by Jon Scieszka
And he was so right.
Because sure enough, two seconds later, an entire herd of elephants pounded down the streets on either side of P.S. 858. Broad gray ears flapping, trunks swaying, the elephants stormed into the playground and surrounded the stage. A mom clown and a baby clown waved from the top of the lead elephant. A dad clown with giant green shoes waved from another.
The elephants rocked and boomed their subsonic pulses in unison.
The graduation crowd liked this new addition to the ceremony/play. They clapped and cheered.
The chief looked a little freaked out. “So you contacted the E-lephant network. Big deal. You will need more than that.”
And at exactly that moment a dark red swarm of color welled up over the back of the stage and swirled around the Red-Hot Ray.
“Ants!” said kindergartner Hugo, because he had just read about them in his science book. “Army ants!”
And Hugo was right.
Army ants, millions of them, swarmed up and over the Red-Hot Ray. Up and all over the surrounding trees. A lady dressed like a scientific explorer climbed onstage with the ants and hugged the doughnut.
“Ha!” yelled the chief. “The Anternet. So what? My Red-Hot Ray is still more powerful than your networks combined!”
And that was also exactly right . . . at least until the whales showed up.
Because that is what happened next: The whales showed up.
Wait a minute,” said a third grader in the graduation audience, saying exactly what you are thinking. “Whales can’t just show up over a school playground in the middle of Brooklyn.”
“Then what are those?” said the third grader’s best friend, pointing to the crowd of whales drifting above the P.S. 858 playground like huge black clouds with streaks of white in the bright blue sky.
“Bweeeeoooooooo weeeeeeeooooooooo weeeeoooweee we weeee wwoooo,” sang the whales.
The whales floated like giant living zeppelins. They were powered by unlikely, but not impossible, forces made by linking nerve cell energy to repel gravitational forces and amplify both solar and sonar energy . . . understood by no one at the P.S. 858 graduation except Jennifer.
“The World Wide Whale?” said the chief, now looking a bit more panicked.
“The World Wide Whale,” said Michael K. “And we networked everyone together with our very own spaceheadz.com.”
“Wee eeek eeek eee eee. Eeeek eeekeee weee eee eeeek,” said Major Fluffy.
“Of course,” said Bob.
“STRONGER THAN DIRT!” said Jennifer.
Michael K. waved to his mom and dad and baby sister on the elephants.
The elephants thrummed, “Whooom whooom whooom.”
Michael K. gave the thumbs-up sign to Agent Hot Magenta.
The ants clicked and tapped, “Klaaak klaaak klaaak.”
Michael K. saluted overhead to the DarkWave X agents and their whales.
The whales sang, “Bweooooo weoooo weoooo.”
The chief grabbed the handles of his Red-Hot Ray and aimed the power wave at the floating whales.
Michael K. dived across the stage, tackled the chief, and knocked him to the ground.
The Red-Hot Ray blast spun wildly in the sky.
The triple elephant/whale/ant wave grew and swelled alongside the wave still streaming from the Red-Hot Ray.
Bob grabbed the graduation microphone and started chanting, “SPHDZ for life, SPHDZ for life, SPHDZ for life . . .”
TJ, Venus, and Jennifer joined in. “Spaceheadz for life, Spaceheadz for life, Spaceheadz for life . . .”
The elephants stamped in time.
The ants bobbed and clicked.
The whales swirled in midair circles.
The triple wave grew larger and stronger.
The graduation crowd added their voices: “Spaceheadz for life, Spaceheadz for life, Spaceheadz for life . . .”
“Nooooooooo!” yelled the chief, struggling in Michael K.’s headlock.
The Spaceheadz for life wave snaked around and through the chief’s Red-Hot Ray wave.
Waves collided and canceled.
Waves built and grew.
The earth itself seemed to slow and shake for a minute, and then . . .
BAM!
KABOOM!
A flash so bright everything went white.
Just before everything went black.
This just in at our Channel Four News Center,” said the man in the suit coat on TV. “A huge beam of energy was tracked coming out of New York City today.
“Scientists first thought it was a solar flare.
“But they quickly determined that the energy beam was moving away from Earth.
“And then, stranger still, an even larger beam formed. . . .
“It intercepted the first beam . . .
“And scattered both beams in a massive bam! and kaboom! that spelled out this mysterious message across the stratosphere:
“Scientists are now saying they have absolutely no idea what this was. But it’s gone now. So don’t worry.”
The man in the suit coat shuffled his papers.
“In other news—residents of Brooklyn have been calling in sightings of a herd of elephants, a swarm of army ants, and a pod of whales. Now, that is just not possible. So we are not reporting that.”
Michael K. sat at his desk in room 501-B of P.S. 858. Right where it all started. And now right where it was all ending.
