The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Me?” She looked down at her arms. “Yeah. It just sometimes tingles for a little bit after I heal myself.”

  “Listen, maybe I didn’t say it earlier, but...”

  “You did. Four times, to be precise.”

  “Well, I’m still really sorry.”

  “Don’t be. If anything, it added an air of authenticity to our ruse.”

  “Not just about that, but, well, everything else ... keeping secrets from you.”

  “You had your reasons.”

  “Maybe, but I don’t know if they were good reasons.”

  “You’re a loyal friend.”

  “Loyal to the point of being stupid.”

  “I won’t argue that,” she said with a chuckle. “But the important part is you decided to tell me before I could confront you with it. That means a lot to me.”

  We locked eyes across the table, the silver in hers glinting under the light of my kitchen nook. I opened my mouth, not really sure what to say next, but maybe there was no need. Her hand and mine, both on the table, began to slowly inch their way toward each other. But thankfully the third wheel in the room picked that moment to place hers upon mine and spare us an actual moment.

  “It is but one of the many reasons I adore you, my love,” Gan said. “So honorable, noble, and yet fierce when the fires of passion engulf you.”

  “You know, Gan, you make it really tempting to open the window and let those fires engulf me once and for all.”

  Sheila covered her mouth with her hand, no doubt to stifle a laugh at my expense. I could always count on Gan to be the creepiest cock-blocker on the planet.

  I quickly pulled my hand away, or tried to. Goddamn, she was strong. The table began to creak as I finally managed to slip out of her grasp. Thank goodness for sweaty palms. “Anyone want anything to drink?”

  “I am quite sated, beloved,” Gan said.

  “I’m fine too,” Sheila replied. “So let’s get back to it. How’d you guys escape?”

  I stood up, walked to the kitchen sink, and turned on the water full blast as I rinsed out my mug. Cleaning my glass was only part of the reason for doing so, though. Sally was downstairs and, just in case she was still awake, I really didn’t care for her to eavesdrop on the next part.

  “It was all my idea...”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “I am impressed,” Gan said, undressing me with her eyes. Ugh! I so needed to make it a point to wear at least two pairs of underwear from here on. “To invoke the Humbaba Accord at such a time showed great foresight on your part.”

  “Yeah, I’m clever that way,” I replied. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, it didn’t hurt that one of the Feet down there was Grulg.”

  “Grulg?” Sheila asked.

  “He was the Sasquatch who’d basically acted as our host during the Woods of Mourning Summit.”

  “Where my love boldly spat upon the peace entreaties of our ancient enemies.”

  “Accidentally spat upon their peace entreaties,” I snapped at her. “No thanks to you. Anyway, their leader Turd...” I paused as Sheila giggled. “Basically, Turd was a giant shit-stain on two legs, but Grulg turned out to be an okay guy for a giant rancid ape. He didn’t particularly like us any more than the rest of them, but he was on the up and up. No tricks. So we lucked out in that Sally – I mean, we – recognized him. Thankfully, he remembered us, too.”

  “Another of those strange coincidences?” Sheila asked with a wry grin.

  “I will admit, on occasion it does seem like the world is awfully small, but that’s about as far as I’m willing to go. Regardless, once we cut a deal with him, the rest was causing as much chaos as we could, followed by running, lots and lots of running. That’s around when we blew up the tunnel, not realizing we might need it again.”

  “It was a prudent course of action at the time. Yours is not a strategic mind, my love. One could not expect you to know better.”

  “Gee, thanks, Gan. You always know how to make me feel better.”

  “What happened to Grulg?” Sheila asked.

  “Huh?”

  “Did he come out with you guys?”

  I let out a laugh. “Oh jeez, can you imagine if we’d surfaced in the middle of Pandora’s Box with a Sasquatch?” Actually, considering we’d been immediately arrested upon our escape, maybe that wouldn’t have been such a bad thing. “No,” I continued, “once we made it to the Jahabich antechamber or whatever it was, we dissolved the truce.”

