The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Gan stepped forward, a neutral expression still on her face. Yeah, remind me to never ever play poker with her.

  Big C, however, backed up a step as if aghast. “What this?!”

  “Huh?”

  “This T’lunta treachery?”

  Hah! Who’d have guessed? The Feet might have been shit-covered, bug-eating morons who considered females a lesser species, but apparently they had qualms about those females being little girls.

  “I can assure you. Though she appears young, she is...”

  “Not T’lunta!”

  “What?”

  “That not T’lunta!” he repeated, getting extra huffy, snot running out of his nose in ropes thick enough to climb. Eww.

  That’s when I remembered. Oh shit! They’d refused Gan a place at the table. I hadn’t argued the rule before because of the day-walker thing, and also because I was glad not to sit next to her for hours on end. Now it was coming back to bite me. Fuck it all.

  “Yeah, but she’s...”

  “Bride must be T’lunta,” he growled. “Only T’lunta! Or pact not sealed.”

  “The only other vamp we brought is Sally,” Tom helpfully pointed out.

  Sally turned and fixed him with the gaze of death itself.

  “Yes,” the ugly ape replied. “Big C take that one.”

  The crack of knuckles could be heard. I looked at Sally and saw her fist clenched so tightly blood dripped out from between her fingers.

  “You can’t have her,” I said, trying to think quickly.

  “Why not?”

  “Um ... because she’s my mate.”

  “Huh?”

  “And as much as the thought of a wife swap is interesting, I’m thinking the logistics just won’t work. I mean, I live in Brooklyn. You live...”

  “You say she not mate. Spend entire time at table claiming she not mate.”

  “Well, I was being shy and...”

  He turned to Sheila. “Silver Eyes, did him not say so during sacred meeting?”

  Shit! He had her and she knew it. She couldn’t just outright lie to him.

  “Yes,” she replied after a beat. “The Freewill did claim multiple times that she was not his mate.”

  “Then she now Big C’s mate,” the monster gorilla replied with finality.

  I turned to Sally, a look of desperation on my face. “It’s not...” I couldn’t say it with them in earshot. “You know. We need this. Please!”

  Finally, after a long moment, she nodded and stepped close to me. “I know. It has to be done. I understand that.” Thank goodness. “But you should also understand,” she said, lowering her voice to a pitch even I could barely make out, “that the second we’re alone, you are so fucking dead.”

  As if I didn’t know that already.

  Shotgun Honeymoon

  The Humbaba Accord had some stupid rule that the marriage vows would take place in accordance with each species’ personal beliefs.

  I had no idea what constituted a vampire marriage. Whatever it was, it probably involved a lot of biting, and no goddamned way was that happening. So I opted instead for a traditional city hall type ceremony with Sheila forced to officiate.

  Since she wasn’t an ordained minister, an elected official, or a boat captain, I took some small comfort in knowing that whatever was said wouldn’t be legally binding. Even if it was, dragging a Sasquatch down to the hall of records in Manhattan was not something I’d be doing anytime soon.

  Mind you, it really didn’t help that she took great amusement in the “Do you, Bill Ryder, take Muld to be your lawful wedded wife” part.

  When the chips were down, everyone wanted to be a comedian.

  Oh, and now I had a spouse whose name sounded like mold. Fitting, considering I think she had some growing on her.

  Sally’s ceremony was at least slightly more amusing. It involved a lot of screaming, roaring at the sky, and generally acting like she was an extra in a King Kong remake. Less amusing was the death glare she gave me with every new debasing thing she had to do.

  Far more tragic was what she was likely going to do to me once she realized I’d palmed my phone and secretly recorded the whole thing. Sure, the world might end and we might all die horribly, but I’d meet my maker knowing there would soon be a couple million views on my YouTube channel. Small victories really did make or break a day.

  And, hey, Sasquatch weddings had one thing in common with human ones: there was a customary throwing. Yeah, it wasn’t a bouquet and there was no fucking way any of us wanted to catch a giant lump of shit, but it served to show how truly small the world could be. If we all tried just a little harder, we could all find a common ground to stand on.