They were all Spaceheadz now.
Bob packed his My Little Pony collection into his Dora the Explorer backpack. Jennifer gathered up a backpack full of her favorite-flavored colored pencils. Major Fluffy took one more spin on his hamster wheel.
Venus, messing with her laptop as usual, called up www.imsuregladthatdidnthappen.com.
She typed in the password: CHIEF PRINCIPAL.
She and TJ watched the waves from the Red-Hot Ray cover Gonf and then . . .
“Yikes,” said TJ.
“You can say that again,” said Venus.
“Yikes,” said Bob.
Venus and TJ laughed.
Mrs. Halley took down the last of her dog decorations from the bulletin board. “I’m so glad to see you kids one more time before we all disappear.”
“The Spaceheadz are leaving,” said Michael K. “They wanted to pack up a few supplies to take back to their planet . . . I mean, country.”
Michael K. handed Mrs. Halley a black poodle.
“That’s so nice,” said Mrs. Halley. “I’m sure they will be very happy to get back to Bulgaria. It’s been quite a year.”
Michael K. thought about correcting Mrs. Halley, explaining the Spaceheadz, their planet, and their crazy mission. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, it has.”
“And I am going to be happy to get to my retirement spot. It’s a wonderfully quiet spot in Nevada. With a very simple address to remember: Area Fifty-one.”
“Squeee eerea eee ee ee?” said Major Fluffy.
“Perfect,” said Venus.
“News from HQ!” said Jennifer, holding up her Nintendo Game Boy communicator.
The screen flashed:
Congratulations, SPHDZ.
MISSION SUCCESS!
The Game Boy burst into the Super Mario Bros. song.
“And even more free range!” said Bob.
The screen flashed:
Your SPHDZ 4 LIFE wave reached home planet.
General Accounting was instantly channel-changed.
New commander: GENERAL FLUFFY!
More of the Super Mario Bros. song bleeped and blooped.
Michael K. smiled. “You have got to be—”
“BEEEEEEEEP!” interrupted the classroom loudspeaker. “Michael K. and Spaceheadz Bob, Jennifer, and Fluffy report to the principal’s office immediately,” said the voice of the school nurse.
And before anyone could freak out or ask questions, Nurse Dominique added, “You have a visitor. Level Gold Red.”
Michael K., Venus, and TJ walked the empty halls o
f P.S. 858 with their Spaceheadz pals.
“What the heck is Level Gold Red?” said Venus.
“Very top,” said Bob.
“Extra-hot,” said Jennifer.
“Eeeee squeee,” said General Fluffy.
Nurse Dominique met them at the door to the main office. She squeezed everyone into one of her giant hugs.
“We are so proud of all of you,” said Nurse D.
Michael K. realized Nurse D. knew a lot more than he had ever thought she did.
“Now, look sharp. Come on, come on. You’ve got special people waiting on you.”
Nurse D. hustled them through the office and into the principal’s office.
With the lights off and the shades down, Michael K. and the Spaceheadz couldn’t see much more than the outline of three shapes behind the desk.
“Michael K.,” said a deep voice. “You are a hero to your school, your country, and your planet. Because this is such a sensitive matter, with kids and hamsters and what have you from other worlds, we cannot let the public know about this. But I did want to give you my official presidential congratulations.”
The tall shadow in the middle extended his hand.
Michael K. shook it. And he could have sworn the guy had just said “presidential congratulations.”
“This will not go on public record, but your mom and dad and baby sister are now Top Clearance ZIA. Team DarkWave X will head the new NNA—Natural Networks Agency. And the new head of the AAA and I would also like to present you with something . . . and ask you for a bit of help.”
Michael K.’s eyes adjusted to the dim light. He saw a woman with long blond hair step around the desk, followed by a giant taco.
“Agent Umber? You are the new head of the AAA?”
The giant taco laughed. “No way. I would never want that job. I am just a giant taco,” said the giant taco. “Here is the new head of the AAA.”
Agent Hot Magenta stepped forward and pinned small silver Earth pins on Venus, TJ, Bob, and Jennifer. She tucked one into Fluffy’s paw.
“For your good works in protecting and serving—”
“And always looking up,” added the giant taco.
“You are now lifetime agents of the AAA,” said Chief Hot Magenta. She pulled out a familiar snow globe. Except now, instead of being filled with the blue sparking Spaceheadz Brainwave, it held the one small, angry red pulse that used to be the chief, pinging off the sides like mad.
“And we will need your help. We need you to keep your Spaceheadz for Life network powered up, and to keep this bad Spaceheadz in his place. Can you do that?”
“Yes, sir,” answered Venus. “We are all Spaceheadz for life.”
Nurse Dominique took the globe. “Oh, I got a spot on my desk for this bad energy.”