  “So what happened to him?”

  “He ran for one of the other caves leading out of there, same as some of the other things that managed to escape. At that point, it was every man for himself.”

  “Did he make it out?”

  “No idea. I hope so, though. He was an okay Bigfoot. With any luck, he hightailed it the fuck out of Dodge before the Jahabich got their act together enough to give chase.”

  Sheila was silent for a moment, a thoughtful look upon her face as if she was trying to envision the whole thing in her mind. Hopefully, her musings involved more of my heroic elaborations and less of how fucked we’d actually been at the time.

  I got back up to get a refill of the blood Gan had brought. After that, I needed to step back a bit, remember that it needed to last. But damn if it wasn’t tasty. Now if I could only push away the thought of how she’d likely obtained it, I would...

  “Did Grulg blow up his cave, too?” Sheila asked.

  “Huh?”

  “You said you blew up the exit behind you. I was wondering if maybe Grulg did the same with his.”

  “We brought C-4. Unless he was hiding a brick of it up his ass, then I doubt it.”

  “The Alma shun the technological trappings of man,” Gan explained.

  “Some of them do anyway,” I groused. “But as I said, Grulg was a straight shooter. I didn’t get the vibe that he had a hankering for the latest iPhone upgrade. So no bombs, although who knows? I suppose he could have used magic. We’ve seen the Feet do some funky things with trees.”

  “Alma shamans are fairly rare, my love,” Gan said. “Their warrior caste is far more numerous.”

  “Well, there you have it, then. No boom.”

  “Maybe that’s a good thing,” Sheila said, her eyes wide and sparkling.

  “Not really. It means one more place where those fucking rock cocks could potentially surface from.”

  “That’s what I mean.” She stood up and leaned across the table at me.

  I tried, and mostly failed, to not sneak a peek at the ensuing cleavage, but what she said next made all thoughts of boobs flee my mind ... for a moment or two.

  “Think about it. If Grulg made it out, then he’ll know how to get back in. If we can find him, maybe he can tell us how to get down there again and save Ed.”

  War and Piece

  I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “Yeah, he might point out the way ... after he finished smashing my head with a rock.”

  “You said yourself he was an honorable man, err, ape,” Sheila pointed out.

  “Yes, honorable, but still a loyal member of the race that hates our guts.”

  “But you were able to make a truce.”

  “A temporary cease fire,” I clarified.

  “But a cease fire nevertheless. He could have attacked you guys outright, but he was willing to talk. Maybe he would be again.”

  “The circumstances were a bit different down there. Believe me, he made it perfectly clear he toed the party line. So long as the rest of his buddies are down with kicking our asses, then he is, too.”

  “But what if they weren’t?” she asked.

  “Weren’t what?”

  “Weren’t hell-bent on wiping you out. It’s painfully obvious the Jahabich aren’t just a threat to the vampires. You said so yourself. It was a veritable Noah’s ark of the supernatural down there.”

  “Yeah.”

  “So, then the ... Fe
et, I guess, must be aware of the threat. Maybe not to the extent we are, but we both saw it for ourselves at our trial. Some of those things turned into Sasquatches. That means they’ve had losses. That means they have to know there’s another enemy out there gunning for them, too.”

  “The enemy of my enemy?” I asked. “Seems a stretch to me. I mean, you don’t know these things like I do. They really don’t like us for whatever reason. I don’t know, maybe we insulted one of their mothers way back when.”

  Gan stood up and placed her hands behind her back. “We have been enemies for countless centuries. The reasons are lost to time. However, that mutual dislike was kept at bay for nearly five millennia by the Humbaba Accord.”

  “Yes, which is now null and void.”

  “Not entirely, Dr. Death. You yourself were able to invoke it when needed. The Accord, as you no doubt are aware, is quite lengthy – several dozen scrolls in size.”

