The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Even with James’s power backing me up, I wasn’t quite sure I could have moved as fast. Within moments, the glowing orange malevolence was gone, replaced by a set of bright green eyes that sparkled with their own nefarious intent.

  “Thanks, Gan.”

  She smiled broadly, her slightly mussed hair the only sign she’d just kicked the ass of a bunch of rock monsters. Otherwise, she could have just walked home from school, the playground, or the various torture dungeons I had little doubt she kept. Her dress was regal, sparkling jade in color with gold highlights throughout it. The only oddity...well, visible oddity...were the smiling pair of SpongeBob faces that dangled from her ears. Oh god, what a weirdo.

  She reached a hand down to help me up. “Is this not romantic, beloved - us fighting to the death against insurmountable odds?”

  “Oh yeah, sure as shit beats dinner and a movie.”

  “Should we survive, I accept your invitation.”

  “Wait, that wasn’t an...whoa!”

  Before I could finish, Gan had grabbed me by the sleeve and dragged me once more into the fray. Though lacking my strength, she more than made up for it with speed and the precision of her blows. Judging by the look on her face, she considered this to be a grand ole time hanging with her beloved. Me, I wouldn’t have minded being smashed in the head real good at that moment.

  Alas, that didn’t seem to be in the cards, so I followed along, punching the shit out of any Jahabich Gan happened to miss. Sloppy seconds, go figure.

  The exertion was starting to cost me, though. Running on empty as I was, I could sense the boost from James’s blood wouldn’t last as long as it might otherwise. Already my steps slowed and my hands started to hurt whenever I’d smash one of those fucking monster’s teeth out.

  We reached a line of vampire guards and did what we could to bolster them, but it was like trying to fight off a living avalanche. The Jahabich appeared single-minded in their assault, not looking particularly worried when any of their number fell to our counterattacks.

  I was just starting to breathe hard when a vamp, one of Sheila’s former guards, bought it next to me. I caught a mouthful of dust when he exploded and found myself bent over, trying to cough him out of me. Just for the record, powdered vamp doesn’t taste nearly as good as fresh.

  Looking down, I saw he’d dropped his weapon - one of those black-bladed thingees. Fuck it, maybe I could put this one to good use. My D&D characters were normally swordsmen or magic users. I was never much of a pole-arm fighter, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t start to appreciate them.

  Up close, I could see the blade wasn’t naturally that color. Flecks of the normal sheen of steel shone through here and there. It was some kind of coating. I examined it closer, catching a familiar coppery scent as I did so. What the? The weapon seemed to be coated in blood of some kind.

  Sadly, that was all the examination I could make. One of our enemies rushed me and I brought the weapon to bear, looking to spear the fucker like a mackerel. Spinning it toward him, and proud I didn’t decapitate myself in the process, I thrust forward as it opened its ugly mouth in a wide grin.

  “No, Dr. Death, I would not...”

  Much to both my surprise and dismay, the blade shattered like glass against the Jahabich’s obsidian smile. Since hammering a hunk of living rock with a stick seemed to be equally pointless, I quickly dropped the shaft so as to defend myself, but I was a little too late. I brought my right arm up in time to do nothing more than give it something to chomp down on.

  Holy fuck! Being bitten by another vampire was bad enough, but nothing like the jagged daggers now impaling my arm from both ends. The pain felt unbearable and I was fairly sure that if I didn’t shake it off soon, I’d get to experience the joyful sensation of waiting for one of my limbs to grow back. Our attackers wouldn’t likely be quite so accommodating as to let me do that.

  Trying my best to ignore the pain, I lashed out with my free arm - smashing my fist into the creature’s face. Chips of granite went flying, but not nearly as much as should have. In the meantime, blood continued to pour out of my punctured arm in rivers as I rapidly ran out of steam.

  Worse, that fuzziness in my head started to come back. Crap! The last thing in the world I needed right then was to pass out. If I did, the next time I woke up - if at all - I’d look like something dug out of a coal mine.

