most of them would be more interested in either running for their lives or taking a chunk out of their tormenters than anything else.

  It was a good strategy, so I decided to steal it as I barreled toward Ed’s location. Every couple of steps, I would stop and coldcock a Jahabich from behind. Under normal circumstances, this would’ve done little more than break my fist. It still probably did, but my healing took over almost immediately and my blows had a lot more force behind them.

  The Sasquatch that had knocked over the statue was leading our foes on a merry chase of hit and run. The other prisoners in his group, seeing what awaited them, were quick to revolt as well. Unfortunately for them, the column of rock monsters on the opposite shore began to march forward. Bad for them, good for us, though.

  I almost whooped in joy when I saw they’d momentarily lost all interest in Ed, swarming past him to put down the uprising. It was their mistake to focus on the many while I had eyes for the one.

  When whatever drove them took over, the Jahabich were nearly unbeatable, but with that attention diverted elsewhere, they were slow to respond - kind of like freakishly large ants made of stone.

  By the time some of them had turned and began to notice the cavern proper again, anarchy was running full steam ahead.

  The Boom Boom Room

  I began to understand what Grulg had meant about the last ones left being the strongest. Wherever there had been a singular occupant of a cage, now lay bits of Jahabich - crushed under foot and claw.

  That disgusting flying thing I had seen earlier had taken to the air despite the massive puncture holes in its wings. I ducked as it spewed forth some horrid bile. Good thing too, as the Jahabich that received the brunt of the attack began to immediately dissolve. Nasty.

  I refocused on the prize ahead, and what I saw gave me hope. Ed might’ve been a lot of things, but he wasn’t stupid. The second the horde swarmed forward, he began to make his way to the side nearest us. I threw up a hand and he caught sight of me, waving back. Maybe we had a shot at this after all.

  It was all going better than I could have hoped. Everything was fighting back against their captives and doing pretty well.

  Oh, crap! Make that nearly everyone. The humans we’d spied earlier, being amongst the squishier things here, had mostly formed up into a defensive group - trying to stay out of the way. That would have been smart, except for their proximity to the feral vampires. One of the other former captives, a large creature resembling a mega-sized, multi-legged armadillo, smashed into their wall, sending the rock monsters tumbling away and freeing the crazed vamps.

  I didn’t know the mindset of most of the creatures here, nor did I have any plans to invite them to a sit-down lunch anytime soon, but at least they seemed sane enough to focus their wrath against their tormenters. Not so the starving vamps. With an angry screech, they descended upon the humans and began tearing them limb from limb. Fuck!

  I didn’t know these people from Jack Shit, but I couldn’t just leave them to their fate. I might not have been human anymore, but no matter what I became, I tried to hold on to as much of my humanity as I could - even if it proved to be a massively stupid thing to do.

  I quickly turned my head. There! Miranda had just finished melting a Jahabich who’d gotten too close. Sally was hot on her heels, tearing the creature’s arm off and brandishing it as a makeshift club.

  “Get Ed!” I yelled at them.

  I didn’t wait to see their reaction before I turned and put on a burst of speed. Sometimes, the enemy of my enemy isn’t even close to being my friend.
/>   ♦ ♦ ♦

  I’d been hungry a few times as a vampire, really hungry. Mostly it was a result of grave injury and then coping with the extra energy required to heal. Once, while up in Canada, I had even seriously considered snacking on my friends for a moment or two before realizing what the hell I was doing. I’d thought that had been bad, but now saw it was nothing. The vampires before me couldn’t be called human by any stretch of the imagination. Their skin was tight and pale, their fangs and claws fully extended, and worst of all, there wasn’t a shred of rational thought showing in their black eyes.

  All they cared about was biting and sucking, clawing and drinking. Even when I ran up behind the nearest one and put my fist straight through its back and out the front of its chest, the others barely paid me any heed. The vamp I impaled immediately incinerated around my arm...and let me tell you, that is one fucking weird-ass feeling.