  “Uh yeah. Light reading for a rainy day.”

  “It provides boundaries for the fragile peace that existed between our people, that much is true, but the signatories were wise. They understood our mutual nature and made sure to include provisions for breaches of that peace. The Accord was signed in blood under the eyes of ancient powers. It is not so easily dismissed in its entirety.”

  “So you’re saying that it could be reinstated, in theory anyway?” Sheila asked.

  “An argument could be made that we are simply in a state of abeyance with regard to it. In theory, as you stated.”

  “I’m failing to see how,” I said. “I mean, we’re in a state of all-out war here. Thousands have been killed. You yourself bragged how you had a mile-long line of Bigfoot skulls lining the road to your house.”

  “I was stating a truth, not bragging. Regardless, you are thinking of this war like a human. That is a mistake. The morality of the players involved is beyond such petty considerations. Though it is true there are many primal powers that wish to see it proceed so they might reestablish the old religions, there are just as many that wish to keep them in check.”

  “So there’s a chance,” Sheila said.

  “There is always a chance, Shining One, even if infinitesimally small.”

  “Says the one who actually started this war,” I added, letting a trace of bitterness enter my voice.

  “My intentions were to make clear my claim upon you, beloved. And I make no secret that this conflict helps me forward my personal ambitions. However, I see no reason why this new development cannot also aid my aspirations.”

  I put my head on my hand and stared at her from across the table. “It’s amazing you haven’t won a Noble Peace Prize yet.”

  “There is also the fact,” Gan continued, ignoring my barb, “that the initial aggressor of hostilities on their side is now dead.”

  “Turd?”

  Again, Sheila snickered at my mention of his name. I couldn’t blame her. If I lived to be a thousand, I doubted that would ever stop being funny. “But wait. Didn’t the attack on the Khan happen before he got involved?”

  Gan shrugged as if the death of her father was water under the bridge. “An opportunistic way of gaining our attention, nothing more.”

  I considered this. “Turd and François seemed pretty buddy buddy for a while there and, from what I heard, François did have a mad-on for your dad.”

  “Indeed. I have little doubt the attack was at least partially perpetrated with inside knowledge from the traitor. In fact, we have no way of knowing how long they were manipulating events to bring about the summit.” She began to pace. “But they are both dead now. The Alma will have gathered to select a new leader for this hemisphere.”

  “You think this new guy might be more approachable?”

  “Hardly. The Alma’s hatred of us runs deep. However, from what I have gathered, Turd was disgraced at the time of his declaration of war.”

  “Fuck yeah,” I said with some pride. “Asshole had an iPod and I called him on it.”

  “A bigfoot with an iPod?” Sheila asked. “That’s new.”

  “I should have checked out his playlist. I really wanted to know if he had Chewbacca on it.” I turned back to Gan. “Disgraced or not, he still was able to make the call.”

  “Yes. His influence was such that even with a shadow cast over him, the others rallied to his cry. To do otherwise would have been to admit weakness. But do not think his sins were so easily forgotten. The Alma have a long memory and even war cannot erase such a stain.”

  “So you think whoever is in charge now might be willing to talk?” Sheila asked. “Do something to erase the ... stain that Turd caused?”

  I grinned. “Once you start, it’s really hard to stop, isn’t it?”

  “I’m glad I don’t have to meet him. Not sure I could keep a straight face.”

  “It’s easier than you think, especially when he’s busy rearranging yours with his fists.”

  “I believe it might be possible,” Gan replied, getting us back to the point. “As with any new regime, the leaders will be eager to place their own mark upon history – whether that be war or peace.”

  “That’s good.”

  “But that decision will not be made at our hands,” she added.

  “It won’t?”

  “No.” She turned and pointed at Sheila. “It will be at hers.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Not following,” Sheila replied, wide eyed.