  Of course, now that all the peace bullshit was done, we needed to get ourselves to a common underground, and to do that, we needed Grulg.

  Once the ceremonies had concluded, Big C turned to all those present and declared the truce in effect along with the hope that peace would lead to many cubs for both of us.

  That’s when I made my move.

  “Mighty Big C,” I said as reverently as I could, which wasn’t much. Sally stood by his side, and it was all I could do to withhold comment on what a blushing bride she made. “I know the peace has just been established, but I wish to ask a favor of you.”

  “Favor?” he asked dubiously.

  “Though I can’t wait to consummate the marriage to my beautiful wife, I am afraid it must wait. I have a matter of honor that must be satisfied first. I cannot in good conscience make...” I glanced back at the butt ugly Sasquatch female, standing there picking her nose. “...cubs until this matter is satisfied.”

  “Matter of honor? Tell Big C.”

  “Do you know of an ape ... I mean, warrior named Grulg?”

  He thought for a moment, then nodded solemnly. “Yes, Grulg. Honorable war chief. Fight well. Lead well.”

  “Yes he is, or does, whatever.” Sally rolled her eyes at my sputtering. “You want to do this?”

  “Oh, no,” she replied. “It’s always fun watching the master at work.”

  “Anyway, me and my partner, your new wife,” I put an extra big grin on my face as I said that, “were both saved by Grulg some weeks back.”

  “Saved?” he asked, raising his sloped brow.

  “Yes, we were both imprisoned by an enemy known as the Jahabich.”

  “Not know that word.”

  “Ugly rock fuckers who can turn into people or others of your kind.”

  That he apparently understood because he bared his teeth. “In’luh. We know of them. Enemies to all.”

  “You can say that again. Anyway, we were all trapped, and then Grulg offered a truce as per the Humbaba Accord. We didn’t trust him at first, but his actions proved themselves and he led us to safety.” It was stretching the truth, but truce or not, it wouldn’t hurt to butter up these assholes a bit.

  “Yes,” Sally added. “Grulg acted honorably that day, despite our unworthiness. It would mean a lot to us to find and express our gratitude. In fact, I really don’t think I could truly give myself to my new...” She gritted her teeth. “Husband with that dishonor hanging shamefully over my head.”

  Hell, I didn’t think I could give myself to my new beast even if I taped porn to the inside of my eyelids. But, with any luck, we wouldn’t need to.

  The ugly monster appeared to consider this. I just had to hope he wasn’t a horny fucker like Turd. Sally was a grade-A piece and, quite frankly, if I was in his position, I’d have probably said, “Fuck this noise. You can do that shit in the morning.”

  “Walk with me,” he said at last. “Words not for females to hear.”

  Sally looked insulted by this. Muld just continued to look dumb.

  “Why don’t you two ladies bond or something? We’ll be right back.”

  I followed Big C as he wandered off into the trees. Though he could have lost me in an instant and double-backe
d behind me before I’d know it, he kept a slow pace, as if being mindful of my much shorter legs. A small part of me feared he was leading me off so as to beat the shit out of me away from prying eyeballs, so I kept one hand in my pocket on Gan’s vial of ass-kickery. But, instead, he eventually stopped and turned to face me.

  “Grulg not here.”

  For a moment, I felt a sinking pit form in my stomach. “Um, he’s not dead, is he?”

  Thankfully, he shook his head. “Nuh. Grulg mighty warrior. Hard to kill.”

  “Oh, that’s good, then.”

  “No.”

  “No?”

  “Freewill T’lunta has acted honorably today.”

  I had? Good thing he didn’t realize I had every intention of ditching my marital duties both now and forever. “Thank you, Big C.”

  “Big C confess that expected this to be trap. Planned to spring trap instead.”

  “Wait, you’re saying this was all an ambush?” Why the fuck was there a need for an ambush? His people had my small group outnumbered by dozens to one. Sure, we had Christy’s coven and Sheila as our surprise allies, but that would have merely delayed the inevitable.

