The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8 (Goddamned Freaky Monsters, Half A Prayer, The Wicked Dead, The Last Coven)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “It’s part of my charm.”

  “Which explains your love life,” he added.

  “Seriously, are you okay?”

  He looked down at himself. “Do I look okay?”

  It was only then that I realized his clothes were in tatters, filthy ones at that. Speaking of which, he smelled ... not good.

  “In case you’re wondering,” he replied to my unspoken question, “there aren’t any fucking shower facilities, unless you want to take a bath in that orange shit next door.”

  “As fascinating as your hygiene is, what the fuck is going on?”

  “What I think Bill means to say,” Sheila said, “is we planned on a lot of scenarios, but not finding you here ... like this.”

  “Walking around freely?” Ed asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “Where the fuck am I gonna go? When I first got here, there wasn’t shit I could do anyway. Sucks being the weakest guy in the room, let me tell you.”

  “Something you should be used to,” I said.

  Ed flipped me the finger. “Then, after this happened...” He opened his mouth, revealing fangs. “They kept me caged up for a while, but thankfully your friend, that woman from your coven...”

  “Starlight?”

  “Yeah,” he replied. “She convinced the queen bitch there wasn’t any way for me to escape. Said so long as I cooperated, I should be allowed to wander freely.”

  “Cooperated?”

  “She keeps mixing up shit for me to drink, but mostly I get to suck people on command.”

  I raised a fist to my mouth and made a back and forth motion.

  “Not like that, dipshit.”

  “Have you...” Sheila tried to suppress a grin, but failed. “Had to suck on a lot of people?”

  “You too?” he asked with a pained sigh. “I see you’ve been spending too much time with this one.”

  I shrugged. “What can I say? I rub off on people. How many, though?” I looked around, as if this new breed of vamps was even remotely conspicuous.

  “Don’t bother,” he replied. “Seems to be a pattern. I bite someone, then never see them again. That is, until about ten minutes ago. I could have sworn I saw that little nutcase.”

  “Gan? Yeah, she’s here, too.”

  “Just fucking great. Well, she might not be for long. Calibra and her lackeys seem to have forgotten I picked up those vampire ears you’re always bragging about. She hasn’t been happy with the results, whatever that means. Keeps bitching about one failure after the other. I kinda got the impression those others weren’t long for this world.”

  That jibed with what Gan had told us. Ib was looking for a way to purify the vampire race, but so far her experiments had two failings: the new converts were mules and they couldn’t be controlled. I had a feeling that latter one was the bigger sin in her eyes, but there were too many unfriendly ears present to bring Ed up to speed.

  “Wait; you said she had you drinking stuff,” Sheila said. “What kind of stuff?”

  “I feel like a total tool saying this, but I’m pretty sure we’re talking magic potions.”

  “Cure light wounds? Invisibility?” I offered.

  Ed let out a bitter laugh. “I’d already be home if it was that last one. More like potion of tastes like shit.”

  “I don’t think I’ve seen that one in the Player’s Handbook.”

  “We’re talking some nasty stuff here, man. Like, I spent most of yesterday puking my guts up, nasty.”

  “Tasty.”

  “You don’t know the half of it. Whatever I was regurgitating actually ate through solid rock.”

  “Shades of Alien.”

  “Tell me about it. No idea why she decided to choose me as her personal food taster, but I wish she hadn’t.”

  Sheila and I shared a knowing glance. Ib was experimenting, trying to modify Ed into her ideal of a perfect vampire. All of the powers and none of the weaknesses, save the one most important to her: susceptibility to compulsion.

  He backed up a step and crossed his arms over his chest. “You guys know something.”

  “Huh?”

  “I’m not a fucking idiot, Bill. The meaningful glance you two just shared was about as subtle as your poker face, which is to say not at all.”

  Goddamn it! “The walls have ears,” I said quietly.

  “Well aware,” he replied. “It’s cool. I just hope it’s something that’ll help get us the fuck out of here.”

  On that, I honestly couldn’t give him an answer.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Have you seen the others?” I asked.

