Ruby- Lost & Found

by M. D. Grimm

  "You should remember something, Morgorth."

  "What?" I snapped. He bent down so that we were eyelevel.

  "Just because you were born without love and compassion, and affection, doesn't mean you have to continue living without it."

  Speechless, I watched Aishe walk out of the hut. ***

  Despite Aishe's amazing ability to heal me, I was still sore and had some internal damage that was more critical than the external. I would have to rest before we continued our hunt, and that would give me time to work up the nerve to tell Aishe about the hair disintegrating. I walked slowly and tried not to make sounds of pain, but I could tell that everyone knew what I was feeling.

  The Velorn tribe were dialens, and I enjoyed their company. They knew my reputation and didn't give me much grief. The fact that Aishe told them we were after some asshole sorcerer with a stone probably helped.

  Aishe didn't speak of what Kayl had told him, about his brother. And I didn't ask. He was very quiet and pensive. I hoped Kayl had been lying.

  We were there two days before I told Aishe about the hair disintegrating. He just stared at me with a blank expression before walking off with his bow and arrow. I figured he would blow off some steam by hunting something. I let him. I wasn't going to defend my actions because I had saved both of our asses that day. But the fact was, I had lost our best link to the sorcerer, and therefore to Aishe's successful end to his hakum. For that, I did feel some regret. And guilt.

  I sent a message by querian to Enfernlo. Querian are creatures who resemble payshthas except that they can fit in the palm of my hand and are rainbow colored. I calculated what day it was and discovered that mating season should be ending. I had the outlines of a plan to destroy the sorcerer, but we would need my friend's help. I also asked him to bring any other payshtha interested in putting an arrogant sorcerer in his place. Enfernlo would come -- I had faith in him.

  The querians were speedy things, and I sent the message on the first day I had awakened. He would get it within a day or two. He would be here a day or two after that. I hoped nothing awful happened between now and then.

  "Did you want to help?" A female dialen questioned me in her native tongue. I stood outside next to a wooden table that was loaded with fish, manned by the tall dialen. She held up a very large fish and a wicked knife. I raised an eyebrow.

  "I live to help," I said dryly, using the same language. I'm multi-lingual. In this world, you had to be.

  She grinned, and it made me smile. Her hair was long and black, coming down to just brush her very fine ass. She wore a simple tunic that stopped right above her knees and was belted around a tiny waist. I couldn't tell exactly what age she was, but by the wisdom and years I saw in her eyes, she couldn't be younger than a century old.

  "I am Kai," she said and held out the fish and knife. I grimaced and grabbed them. I knew the rules: the guest-host rules. I basically had to help whenever they asked for it because they were giving me shelter and safety. And I felt obliged, considering my presence put them in danger.

  Which was why on the first day I had awakened, I put up a very effective and complex cloaking spell that basically made us invisible from the sorcerer's eyes or even Rambujek's. But I couldn't keep it up forever; that kind of magick took some major energy, and I had to keep pumping more power into it. I kicked myself for not thinking of it earlier as we started our journey, but I honestly never thought Kayl would unlock so much of the ruby's power so quickly.

  My own arrogance nearly killed me.

  I took the knife and fish and began to gut, silently thanking my mentor for making me do such menial tasks without magick. That old goat had a wicked sense of humor sometimes. He made sure I knew how to do something the "normal" way before teaching me how to do it the "magickal" way.

  I cut, and I gutted, and I went back for more until Kai laughed. "I didn't know you would enjoy gutting fish so much."

  I smiled and shrugged as I grabbed another. "Kind of therapeutic, actually. I'm just imagining the sorcerer and his guts falling onto the ground."

  Kai's eyes sparkled. She touched my arm, and I froze, turning my head very slowly. She leaned forward, and I caught her scent; herbs, bushes, and maybe berries. I realized she was about to kiss me when Aishe called her name in a very angry, snappy voice.

  We both looked over to see Aishe standing not very far away, a deer slung over his shoulder and fury in his eyes.

