The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Shit. I had a feeling that compelling these assholes to knock it the fuck off wouldn’t win me any favors in their eyes. Sadly, it seemed like that was my only option, but then an idea popped into my head.

  “Come on, guys; the Blessed One is in danger. She needs our help.”

  “Blessed One?” Bernadette gurgled through a mouthful of blood. A moment later, she blinked and her eyes returned to their normal dull brown color. It was an improvement, however slight. She dropped the dead mage like a sack of potatoes, then backed up with a look of horror upon her face. She looked at me, then toward the two other knights still busy tucking into their not-so-happy meals. “What have we done?”

  Despite our mutual dislike, I felt bad for her. Being turned hadn’t been a bed of roses for me, but I’d been a gamer and horror geek before. As a result, I’d adjusted relatively quickly. For the Templar, however, it had to be like having helms of opposite alignment unwillingly put on their heads. They’d become the things they hated most. I truly felt sympathy for her plight. “You turned a trio of wizards into your own personal Slurpees.”

  Well, okay, maybe I didn’t feel that much sympathy. Bernadette had always gone out of her way to treat me like a pile of shit. I wasn’t above rubbing it in a bit.

  But perhaps I’d save the rest for later.

  “As I was saying, Sheila got attacked. I could really use your help.” I pointed out the pile of trees lying atop the sinkhole in the ground, then took a couple of steps toward it before realizing she wasn’t following. I glanced over my shoulder and found her staring at the other two, still feeding like there was no tomorrow.

  Without a word, she walked up to the first, picked up the sword he’d discarded, and then beheaded him in one clean cut.

  “What the fuck?!”

  The first Templar barely had time to turn to dust, when she did the same to the other.

  Bernadette then turned the point of the sword toward herself. That finally spurred me to action. I jumped in and kicked the weapon out of her hand before she could commit some half-assed version of hari-kari.

  “I repeat, what the fuck are you doing?”

  “Did you not see them?!” she cried. “They were no better than animals, beasts. When we awoke like this, we all vowed to God under Heaven not to partake in the hunger that was eating away at our insides. They broke that vow ... as did I. I am unworthy to be in the presence of the Blessed One. I am unworthy of life itself.”

  With Sheila in danger, I was running a bit low on sympathy. “Get the fuck over yourself already. Besides, isn’t suicide a mortal sin?”

  “It is. But so is murder, and I have done that as well. My soul is already damned. Nothing can save me now.”

  “Uh huh. Yeah, I’ll freely admit it sucks. Been there, done that. But we have a friend in trouble, and – as much as I hate to admit it – I need your help to save her. So we can discuss your unworthiness later on. For right now, put your fucking faith where your mouth is and get moving.”

  She looked as if I’d slapped her in the face, something I also wasn’t above doing. After a moment, though, her eyes hardened as she hopefully remembered what a reprehensible beast I was supposed to be. Finally, she gave me a single nod.

  “Good.”

  “The mages?” she asked as I turned away.

  I remembered what James had said after Calibra outed herself as Ib. Under normal circumstances, mages couldn’t be turned. “Don’t worry about them. They aren’t going anywhere except a shallow grave.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Turns out Bernadette was far more useful than she would have been if she’d still been human. The wizards had done a job of things, requiring a lot of muscle to clear enough debris to open a hole. I won’t pretend I wasn’t worried sick the entire time. In a way, Bernadette’s death wish was a good thing, as it kept me preoccupied with making sure she didn't break off a branch and impale herself on it. I swear, with some people, it was nothing but drama.

  Finally, we cleared enough that I was able to see down below. My field of vision wasn’t very wide, but I saw melted asphalt, broken rebar, and a lot of debris.

  What I didn’t see, however, was a white glow of any kind.

  Damnit! We redoubled our efforts, alternating between digging and calling out Sheila’s name. Well, I did anyway. Bernadette still kept up with her Blessed One bullshit. In retrospect, it was probably a good thing she hadn’t been around to watch us inject Sheila with the blood of Baal. She might’ve objected ever so slightly.