  “Aside from you two and Gan?”

  “Yeah. Tom...”

  “Tom? Wait. What was that shit you were telling me about him being...”

  “A Barbie doll? He got better.”

  “In a manner of speaking,” Sheila added.

  “But yeah, him, and all the others, too. Dave, James, Sally, Christy, Christy’s coven...”

  “Jesus fucking Christ, man, did you let everyone get captured?”

  “Don’t judge me.”

  He lifted a hand and massaged the bridge of his nose. “No offense, Bill, but you seriously suck when it comes to rescues.”

  “Oh yeah? How about when I saved your ass from Remington?”

  “I got bitten.”

  “What about when Vehron thought you were an abomination?”

  “My new car got trashed.”

  “Um, when Turd kidnapped you?”

  “They tore my clothes off, painted me with shit, and then I got captured by Vehron again.”

  “You’re a bit of a negative Nancy, you know that?”

  He turned to Sheila. “At least you’re here.”

  I lowered my voice to a whisper and leaned in. “About that. She’s kinda powerless right now.”

  “Please tell me it wasn’t thanks to you.”

  “Well...”

  He held up a hand. “You really do make switching sides sound like a good idea. To answer your question, though, I haven’t seen anyone else who was captured recently, but this place is huge and packed. It’s like trying to pick someone out of the crowd on 7th Avenue.”

  “Shit.”

  “That doesn’t mean I can’t speculate. Calibra has her own spot in the inner chamber. It’s where she keeps counsel with her most favored minions and tortures her least. Needless to say, I don’t get too many invites on that first roster, and I’ve been trying my best not to qualify on the second.”

  “What about the vampires she kidnapped?” Sheila asked.

  “Some of the vamps down here are on her side. They swallowed the fucking Kool Aid. As for the rest, she keeps them compelled.” He turned to me. “Pretty sure your friend James is in that latter group.”

  “That would make sense. He’s too powerful to let run loose and probably too valuable as a hostage to kill. Dave?”

  “Firebird has him.”

  “Wait, Firebird?”

  “That redhead from your coven, the one you were always complaining put out for everyone but you.”

  I could feel Sheila’s eyes boring into me. “I know who she is,” I snapped, “and I’ll have you know I was always a perfect gentleman to my coven members. But, uh, anyway, what was that about her having Dave?”

  “Just like I said,” he replied. “Word got out that he was a friend of yours, so Firebird asked if she could keep him as a plaything. I got the sense she was kind of burning you in effigy through him, except I suspect with more fucking than actual fire.”

  “Is he okay?”

  “Haven’t seen him in a while. Don’t know. All I can say for certain is I didn’t bite him.”

  “Lucky you.”

  “Lucky him, too, considering.”

  He had a point. Vampires who could act freely during the day and couldn’t be compelled were dangerous all around. Even those devoted to her would be suspect. Vehron
had spoon fed me some bullshit about how Ib’s teachings were all about freedom. Problem was, there was already a vampire hierarchy in place to be overthrown. Even he had to admit some revisions to their dogma might be necessary until such time as they prevailed.

  “First things first,” I said, lowering my voice, for all the good it would do. “We focus on any friends in immediate danger. Christy managed to piss off Calibra big time. From the sound of things, she isn’t going to be too big on Gan’s continued existence either. And, if Decker has his way, I have a feeling Sally might be in for it, too.”

  “We need to find them all,” Sheila replied.

  “I know, and like Ed said, this place is enormous.”

  “So what do we do?”

  “I hate to say this. It goes against every gamer instinct I have, but I don’t think we have a choice in the matter.” I looked them both in the eye. Sheila was powerless, and we’d gone through so much to find Ed. It wasn’t fair to have to say goodbye so quickly, but it needed to be done.

  “We need to split the party ... again.”

  Seeing the Sights

  “Sally might be with the rest of the compelled vamps,” Ed said. “I’ll check there.”

  His reasoning for going after her was probably slightly less than platonic. However, he knew this place better than us. It would allow him a decent shot at finding out for certain quickly.