  “But now we at peace,” he continued cryptically, or was that cryptidly? “Not all at peace, though.”

  “Well, yeah. I mean, word has to get out.” I wasn’t looking forward to that. Once Alex found out we’d signed a peace treaty without his say so, he’d go through the fucking roof. That part was bound to be tricky, especially since it might make him less likely to let us lead him to his death, as we’d been hoping.

  “Not what Big C means,” he replied. “Big C only say this. Beware Magi.”

  “The Magi?”

  “They come to watch, but maybe not just watch.”

  I had no fucking idea what he was talking about. Did this idiot actually think that Christy and her coven were on his side? What? Had he been counting on them to go all hippy dippy and declare us enemies of the trees or something? What a fucking idiot. “Thanks. I’ll be sure to keep an eye on them.”

  That seemed to mollify his stupid self, because he changed subjects back to the one I was truly interested in. “Grulg far away. He near place of big human huts. Place of T’lunta power.”

  Place of power? “Wait, Boston? You mean he’s near Boston?”

  He appeared to consider that, probably having never seen Google Maps. “Hear that word before from captured T’lunta.” He nodded. “He sent to lead troops, new allies. Lead them to great victory that others fail at.”

  “Okay.” That didn’t really help much. New England was still smaller than Canada, but finding one Sasquatch was bound to be a needle and haystack exercise. “So, any idea how we make contact once we’re there?”

  Sadly, I didn’t expect to be given his cell phone number. There was also the small problem of what would happen if the Sasquatches several hundred miles south hadn’t yet gotten a messenger pigeon to let them know peace had been declared.

  “Trees will take you,” Big C said.

  “The trees?”

  “Magic.”

  Oh, yeah. The Feet had used that trick to sneak up on us many times. One minute, there’d be nothing but forest and the next, a small platoon of them would step out from behind a tree. It was unnervingly creepy. I hadn’t realized they could also use it as a sort of express train if need be. “And how do we do that?”

  “We help. Shamans grant you temporary passage.”

  That was good. It would be a fuckload easier to step out of a tree trunk right where Grulg was. Of course, this could be tricky if C expected us to kiss Grulg’s ass and then immediately get back here and make with the fucky-fucky time.

  Big C stepped up close and leaned down, almost as if reading my thoughts. “Take all time T’lunta need,” he said. “Not wish to say so she-T’lunta wife hear, but Big C find her ugly. Not looking forward to making cubs.”

  Hitchhiker’s Guide to Canada

  We were allowed to gather back at our hut to ready ourselves, which also allowed us to take advantage of the wards keeping prying ears out.

  It gave me a chance to bring them all up to speed on what I’d learned, including the Sasquatch chief’s offer to send us. I left out, however, the part about him finding Sally about as attractive as a wasp-infested knothole.

  Hmm, actually, for all I knew, these fuckers might’ve been into that.

  “So he’s not too far from where we were just a few days ago?” Sally asked.

  “That’s what I gathered,” I replied. “Hard to understand Captain Caveman there, but reading between the lines, I think Grulg may have been sent to take command of the invasion Turd fucked up. It’s probably a good thing we showed up here when we did. I have a feeling an offensive with him in the lead might be slightly more effective.”

  “Is that such a bad thing?” she asked with a smirk. “I mean, Colin is in charge again.”

  “This is a good point.”

  Gan stepped forward and proceeded to ignore our pettiness. “It would be dangerous to approach Boston airspace the way we came up. The First Coven’s agents would most certainly notice and investigate. The offer by the Alma presents both an opportunity to circumnavigate this challenge as well as a means to do so more quickly.”

  I nodded. “Oh, by the way, Gan, thank you for showing such restraint during the negotiations. I ... very much appreciate it.”

  She waved it off as if it were nothing. “I would move mountains for you, my love, or let them crumble to dust at your say so. Regardless, this was all agreed upon in advance. If I thought for one moment that you had any intention of returning the Alma’s affection, I would ensure she was dealt with accordingly.”

