The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Oh, maybe that was his ruse. Make me think Turd was dead and then, out of nowhere, zombie Turd would rise up, craving my flabby white flesh.

  While Sally was busying herself beyond the range of my clear vision, I walked over to the mound of putrid fur. Turd was fucked up beyond repair. We’re talking broken arms, rent meat, a shank of vertebrae sticking out the side of his neck. Ugh! If anything, he smelled even worse in death than he had in life.

  “Okay, you can cut the shit. I’m ready for the chase scene.”

  “What are you babbling about?” Sally called from where she was still off supposedly searching for my glasses. I only hoped Dr. Death would be sporting and allow her to find them before Turd played like a spring-loaded cat and popped up to give chase.

  “Let’s go, shitball.” I gave him a good solid kick with sneakers barely held together by a few strands of canvas. Ouch! Even dead, the fucker was solid as a rock.

  Sally walked back over, her form gradually appearing from the blurred forest around me. “Did you get your head knocked loose during the fight? Or is this just some weird ritual you always do that I don’t remember?”

  “Just trying to save us all a little time,” I replied.

  “Yeah. Anyway, here you go.” She held out her hand and I was relieved to find my glasses in them. The earpiece was a little bent, but that was a quick fix. A second later, my vision was restored and ... whoa. Sally looked like one of the covers from those old men’s magazines – the ones where a muscular hero fought off cannibals and killer snakes while a damsel in distress – in shredded clothes – stared helplessly from the background.

  I was forced to admit, as hot as my bedroom fantasy with her and Sheila was, this was potentially even better. “Damn, I have an awesome subconscious.”

  Sally sighed, her eyes narrowing. “Okay, that’s enough. What the fuck are you talking about? And, I swear, if you ignore me one more time to talk to yourself, I’m going to fuck you up – and not in the fun way this time.”

  “Like you don’t know.”

  Her hand shot out and she grabbed my throat. She dragged me close, lifted me off the ground, and held me with my feet dangling. “Pretend I’m stupid.”

  “Fair enough,” I gasped.

  She let go, and I landed on my feet, giving a quick cough to catch my breath. Oh well, there were probably worse ways for her to get my attention. “Fine. You’re not real, none of this is.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah. We’re all in Dr. Death’s head ... well, my head. The head we share.”

  “You’re making zero sense.”

  “When Dr. Death took over, when I changed, it turns out he lied. He didn’t give me control. He just let me watch. Then, when it was all over, he shoved me into the background of my own fucking mind as he was about to...” My eyes popped open wide. “Oh shit! I have to save Sally.”

  “I’m right here.”

  “The real Sally, I mean. Dr. Death was about to...”

  “Wait, hold on. So you mean that wasn’t you?”

  “Huh?”

  “During the fight?”

  “No, it was him. Couldn’t you tell, the way he was acting like an asshole when you were trying to help?”

  “Not really. I thought maybe you’d grown a set when you changed. I mean, hell, your other form was nothing like ... you are now. No offense.”

  “None taken,” I replied offhandedly. “How bad was it?”

  “Bad?”

  “Yeah. I mean, I saw my muscles and all, those were kind of cool, but I can only imagine how horrible the rest was. Was I drooling pus? Please tell me no, because that’s just fucking gross.”

  She looked like she was contemplating things, then shrugged. “Nope, nothing gross about you. You were ... ugh, I really shouldn’t say it.”

  “Say what?”

  “You were actually pretty hot.”

  “Wait, hot?”

  “See, I knew I shouldn’t have said it. Now it’s gonna go straight to your head.”

  “Didn’t happen to get a picture, did you?”

  “You see any place for me to hide a camera?”

  I allowed myself another glance at her – her clothes barely clinging to all her fun lady parts. I really needed to find my pants because my makeshift kilt sure as shit wasn’t going to do much to conceal the mega-boner I was about to sport.