  “It’s over that way.” He pointed toward the far end of the cavern.

  “Fair enough.” I turned to Sheila. “You check out this end.”

  “What about you?”

  “I’m heading further in.”

  “I should be the one to...”

  “No!” With her powers at full, she was a paragon of self-assurance, an iron will that could not be overcome. Right now, though, she was just herself. Hell, she actually jumped back at my interruption. “I’ve been here before. I know the way, mostly.”

  “But Calibra is in there somewhere.”

  “Yep, and if she is, I’ll deal with her best I can.” I held up a hand. “At least, until you’re ready.”

  “But I am.”

  “No, you’re not.” She opened her mouth to argue, but I talked over her. “Stick to the rules while you’re searching. Look, but don’t touch unless you absolutely must. If you find our friends and they’re okay, come looking for us. If not...” I glanced down at her sword. “But only if you have to. Keep it sheathed otherwise. If they’re good to their word, they won’t hurt you.”

  “You’re not the boss of me,” she replied.

  “I technically outranked you at Hopskotchgames.”

  “We don’t work there anymore.”

  “Fine. I’m the Freewill and, right now, you’re a puny human. Don’t make me compel you.”

  “You wouldn’t.”

  “Try me.” It was a pathetically idle threat, but she didn’t need to know that.

  We stared each other down for a long moment, but in the end, she looked away first. Oh yeah! Who stared down the Icon? This guy!

  “This conversation isn’t over.” She turned and stalked away.

  I was actually glad to hear that.

  It meant she was planning on living long enough to bitch me out.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It’s not uncommon for me to get that feeling of being watched. Oftentimes, that’s no more than bullshit on my part, except of course when it isn’t. It was quite the opposite here, though. Creatures – Jahabich, humanoids, other things – all passed me by, none of them looking my way. Heck, I tried a friendly “Hi!” a few times to no avail. It was almost like being invisible. At the same time, I knew the second I took a shit without asking permission they’d swarm me mercilessly.

  It really was the perfect prison – the illusion of freedom, but unescapable at the same time. Well, unescapable at the moment. Personally, I was counting on that infamous supernatural arrogance to expose a few cracks in the armor of this place. No idea what I’d do once I found them, but, whatever happened, there would be plenty of chaos to go around.

  For now, though, I was walking through a tunnel that looked sorta familiar – as familiar as tunnels that all looked alike could be anyway. The main thing was, it was headed in the direction I remembered being right.

  As the soft light of the crystals in the wall gave way to a brighter glow from ahead, one that suffused everything with a bloody haze, I found myself rethinking the wisdom of splitting up. I could have used some of Ed’s complaining to lighten the mood. Sheila was still recovering from the effects of the cursed blood, but she had her sword and that made her potentially dangerous.

  The person I was really missing, however, was Sally. We’d walked into nearly every hellacious situation imaginable together. Sure, I’d managed to defeat Vehron without her. Even after that, though, even after proving to myself I could stand alone, it still didn’t mean I wanted to. They say perception is nine-tenths of reality. Well, my perception was that we, as a whole, were greater than the sum of our parts.

  Albeit, Sally did have some tasty parts.

  Yeah, that was more like it. When in doubt, tits will always trump terror.

  Mind you, as I stepped out into the massive cavern, even the thought of luscious breasts wasn’t quite enough to keep my jaw from dropping open in awe.

  “Holy shit.”

  Calibra had been busy. Much like Alexander, it seemed her favorite subject was none other than herself. On the far end, I spied the pool of orange goop – the supposed Source. It colored everything in sight with its glow, giving the place a serious horror movie vibe.

  When last I’d visited, there’d been a time-weathered statue of the White Mother overlooking it. Now, three much newer and larger statues stood around the perimeter. The glow from the pool painted them all a sinister blood red. Fitting, considering what a psycho hell-bitch she’d turned out to be.

  There were even more living pens of Jahabich here. Prisoners of myriad races stood inside of them. A few still looked defiant, but many more appeared to have given up hope.

