The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Even so, a memory stirred within me. Some of these scents were vaguely familiar, but it was the wide variety that really triggered my neurons. The last time I’d sensed such a diverse array of beings had been up in Canada, during the failed peace conference in the Sasquatch-infested forest known as the Woods of Mourning.

  “Holy shit,” I muttered, stopping in my tracks.

  So caught up was I in the thought that I barely felt the guard’s fist connect with my midsection - barely.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I couldn’t understand where all these smells had originated from. They seemed recent, but as far as I could tell, this place was barren as a tomb. As if to accentuate the silence, I once more made note of how loud all of our footsteps sounded as we walked.

  Eventually, the hallway ended in front of us at another armored door. After a few moments, it was opened from the other side and we marched in to...whoa.

  This room was massive, reminiscent of the caverns down in Jahabich central - except a fuckload more high tech. Inside were many more vampire soldiers dressed in combat armor of a seemingly better grade than even Sally had been able to procure. However, the sight of them wasn’t what caused my breath to catch.

  I gaped at what stood opposite us on the far end, a massive portal sealed with what looked like the mother of all bank vaults. Jesus Christ, what did they keep on the other side, solid gold dinosaurs?

  Ed, apparently forgetting for a moment we were in the middle of a group of slap-happy vamps, asked, “Is it too much to hope we’re in Fort Knox and that this whole thing is a ruse so they can scream, 'Congratulations, take whatever you can carry?'“

  I waited for a moment, but no beat-down came, although from the look on the commander’s face, he definitely wanted to. Must have been the presence of others in the room. Maybe his penchant for smacking us around had only been at Colin’s urging.

  Apparently sensing this too, Sally said, “It’s not a vault.”

  “No?”

  “It’s a blast door. If I’m not mistaken, this is some sort of bunker - a big one, by the looks of it.”

  So much for dreams of running off with an armload of gold bars. If she was right, this place was built for one purpose - to withstand an attack.

  The only question now was...against what?

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The massive portal was opened in front of us, giving a true sense of how thick it was. Damn, I could have probably sucked down every single member of the Draculas and still not been able to put a dent in that fucking thing.

  It wasn’t the only surprise this place held, either.

  An antechamber of sorts - maybe a security checkpoint - awaited us, capped off by yet another massive blast door on the far end. We’re talking uber-paranoia here. I’m pretty sure one could have ridden out Judgment Day, a zombie apocalypse, and the rise of an army of talking apes without batting an eye in there.

  I was beginning to wonder whether this was gonna be one big joke...each door leading to another until we were back outside, but then they opened the second door for us and I realized we weren’t destined to get that lucky.

  I’d been wondering about the myriad scents that had filled the halls, considering maybe I’d missed one hell of a party. I saw now, though, that wasn’t the case. Scents, sounds, and other emanations poured forth from within - nearly overwhelming in their breadth.

  “Smells like a zoo,” Ed commented, “if it was located in the fucking Twilight Zone.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  I remembered back to the Woods of Mourning. There had been a similar reveal back then, stepping through a magical force field of sorts that kept all the crazy contained within. The vampire nation apparently had similar thoughts, but dealt with them in a more pragmatic way - more than making up for the lack of magic with enough concrete to avoid detection from anything unwise enough to try spying on them.

  That image was further reinforced as we were marched in. Almost immediately, the talking, cackling, hissing, and other vocalizations stopped as Sally, Ed, and I breached the inner chamber. Talk about déjà vu. Though the accoutrements couldn’t have been more different - high end chairs, massive monitors lining the walls, a dome ceiling rising far above, and guards armed with some nasty looking firepower - the rest of the layout remained eerily similar. All of that and more rose above and around us in a stadium - or arena - layout.

  The area before us looked as if it might have once been intended for a speaker to address the crowd, but now it was cleared - minus the multitude of armed guards.

  As I walked forward, a small wave of air pressed against my back. I glanced over my shoulder and saw the blast door being shut behind us. It moved nearly silently, apparently kept in very good care - making only a hollow thunk sound as the locks were engaged. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that was one escape route that would take a damn miracle to traverse.

  I scanned the quieted crowd, all eyes - and other things - staring at us as we marched forward. I still had no names for many of them, but I could see several familiar creatures - if not the same, then related - I’d seen up in Canada. There were also several new monstrosities present including...

  “Oh fuck!”

  The oath sounded far too loud in the near silence. Always a wonderful thing to draw the crowd’s attention when I least wanted to. I couldn’t help it, though. Off to the far right, surrounded by far meaner and less human-looking versions of the zombies I was familiar with, stood a massive reptilian horror. It was like someone cloned a dinosaur and then decided to keep fucking with the DNA, throwing random parts into a blender just to see what came out the other end. It was Druaga, god of the dead.

  That in of itself should have been enough to send me screaming out of the room. That I’d sorta fucked him over, no doubt pissing him off massively in the process, when I’d escaped from Switzerland was just icing on the bloody cake of entrails that I’d probably soon top.

  “You got that right,” Sally whispered.

