Never Enough

by Elliott, Kelly

  When it finally came to blows between me and Dirk, fighting over her, we’d told her she needed to make a choice. She knew she had to pick one of us. She picked me.

  I had won and had taken Kaci from my best friend, even though I knew he loved her more than I ever could. But I was a selfish bastard and couldn’t walk away from her. I was happy she’d picked me over Dirk and didn’t regret for one minute marrying her. Even though everyone told us we were too young to get married.

  It wasn’t like I didn’t love Kaci. I did. And I knew she loved me; why else would she have picked me? But I also knew how much Dirk loved her. He had a terrible way of showing her, though, and in the end, it cost him. I knew how to be romantic, while Dirk fumbled with his words. At least he had back then. Kaci only saw that side of me. The side that fantasized right along with her about the life we would have.

  Something had always been missing between me and Kaci, though. It didn’t take us long after we got married to realize it. An emptiness hung between us, and neither of us could figure out what was causing it. We’d thought we could make it better by having a baby. It hadn’t helped that I ignored one of the main reasons we were having troubles. Bull riding. It wasn’t something I was willing to give up for her. At the time, I hadn’t realized how selfish that made me. Bull riding was my life, and in my mind, Kaci had known it was my life when we got married.

  But Dirk was ready to give up professional bull riding for her, and I knew now he probably would have made her happier than I ever could.

  A part of me would always regret that I didn’t love her enough to put her first, like Dirk would have. The guilt of that ate at me constantly. Dirk never showed any bitterness toward me or Kaci, and I knew it was because he’d respected her decision. He was the true meaning of loyalty and friendship.

  I glanced over to him. He seemed lost in thought, just like I was. I’d bet a million dollars he was thinking about her too.

  I’d hurt Dirk not only once, but twice. Our friendship had been tested by one simple decision I’d made five years ago. A decision that had been haunting my dreams nightly since. Had our small town whispering behind my back, even to this day.

  “You boys ready to kick some ass tonight?” Lloyd Webster asked, stopping directly in front of us.

  I forced a smile for one of my biggest sponsors. If I rode well tonight, I’d make him one very happy man. It would show up in my wallet as well. An endorsement with Wrangler was nothing to take lightly. As long as I stayed number one on the tour, I was golden.

  “Yes, sir,” I answered, pushing my hand out to shake his.

  “That’s what I want to hear. Let’s keep that number one ranking, son.”

  Lloyd focused on Dirk. “I have a feeling your run of bad luck ends tonight in Tacoma, Dirk.”

  “Let’s hope so.”

  “You drew a good one,” Lloyd added, giving Dirk a wink.

  A smile grew over Dirk’s face. He’d drawn Lucky Charm. He hadn’t been ridden in his last ten outs.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket. I reached in and answered without even looking. “Hello?”

  “So, you never did tell me who day two’s draw was.”

  Ty. I should have known.

  My brother used to go on tour with me a few years back until an accident landed him in the hospital for an extended amount of time. When they told him he’d never be able to ride a bull again, you might as well have told him he’d died that day. His entire world came to an abrupt stop.

  The doctors at first hadn’t thought Ty would even walk again. He proved them wrong. He walked after just one month in physical therapy. That one victory came at a cost, though. Ty hit the bottle for months and then suffered with an addiction to pain pills that few knew about.

  It gutted me when I’d realized I hadn’t seen the signs. That none of us had seen the signs. When our parents found out, they got him the help he needed, but it was a long road for all of us. After a tenuous few months, Ty had cleaned up, and he worked the family cattle ranch now. I was so damn proud of my brother. I knew it had to be hard for him to fight that addiction, and I also knew it was always something he would struggle with in the back of his mind. No matter what, I’d be there for him.

  “Well?”

  Ty pulled me back to the present.

  “I got Hornet’s Nest.”

  The bastard laughed. “Oh, hell. Don’t let him throw you after the first two seconds.”