  Thank goodness for Gan - and believe me, I hoped that was the last time I had to consider that concept - but she stepped to my side and launched a kick straight up. It hit the creature’s upper jaw, forcing its head back and its mouth open. She yanked me backward before I could react, more or less tearing my arm off of its teeth.

  And, oh yes, it hurt even worse than the thing’s initial bite.

  Reduced as I was to a sniveling ball of pain, I was only vaguely aware of Gan dispatching the monster and then dragging me along as she cleared a path to a corner of the room. As for me, my arm was healing at a much slower rate than I’d have preferred, telling me that James’s power was all but gone and that soon I’d be coming down hard.

  Almost as if in answer to that, my stomach grumbled, demanding to be refueled. I had to shake my head to keep focus, watching the blood continue to trail out behind us.

  We reached a group that had formed a defensive perimeter near one wall. Vampires, along with a group of armed humans and some slimy reptilian-looking things that appeared to maybe be related to Druaga - on the lower end of whatever gene pool he spawned from - were working together to try to fend off their attackers. Gan bashed a few rock heads together, helping to lighten their load, and they parted to allow us in.

  My head was swimming by the time she leaned me against a wall next to some of the other wounded. I didn’t see any other vamps - not too surprising - but there were other species present, including a grey-haired human in uniform who sat holding his injured leg.

  The man turned to me, a look of fear upon his face. “Damn these things. This place was supposed to be secure. Heads are gonna roll when I...”

  If he said anything else of importance, it was lost to me. As I leaned over to listen to him complain, I found myself continuing forward with the action - sniffing the air and finding an intriguing scent upon it.

  I believe the old soldier asked a question, something urgent in nature, but then his tone became high pitched until it eventually dissolved into a pained gurgle as I sank my teeth into his throat.

  General Tso Tastes like Chicken

  For a time, the world seemed to recede. Only delicious, juicy redness remained. It was kinda nice.

  All good things must come to an end, though, and, eventually, my surroundings started to register upon my senses again. I didn’t feel particularly great. My arm still hurt like nobody’s business, but I felt better.

  As I shook my head, like waking up after a long nap, I became aware of shouting around me - threats perhaps, but they were silenced following what sounded like twigs being snapped. I opened my eyes, blinked, and found a familiar face staring down at me. “Theodora?”

  “Freewill,” she replied, sounding annoyed. She was a bit disheveled. Her dress was torn and covered in slime that I suspected was originally orange in color.

  Oh crap.

  “The Jahabich!”

  “Yes,” she spat. “We are still dealing with them. Now, if you are quite finished making a scene, we should get back to driving the invaders off.”

  “Scene?”

  “Yes. I dare say, feeding upon one of this country’s Joint Chiefs of Staff has rendered it necessary to kill his bodyguards before they could shoot you - further depleting our already strained resources, I might add.”

  “Wait, I killed someone?”

  “I do not think he is quite dead yet, but...”

  I followed her gaze to the torn uniform, the General’s stars scattered about it, and the unblinking eyes staring up from the pale skin of his face. “Oh my God!”

 
“Fret not, child, the humans were not overly effective to begin with. Their weapons were mostly useless against our foe.”

  She was completely missing the point - what a surprise. While I’d bitten people before, it had never been out of mindless hunger. Well, okay, I was pretty sure I’d killed a bunch of folks when I’d been vamped out as Dr. Death, but I was sort of out of my mind during those times - not that it made it right. Now, however, I’d crossed a line. I’d gotten hungry and hadn’t even considered the consequences. Hell, what if that had been Tom?

  Of course, if it had been Tom, that would have been horrible. He was my best friend and I would have never forgiven myself. On the flip side, if that were the case, I also wouldn’t shortly be appearing on every Secret Service Agent’s most wanted list. Just what I needed, a federal manhunt to add to all the other shit in my life.