  Sadly, three of the humans were beyond help. Even if they survived, they’d probably turn. As much as I wanted to save them, we couldn’t afford to carry unconscious bodies with us - especially ones that would soon wake up hungry for a meal of blood. Some of the others looked like they were debating still trying to help their fellows. That would have been a mistake.

  “Run!” I extended my own fangs to hopefully drive the point home but didn’t stop to see if they’d listen. I couldn’t leave the vamps to their own devices - they’d just pursue the runners the second they were done with their current meal.

  Fuck it all. I lowered my head and bull-rushed the lot. The tightly packed foursome fought over the pile of twitching flesh at their feet, so it didn’t require a ton of strategy to hold out my arms and slam them all backwards.

  My timing, amazingly enough, was perfect. A group of Jahabich had finally pried themselves away from the spectacle at the lakeside and were approaching us. I slammed the vamps into their line, letting their razor sharp skin do most of the job for me.

  It worked. Mindlessly enraged and in pain, the remaining vamps turned on the Jahabich and began attacking.

  Oh yeah! Some days, I’m almost as awesome as people say I think I...oof!

  While I was busy gawking, I caught a club to the side of my noggin, nearly scrambling my head like an egg. Had I not been hopped up on a meager amount of super blood, it would have surely been lights out for me...at least, until they carried my ashes to that pool and I woke up with a pair of road flares for eyeballs.

  I rolled to my back to size up my attacker and saw one of the Jahabich standing over me, its arms raised to smash me to paste.

  Or at least, they were until the massive Sasquatch rising above it ripped them out of their sockets.

  “Thanks, Grulg,” I muttered weakly - hoping against hope that the truce still held. The whole “I only saved you so I could kill you myself” cliché was overplayed anyway.

  Before he could disappoint me with a negative answer, Sally appeared by his side. I was glad as hell to see her, and not just because the view up her shirt from this angle was spectacular.

  She reached down, grabbed a hold of my body armor, and hauled me to my feet. “Let’s go!” She gave me a forceful shove away from the fighting.

  “But Ed...”

  “Miranda and Drulk have him.”

  “Drulk?”

  “One of Grulg’s men. Now move!”

  She didn’t need to tell me twice.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  By the time we reached one of the side tunnels leading away from Alcatraz’s diabolical cousin, our tormentors had finished off the prisoners rioting near the orange goo. I risked a glance back to see them tossing the last of the dead bodies into the vile liquid, which immediately started bubbling.

  All at once, I understood. The Jahabich used whatever unholy powers the orange diarrhea held to replenish their ranks. We’d been fighting a pointless fight, thinking we were winning, but it had just been a war of attrition - them renewing their ranks from the remains of whatever of our forces they managed to pick off. Fuck me. “We need to end this.”

  “If by ‘end this,’” Sally said from my side, “you mean ‘get the fuck out of here as fast as we can,’ then I concur.”

  “No. They’re going to keep coming. You don’t...”

  Sally grabbed my shirt and dragged me to a halt. Without any warning, she backhanded me across the face. Amped as I was, it didn’t hurt much, but she still drew blood. “Get your fucking head on straight, Bill.”

  Once more, I could have sworn Dr. Death stirred from within. A small part of me, a dark presence in the back of my head, wanted to haul off and clock her - knock her fucking head right off.

  No!

  Go back to sleep, asshole. You’re just having a wet dream.

  I took a deep breath and shook my head. We were both right. These monsters needed to be stopped, their source of power destroyed, but Sally had a really good point - we couldn’t do that and have any hope of surviving.

  The horde of Jahabich were now fully engaged against the rioting prisoners, and the tide was quickly turning. As much as I didn’t want to, I decided to heed Sally’s wisdom. We’d need to fight this battle another day...preferably one in which we had the full forces of the Draculas behind us and maybe a couple of tactical nukes at our disposal. Never let it be said I didn’t have a fertile imagination.

  “Are we good?” Sally asked, staring me down.

  “You know, I have some other parts that might be more fun to smack.”