  I ignored his jab at me, since I was already frustrated with him for telling Blayze he’d teach him to rope. “That’s the plan,” I said. “You tell Blayze you’d teach him to rope?” I knew he could hear the frustration in my voice.

  “I might have mentioned it.”

  “Why would you do that, Ty? I’m going to teach him when I come home.”

  “Well, he wanted to learn, so I offered. Besides, you’ve been gone for a few weeks.”

  Anger raced through my veins at the thought of Ty showing Blayze to do something he damn well knew I’d wanted to do. The fact that he was throwing my career in my face added to how pissed off I was. “I don’t see where that’s any of your damn business, Ty.”

  “Not my business? The hell it isn’t. Mom and Dad are raising your son half the damn time. Hell, I’m raising your son right along with them. I’m the one taking him to Little League on the weekends. Picking him up for Mama when she’s got something she needs to take care of. And what are you doing? Riding a bull week after week. You seem to be more in love with the next eight seconds than you are with the next eight years of your son’s life.”

  A flash of heat hit me hard. It was both anger and guilt mixing together to cause a rage inside of me. A rage I had worked hard at keeping buried deep within. Did he honestly think I didn’t want to be home with my son? That I didn’t lie in bed every night and wish it was me tucking him into his bed? That it was me coaching his Little League team?

  “Seems to me that was your life a few years ago, and you had no problem with it then.”

  “I didn’t have a kid, Brock,” he bit back.

  I pushed my fingers through my brown hair, knowing he was right—and hating it as well.

  “Listen, I get that you got married young. You guys had Blayze in some attempt to make your marriage work. Why you thought a kid would do it, I have no clue.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Ty.”

  He laughed. “Yeah, whatever. I get it, Brock. You’re twenty-seven. You’re having a good time. I’m sure you’re sleeping with a different bunny each night.”

  “I’m not,” I stated.

  Silence filled the line. Then, “Fine. Every other night. But you have a kid back home who needs his father.”

  I swallowed hard. “Then I’ll hire a nanny and bring him with me.”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake. You really want him on the road with you?”

  “What else do you want me to do, Ty? I fly home almost every week when I can. So I’ve been gone an extra week here and there. That is my job. You know that. Stop making me feel guilty for doing something you once loved to do as well. I can’t help the way things turned out.”

  “Screw you, Brock.”

  The line went silent again.

  “I’m sorry,” I finally said.

  Ty sighed. “Dude, I’m sorry too. You’re doing a good job with Blayze, and I . . . hell, I don’t know.”

  It was time for a subject change before we ended the call.

  “So, tell me what’s new back at home.”

  “Damn, dude. That interior designer who bought your place finally showed up, and she was not what I had been expecting.”

  My interest was piqued. “Really? What’s she like?”

  “Hot as hell. A body to die for. Curves like no one’s business. Her friend Kaylee is even hotter. I nearly fell over when the two of them got out of the car. You said it was some interior designer from Atlanta. You didn’t say she was a twenty-seven-year-old knockout who would make the cock of any guy w
ithin fifty yards stand at attention. I mean, the couple of times I talked to her on the phone, she sounded young, but I wasn’t expecting someone so pretty.”

  I laughed. “I didn’t know anything other than she was an interior designer and would be working for Karen Johnson. I didn’t want to know. What does she look like?”

  “Oh hell, dude, she’s just your type. Brown hair, sort of light in color, or she puts that crap in it that makes it look streaked with lighter-colored hair.”

  “Highlights?” I asked.

  “I’m not even going to comment or ask how in the hell you know that’s what it’s called. Anyway, brown hair and green eyes that I swear look like the grass on a spring morning. Her friend Kaylee is blonde, with blue eyes that I’m pretty sure were screaming Take me to bed, Ty.”

  I laughed. My brother would never change.

  “Neither of them is too skinny. You know, like half the women in town who eat nothing but carrots and celery, so they’re sticks. Let’s just say I’d be able to grab a nice handful of ass while either one rode me.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Nice, Ty. Mama would slap the shit out of you if she heard you talking about a woman that way.”

