The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Yeah. All the lounges have names here. Don’t look at me. I didn’t choose it.”

  “I’ll assume it was there pre-Vehron.” Or maybe not. For all I knew, Firebird was bringing Mr. Muscles up to speed on the modern age by having him sit through chick flicks. Now, there was an image. Maybe the way to beat him wasn’t through strength, but in forcing him to watch The Hunger Games over and over again.

  Movie night would have to wait, though. Star opened the door and stepped inside. I followed, my fingers crossed that nothing more had befallen my friends.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  All talk ceased the moment we entered. It was quite the interesting scene. The doll that housed Tom’s soul was sitting propped up on the edge of a table. Dave and Adam were standing in front of it, obviously engaged in some conversation.

  Christy sat off on a couch against the back wall. Her eyes were red rimmed and had circles beneath them. Sally was seated next to her, her head propped on one hand, looking quite bored.

  The room itself looked like a typical office lounge: comfortable, with places to sit or hang out. There was a Keurig machine on one counter. Vending machines for snacks and drinks lined one wall – and me without my wallet. The only thing that set it apart from the mundane were the odd sigils painted onto the walls. Although Christy didn’t look as if she had any interest in zapping anywhere at the moment, it was a safe bet those were in place in case she changed her mind.

  A frown creased my face as I noticed that was it. I hadn’t been expecting to find Ed here, but sometimes hope is all we have when we’re deep in enemy territory surrounded by creatures that would gladly kick our asses if given minimal cause.

  “S’up, Bill,” Tom said. I had to admit, his voice coming from the unmoving, perpetually sneering face of the toy had potential to get creepy. “How you doing?”

  “Nothing not getting punched in the head anytime soon won’t cure. How are...”

  “Star?” Sally asked, getting to her feet. For a moment, a big grin lit up her face, but then she composed herself back to her normal nonplussed look. I decided to be nice and not mention it.

  “Hi, Sally,” Starlight replied.

  Sally turned to me. “I thought you said she was killed.” She’d been there when Firebird had broken the news, but that fell under yet another memory buried deep within her skull.

  “Firebird lied.”

  “Wait, you mean she’s the one who told you ... fucking cunt.” All things considered, that about summed it up. “Why would she do that? You know what? It doesn’t matter. This entire operation has gone tits up. What about the rest of Village Coven, Star?”

  “They’re here.”

  “Good. I want you to gather them up. We need to find a way out of this place.”

  “I’m not leaving.”

  “What?”

  “This is where I belong. This is where we belong.”

  Sally’s eyes narrowed. “Goddamned compulsions.”

  “I’m not compelled.”

  “The hell you’re not.”

  To my surprise, Starlight didn’t back down. It was probably the first time I’d seen her stand her ground with Sally. “I’m serious. That’s not the way things run here. Compelling others to do their bidding is frowned upon.”

  “Oh really? That’s not what I saw just a few hours ago.”

  “You were a hostile invading force. Of course it’s going to be used in that case. But the choice is always made with a free mind. You’ll see.”

  “I don’t know what choice you’re talking about, but I don’t care to see anything except this place getting smaller in a rearview mirror.”

  “Second that,” Dave said.

  “Can we stop and grab my body on the way out?” Tom asked. “I’m kinda partial to making sure I get a nice funeral.”

  “Not funny,” I replied. “Besides, we can’t leave without Ed.”

  “Sorry,” Adam said, “but watch me. I don’t know what you had in mind when you set up this quest, but shit isn’t turning out like either of us hoped. I just want to get back to Newark and the guys.”

  “The guys are dead!” I snapped. Silence descended on the room at my outburst. “There’re not in Newark. That’s just a stupid game rule so DMs can fuck over their players. In real life, you get dusted, you stay dusted.”

  “But that means...”

  “Mike and Carl are gone. I’m sorry.”

  “Wait, you lied to us?”

  “Seems to be a lot of that going on,” Sally muttered under her breath.