  Of course, had she been there, she wouldn’t have ended up sucking off any mages, so perhaps my wish was a wee bit selfish at that.

  Footsteps approached and I turned to find more of the Templar joining us. They were all dirty, and most of them looked like they’d been at least partially singed by magic, but none had the dipped-in-gore look Bernadette wore. “I’m gonna cut right to the chase. Are all of you...”

  “Filthy denizens of the night?” Bernadette’s second in command replied, disgust practically dripping out of his mouth. “Aye. We are all damned.”

  “Not all, Brother Vincent,” Bernadette said. “Did you stay true to your bond?”

  “Yes, though it was difficult. The call is strong, hard to resist. And you?”

  Bernadette turned away without saying a word and got back to digging. Okay, whatever. I didn’t pretend to follow their logic. Though they all seemed intent on bemoaning their fate, I considered it a good thing to have some extra firepower backing me up, at least for now. In the long run, I’d have to see about getting these guys assigned to a coven as far away from me as possible. An eternity of bible camp didn’t sound particularly appealing.

  “Let’s go,” I ordered. Fuck it, if they were vampires now, then technically, as a former coven master, that made me their superior. “Play time is over. Start digging.”

  That didn’t fly with them. I had to tell them who we were trying to save before they did anything but glare at me like I was a bag of dicks. Once they understood the stakes, though, we all got to work. Half of the group fanned out. There were still mages running around, and I could also hear tank fire in the distance. The haze had gotten thicker, too, making me think Alex was far less concerned with forest fires than Smokey the Bear. The rest of us removed debris as quick as we could until we’d opened up a hole wide enough for me to squeeze down.

  Caution warred with my need to know. Much as the forests had been hostile territory to vampires for centuries, so too had become the underground in recent days. I needed to keep an eye open for Sheila’s white glow, but at the same time be mindful of any orange ones.

  Fuck it! My safety came second to my friends’, albeit a close second.

  I sat on the edge and kicked off right as I heard a voice cry out, “Thank goodness you’re all right!” I dropped down into the darkness just as Sheila stepped out from the undergrowth.

  The fuck?!

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It took a few minutes for me to climb back out. The Templar abandoned their posts the second they saw her, leaving me to my own devices. Goddamned pack of overly righteous undead assholes.

  Sheila was waiting with a confused look upon her face once I managed to extricate myself. The Templar were standing around her defensively, although I couldn’t help but notice none of them were making eye contact or speaking to her.

  “Are you okay?” we both asked simultaneously.

  I held up a hand. “How did you get out?”

  “The hole dropped me down into a subway tunnel.” She hooked a thumb over her shoulder. “Turns out there’s a station exit maybe a block that way.”

  “But you’re not hurt?”

  “Some scrapes and a twisted ankle. Nothing I couldn’t take care of,” she replied before turning to Bernadette. “I’m happy to see you’re okay. I was worried.”

  When Bernadette didn’t answer, Sheila eyed her more closely, no doubt noticing all the blood. “Are you hurt? Do yo
u need healing? I can help you.”

  “Yeah, about that...” I commented under my breath.

  “I am unworthy of your touch, Blessed One,” Bernadette said, turning away.

  “Don’t be silly. If you’re injured...”

  She put a hand on Bernadette’s shoulder and the Templar flinched as if she’d been bitten by a snake. She leapt back, out of Sheila’s reach, a good ten feet. When she looked at us again, her eyes were blackened.

  Yep, safe to say that cat was out of the bag.

  “Do you not see this?” Bernadette cried. “I ... all of us. We have failed. We have failed you. We have failed God. And I am the worst offender of them all.”

  A faint glow of faith magic emanated from Sheila for a moment, probably the shock of seeing Bernadette hopping around like a howler monkey, but she quickly reeled it back in until it dissipated around her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...”