  “Yeah, just like she’d slap the shit out of you if she knew you were shoving your dick down the throat of some girl you didn’t bother asking what her name was.”

  Sex was just a tool I used to let off steam, and not even something I did often. Finding someone to settle down with was not on my radar. I didn’t deserve to find happiness, not after what I did to Kaci. I didn’t want to fall in love. The fear of hurting someone again sat in the back of my head and was a constant reminder that I would probably do it again unknowingly.

  “Listen, I’ve got to go. Have fun with the new chick in town.”

  He laughed. “I think I’m more interested in the friend. Besides, she’s not staying, so it would be perfect. I could screw her and never see her again, except for the occasional time she came to visit Lincoln. Then we could have no-strings-attached sex. Yeah, I’m liking this little plan of mine.”

  What in the hell was wrong with us? It wasn’t just me who was a mess; it was all three of us brothers. Not one of us could commit to a woman . . . all for different reasons.

  “Yeah, well, good luck with that.”

  “No, seriously, though. Lincoln is a nice person, and so is her friend Kaylee. I think you’ll like them both.”

  I was curious about the woman who had bought my house. “Hey, speaking of Lincoln, what did she say about the house?”

  I hadn’t stepped foot in that house in four years and had no desire to ever again. When I’d told my folks I was selling it, I’d thought for sure they’d want it back. They hadn’t, though. They’d told me it was a wedding gift and to do what I wanted with it, so selling it seemed like the best thing.

  “She loved it. I’m pretty sure she’s going to change some things, though. With her being into decorating and all.”

  I frowned. “Kaci decorated it.”

  There was silence for a few moments before Ty cleared his throat. “Well, to be fair, she doesn’t know the backstory, and you can’t honestly expect her to never change anything.”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “You don’t regret selling it, do you?”

  “Nah, I was never going to live there again. Listen, I’ve got to run. Tell Mama and Dad I said hey and kiss Blayze for me. TV on so he can watch me ride?”

  “Yeah, you know it’s on. Will do, baby brother. Stay safe.”

  After we said our goodbyes, I hit end and stared at my phone. That familiar ache was starting to take hold of my chest. Only this time, I didn’t know where that ache stemmed from . . . Ty riding my ass about Blayze, or from the memories assaulting me over the sale of my and Kaci’s home. Either way, I didn’t like it one bit.

  Chapter Four

  BROCK

  “You’ve got this,” Dirk said, pulling on the bull rope while trying to push Hornet’s Nest to move.

  “Yeah,” I said, getting my hand secure in the rope.

  Hornet’s Nest bucked in the chute, and Rob’s hand, extended in front of me, kept me from hitting the rail while Dirk had ahold of my vest. Rob worked for the stock contractor who owned Hornet’s Nest.

  Once the bastard calmed down, I got myself adjusted, took a quick breath, said my normal prayer, and nodded.

  The gateman pulled the gate open, and Hornet’s Nest took off like a damn rocket. I had expected him to go left, like he always did. I guess today he felt like changing shit up.

  He went right.

  Then, he changed direction. For a moment, I thought I was heading down the well, which was not something I wanted to do. That meant my ass would be on the ground, and this two-thousand-pound beast would surely stomp the shit out of me. Not to mention, I wouldn’t be getting paid.

  I dug my spurs in to get a better grip.

  “Holy shit,” I grumbled as Hornet’s Nest turned back.

  He was all over the place—and I loved it. The feeling of this massive bull under me, fighting just as hard as I was . . . it was the reason I rode. He gave me one hell of a fight, and that had my heart racing with excitement. It never got old, this feeling of adrenaline flowing through my body when I was riding. And nothing compared to it. Nothing was able to make me completely get lost and forget everything. The moment that chute opened and it was just me and the bull, everyone and everything else disappeared. It was a fight to see who could outwit the other, and my goal was to come out on top. Every. Single. Time.

  “That’s it! Give it to me!” I shouted as I finally heard the eight-second buzzer.

