The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  I took a deep breath through my nose, almost retching at Sasquatch stink, and forced my way through it to try to pick up other scents. Trees, my friends, more trees ... maybe a squirrel or two. That was it. I didn’t sense anything else. The fuck? Was this place haunted or something?

  Ghosts or not, the Feet definitely weren’t alone in their outrage. Voices rose up from the trees behind us in answer – more battle-cries, but these weren’t the screams of monster apes. A horn sounded from somewhere close by and orders were shouted.

  The voices sounded human.

  No, wait – make that more than human. Though I didn’t recognize the words themselves, their guttural cadence struck a primal cord deep inside of me. I’d heard that language spoken before. It was Chinese or maybe Mandarin, or whatever the fuck they spoke in Mongolia. I don’t know. I took two fucking years of Spanish in high school and that was it. When the UN put out job postings for interpreters, I was most definitely not at the top of their call list.

  All I knew was that I suddenly found myself in the middle of the party I least wanted to attend in this world. Turd on one side, François on the other, and now...

  Speak of the little devil and she shall appear.

  A squad of armored warriors burst from the trees with a battle cry. Swords, spears, and crossbows were their weapons of choice. As they passed us, another group of Sasquatches emerged from the far end of the village to engage them. Jesus Christ, we were in the middle of fucking Apocalypse Now, the director’s cut.

  “Beloved!” a voice cried from near the tree line where the warriors had just emerged.

  Had Gan not spoken, I might have remained in blissful ignorance. I still registered no scent from her brethren. The hell?

  As for her, she was decked out in a miniature version of the fur-lined armor her people wore. A saber hung from her side and she held a ridiculously large bow in one hand. Strapped to her back was a wicked-looking spiked mace. If I hadn’t been aware of her power, I’d have certainly thought she might tip over from the extra weight.

  “Well, she did say she’d see you soon,” Christy said, stepping to my side, a grimace on her face. “Guess she’s a murderous hell-spawn of her word.”

  “Lucky me,” I replied.

  This was still no place for us to be. Gan’s forces seemed to have the upper hand, no doubt thanks to the element of surprise – they’d certainly surprised the shit out of me. But there was no telling how long it would last. There was no sign of Turd, but I had a feeling when he reappeared, it would be in force.

  Sally ran over and helped me get Dave and Adam back to their feet. Both were still dazed from being roughed up, but their eyes told me that the moment they got an opportunity they’d probably go right back to following François’s asshole orders. Well, fuck that. It wouldn’t last long, but right now, there was a bigger dog in these woods than him.

  “SNAP OUT OF IT!!”

  Gan reached us just as my friends did as told, their eyes clearing and looks of confusion taking over.

  “No time to discuss things. We need to get out of here,” I explained to them.

  “That was marvelous, beloved,” Gan said, making my skin crawl with her insane devotion. “You are truly coming into your power.”

  A not-so-small part of me was tempted to use and abuse that power, maybe compel her to forget ever meeting me. That would be nice.

  At the same time, I couldn’t deny that she’d just saved my ass – again. Holy crap. When this was all over and done with, I’d owe her for so many times that the only way to repay her would probably be to marry her. Hell, she probably planned it that way.

  “Where did you come from?” Sally asked her.

  Gan glanced sidelong at her for a moment, as if studying a bug under glass, before turning back to me. “I see your whore is still compelled.”

  “Why do you keep calling me that?”

  Gan ignored her, though. “Sadly, as marvelous a display of strength as that was, I fear it will still not be enough to undo Alexander’s mischief.”

  Fuck! Well, there went that theory. Unfortunately, it didn’t look like there were many more of François’s men around to bite. There were Gan’s forces, but I had a feeling they might take offense to that, not to mention they were armed to the fucking teeth.

  Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

  “YOU TOO!!” I compelled at Sally.

  She staggered and, for a moment, her eyes glazed before clearing.

  “Remember anything?” I asked.