  I turned to her questioningly. As far as I was aware, she wasn’t associated with any death gods. Of course, as far as I’d known, she hadn’t dated any rock monsters either and that had been proven pretty damn wrong. Before I could ask whether he was another old squeeze, though, I saw her gaze was directed elsewhere.

  I followed it and immediately wished I hadn’t.

  At the far end of the massive room, a section was set aside. Rather than the general seating the rest of the guests used, chairs of pure black onyx - more like thrones - were lined up in a row. I didn’t need to count them, but I did just to make myself feel even worse. As I suspected, there were thirteen in all.

  Upon them sat figures that looked human, but I knew weren’t. I didn’t recognize the majority of them, but some of the faces were more than familiar. Of them, only James brought any feeling other than dread and that was easily overwhelmed by who sat in the very middle: Alexander the Great.

  The Draculas - more properly known as the First Coven - the thirteen most powerful vampires on the planet were present, and their eyes were all focused directly on us.

  Bring Out Your Dead

  “Are those...”

  “Yep,” I replied to Ed’s unfinished question.

  “Are we...”

  “Fucked beyond all possible measure of the fuckery scale? I’d say so.”

  The crowd began to murmur amongst itself, no doubt commenting on our obvious discomfort. I couldn’t bring myself to turn my head away from the Draculas, but I picked up bits and pieces of it anyway thanks to my superb vampire hearing.

  “See how guilty they look?”

  “Betrayers.”

  “Five bars of gold says they kill the abomination first.”

  “They should strip the blonde one. She is one fine slice of gorvu.”

  I was tempted to scan the crowd for the owner of that last one. There’s always gotta be at least one perv among the bunch. Asshole. That was my
job.

  Before I could turn my head away, though, Alex’s mismatched eyes met mine. I expected to find fury radiating from them, enough to scorch me where I stood. Instead, he grinned and inclined his head ever so slightly. That motherfucker was one seriously weird dude.

  I tore my gaze away and looked over the rest of the bunch. Each of them was dressed in regal finery, obviously befitting their station, but wearing fashions and colors which I assumed to be of their own respective preference. To Alex’s immediate left and right sat Theodora and Yehoshua, respectively. I recognized them, and not just because Thea was probably the hottie the wicked stepmother in every fairytale was modeled after.

  They’d been the ones who ultimately had let me go back in Europe, confiding in me that they weren’t all that pleased with either Alexander’s rule or his plans for decimating the world. Yehoshua wore a neutral expression. He might as well have been sitting down to watch a particularly dull game of golf. Theodora was far less collected. The look on her face was one of utter loathing. At first, I thought it might have been toward the crowd in general, but every so often, her eyes would flicker in Alex’s direction.

  With the exception of James, the rest of the Dracs were all new to me. I counted three other women amongst their number and six men, all of various lineages. Interestingly enough, none of them seemed to fit any stereotypes of what I might have imagined a vampire ruling counsel to be. There were no obvious Mayan high priests, Spanish conquistadors, or Roman consuls sitting there, looking like they’d stepped out of a time warp. Hell, most of them looked like you could pass them on the street without giving a second glance.

  I wasn’t fooled, however. Each and every one of them possessed several times the power needed to pulverize a vampire newb like me into a puddle of Bill-flavored goo.

  For all I knew, the only one who lacked the inclination to do so was James and he was...what the fuck?

  He sat at the last chair to Alex’s right, dressed as regally as the others, but there was something very much off about him. Normally, James was bright-eyed and very full of life for a man who was over six hundred years in age. It wasn’t unusual to find a wry grin upon his face. Not so today. The best I could say was he looked haunted. Sadly, I couldn’t glean any further insight as he refused to look my way.

  “What happened to his arm?” Sally whispered under her breath. She was just barely audible to me, but I didn’t fool myself into believing that some of the others present hadn’t picked it up too.

  Regardless, I had no answer for her. His left hand rested upon his knee, but the right sleeve of his suit jacket was pinned to his side. It was the same arm he’d lost in battle to Vehron. That made no sense, though. It had already started growing back when last we’d seen him. It should have been fully regrown by the time he’d reached whatever destination Colin had spirited him off to after the fight.

  Whatever was going on, it wasn’t good. James was typically our lifeline; a guy strong, smart, and influential enough to pull our asses out of whatever shithole we’d gotten ourselves stuck in. Things seemed to be different now. For all of his rank, he had the look of low man on the totem pole with this bunch. What the fuck had happened since he’d left us?

  Sadly, I got the feeling we wouldn’t get an answer to that anytime soon. One of the vampires guarding the inner circle in which we stood turned and stepped toward the Draculas. Judging from the way he carried himself and the crispness of his dress, it wasn’t hard to guess he had some position of authority here - maybe a vampire general or something.

  Words were exchanged, but thanks to the continued yammering of the crowd, they were lost upon me. The only thing I got out of it was the guard asking what sounded like a question.

  Alex gave a single shake of his head, then inclined his gaze toward another door leading out. Who knows? Maybe he was having second thoughts and was gonna let us go.

  Never let it be said I’m not an optimist at heart.