  "Hands off, Kai." He stalked forward. "You know you smell me on him."

  Before I could open my mouth, Kai shoved me aside and went toe-to-toe with Aishe.

  "Not as much as I would have if you'd officially claimed him," she said sweetly, her eyes shining darkly. "Therefore, he's up for grabs."

  A muscle pulsed in Aishe's jaw. "I would if I was free to, or have you forgotten what my mask means, Kai?"

  I could see the guilt in the female's eyes, and she backed off a little. "You're right, Aishe. I apologize, but can you truly blame me? He smells like one of us."

  "Enough," I threw the knife down on the table where all the fish lay gutted. The mess and the aroma of fish were overwhelming. They both jumped and looked over at me. Fire erupted from my hands, and the wind picked up to snap my jacket around me. I met both of their eyes before speaking.

  "If I wanted to be owned by someone," I said in a soft voice laced with steel, "then I would become a slave. Do not mistake me for a horse up for bids or a piece of meat hanging on the line. I am a mage."

  The fire flared high, and both dialens stumbled back. "I am the harnesser of magick and the forces of Creation. I was born with the power of the cosmos inside me. Never speak of me as if I am less. No one claims me. No one talks of me as if I am not here."

  Since I still couldn't disappear like the sorcerer had done (and did that burn my ass), I called the wind and sped away, fast enough to give the illusion that I had vanished. I moved away from the tribe but kept inside the barrier I had created. I wasn't stupid enough or angry enough to leave safety, I just needed to cool my temper alone.

  I moved the earth, which challenged me and caused me to focus all my energies, leaving me able to think of nothing else. Like being treated like a common whore.

  Furious, I churned the earth, made the trees tremble, made the ground shake and buck and fold, spraying up earth and tearing roots and rocks apart. I continued until my entire body began to tremble from exhaustion, and I knew that I would fall down any second if I didn't stop. Only then did I cease and sit on a log, only then did I focus on breathing and my surroundings. I really had torn up the place, but I was still too angry to care.

  Talked about like I wasn't even there . I knew what that was like. I knew what it was like to have my future, my life decided by someone else, controlled by someone else. In some ways it still was. My choices wouldn’t lead me away from the pattern established by those two who had come before me. No one could escape the Mother's plan.

  No matter how stupid the argument had been, it had triggered dark memories, little seeds of rage that I was never fully able to root out. Seeds that reminded me why I was alone, why I was the way I was, and why I could never be anything else.

  I bowed my head and rested my elbows on my knees. I stared at the ground and struggled to push all that rage down again. I had to bury those seeds once more; I had to bury them deep. I had other problems than my past horrors. I had to get that damn ruby.

  "Morgorth?"

  My eyes narrowed, but I didn't move a muscle. I just sat and allowed Aishe to approach me. I heard him hesitate, his footsteps light, my silence unnerving him. Good, he should be unnerved.

  "I apologize for what I said. I had no right to..." he trailed off, and I stayed silent. "You can be with who you wish to. I just --"

  "You're an idiot," I muttered.

  "What?"

  "I said," I turned around and met his eyes, "you are an idiot. You really think I was interested in Kai? Or Elissya? I saw the jealousy in your eyes even then, Aishe. But wha
t gives you the right to have that jealousy? You really think I'm interested in you? You really think I want any of you?"

  I stood up. "I'm here, with you, to get that fucking stone back. I want Rambujek. You are with me to get the sorcerer, to kill him. As soon as that's over, we forget about each other. That's it, that's all. That's the extent of our association. Whatever lies and delusions you told yourself and created, I'm bursting them."

  I stalked past him, ignoring the painful punch in my stomach when I saw the tears build up in his eyes.