  Hell’s concentration camp wasn’t the only sight to see, though. Scores of white-robed figures took up almost every space free of Jahabich. The Magi, more than I’d ever seen in one place. Some were chanting, others meditating. Many writhed on the floor, their arms entwined around each other and their robes pushed to the side to allow access to the goodies beneath.

  Ooh, a sorcerer gang bang. Guessing Calibra subscribed to the Thulsa Doom method of doing business. A happily fucking crowd was one less likely to ask questions.

  I wandered a bit closer to one such cluster of half-naked flesh to get a better look ... y’know, to make sure it wasn’t anyone I knew. A witch who was being energetically plowed by some dude’s wizardly staff saw me and hissed in my direction.

  “Works much better when you have fangs, babe,” I replied, quickly retreating before the fireballs could start flying.

  Good job, Bill. Piss off the natives before you’ve managed to cobble together any resistance.

  Now where to start? I glanced around, then stopped as my eyes took in another new addition to the place.

  A massive structure stood on the far end of the cavern away from the pool. It was partially obscured by all the various entities milling around, but my first impression was of the pueblo dwellings I’d read about in American History class. It appeared to be made of the same stone as the rest of the cavern. Where those were squarish in shape, though, this architectural monstrosity was all curves and domes. It didn’t look built so much as melted off the wall and then reformed before it cooled down.

  As I focused on it longer, I realized it looked less like a Native American dwelling and more like some infernal fortress. Dave had once taken us on an adventure through the nine hells, and his description of the city of Dis could have easily applied to this.

  I would definitely need to check that out, assuming I was allowed. If there was one place down here that
looked like it was a seat of power, that was it. Calibra was most likely in there.

  If what Ed had told me was true, then so was Dave ... currently playing muff-slave to Firebird. Some assholes had all the luck.

  Had some of my other friends been brought there as well?

  It was definitely a possibility, but first I needed to check out the holding pens.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  A part of me felt like a kid walking up and down the lines at the dog pound, trying to pick my lost puppy out of the crowd. Most of the holding cells were easy to dismiss, containing things that I was pretty certain I’d never met.

  Last time I’d been here, I’d been one of the attractions, far more focused on escape than sightseeing. Now, I found myself losing focus as I stopped to gawk. I mean, shit, they had a fucking dragon in one – the size and shape of a Tyrannosaurus, but with two sets of wings that looked big enough to attach to the side of a passenger jet. It wasn’t going to be flying anytime soon, though. It was stuck fast to the floor, massive boulders pinning down all four of its wings while a living chain made of Jahabich was wrapped around its neck.

  I wasn’t here to throw peanuts at Smaug, however, so it was with some reluctance I forced myself to turn away and keep moving.

  There! I spied a pen of vamps. Though I didn’t recognize their faces, their uniforms stood out. It was some of the guys Alex had brought to Boston after I’d beaten Vehron. He’d sent them on a search and destroy mission, mostly that latter. They’d been in the process of mercilessly mowing down all the vamps in the Prefect’s chamber when Calibra had made her grand entrance.

  I didn’t actually know these guys from a hole in the wall, but it was nice to finally see something recognizable.

  Things had definitely changed, though. Last time, we’d seen other vampires here too, but they’d been feral. They’d been starved and had turned on each other while their uncaring captors did nothing to stop it. New security protocols had obviously been instituted since then, quite possibly as a result of my meddling. These vamps looked hungry, pale, and gaunt. They’d seen better days. But they weren’t attacking each other. They weren’t doing anything at all, as a matter of fact.

  They stood in precise formation inside the walls of their living cage. It didn’t take a genius to realize they’d been compelled into obedience. Interesting. They’d almost certainly been insulated against betraying the Dracs, but Calibra was no idiot. A neutral compulsion, basically telling one’s victims to do nothing at all, required far less effort. Considering the size of this place and the number of prisoners I’d seen, it made sense. As Gan had told us, even the most powerful vampire in the world could only control so many.