  The vampire who’d approached Alex quickly turned and gestured toward some of the minions near that exit. He made a single “come forth” gesture with his hands before returning to his station.

  Oh, fuck. I really hoped they didn’t have a trial by combat in mind because I knew my luck. Whatever came through that door to kick my ass would probably be big, ugly, and mean enough to...

  To be my other roommate?

  “Tom?” Ed asked, giving rise to my question.

  Sure enough, two vampire guards entered. Between them stood my oldest friend. For his part, he looked unharmed, if a bit bewildered. He turned toward one of the vamps leading him in and said something. I didn’t catch it, but judging by the look on the vamp’s face, it was a typical bit of Tom’s stupidity. The vampire grabbed his shirt by the shoulder and shoved him forward.

  My friend stumbled and went down to his knees. He looked up, saw us, and quickly got back to his feet. I was a little irked to see he wasn’t shackled like the rest of us, but then realized it wasn’t a surprise. Tom didn’t appear to be wearing his magical amulet, the one that channeled the insane faith he felt for the toys he collected - especially a vintage Optimus Prime figure he’d once gotten cheap at a flea market. Without it, he wasn’t much threat to anyone, outside of talking their ear off.

  “Hey, Bill,” he said casually. “What’s up, Ed? Looking good, Sal...”

  “Oh, shut up,” she replied with an eye roll.

  “I see they got you guys too,” he continued, unperturbed.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “I’m fine. They offered me a deal - don’t try to escape and I wouldn’t get my face torn off. Seemed pretty fair to me.”

  I sighed in relief. Tom could be an idiot when he wanted to be, but he’d been exposed to enough of the supernatural world to know when it was best to fight and when it was best just to do as told.

  “What’d you tell the Gestapo over there?” Ed asked.

  “Oh, just that Bill was gonna fuck his mother’s corpse when this was all done.”

  “Thanks,” I replied through gritted teeth, glancing over and noticing the sour look the guard threw my way. One could always count on Tom to make the situation better.

  Although I was glad to see my friend, even under the current circumstances, I found myself curious as to why he was here. Of the four of us, his run-ins with the paranormal world had been the least severe, at least with regards to being on the Draculas’ radar. I mean, the only time he’d really been exposed to it outside of New York had been...

  Oh shit. Tom, Sally, and Ed all had one very important thing in common: they’d been my advisors up in Canada when it had all gone to hell. Was that what this was about? Some sort of after-the-fact reckoning? A way for Alex to place blame for the war he’d manipulated us into starting? Was it going so badly he felt the need to finger us as scapegoats?

  If so, that wasn’t good. I had a feeling that pointing fingers back his way was a good way to get them cut off permanently. Likewise, this didn’t look like the type of bunch who would accept a plea of stupidity as way of excuse.

  We were alone, without many allies, and escape was only possible if we somehow learned to teleport...

  Christy! I remembered what Ed had told me, how her new coven had taken up residence in our building back in Brooklyn. Shortly after his arrival in Pandora, we’d called them up to let them know he was safe and sound. They’d immediately stood down on any scrying incantations they’d been working on to find him. But if Tom was now on the missing list too, then that would be an entirely different story. There was no way Christy would let someone take him without magically looking under every single rock on the planet. With any luck, she was even now homing in on...

  “Bring her in.”

  What?

  Though the voice giving the command wasn’t overly loud, one could hear the authority practically dripping out of it. Alexander spoke as one who was born to be king and knew it. It was a far cry from the practically mewlin
g orders of middle management at my old job, where they pretty much could only hope you did as you were told. Alex’s tone indicated he knew there was no doubt his orders would be carried out.

  And they were. The guards at the perimeter practically tripped over themselves running for yet another egress off on the other side. I couldn’t help but notice this door was considerably better armored than the one Tom had been brought through. It looked like they’d been holding him in a sitting chamber or side office. No real surprise there. What was he going to do other than mouth off to them?

  The prisoner they brought in next, though, was considerably more lethal when she wanted to be.

  Under different circumstances, I would have been happy to see her. Now, her hands were manacled in front of her with chains similar to those Mark had used on Miranda, if considerably newer looking. Happy was definitely not one of the emotions I felt at the sight of her entrance.

  All hope seemed to slip from between our fingers as Christy was marched in to join us.

  What the fuck was going on?

  Wizard Duel

  Christy was...a wee bit larger than when last I’d seen her. Part of it was no doubt her being about six months pregnant. The rest, well, let’s just say I got a clear mental image of cravings for ice cream at three AM, followed by Tom’s ass running out to grab a gallon of mint chocolate chip.

  The smirk that arose on my face was only on the surface, though. Inwardly, my hopes had been dashed against the blast door we’d marched in through. In this chamber were the people I considered the bulk of my allies - the vast majority of them standing in the same rapidly deepening pool of shit as me. I got the distinct feeling no last-minute save was in the cards this time.

  The only question was why?

  Upon seeing Tom, Christy bolted toward us. The guards tensed as she did so and, for a moment, I was afraid of what they’d do. Thankfully, they held off on any action. Either they were under orders not to harm her or it was painfully obvious we were in no position to cause much chaos.