  I felt all the frustration of the last few days – hell, months – bubble up inside of me. I stepped across the room and grabbed Adam by the shirt, lifting him to his tippy toes. “Yes, I lied. You guys were acting like animals and I saw a chance to kill two birds with one stone – save people from you and recruit some extra muscle for my mission.”

  “Heh. Just like the Baron of Stormgaard did to you guys last year.”

  “Fuck off, Dave.” It was a good thing there was little chance of our game continuing after this, because I had a feeling I’d just doomed Kelvin to a most ignoble death ... again. Oh well, fuck it. I didn’t have time for games right now. “Like I said, we don’t leave without Ed.”

  “No!” The lights in the room seemed to dim, replaced by a swirling torrent of colors. The runes on the walls glowed brightly in response to Christy’s power, but did little to contain the raw fury emanating from her. “We came here to kill Vehron, and we’re not leaving until he’s dead.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  For all the prophecies written about me or Sheila, I was forced to concede that, as far as I was concerned, Christy was the scariest person in our group when she wanted to be.

  “Vehron isn’t your enemy,” Star said, seemingly unimpressed with the display of power. “He doesn’t wish you any...”

  “He killed the father of my child.”

  A slight tremor shook the room. Oh boy.

  “I’m right here,” Tom said.

  “You’re not!” she screamed. “What you are is ... is wrong.”

  With that, the light died down in the room and Christy once more sank back onto the couch, putting her face in her hands and quietly sobbing.

  Sally and I looked at each other, then at her, then back at each other. I gave a single shake of my head. Finally, she rolled her eyes at me and walked over to put an arm around the distraught witch. Sorry, but providing comfort wasn’t really my thing.

  “Harsh,” Tom said after a few moments. “I mean, sure, I’m not exactly a vintage Han Solo, but I still have a kung-fu grip. You just don’t find that shit on toys today.”

  I walked over and picked him up off the table. “Here’s an idea. Why don’t you try not to help for a while?”

  “Wait, what are you...?”

  The rest was muffled as I shoved him deep into a pocket of the Mongolian fur coat I still wore. Oddly enough, it was quite the satisfying act to perform. Would have saved me and Ed a lot of grief in the past had Tom just been a shitty action figure from the get go.

  Still, that was a temporary balm at best, a little amusement to cover the grim reality of the situation. The bottom line was that we weren’t going anywhere until this was finished, one way or the other.

  “I’m gonna kick your ass when I get out of here,” came Tom’s tinny voice. “What the hell is this? There’s a...” I cut him off by shutting the flap over the pocket.

  Wait, speaking of disembodied voices that had gone oddly quiet. “Where’s Decker?”

  “Oh, the demi-lich?” Dave asked. “They took him.”

  “Who?”

  “I didn’t get a chance to ask for names. Once those rock monsters marched us in to this place, one of them made off with the skull.”

  “Star?”

  “Like I said, Bill, they don’t really make me privy to all their plans. What’s so important about this skull?”

  “Oh, nothing.
Just a disembodied wizard noggin with an attitude problem.” I purposely left out the part about him being able to see the future. Despite my joy at learning Starlight had survived, I found myself not quite willing to fully trust her so long as she wore her Team Vehron hat – even if her reasoning for doing so made pretty good sense.

  “Oh, that skull,” Starlight said, recognition filling her eyes. “Is it still spouting off those creepy predictions?”

  “You know about that?”

  “I’m the one who went up and got it,” she replied. “Sally sent me up to Westchester for it. Had to boil it for hours to get rid of...”

  “Never mind that,” I quickly said, glancing out of the corner of my eye toward Christy. “The skull’s not important. Vehron’s probably just using it as a wine goblet or something.” Okay, that probably wasn’t helping either. “Let’s get back to Ed. We need to find him. Any chance you can help us with that much, Star?”