“Thank you, Chief Hot Magenta,” added Venus. “But it’s a little awkward being Anti-Alien agents. We really like our alien pals.”
“Take a look at your AAA card,” said Chief Hot Magenta with a smile.
Venus read her new AAA card aloud: “ ‘AAA—the Alien Assistance Agency.’ Perfect.”
“And Michael K.,” said the president—because yes, it really was the president—standing up to go. “You may choose any branch of service you want. Any title or job is yours. You saved the world. You really can do anything. Just let me know what it is you choose.”
Michael K. didn’t know what to say.
“And let me also say,” continued the president, “I hereby officially graduate all of you to sixth grade.”
And then the president was out the door and out of school like he had never been there.
Michael K. and Venus and TJ stood on the empty playground facing Bob and Jennifer.
The wrecked IWANT Pulsar sat in the trash by the monkey bars.
Bob held General Fluffy.
Jennifer held the Spaceheadz Wave-Changer remote.
Michael K. wasn’t quite sure what you say to friends who are headed off to another planet. Good-bye? Good warp? Good luck?
Venus gave everyone a hug.
So TJ and Michael K. did the same.
Michael K. was sad to see his pals from another planet go. But he was also kind of glad. They were a lot of work. But at least maybe he had helped them learn something about the power of their own minds.
“Stay ultrafresh,” said Bob, waving.
“Stay ultrasoft,” said Jennifer, showing her extra roll of Charmin toilet paper.
Or maybe not.
“Eeee eeek,” said General Fluffy. He gave one final salute.
“SPHDZ 4 life!’ ” translated both Bob and Jennifer.
Jennifer pressed the change channel button on the Spaceheadz remote.
The shapes of Bob, Jennifer, and Fluffy blurred, scrambled into balls of energy, and winked out.
Michael K., Venus, and TJ stared at the empty spot at the bottom of the playground slide where the Spaceheadz had just been standing.
“Well, that was not very impressive,” said Venus.
“Would have been cooler if they had a really nice saucer or spaceship,” said TJ.
“Wow,” said Michael K.
He felt kind of empty, a little bit disconnected.
Venus gave him a soft punch in the arm.
“Nice work, Michael K. You saved the world. Now what are you going to do?”
Michael K. looked up into the sky. He couldn’t see any stars or planets. But he knew they were up there and out there.
Michael K. thought about all of the Spaceheadz craziness of the last year.
Michael K. thought about networks and connections, webs and circles, herds and flocks, enemies and friends.
The smallest electrical pulse fired across a complicated network of Michael K.’s brain cells.
This pulse produced a thought.
“You know what I’m going to do?” said Michael K. “First I’m going to have a great summer vacation.”
Michael K. looked at Venus and TJ, his real friends.
“And then I am going to take on the hardest job. I’m going to be a sixth grader.”
The ants marched.
The elephants trumpeted.
The whales sang.
And for the first time in a long time, the earth turned peacefully in its orbit, protected by its always-growing network of connected
“SPHDZ 4 life!’ ”
SIMON & SCHUSTER BOOKS FOR YOUNG READERS
An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division
1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Text copyright © 2013 by JRS Worldwide LLC
Illustrations copyright © 2013 by Shane Prigmore
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.
SIMON & SCHUSTER BOOKS FOR YOUNG READERS is a trademark of Simon & Schuster, Inc. • The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event, contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com. • Also available in a Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers paperback edition • Book design by Dan Potash • The text for this book is set in Joppa. • The illustrations for this book are rendered digitally. • First Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers hardcover edition October 2013
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Scieszka, Jon.
SPHDZ 4 Life! / by Jon Scieszka ; illustrated by Shane Prigmore ;
extra-hot flavor by Casey Scieszka ; sizzlin' cinnamon added by Steven Weinberg. — First edition.
pages cm. — (Spaceheadz)
Summar
y: With a mysterious new principal and fifth-grade graduation fast approaching, will Michael K. and his friends be able to find the missing Brainwave before the chief of the Anti-Alien Agency uses it to destroy a planet?
ISBN 978-1-4169-7957-9 (hardcover : alk. paper)
ISBN 978-1-4169-7958-6 (pbk. : alk. paper)
ISBN 978-1-4424-1297-2 (eBook) [1. Extraterrestrial beings—Fiction. 2. Brainwashing—Fiction. 3. Schools—Fiction. 4. Spies—Fiction. 5. Friendship—Fiction. 6. Family life—New York (State)—New York—Fiction. 7. Brooklyn (New York, N.Y.)—Fiction.] I. Scieszka, Casey. II. Weinberg, Steven. III. Title.
PZ7.S41267Snp 2013
[Fic]—dc23
2012040116