  “It’s not your fault,” Vincent replied. “It is what you do, your calling. God still smiles upon you, and the glory of his light is meant to burn the unclean ... such as us.”

  “Jesus fucking Christ,” I muttered quietly, forgetting for a moment that the Templar now had super hearing. I’d need to watch my tongue around these assholes. Oh, the hell with this. “I will remind you dickheads that I’m a vampire, too, so if we can please keep the self-loathing to a minimum, I’d appreciate it. You’re all giving me a complex.”

  Sheila was a bit more diplomatic. After giving me a pained look, she stepped toward Bernadette and held out her hand. The Templar leader shrank back – pure misery etched on her face. Sheila, however, was persistent and eventually Bernadette stopped backing away. After several more moments, the Templar leader lost it and collapsed blubbering into her arms.

  Despite the gore covering Bernadette, Sheila embraced her tightly. “It’ll be okay. Tell me what happened.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It took Bernadette several minutes to get herself under control. In that time, a few more of the Magi found us. Vincent dispatched his men to counter them, reminding each to hold true to their vow before sending them off.

  Thankfully, the damage that had been wrought trying to bury Sheila had left us a defensible area with cover. We needed to get moving soon, though. Nowhere in this tree-ridden hell was safe, and we still hadn’t seen hide nor hair of our missing friends.

  Bernadette clenched her teeth as she spoke, the bitterness chasing the grief away for the time being. Maybe that was a good thing. Anger could be molded, used. Self-pity, not so much. “It had been barely a day since you left when they took us. We thought ourselves vigilant, but our focus was turned away, seeking more of the so-called Destroyer’s revenants.”

  “Zombies,” Sheila explained to me.

  “Aye,” Bernadette said. “We hunted them as well as helping those in need. There was so much work to be done that I thought nothing of it when our patrols were late in returning. Contact in the city was spotty at best and there were many mouths crying out for help.” She threw a dirty look my way. “They came under guise of friendship, surrounded us before we realized it. I protested, citing the truce, but even then I knew our fates were sealed. For what is the word of a beast, even a silver-tongued one?”

  “Silver tongued?” I asked.

  “The leader of that house of sin.”

  I let out a heavy sigh. “Colin.”

  “I know not his name,” she replied. “I only know that his men fell upon us before we could mount a defense. It was my fault. I should have known better, should have been on my guard. But I am old and my faith is weak.”

  “No you’re not,” I said. “Well, okay, you are old. I’ll give you that.”

  Both Sheila and Bernadette glared at me.

  “What I meant is there’s nothing wrong with your faith. Alex gave his word. Even I didn’t think they’d turn on us so quickly. I should have considered that Colin is a fucking backstabbing prick. I’m sorry.”

  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t particularly like Bernadette, but I did feel sorry for her. Alex would eventually fuck us all up the ass, but the fucker didn’t even wait for the ink to dry on his bullshit ceasefire.

  At this point, all bets were off.

  “What happened after that?” Sheila asked.

  “We were controlled. His voice in our head, too strong to deny.”

  “Compulsion,” I explained.

  “Whatever it is called, it is a living nightmare. To be stripped of one’s will, to be forced to do another’s bidding.”

  I thought back to what Sally had been through. “Can’t argue there.”

  “We were hidden away. Ordered to the deepest depths of that den of devilry. But then the Magi came. The leader, Colin, took us with him when he escaped. Said we might prove useful yet.”

  “Sounds like him, all right,” I replied. “So where have you been all this time? We’ve been here a while now and...”

  “Once the vampire leader saw who you were, he ordered us away to guard the furthest perimeter. To stay out of sight.” She turned to Sheila. “Indeed, I think he planned to use us against you. To make us the serpents in your garden.”

  I had to stifle a chuckle at the thought of a fat Bernadette-shaped snake sneaking up on anyone.

  “He returned our weapons and trappings to us to complete the illusion, all save our crucifixes, rosaries; anything we truly held dear.”