  I reached down and pulled my hand free. For good measure, the bull bucked once more as hard as he could, and I went flying. Luck was on my side, though, and I landed damn near on my feet after flipping in the air.

  I pulled off my helmet and threw it as I yelled out in pure excitement.

  Hank, one of the bullfighters, came up and slapped me on the back. “Best ride I’ve seen from you in a long time, dude!”

  Smiling, I nodded and replied, “Thanks, man.”

  When I glanced up and saw my score, I let out a loud-as-hell “Yee-haw!”

  Ninety.

  Making my way through the gate, I got the usual pats on the back, the handshakes, and the “You kicked ass” comments from the other riders.

  Dirk stood there, a huge smile on his face. “Looks like you showed him.”

  I winked. “Now it’s your turn, dickhead.”

  “We’re going to celebrate tonight.”

  I nodded, seeing the sports reporter and camera crew headed my way. “Later,” I said as Dirk looked and laughed while he slapped my back.

  After a quick interview, I made my way to the lockers to call Blayze. I didn’t normally do that, but I had the urge to talk to him after my conversation with Ty.

  “Daddy! You won! You won!”

  Laughing, I replied, “I just got the eight seconds, buddy. I haven’t won yet.”

  “But you will,” he declared.

  I loved how he thought I could do anything. In his eyes, I could never fail.

  I hated that, someday, he’d learn the truth about what I had done to his mother. He’d never forgive me then, never think of me as the superhero who always saved the day.

  “From your lips, buddy.”

  “Uncle Ty said you got lucky.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You tell Uncle Ty to go eat some soap because he tells lies.”

  Blayze laughed. “Daddy! I met a pwetty lady!”

  My stomach dropped. Since when had my son started noticing women as pretty? He was five. They should still be gross, shouldn’t they? “You met a what?”

  “Grams says she’s our new neighbor. She’s pwetty!”

  “Blayze, darlin’, let me talk to your daddy now.”

  “But, Grams, Daddy called to talk to me.”

  My heart started to beat a little faster. He’s growing up quicker than I realized.r />
  “Buddy, let me talk to Grams real quick, and then we’ll finish talking.” I started pacing. I knew I needed to be back at the chutes to help Dirk.

  “Hey, honey. Good ride.”

  “Mama, since when does he notice girls are pretty? I didn’t think that shit happened for another few years.”

  She chuckled. “Calm down, Brock. He’s a little boy, and he’s bound to notice a pretty girl.”

  I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. “Yeah. It just feels like he’s growing up so fast.”

  “He is.”

  There was no doubt I could hear the sadness in her voice. It mirrored the sadness I felt in the middle of my chest. I don’t know what in the hell I’m doing anymore.

  Mom went on talking. “Lincoln stopped by to drop something off that she’d found in one of the closets. She said it was in a hidden compartment that she’d stumbled on. It’s a box, and I think it belonged to Kaci.”

  My breath caught in my throat. “What?”

  “Lincoln said it was in the largest bedroom. I guess she’s making it into a master and taking the wall out to expand it for a bathroom.”

  Irrational anger ripped through me. “She’s knocking down walls? What in the hell?”

  “Brock, you sold the house. You didn’t want it . . . remember?”

  I sighed.

  “Anyway, Blayze was out playing in the tree when I ran into the house to move the laundry, and he got excited when he saw her. He fell from the tree, but he’s okay. We thought maybe he sprained his wrist, but the doctor said he’s fine. Nothing a bit of ice and rest won’t fix.”

  “What was she doing talking to a kid all alone, anyway?”

  “Brock Shaw, you do not talk like that. You don’t even know this woman. Don’t be so mean.”

  Glancing at the clock, I said, “Let me talk to Blayze. I’ve got to get going.”

  Without another word, she put my son back on the line.

  “Daddy! I took a picture with the pwetty new neighbor. I’ll send it to you!”

  I smiled. Good Lord, he had Shaw blood running through him, that was for sure. “Now, don’t be going and falling in love, buddy. You’ve got to keep your options open for kindergarten.”