  I shook my head. No, that was being a selfish dick. What if this guy had a family, kids? I needed to get my head out of my ass and stop thinking about only myself.

  “Are you quite done yet? Because if not, then I shall happily drag you along in a manner most uncomfortable.”

  Okay, maybe I could save the tortured soliloquys for later. Theodora wasn’t a chick to mess with, and she didn’t seem like a particularly happy camper at that moment.

  “Relax, we’re both on the same side,” I said, pulling my eyes away from my victim and forcing myself to stand. I wasn’t powered up anymore, but I was happy to find myself at my normal levels with no debilitating hunger pangs. Considering how the day was going, I’d happily take breaking even.

  “Are we? I am no longer certain of anything,” she snapped, her eyes flashing black. “Know, though, if you are still true to your mission, you had best have a good reason for causing me such public humiliation.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes. I assume all of this has been part of your scheme to bring down Al...” she hesitated for a moment, probably to avoid using Alex’s name in a room full of beings with preternatural hearing. “Our mutual foe. Are you telling me it has not?”

  Oh shit. “Um, nope. Everything is going smoothly. Just like clockwork. Could set your watch to it.”

  “Good, then I hope you have a suitable conclusion in mind to satisfy that requirement before this farce goes on for much longer. Perhaps the Icon...”

  “Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise,” I lied, looking about and immediately wishing I hadn’t.

  The remaining combatants on our side had formed themselves into tightly knit units to fight off the Jahabich. As for our enemies, there was one bright spot: so many had been killed that their bodies were forming unnatural barriers for the rest. This caused their attacks to lose focus, allowing the various beings that still stood against them to hold their own. Even so, it was obviously a bloodbath. Piles of ash littered the floor. Blood of multiple different hues coated every other surface. Bodies lay...actually, there weren’t many bodies at all. That wasn’t good. It meant the Jahabich were harvesting.

  Oh well, there wasn’t much that could be done about that. We needed to worry about surviving and finding a way to drive them back.

  Speaking of surviving. “Yeah!” I shouted triumphantly, spotting Sally amongst one of the groups of combatants. She was pretty battered and, once more, her clothing was ripped in ways that showed far more skin than she probably wanted to.

  Sadly, she wasn’t in the best of company. I saw her fighting with Alexander and Yehoshua nearby. Their strength was keeping the enemy at bay, but I couldn’t exactly say I entrusted her life to them. At least she didn’t look to be in immediate danger. Even with her memories wiped, I still had faith in her as a survivor.

  That was one. Now where was...there! Sheila likewise stood her ground across the way from us. The Jahabich didn’t seem as bothered by her faith aura as some other beings were, but whatever properties her powers had, one of them seemed to be bolstering her sword enough to slice and dice those creatures a good one. Sadly, she fought alone...no vampires wishing to dirty themselves by allying with her. Assholes.

  That was about to change, though. Weapons lay strewn about from the fallen. I was tempted to grab another blade, but then remembered how useless they were against these monsters. It was weird how brittle it had been. Oh well, there were plenty of silver stakes lying around, as well as a severed Jahabich arm nearby. Not a bad combo, all in all.

  “This way.” I started forward, using the piles of dead or cauterized Jahabich as cover. No point in dying before I could be my lady’s knight in not-so-shining armor. Sadly, stealth worked a lot better when you didn’t have an ancient Elvira-wannabe jiggling alongside you. Of course, if I were her age and respective rank, I might be a bit less subtle, too.

  As I played ninja, Theodora strode through the battlefield like it was a mall trip. A few of the monsters saw her and apparently thought she’d make for an easy mark. A couple of seconds later, I was dusting rock chips off of myself.

  “You know, this would be a lot easier if you wouldn’t mind sharing...”

  She turned and fixed me with a glare. “If you even suggest putting your fangs upon my person, I shall rip them from your mouth in...”

  “A manner most unpleasant?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

  We reached Sheila’s location not a moment too soon, as just then, the Jahabich surged forward again in force.