  “Err, anyway,” I said, glancing away and trying to fill my head with thoughts of Turd, “after the battle, I saw him – me – advancing on you. He said you were gonna get what you deserved. Then everything went blank and I woke up here in my mind.”

  “You definitely got hit in the head too hard.”

  “Whatever. I need to wake up and rescue Sally before it’s too late.”

  “Too late for what?”

  “For me to stop him from killing you.”

  “You didn’t kill me, genius. Hell, quite the opposite. I mean, you were a little forceful, sure, but I kinda like the rough stuff anyway...”

  “Whoa there, Hoss. I’m not following.”

  “You mean you don’t remember?”

  “Like I said, Dr. Death shoved me into the back of my own mind, knocked me the fuck out. I...” I stopped and glanced down at her again, then remembered my own missing pants. “Oh God! Are you saying I raped you?”

  “I wouldn’t put it that way. I mean, it surprised the fuck out of me at first, but it’s not like that’s the first time I’ve done it following the heat of battle. If anything, there’s something about a warm corpse nearby that really gets me going.”

  I turned away, unable to believe I’d done something so reprehensible. I was no better than the others, just an animal – a monster like the rest of them.

  “You okay, Bill?”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “What for? No complaints here. I came.”

  I spun back toward her, my jaw agape. The fuck? “Are you serious? How can you be so ... nonchalant about this?”

  “Don’t let it go to your head. I was sorta in the moment.”

  “Not that! I...” Goddamn, vampires were weird.

  Wait a second. This didn’t add up. As bad as this was, I’d been certain the bastard had intended far worse for her. “I thought Dr. Death was going to kill you.”

  “You were a little extra bitey, I’ll admit. Oh, and you did have me worried there for one little second.”

  “How so?”

  “After you ... finished, you bared your fangs, pinned me to the ground, and raised your fist. For a moment there, I thought you were really into the rough shit, but then all of a sudden your eyes rolled into the back of your head. You started mumbling some weird shit, rolled off me, and then out of nowhere you shrank back down to ... you. Let me tell you, that was trippy as all fuck to watch.”

  “Mumbled what?”

  “It was right before you started going off about being in your head. Something about not letting you do whatever, and wanting to die first. Just for the record, those aren’t words a girl wants to hear in the afterglow.”

  Holy crap. He was going to kill her.

  But then what stopped him?

  After a moment, Sally’s eyes opened wide as she apparently began to catch on. “Wait, so you’re saying that wasn’t you?”

  “No.”

  “Then how did you reassert control?”

  “Who knows? Maybe shooting his load affects him just like any other guy.”

  Sally raised a dubious eyebrow. “Or maybe it was you. I know I don’t remember much, just bits and pieces, but I’m not stupid. I get the sense we’re friends. Not sure how that happened, but I’ve seen the things you’ve done, the limbs you’re willing to climb out on for others. Other vampires wouldn’t do that sort of thing.”

  She was right, far more than she knew. Sally was a friend, maybe more. I still wasn’t certain. What I did know, though, is that I would have died for her if need be.

&nbs
p; Holy crap! Maybe that was it. A strong emotion could break a compulsion. Wasn’t Dr. Death’s control of me not entirely dissimilar? Hah! What a joke that would be. I was the Freewill, but at the end of the day, I was just vulnerable to a different type of control – one from within.

  If so, maybe that made sense. If Dr. Death was truly about to kill her and some part of me was even vaguely aware, then I would have fought tooth and nail to stop it. I’d done it before. When Dr. Death had gone on a bloody rampage, I’d awoken to find my friends untouched. More than ever, I was convinced he was a murderous asshole with no love for anyone, but maybe he wasn’t as fully in control as he claimed.

  “Penny for your thoughts.”

  “I’m just trying to make sense of this shit. I think you’re right about what you said. Maybe deep down there was some part of me still aware enough to fight back. But if so, then that means this is all real.”

  “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!”

  “I’m awake and in charge of me again.”

  “Yep.”