  She appeared to consider this. Behind her, I could see Sally raise an eyebrow. After a moment, she opened her mouth and I felt a tingling at the base of my skull. She was about to throw a compulsion at Star. While I had little doubt it was a practical course of action, I didn’t like the thought of mucking with the head of a friend. Also, there was every chance the guards standing outside would notice.

  I quickly shook my head, which caused Starlight to turn hers.

  “What are you doing, Sally?”

  “You know me, Star – whatever it takes.”

  “It’s not going to work. You should know that.”

  “Can’t blame a girl for wanting to try.”

  Starlight put her hands on her hips, once more refusing to back down. “They’ll know if you do, and their response won’t be a friendly one. I’ll help you find your friend, but not if you’re going to play games with me. As I told you, they don’t allow that here.”

  “Who is this they you’re talking about?” Sally asked. “Isn’t Vehron calling the shots?”

  “It’s ... more complicated than that.”

  “How?”

  Starlight held up a hand. “You’ll see soon enough.” She turned toward me. “I’ll ask about your friend. In the meantime, try to keep everyone from doing anything stupid.”

  She turned and walked out the door. Although there was no click of a lock engaging, I didn’t fool myself into thinking we were free to explore.

  As for her warning, I quietly muttered to the closed door in front of me, “We’re already here, so it’s far too late for that.”

  That Sinking Feeling

  “Yeah, how’d you like that, fucker?”

  I stood before my vanquished foe, enjoying the spoils of battle. It would not sate me for long, but for now, I would savor the taste of victory – for a sweet taste it was indeed.

  “Are you finished punching out the vending machine?”

  I turned to Sally and held up my spoils. “Twix? They’re even better when they’re free.”

  She sighed disgustedly, but took the candy anyway before she stepped away.

  Trying to escape might’ve been suicidal, but I would be damned if I wasn’t going to show my captors some form of passive protest. Also, I didn’t have any change on me.

  I glanced over to where Christy lay. The poor girl was out cold on the couch. Dave had groused about her not leaving room for anyone else to sit, but Sally had immediately thrown a chair at his head. That pretty much ended the argument.

  I had wanted to spend some time with Christy, discussing what happened with Dr. Death and how to maybe salvage things, but after Starlight left us, she pretty much zonked out. There was only so much stress one could dump on a person in a single day, and she’d surely passed her limit long ago. If blissful unconsciousness could give her a modicum of peace, then so be it.

  Speaking of the cause of that stress. I’d almost forgotten about Tom in the few hours since we’d been left to stew in our own juices. Not that I’d forgotten about what happened to him. No, I’d just forgotten he was still in my pocket. I walked over to a corner, opened the flap, and pulled him out.

  “Still with us, buddy?”

  “It’s about fucking time. It smells like someone jacked off an ox in there. And what’s with the wires...”

  “Sorry,” I interrupted. “I think Christy needed some space.”

  “I’m the one trapped in Ken doll Hell here.”

  “I know. It’s just weird – even weirder than normal.”

  “You’re telling me. I mean, I think I actually remember dying.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah. It was fuzzy at first – guess the whole Max Adventure thing was a bit of a shock to my system – but it’s getting clearer in my head. I remember Chuck twisting my neck, feeling something pop like my head had just turned into a champagne cork.”

  “Then what?”

  “It all went black, but I could still feel things. I know when I hit the ground, but all at once, I felt disconnected, like a stranger crashing in someone else’s apartment.”

  I considered how things were in my own head and nodded.

  “Then there was light. I know, fucking cliché as shit, but I swear there was a light at the end of a tunnel.”

  “Was your Aunt Gracie waiting for you in it?”

  “I fucking hope not. She was a bitch. But I never got there. It was like I took one step, and then the world exploded around me in orange light. Suddenly, I was spinning in it, like being sucked down a giant toilet. The next thing I knew, I was face down in a pile of dirt.”

  “Christy thinks that maybe the same thing happened to you as what happens to the Jahabich, except obviously on a smaller scale.”