  A partial answer came in the form of a fist to my jaw. Thankfully, with the stolen power racing through my system, I barely flinched from the impact.

  “Yeah, I remember that you’re a fucking asshole,” she snapped.

  “That’s it?”

  “Sorry. All you did was give me a goddamned migraine.”

  Trying to mask my disappointment, I turned back to Gan.

  “I told you, beloved,” she said, sounding about as emotional as if she’d predicted rain and instead gotten sunshine.

  “So you did.” No point in dwelling on my failure. “So how did you find us? How did you get here? Hell, are you even here? I’m standing three feet away from you, but I can’t smell a thing from you or your troops.”

  She laughed. “Ah, my love. When this is over, I shall enjoy schooling you in the ways of war. The Alma’s sense of smell is superior even to ours. One does not engage them without proper preparations. Here.” She pulled a small bladder from a pocket and handed it to me. “One of my herbalists prepared that. Apply it to your body, and your scent will be masked for half a day.”

  “Thanks. Is this enough for all of us?”

  Gan looked at my friends, pretty much dismissing Adam and Dave, then at Sally, and finally, she narrowed her eyes at Christy. “I suppose. Although it would last longer if you were to perhaps reconsider your alliance with the witch.”

  “Don’t start with me,” Christy said, her eyes flashing red. “I still owe you for Harry.”

  “Yes, and you likewise still owe me for dealing with the Magi who had accused you of treason. If anything, I would say your debt is fulfilled. Mine, however, is not.”

  “Enough!” I said, getting between them. Goddamn, would these two ever kiss and make up? On second thought, perhaps I didn’t really want to see that. Pushing that disturbing image from my mind, I quickly changed subjects. “You still haven’t said how you found me.”

  Once more, a bright smile creased Gan’s face. “I have had my people watching you ever since the trial.”

  “But we teleported out of there...”

  “And straight back to your home. A mere child could have predicted that.”

  Apparently, one had. “Fine. But what about you showing up here? You had no way of knowing we’d be up in Salem. What, do you have me bugged or something?”

  Gan appeared to consider this for a moment. “That is an excellent idea, my love. I shall have to consult with my advisors on it. However, no, not at this time. We did, however, track you to the farmhouse you stayed in for two days.”

  “And...”

  “And it was a minor matter to abduct a handful of the Templar and torture the information out of them.”

  Well, that was one mystery solved. At least Sheila wasn’t here to listen to this. “You couldn’t have just knocked and asked?”

  “Alexander’s orders were more than clear on the matter. So as to not arouse suspicion, I thought it best to keep my forces in check until such time as you needed my assistance.”

  “Until such time?”

  “You do have a singular talent for walking into situations which you are not even remotely prepared for. Such childish ignorance is endearing in you. I will almost be saddened when you finally learn otherwise.”

  Sally chuckled, drawing a glare from me.

  “Fine,” I grumbled. “We can discuss this later. For now, we need to get the fuck out of here.”
/>
  “Very well,” Gan said. “You are welcome to stay by my side, beloved. It would be an honor to dispatch our foes together.”

  “Uh yeah, maybe next time,” I replied. “Two of my friends are missing and...”

  “As you wish,” she said with a shrug. “I can tarry no longer. My men require my leadership if we are to win this day. I shall find you when the battle is over.”

  Judging by the way her people were fighting, I sincerely doubted they needed the leader of the Lollipop Guild at their vanguard, but I wasn’t about to say shit. Her reappearance had been beyond creepy. She’d graduated from infatuated to full-on stalker mode. It made me glad that I didn’t keep pets, for I’d surely find them boiling on the stove when I got home.

  Hmm, considering what she thought of humans, that didn’t bode well for my roommates in the foreseeable future.

  I looked down to find the nut job preteen still smiling up at me as if in anticipation. “Um, can I help you with something?”

  “Perhaps a token of your appreciation to send me off – I believe your people often give a kiss for luck.”

  For one moment, I actually gave thanks that my roommates were missing and Sally was mind-fucked. Otherwise, I’m certain of the comments that would have flowed like fine wine.