  She swung her sword, still crackling with white fire, and two of the monsters were cleaved clean in half. The orange spooge that seemed to make up their lifeblood sprayed out in an arc. I tackled a third that was about to flank her. It was like ramming my shoulder into a concrete piling, but I managed to knock it down long enough to ram a silver stake into its eye-socket. Using both hands, I shoved the weapon in as deep as I could, the metal grating against stone, making a sound like nails on a chalkboard. Thankfully, it was enough. After a few moments, the creature stopped squirming.

  I looked up to find Theodora had likewise joined the battle, quite literally cracking skulls.

  A hand appeared in my periphery. It was Sheila, the glow around her dying down to levels where I wouldn’t immediately regret it. Oh, who was I kidding? I would have taken her hand even if it was covered in wasps.

  “Thanks,” she said, helping me up.

  “Looked like you could use a hand.”

  “I’m doing okay, but yeah. Glad to have it.”

  “If either of you think I am doing this alone so as to allow you some quality time, you are sadly mistaken,” Theodora growled over her shoulder. “Fight with me so we might dispatch these creatures or...” She let the threat hang in the air.

  “Yep,” I replied, rolling my eyes at her backside. “Wouldn’t want to hold up our sentencing any longer than we have to.”

  A lopsided grin appeared on Sheila’s face as once more she hefted her sword. “I’d certainly hate to inconvenience anyone.” She stepped forward and struck a glancing blow against one of the monsters, her sword sending up sparks as it rebounded off of the creature’s arm.

  Theodora stopped her onslaught just long enough to turn and glare. “Make no mistake, Icon, I am not your friend. However, the Freewill has assured me that you will be instrumental in helping our common cause. For that reason alone, I tolerate your continued survival.”

  “Common cause?”

  “It’s...complicated,” I said, still having no fucking clue as to what I was doing past surviving this bloodbath.

  Thankfully, in a cosmic sort of way, the fresh tide of Jahabich chose that moment to hit us hard. Sheila kept her aura reined in, mindful of those of us nearby who might otherwise be a bit scorched by its power, but it still shone like a beacon through her sword - a weapon that had felt the touch, and seemingly channeled the power of, two Icons.

  She sliced and diced, cutting through their rocky hide, maybe not quite like butter, but definitely like crusty bread. A few managed to breach her defenses, hitting
glancing blows that drew blood, but each time she managed to parry and drive them back. It was quite awesome to behold.

  Thea wasn’t chopped liver either. Hers was a brutal style, matching a vamp of extreme age who’d learned to use physical strength to their advantage. She sliced open gashes and tore out chunks from her foes as if trying to cause them as much pain as possible. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure if the Jahabich were incapable of feeling pain or just didn’t give a fuck. Either way, they tended to die quietly only for the next one in line to step up and take its place.

  That left me as the odd man out, trying to fight off a pair of them and just barely keeping myself from getting my head caved in. Fucking bitch. All Theodora had to do was let me take one fucking sip from her. Hell, I would’ve even pretended not to like it much, but no. Some chicks were just squirrelly about hickeys, I guess.

  Fortunately, I’d been in enough scrapes to know a thing or two about ducking - my fighting style characteristic of the phrase “not in the face!” Luckily for me, the Jahabich weren’t the most graceful of fighters in their rock-man forms. Whatever knowledge or skills they possessed in their former lives appeared to be suppressed in favor of brute force. That was a plus in my book. A half ton of granite-covered ninja would have been a major bitch to deal with singularly - much less an army of them.

  Positioning myself carefully, I waited for the perfect moment. The first of the creatures swung wildly for my head as the second stepped in. I threw myself to the ground, letting the blow pass harmlessly over me and straight into the waiting jaw of its friend. The stricken one went down, and I used the distraction to grab hold of the foot of the first and heave with everything I had, sending it tumbling down the incline of the stadium seating upon which we stood.