  “I am a known enemy of the Alma,” Gan stated matter-of-factly. “I have slaughtered them wherever we have met on the field of battle.” She turned to me. “You, my love, likely possess nearly that same level of notoriety via your status as the Freewill.”

  “Nearly,” I echoed.

  “Should either of us approach them in their territory, there is an excellent chance we would be torn asunder even as we offered a flag of truce. The Shining One, however, is also known among them, but in a different manner.”

  “I remember,” I said. “Turd tried to invoke the Icons to rally the Magi against me.”

  “Indeed, but his words aside, there has never been open hostility between the Alma and her kind. If anything, her status as a known enemy of our people would give her some measure of influence amongst them.”

  “That whole enemy of my enemy thing again,” I offered.

  “Yes. Should the Shining One approach them, offering to mediate a peace, I do not think she would be turned away out of hand.”

  I stood up and leaned against the wall. “Yeah, but there’s one small problem. We might get their new leaders to sit down and talk, but we’ll never get ours to. Last I checked, Alex was pretty big on wiping them out.”

  “And who says we need him? Did you not act as the First’s proxy last time? Your status as Freewill makes you an equal to them in the eyes of our enemy regardless of the reality of the situation.”

  Could always count on Gan to tear down three walls while building up one.

  “Would that work?” Sheila asked.

  “There are no official diplomatic channels between our leadership and theirs at the moment. Word would spread quickly among our allies, though, so eventually, the First would learn of it.”

  “And then what?”

  “Unknown.” She shrugged. “It has been rumored among the prefecture that Lord Alexander’s ambitions for war were not formally endorsed by the majority of the First Coven.”

  “You think the rest of them might grow a backbone and force him to accept a peace now?” I asked.

  “I do not. Two of their number are dead and a third is missing. There might be some debate on the matter, but I would not count on the opposition prevailing.”

  “Yehoshua might make for a good argument,” I offered.

  “Perhaps,” Gan conceded. “But the fate of Lady Theodora at the hands of the Shining One could work against supporting a peace she brokered. He was known to be fond of her.”

  I knew that, but a
t the same time wasn’t sure I agreed with her assessment. However, before I could say anything, Gan continued. “Besides, it matters not. Whether the peace is real or a sham is irrelevant. What matters is that we convince the Alma it is genuine long enough for them to guide us to Ib’s lair. After that, the rest is up to you, my love.”

  “Me?! What the hell am I supposed to do?”

  “What you normally do. I believe your whore said it herself. You have quite the talent for, what were her words? Ah yes, fucking things up.”

  Don’t Use All the Hot Water

  Sheila and I decided to forgo our nightly sojourn that evening. The plan we’d come up with had me far too distracted, not to mention I knew myself. Despite everything, I’d probably have spent the entire night apologizing for vamping out on her, which wouldn’t do wonders for our vigilantism. Also, I had a feeling Gan would have wanted to tag along and her version of street justice was decisively different from ours.

  After our little powwow broke up, I ran downstairs to bring the others up to speed on our plan while Sheila worked on getting a stable cell signal so as to attempt to reach Bernadette – hopefully without tipping off Colin in the process.

  Sally was dubious as to our chances of success, but even she had to agree it was better than anything else we had to go on. Also, more than ever, she seemed to want to get a move on with regard to rescuing Ed. Considering what Gan had told us about what he could do, I had little doubt of the reason behind her enthusiasm. Still, one couldn’t argue against having a motivated crowd.

  Christy’s coven seemed pretty gung ho on trying, too. Of course, the Magi weren’t on the Feet’s shit list, so it wasn’t quite as much of a risk to them. Christy, however, barely acknowledged the plan before shuffling her sisters back into the basement and locking the door behind them.

  My curiosity got the better of me and, despite knowing Christy’s penchant for wards, I snuck up and tried to listen in, catching “It’s now or never” before all sound inside was muted. Considering I couldn’t even hear a heartbeat through the door after that, I had to assume it was magically blocked.