  Fuck it, I wasn’t proud. Feigning a cough, I said, “Sorry. Think I’m coming down with something. Wouldn’t want to pass it on.” I began to back up. “Uh, try not to die.”

  My pathetic attempt at a blow-off apparently did nothing to dissuade her. Gan smiled again, waved at me eagerly, and shouted, “You too, my love! Fear not, for I shall find you soon. It is our destiny!” She turned, let out a battle screech, and raced to join her warriors.

  That was all the impetus I needed to pop open the bottle of magical deodorant she’d given me.

  “Not if I can help it.”

  Pound Puppies

  “That one worries me,” Sally said, finishing with the de-scenting agent from our hiding spot behind one of the massive huts.

  “You have no idea,” I replied.

  “What’s in this stuff anyway?”

  “Knowing Gan, you probably don’t want to ask.”

  Sally held the bladder out to Christy, but she held up a hand.

  “I don’t want anything from that creature.”

  “Trust me,” I replied, “neither do I, but if it’ll help us get out of this mess...”

  “I can use a glamour to mask myself,” she said. “Since it’s just me now, it won’t take as much effort. Let’s just hurry up.”

  “Hold on,” Adam said, applying his portion of Gan’s concoction. “Where’s Mike?”

  “Back in Newark,” I replied, trying not to think about it. Fucking François. That asshole was gonna pay if we ran into him again, especially if we did so before the vampire blood I’d ingested wore off.

  Before Adam could ask anything else, I pointed to him and Dave. “You two go with Christy.” She raised a questioning eyebrow. “Oh, don’t look at me that way. I know better than to stop you from trying to find Tom.”

  “You’re going after Ed?” she asked.

  “Yeah. We can’t risk leaving and then coming back for him. We need to grab his ass now and haul ours. Sally and me will find him and then rendezvous with the four of you.” I glanced at Sally. “That okay with you?”

  “Not really sure I want to risk my life for one human.”

  Her blunt reply caught me by surprise, but then James’s warning again echoed in my head. I pushed it aside for now, though. Time enough to consider that later. “One human who everyone else seems to want. Besides, that’s my cub you’re talking about.”

  Sally looked as if she was about to protest again, but then just said, “Fine. But you’re carrying junior if we need to run.”

  “Sound like a plan, everyone?”

  “Not yet,” Christy replied. I thought she was about to argue with me since she wasn’t overly fond of Dave, but instead, she said, “Give me your arm.” Using one of her fingernails, she cut her own wrist and dabbed a finger into the blood.

  I recognized what she was doing from our time in NORAD – blood magic. “Good idea.”

  “It makes sense to do so.” She drew a bloody symbol on her forearm and then did the same on mine. “You won’t be able to smell us and the unnatural growth might interfere with my ability to scry you quickly. This way, it’ll lead us straight to you if ... once we find Tom.”

  She’d been all business, but in that moment, I saw the deep worry in her eyes. I put a hand on her shoulder. “Relax. He’s fine. Probably hasn’t even realized we’re gone. Just try to not let him rob that place completely blind, okay?”

  She met my eyes and a small smile creased her face. “Thanks, Bill.”

  “No problem.” I turned to Dave and Adam. “Keep her safe. As leader of the Defilers, I command it. Oh, and Christy, you might want to put something on that cut. Sanitary, this place is not.”

  “Not an issue,” she replied with a wry grin. She lifted a finger, and it glowed red as she used it to cauterize the wound shut.

  Yeah, I definitely needed to stay on her good side.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Get down,” Sally hissed as she dragged me next to her.

  Searching through the Sasquatch encampment felt oddly right. Not prowling through a den of monsters who wanted us dead, mind you. No, that part was as fucking stupid as they come. It was Sally and me working together. Despite her memory loss and the warnings I’d gotten, a part of me was still certain that, together, we could do anything.