  “You’re a fucking laugh riot, you know that?”

  “I try,” I replied, staring down at his unmoving plastic face.

  “Think she can fix me?”

  “I won’t lie, man. I have no fucking idea.”

  “This sucks. I mean, if I was one of those asshole rock monsters, I could at least turn back into me.”

  “Yeah, somehow I don’t think that would be an ideal situation.”

  “I wonder if every part of them is human when they’re like that. I mean, would my dick still work?”

  “That’s what you’re concerned with?”

  “Fuck yeah. What’s the point otherwise? I gotta take care of my lady. She has needs, if you know what I mean.”

  I thought back to how Christy appeared when we were in my head, but decided to keep that to myself. “I can’t help but think there are more important things to worry about.”

  “Hey, you worry about saving the world. I’ll worry whether my dick works. To each their own.”

  “Yeah, well, I have news for you, buddy.” I yanked down his camo pants, revealing the smooth plastic between his legs. “You ain’t exactly anatomically correct.”

  “What the fuck, dude?!”

  “Bill,” Adam called over from where he sat with Dave. He’d apparently been watching us. “I bat for that team, and even I have to admit that was one of the most fucking gay things I have ever seen.”

  “Mind your own business.” I quickly pulled the action figure’s pants back up and addressed Tom again. “I was trying to illustrate a point.”

  “Yeah, the point of why you aren’t getting any from a female.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Oh really? Lack of pussy has you delusional now?”

  “Fuck you, ass.” I lowered my voice to a whisper and brought my lips to Tom’s ear. “I’ll have you know I got some more recently than you. As in a few hours ago.”

  “A few hours? We left Sheila over a day ago.”

  “Trust me, I’m well aware, but I’m not talking about her. It was right after I killed Turd.”

  “Wait. You were with ... no fucking way. Ed? Really?”

  “No, not Ed, shithead!”

  “Well, the only other person with you was...” He trailed o
ff as realization finally hit his dull plastic orb of a brain.

  Yep,” I replied, my voice lower so she didn’t hear. “Tapped it real good.”

  “Holy shit! You fucked Sally?!”

  Goddamn it! I immediately felt all eyes in the room turn toward me. The thing was, there was only one pair that counted, and I could feel them boring a hole into the back of my skull.

  “Thanks,” I grumbled to Tom.

  “Don’t mention it.”

  I lowered my voice to a bare whisper. “I swear to God when this is over with, I’m gonna tear your fucking arms off and tell Christy to use you as a dildo.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Thankfully, fate was kind that day, and by that I mean Starlight walked back in before Sally could pummel the snot out of me. Sure, I had no idea what her presence meant for us, but right at that moment, I would have welcomed being escorted to the torture chamber. I had a feeling it would be preferable to seeing how Sally reacted to being slut-shamed.

  I stuffed Tom back into my pocket, ignoring his protests lest he cause any more chaos on my behalf. I said a silent prayer to whatever gods were listening that we could fix him somehow, then added in a personal vow to punch him in the face once we did.

  Glancing over my shoulder, I saw Sally turn to give Christy a gentle nudge awake. Even with her memories wiped, she seemed to have a soft spot for the witch. Of course, that might just have been because Christy was currently her best bet to get those memories back. Either way, it gave her something to do aside from kicking me in the nuts.

  Dave and Adam both retreated to the far corner, as if that would help. Oh well, guess this was my show to MC after all.

  “What’s the word, Star?”

  “You want the good news or bad news first?”

  “I imagine there’s a lot more of the latter, so why don’t we get the first bit out of the way.”

  She gave me a sad smile and nodded. “I found your friend. Would have been pretty hard to miss him. Apparently, there’s a whole big hullaballoo about him.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know, but I do know he’s in the main hall outside of the prefect’s office.”

  That made sense. Last time I was here, that’s where Vehron had set up shop – usurping the area and turning it into some sort of throne room for himself.