  I glanced sidelong at her. “It also means ... we sorta boned.”

  Her eyes narrowed and she sighed. “Pity you can’t remember it. In fact, I’m pretty sure that means it never happened.”

  “Wait, what?”

  “Let’s go. We need to find the others and get the fuck out of here.” She turned with an eye-roll and started walking.

  I quickly caught up to her. “But it was good, wasn’t it?”

  “I guess you’ll never know.”

  Pillow Walk

  Sally was mum as we continued our trek away from the sounds of battle that still continued off in the distance.

  As much as I didn’t want to run into Gan again, I silently wished her well. Batfuck crazy that she was, she’d rushed into a lion’s den to help where others had run. That one of those others was now a member of the Draculas said a lot to me.

  I didn’t fancy ever crossing paths with Alexander again, but if we did, I’d make it a point to bring him up to speed on François’s heroism when it came to saving his own ass. Although the leader of the Draculas was a douche-canoe the size of an ocean liner, I was pretty certain his attitude when it came to battle was to lead by example. After all, one didn’t become the greatest conqueror in history by making a habit of letting everyone else lead the way.

  A part of me was still certain I was stuck in some sort of Total Recall nightmare and that the walls of reality would start melting around me at any moment. The more time that passed, though – and the lack of any Death Stars showing up in the morning sky – began to convince me that I’d somehow come out on top again.

  However, there were a lot of questions left unanswered. I had my little compulsion theory, and it sort of made sense, but that still didn’t tell me how it all happened. Then there was the part of Dr. Death spouting off about never being a part of me. What the fuck was up with that? I didn’t recall ever being possessed. At no point during the last couple of years did I end up in a bed projectile-vomiting pea soup onto a priest. I mean, sure that was that time Tom, Ed, and I went on a bender of mind erasers and screaming Nazis, but I had a feeling those spirits were more the type to require aspirin the next day as opposed to a full-on exorcism.

  As for the beast himself, he had been quiet ever since I’d woken up. Nary a peep out of him. Can’t say I was sad for the silence in my head, but at the same time, I found it a bit disconcerting. It was probably too much to hope he was gone for good or lobotomized, for that matter.

  I’d need to discuss this with Christy. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to repeat our head-trip of an experiment, but if we did, then I’d make certain to nuke Dr. Death from orbit the next time. It was the only way to be sure. It would also prove to be fun. Some assholes just needed wiping – right off the face of the fucking planet.

  Alas, that would have to wait. Sally stopped so suddenly in front of me I almost bumped into her nearly uncovered ass.

  “I think we found your friend.”

  “Tom?”

  “No, the shit-covered one that everyone seems to want for whatever reason.”

  That meant Ed. Poor guy would probably be considerably displeased to hear how Sally was referring to him. But ticked off was better than being lost in the woods of ... well, former suburbia.

  Still, I’d gotten to home plate whereas he’d been able to hit a single at best when it came to her. No, that wasn’t right. Ed was a friend and, my feelings for Sally aside, taking that attitude was a shitty thing to rub in his face. I probably still would, mind you, but I needed to also make sure I wasn’t being a total prick to him. He’d had eyes for her first and had been making some headway before being turned into a walking vampire time bomb. “You might want to be a bit nicer to him.”

  “Why?”

  I struggled, almost biting my tongue, but in the end, Ed’s friendship meant a lot to me. I didn’t care to casually stomp it into the ground, drop my pants, and take a big steaming dump on it. “I told you, you and he sorta had something going on before you got compelled.”

  “Were we a steady item?”

  “Not that I’m aware of. I mean, I know you guys went out for coffee.”

  “Coffee. You don’t say. I’m surprised we didn’t move in together. I mean, going out for a cup of Joe isn’t a commitment I take lightly.”

  “I’m serious. Oh, and don’t forget what you two were doing up in Canada.”

  “Oh yeah. So how’d that one work out?”

  “I might have interrupted.”