  "Come on. Supper's soon." I kept walking and eventually heard him follow slowly behind me. ***

  We didn't talk at all through supper or after night had fallen. A large bonfire was built, and the entire tribe gathered around it. They danced and sang and told stories. I stood away from the rest, away from the fire, brooding and rubbing my stomach. The cramp was still there, had been there since I'd let loose on Aishe. I couldn't eat and doubted I would sleep. The heat of the fire caressed my skin as the smoke rose up among the branches and reached desperately for the stars. Shadows flickered around the dancers and over the creatures playing on the branches above. I knew the seehirts would be repairing the damage I had created. I found it odd that I felt no remorse for my loss of temper. But when had I ever felt remorse?

  I hadn't felt it when I first killed. I still felt nothing.

  Three female dialen ended their song, and there was a lapse of silence before the instruments were struck up again. The first note that the new singer sung made me look up. And I could only stare. Aishe was singing, his voice strong and melodic and fucking haunting. It was slow and solemn, and the language used was an older dialect of one of the dialen languages that I didn't even know. But I listened, and the cramp in my stomach became more painful. Aishe stood in front of the bonfire, the flames dancing off his eyes, and at that moment, nothing else existed, only him and me.

  Then his eyes met mine, and I felt seared to the bone. His soul was in his eyes, and I felt my breath back up in my lungs. I felt hexed, bewitched. Trapped. But I didn't want to escape, I wanted to stay, I wanted to stay and look and listen and forget.

  Our gazes never shifted through the entire song, and at the end I finally acknowledged something I had feared since meeting Aishe. Since saving his life, hearing his laugh, and admiring his strength and loyalty.

  I had fallen in love.

  Chapter Eleven

  Years before

  I sat in the parlor with my mentor. The fire burned ferociously in the hearth, and the rug was soft under my bare feet. I sank in the plush chairs he seemed to delight in and glanced over at my mentor, his face weathered and bearded but still strong and proud. I may have liked him more than anyone else in my life, but even he wanted something from me. He wanted to teach me magick, sure, but it wasn't because he was a nice guy or anything like that. He told me that he would instruct me on magick, how to use and harness it, and I would be able to take revenge on those who had hurt me. I would become powerful, and no one would ever bother me again. I would never be a victim again. But in return, when I became a powerful mage, he would grow in prestige because I was his student. My magick would reflect on him and would make him seem even more powerful, because if I was the student and had this much magick, how powerful would my master be?

  I had agreed because we both got something out of the arrangement. And I wanted to learn magick. I had to learn how to control it. What other choice did I have?

  But there was one thing that had nothing to do with magick that I was most curious about.

  "Master Ulezander? What is love?" I asked.

  My mentor leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, his chin in his hands. He gazed at the fire as he spoke, his voice strong and deep like the foundation of the planet.

  "The emotion that makes you put someone else's needs above your own." He spoke softly, his voice too big for the small parlor. I always wondered why the walls didn't shake when he spoke.

  I frowned, feeling oddly angry. My mentor turned his head from the hearth and stared me right in the eyes. I hated that.

  "If you love someone, you do anything for them. You would do the craziest, stupidest, most dangerous thing you could think of, just for them. To prove to them just how much you love them. You would happily make a fool of yourself, just to see them laugh. Love is attraction, which is the driving force of the universe. Attraction to another being is scary and exciting at the same time. The ones you love become your world. You put them above yourself; you put your needs aside. True love is selfless."

  I absorbed all that in silence, swallowed, and cleared my throat. "I never want to fall in love."

  My mentor chuckled darkly, and I felt a chill go down my spine. "Lad, you don't have much say in the matter. You don't choose to fall in love. It just happens."

  Fear threatened to choke me. "Doesn't...doesn't that make you vulnerable? Doesn't the one you love become your weakness?" I asked softly.

  He nodded. "But, most often, it's worth the risk."

  I shook my head. No, it wasn't. I had been vulnerable before. I would never be again. Ever. Not for anyone. No one was worthy enough, special enough, to become my weakness.