  Affection didn’t quite describe the look on Muld’s face every time she looked my way. Still, her meaning was clear.

  “I don’t suppose you’d throw my loving husband in as a two-for-one deal,” Sally said.

  Gan glanced her way and a sour look came over her face. “I must ... apologize. I did not consider the Alma would refuse to acknowledge my status. You performed admirably in my stead.”

  “Was that a compliment?” Sally asked, one eyebrow raised.

  “It was. Know that I do not hand them out lightly.”

  Tom stepped forward and put a hand on both my and Sally’s shoulders. “Well, just to be safe, I’m buying you both a package of fur-lined condoms when we get ... Oof!”

  Sally elbowed him in the gut. I held my breath for just a moment, knowing what was inside him. I really needed to pull her aside and tell her not to do that.

  For now, though, it seemed a plan was working itself out, one where we’d find Grulg and hopefully get him to point out the hole he’d used to escape the Jahabich lair.

  “We still have one problem,” Kelly said.

  “What?” I asked. “Believe me, I’m okay that nobody got us any wedding presents.”

  Most of the group chuckled, even Kelly for a second, but then she pointed a finger at Sheila. “Our esteemed MC. This tree transport that these monkeys use. It’s still magic. How do we know it won’t fizzle out the same way?”

  Sheila glanced at her and gave a slight nod. “Yeah. Hate to agree, but so far I don’t seem to have much luck volunteering to go up on stage to be sawed in half.”

  “Probably a good thing, considering some of the players on the field,” I replied.

  “It still presents a problem. I’m stuck doing things the old-fashioned way. With me around, that slows you guys down considerably. Without me, you guys can do this much faster.”

  “We’re not leaving you behind.”

  “Hear me out, Bill. Time is of the essence. We know Calibra has Ed, that she needs him for some reason. But he’s not the only person she has. You have other friends in need. We can’t take the long way around, counting on the fact that she’s doing nothing but waiting for us.”

  Damn it! She had a point. Dave, James ... even Starlight. I did
n’t know if there was any way to save her now that she was a Jahabich, but that didn’t mean she didn’t deserve us trying. James, in particular, was a member of the Draculas. Calibra knew that, having pretended to be his subordinate for God knows how long. He was a VIP, a very important prisoner. Sooner or later, she’d play that card to our detriment.

  Still... “It’s a bad idea. First rule of D&D is that when you split the party, you get fucked. Hell, you saw how things went south when we invaded Boston.”

  “We ... you still won,” she said, averting her eyes for a moment.

  “Yeah, well, we almost didn’t. We got lucky and it had nothing to do with our plan working. We need to stick together.”

  “I can catch up to you.”

  “That’s a lot of catching up to do.”

  “Those choppers we came up in are still there.”

  “No offense, but...” I glanced around. This wasn't really something I wanted to say in front of certain company. “But I really don’t feel comfortable with you flying alone with...”

  “With my men?” Gan asked. “Though they are loyal to me and will not strike without my authority on pain of death, I am forced to admit it is a valid concern.”

  “It is?” I asked, surprised she was agreeing with me on this point.

  “The Shining One strikes fear into the hearts of many. Fear can make even the most loyal soldier act foolishly.”

  I hadn’t expected Gan to side with me on ... oh, who was I kidding? The little nutcase was obsessed with me. If I told her the moon was purple and the oceans full of hamster piss, she’d agree. Now if only I could convince her there were other fish in the sea, ones that weren’t utterly skeeved out by her advances.

  Yeah, little chance of that happening.

  “There has to be a way,” Meg said. “That’s one of the fundamentals of magic. Energy can be manipulated, and faith magic is simply another form of it.”

  “Well aware,” Kelly replied with a lopsided grin for some reason.

  “It’s not that simple,” Christy said. “The energy we manipulate is intangible, fluid. An Icon is basically that energy in corporeal form.” She turned to Sheila. “Sorry, not trying to talk about you like you’re not here.”