  “Freewill and cockblocker. Quite the resume you’ve got going there, champ.”

  “I didn’t mean to.”

  She eyed me for a second or two, a smirk creasing her face. “Really?”

  All at once, despite my lack of clothing, it began to feel really hot beneath her gaze. “Yes ... I mean, no. I mean, I was too busy worrying about...”

  Her gaze softened and she put a hand on my shoulder. “Relax, Dr. Death. I was kidding. Here’s the thing – telling me all of this is meaningless. I remember a few things, but most of it is a jumble. Him ... he’s a total blank and no, I have no idea if that means anything. How about this? Our little encounter back there aside, why don’t we agree that discussions about the worlds I might or might not be contemplating rocking should probably wait. If we can break these blocks in my head, then we can talk.”

  “And if we can’t?”

  “Then we’ll all have to start over.”

  If that wasn’t the story of my life, then I didn’t know what was.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Ed’s scent, a mix of human and putrid Sasquatch ass, was pretty easy to follow from a ways off. As we trailed him, a tingle lit up my forearm. “What the...?”

  “What’s wrong?” Sally asked idly, still facing the way we were headed.

  “Not sure. Think something bit me.” Okay, that was silly, although it did lead one to wonder what would happen to any mosquito dumb enough to land upon a vamp. I mean, they were already like little vampires as it was. Gah! I didn’t have time for stupid thoughts like that.

  I glanced down at my arm and saw that my speculation was pointless anyway. The tingling was coming from the blood mark Christy had drawn, still there despite everything. Must have been the magic in it.

  “Check this out,” I said, looking down at the mark as it glowed ever so slightly – pulsing with the tiny bit of power invested into it.

  “In a sec,” Sally replied.

  “I think Christy found Tom. We should probably stop moving in case she decides to zap back here.”

  “I think we should stop moving regardless,” she said.

  “Why?”

  “Your friend. He’s not alone.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “What? Did he meet up with the others?”

  “Maybe, and maybe they all got a chance to shower off that de-scenting stuff your Chinese friend gave us.”

&nb
sp; “Mongolian.”

  “Whatever the fuck.”

  She had a point. Gan had claimed it would last half a day. Hell, despite all we’d been through, I could smell the dirt on our bodies and the trees around us, but had Sally stepped around a tree to play hide-n-seek, there was no way I’d have been able to track her. Had Ed not stunk up the forest around us, we’d have surely gotten away scot-free.

  “Who then?” I asked after a moment. The point was moot, though. I, too, caught the scent from up ahead.

  “Vampires,” we blurted out simultaneously.

  “Jinx!” she said, then slugged me in the arm. “You owe me a drink.”

  “Ow.”

  “Pussy.”

  “Any idea who they are?”

  “They’re not the ones who pulled our asses out of the fire.”

  “Gan’s troops?”

  “Yeah. We never smelled them coming. These, they don’t smell nearly that good. Whoever they are, they’ve had run-ins with the Feet. I can smell their lingering stench.”

  The whole fucking forest still stunk of Feet to me. It was weird, because when I was hopped up on the blood of other vamps, it all seemed so clear to me. Yet another perk that came with age, I suppose.

  An unpleasant thought hit me. “I doubt it’s any covens out here sightseeing. That leaves two possibilities: François or Vehron’s lackeys.”

  “Yep.”

  For the first time ever, I found myself actually hoping to see François’s unpleasantly smarmy face. Who’d a thunk it? The end of the world had truly taken me to some strange places indeed. “What are we going to do?”

  “I’m not sure we have much of a choice.”

  “Why?”

  “Because they’re heading this way.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Do we hide?”

  “I don’t know,” she replied. “This would be so much easier if we had my big bag of guns. Never a bad idea to say hello with a cocked fifty-caliber piece in your hand.”

  “How did they find us?”

  “I don’t know that they did. Maybe they’re just walking in this direction, or maybe they’re following your friend’s back trail.”