  Thankfully, we didn’t need to. We just needed to find one human in the crowd – the proverbial needle in a haystack. Fortunately, I had the equivalent of a high-grade metal detector. My senses, still amped high as fuck on vampire blood, were more than up to the task.

  Even though our scents were currently masked from the Feet, that didn’t mean my nose had stopped working. If anything, it was putting in some overtime – Sally normally smelled damn good, but with the masking agent doing its job, those distractions were at a minimum. With all the Sasquatch stink in the air, it still wasn’t a pleasant task. More than once, I had to wipe tears from my eyes when their pungent odor became overbearing, but it was necessary.

  It was also fruitful, as I was able to lock on to Ed’s scent after just a few minutes.

  Though all the Sasquatch huts looked the same to me, we were able to find the one he’d been dragged into by virtue of my nostrils.

  Now, hunkered down behind some brush, we waited for the perfect moment to make our move.

  Gan’s forces had certainly succeeded in causing chaos. Though I had no idea how many warriors she had with her, the surprise attack had left the Feet in disarray. The monster apes raced back and forth through our line of sight. Some were in formation and had the bearings of disciplined troops. Others, however, appeared to be just as confused as I would be in such a situation.

  The problem was in their numbers. As strong as my body felt with the added power boost, I still didn’t fancy rumbling with a dozen or so of these fucks no matter how disorganized they might be.

  Sadly, time wasn’t on our side. I had no idea how long my current boost would last; therefore, waiting for the perfect moment wasn’t in the cards.

  Well, okay, the perfect moment would have been if Turd had given up and marched all of his troops home. Since that didn’t seem likely, though...

  “Now,” Sally said.

  “Huh?”

  “It’s not going to get any better. Let’s fucking do this.”

  The area in front of us was mostly clear – “mostly” being the keyword there. Three of the brutes had gathered and were busy chattering among themselves. Better yet, they were all veritable runts of the litter, maybe no more than seven feet tall. Hah! That still made them all the size of Andre the Giant. What a world we lived in where I considered that to be favorable odds. “Maybe we should give i
t a few...”

  Sally was already on the move, though. Fuck me! But then again, maybe she was right. Better to jump into a winnable fight than lose an opportunity that might not come again.

  Well, hopefully, it was winnable.

  By the time I stepped out from our cover, she’d closed half the distance between us and them. Yeah, well, fuck that noise. She might be fast, but she wasn’t turbocharged. I put on a burst of speed, accelerating so quickly that I was certain the soles of my sneakers would melt.

  I caught up to her just as she leapt at the nearest of our foes. That left two for me. I could do this.

  The beasts heard us coming at the last second, and one spun to meet me just as I was about to tackle it. Ugh! Something soft, fleshy, and hairy hit my face, blotting out my vision as I plowed into the creature and drove it into its friend.

  Bones snapped and both of them cried out as we all went down, me on top. I excised myself from what I realized, much to my horror, was a pair of flappy Sasquatch breasts.

  Oh crap. We’d just attacked a trio of Bigfoot women. Ugh! I never thought a little T&A would ever be such a turn off. Even so, it caught me by surprise. I backed off, hesitating in what I knew I had to do.

  “Get with the fucking program,” Sally snarled, stepping past me and delivering a vicious boot to the face of the one I’d taken down.

  “But they’re...”

  “Chivalry is dead, dipshit, and so are these things.” She extended her claws and sank them into the neck of the third as it was trying to scramble its way out from beneath its fallen friend.

  I backed up a step, then glanced to the side. The first Sasquatch lay dead. Sally’s attack had been quick, efficient, and messy as all fuck. Mercy had never been a part of the equation.

  “Please don’t tell me you were going all soft on these things just because they had tits.”

  “Well, no. I just wasn’t expecting it.”

  “Two things,” she said, stepping up to me. She held up a bloody hand, index finger raised. “One, that weaker sex bullshit doesn’t apply in the supernatural world.” Her middle finger joined the first. “And two, pretending that it does really pisses me off. Are we clear?”