  ***

  Or so I thought then, when I was still a young lad, learning how to be a true mage. The damn old

  grump was right. I wanted to kill the sorcerer, not because of what he had done to me, not even because of the damn stone, but because of what he had done to Aishe. I wanted vengeance...for the dialen. My selfish wants didn't seem all that important anymore. I turned my head and looked across the short distance between our beds in the hut and watched Aishe sleep. I felt the same fear I had felt then. He was precious to me, and that made me vulnerable. It made me weak. The very thought of harm coming to him made me want to destroy every creature in all the worlds, just to make sure they would not harm him. This wasn't right. I couldn't live like this. I shouldn't love him.

  If I loved him...and if I turned into a monster... I would destroy him. To protect him, I had to let him go. I had to get as far away from him as possible. That was easier said than done. I liked being with him. I had tried to avoid this connection by living isolated, in a deadly forest, in a fortified castle.

  I turned away from Aishe and stared at the ceiling, knowing I wouldn't sleep, knowing that I wouldn't know how to act around him anymore, not that I really did before. Why did he have to sing? Why did he have to exist at all?

  I clenched my eyes closed, curled up and thought of spells, of words of power, chanting them in my head but not giving them power to manifest. Memory was essential to working magick. Remembering the spells and chants at a critical life-and-death moment was important to living. You couldn't very well walk around with a manual or a grimoire with all your spells in them. Even if you could, it's not like your opponent was going to wait while you figured out the right spell to invoke. No way in hell. You'd be flambéed before you flipped to the right page.

  The hoot of an owl startled me, and I cracked open an eye. I rolled over and faced the wall, glaring at it.

  "I miss my tribe."

  I jerked violently when Aishe's voice cut through the soft sounds of the forest.

  "I want revenge. Justice," he continued, speaking into the dark. How did he know I was awake? "Is there any way to find the sorcerer, Morgorth? Please tell me you have something."

  "I'll find a way, Aishe," I said, my voice heavy since my throat decided to shut. "I promise."

  For you, I will find a way.

  "I'm working on a plan." I told him the rough sketch I had in my head. His silence only deepened the night, and I actually feared that I had disappointed him. I thought it was a good plan, as good as any could be in this fucked up situation.

  "Be honest with me." Aishe's voice sounded even deeper and more resonant in the quiet and the dark. "Does that plan have any possibility of working? What if Enfernlo says no?" I heard the worry and doubt in his voice.

  "He won't."
<
br />   "But --"

  "He won't," I insisted. "I'm asking you to trust me, Aishe. I'm in this until the bitter end. I don't have many friends, and the ones I do are dependable. En will help; he'll want a piece of this. My word."

  "You seem to be giving me your word a lot lately."

  I looked over at Aishe in the dark, and his pale skin seemed to glow, just a little, in the dark of the hut.

  "I don't give it unless I'm sure I can keep it." There was some more silence before Aishe spoke again.

  "You haven't asked about...Eulun," he said softly.

  "No. Not my business."

  "Whether it's true or not, I can't believe it. I just can't, so I won't."

  I stared at the ceiling. "Is it that simple? You just believe something and it becomes true, or you don't believe in something and it becomes false?"

  "Not usually." Aishe sighed. "But he was my brother. I just can't believe he would betray his own family, his blood, for power."

  I bit my tongue to keep from speaking. I thought of my father, my own brothers, and I knew that just because blood was shared, it didn't mean there was any loyalty. Any love.

  "Can I ask you to give me your word on something else?" Aishe said softly.

  I frowned. "You can ask."

  "I remember what you said about...us, and I know what you've been saying. But after this is over, and my tribe is put to rest, I want a chance. I want to be with you for a week, Morgorth. One week is all I ask to prove to you that I'm good for you."

  I didn't know what to say. What he asked was reasonable if I wasn't already deep in the love pit. How could I be with him for a week, at my home, without giving in and touching him? And what would I do when he left me? Damn the stars!

  "How about this," I said. "I know we've met before, Aishe. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. But I don't remember. If I agree to your proposal, you have to tell me where we met and when."

  His response was what I predicted it would be. "I can't, Morgorth."

  "Why?"