  “The implements of your faith,” Sheila said. “I hate to say it, but that’s probably a good thing. Those would have been lethal to you now.”

  Bernadette nodded sadly. “Each of us was given a black blade, no doubt meant for your heart.”

  Sheila nodded ruefully. “But that didn’t happen.”

  “Yeah,” I added. “Unless you’re planning on attacking her now, after telling us all of this.”

  A look of sheer horror crossed Bernadette’s face. “Never! I would sooner die. I would...”

  “I think Bill is just explaining things badly,” Sheila said, giving me a look that was a definite prompt to agree with her.

  “Yeah, nasty habit of mine.”

  “We discarded those accursed weapons the moment we were freed,” Bernadette said fiercely. “We...”

  I held up a hand. “Wait, freed? They let you go?” That didn’t sound good.

  “I know not,” Bernadette admitted. “All I know is that around the time the Magi struck again, we awoke, our wills our own again.”

  I considered this. “And Colin was the one pulling your strings, right?”

  “The well-dressed one? Yes.”

  I turned to Sheila. “Remember when Alex punted his ass through the wall?”

  She nodded. “Hard to forget. That must have been it.”

  It had to be. If there was one thing that could fuck up a dude’s concentration, it would be that. Still, why beat the shit out of Colin and risk him losing control of the Templar? Bernadette was right. They could’ve made for a hell of a nasty surprise against us.

  Sheila coughed. The smoke was definitely getting thicker. We needed to get moving again soon.

  “Once freed,” Bernadette continued, the act of telling the story seemingly making her feel better, “many of my brothers fell to despair. I ... I committed a sin so as to give them hope. I told them there was still a chance to save their immortal souls. I made them vow not to partake of any blood save that of Christ. It was all I could think to do to once more rally them to the cause.”

  “You told a lie to save them,” Sheila said. “I’m pretty sure any loving God would understand that.”

  “Except I was weak.” Bernadette’s tone again became desperate. “I could not stop myself. The pull was too strong. I fear the others, seeing me fallen, will soon follow.”

  “Can’t be helped,” I replied matter-of-factly.

  Both of them turned and looked at me, wide-eyed.

  “Not trying to be an insensitive prick. It’s just biology. I
f they don’t eventually feed, they’ll go crazy.”

  “Their faith will...”

  “Mean nothing if they’re starving and feral.”

  “How long do they have?” Sheila asked me.

  “They’ve gotta be hungry now,” I replied. “Hunting pokémages like this isn’t going to help them much either. Sorry to say, but that Lost Boys bullshit of not turning unless you feed is utter crap. It’s a matter of when, not if.”

  Bernadette dropped her gaze. “Then all hope is lost.”

  “You do realize that, up until recently, I had a job, a relatively normal life, all while being a vampire, right? It’s not the end of the world.”

  “For one who was already a sinner, perhaps,” she shot back. “For the faithful, I fear it will eat them apart from the inside until they become little more than demons given flesh.”

  Arguing with Bernadette was about as fruitful as banging my head against a brick wall. I didn’t want to come across as a total dick, but the reality of the situation was that some of her people were probably going to be able to handle it just fine. The rest would most likely do what other vamps did: become total raging dicks. Unless the order of the Templar decided to really relax their membership standards, though, all of them would need to come to grips that their days in the clubhouse were over.

  My eyes met Sheila’s and I could see she was probably thinking the same thing, either that or “Why does this weirdo keep staring at me?”

  The thing was, this was neither the time nor place for an intervention to convince them that life goes on. And, the truth was, it was best to save that discussion until this was all over anyway. We needed them as proud warriors right now, not sad sacks wallowing in self-pity.

  For the duration of this ordeal, let them be Templar and let them do what they did best: destroy the forces of evil.

  Busting Those Bunkers

  Bernadette didn’t like my plan, didn’t like giving her people hope where none existed, but she agreed anyway. The stakes were simply too high. We needed all the help we could get, and right now, the Templar could offer a lot more than they could as humans.