  With a growl of annoyance, she turned and took off down the tunnel. I smiled at her rapidly retreating backside and raced to join her.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The trip back to the cavern with the cave paintings was shorter than I remembered. Amazing how things seem so different when you’re running for your life as opposed to being force-marched to a prison camp.

  I wasn’t sure if it was my amped-up hearing, the echo of the caves, or if it was just that fucking loud, but sounds of battle poured out behind us. Shrieks, crashes, roars of anger - all of it pointed to one hell of a fight going on. But I had no delusions as to who would win. The Jahabich had their self-replenishing numbers to back them up, not to mention some kind of hive mind that could direct them all as one. Some of the entities back there were both angry and pretty badass, but the odds were heavily stacked against them.

  “What took you so long?” Ed asked, panting next to Sally.

  “I was gonna leave your ass, but I really didn’t want to have to mail Tom your part of the rent check too every month. Sally pays me like shit as it is.”

  “Ass,” he replied, clapping me on the shoulder.

  “Enough talk,” Grulg said, towering over us. When something that big said to shut up, you shut the fuck up with extreme prejudice.

  He was right, though. We weren’t even close to safe yet, and I could have sworn the commotion behind us sounded closer.

  I took quick stock of our group. Sally and Miranda were all that remained of my expedition. Grulg and one of his brutes, Drulk presumably, made it out too. Along with Ed, I was pleased to see that three humans - two women and a middle-aged man - had possessed enough sense to join our fleeing group.

  Grulg likewise surveyed us. He opened his mouth and spit out a disgusting wad of phlegm - enough to make me back up a step to avoid the splash. Eww. “You fight well, T’luntas. Truce now over.”

  Oh, crap. “Wait, I...”

  Right then, my vision doubled, and I went down to one knee. Fuck, not now! My strength was quickly ebbing, and even worse, my stomach was turning - probably a result of swallowing more sewer grime than dried blood.

  Either way, if Grulg decided to settle shit between vamp and Sasquatch right this moment, I didn’t like our chances one bit. I was forced to remember our alliance with the Magi was only in regards to keeping the Jahabich in check. They were still neutral when it came to the Humbaba Accord. Miranda would be perfectly in the right to stand back and let him twist our heads off like
beer caps.

  “Grulg wish you well. Perhaps one day Grulg will have honor to crush you on battlefield.”

  Huh? The other Bigfoot didn’t seem too pleased to hear that, but he got a massive hand upside the head before he could so much as bare his teeth.

  I’d almost forgotten that during our time up in Canada, Grulg had been the one Squatch with a sense of honor about him. Thank goodness for small favors. Had we been trapped down here with Turd, I had little doubt he’d be having himself a good ole time right about now rearranging our limbs like we were Mr. Potato Head dolls.

  With that, Grulg turned and headed away from us - aiming for one of the other tunnels out of this cave - presumably one that would lead him up and away from here.

  “Good luck!” Sally called after him.

  “Think they’ll be okay?” Ed asked.

  “As long as they make it to the surface.”

  “Think we should have followed them?”

  “Nope.” She turned and offered me a hand. “The truce was over. Walking outside with them would have ended badly.”

  I gladly accepted her help, managing to stand up straight despite feeling like I was about to puke my guts out. I took a deep breath and looked around. “Where?”

  “What?”

  I quickly scanned the cavern walls, trying to make sense of where we’d come out. Finally, I saw some of those glowing rocks in the shape of a robe...the wall painting. That meant...

  “Over there!” I pointed toward an area of the floor a ways off.

  An echoing roar sounded behind us - more fear than rage. I turned to see the greasy flying thing from earlier, the one with the really bad acid reflux, come tearing out of the cave we’d run from.

  It didn’t stop to give our group a second glance. It landed awkwardly and raced into another of the caves leading out of here.

  “Uh oh,” Miranda said, but she needn’t have bothered. Even with my rapidly diminishing powers, I could see an orange glow beginning to shine from the direction the prison lay.

  Without a word, I turned and ran, hoping I was right.