The Secrets We Keep

by Kimberly Blackadar

I swim back to the shore and return to Mike. “Why are you still here?”

  “You think I’m just gonna’ walk away.”

  “But you didn’t even tell me.”

  “I was gonna’ wait until you got home. I wanted to tell you in person.”

  “You didn’t think I’d find out?”

  He shook his head. “I wasn’t thinking, Cal.” He continues, “We were both wasted.” He looks down at the ground, drawing a line in the sand with his toe, and then he lifts his eyes again. “I’m really sorry, Callie.” It is a genuine, soft apology. “I can’t come up with anything else to say. I was wrong, and I’m so sorry. Can’t you just,” he starts slowly, “find it in your heart to forgive me?”

  “No, Mike, I can’t.”

  “Then why’d you let me kiss you?”

  “For the same reason you kissed Amber. It felt good, but it didn’t mean a damn thing.”

  He winces at the truth but still fights back. “No, it’s different.” He steps forward, resting a hand on my shoulder. “This,” he says, gesturing between us, “is different because we love each other.”

  “No, we don’t.” I fight back—with anger on my side. “Because until today, you never even said it to my face.”

  “That’s because I’m not good at it, okay? I didn’t come from this “I love you” family where we said it all the time.”

  “So?”

  “But I meant it—even if I didn’t come out and say it.”

  “Yeah, well, let me come out and say this: You don’t mean it now, Mike. Maybe you loved me; maybe you didn’t. But it doesn’t matter now.”

  He looks up at me, sadly. “Don’t say that, Cal.”

  “And I don’t,” I start shaking my head, “love you back. Not anymore, Mike.”

  He turns his head and pushes out a breath. Slowly, his eyes slide and meet mine again. “I don’t want this to be over.”

  “Only ‘cause you don’t want to be alone.” I step closer, my voice softening. “And ‘cause it’s hard to say goodbye.”

  “So is this…goodbye?”

  “Yes.”

  “So what was that earlier?” He tucks a corner of his mouth into his cheek. “A goodbye kiss?”

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “Will I ever…see you again?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know, Mike.” I consider our shared friendships. “Our paths will probably cross again.”

  His eyes connect with mine. “You, Landon, and Grant. You guys were like my second family growing up.”

  I look down. “I know.”

  “Could you tell Landon to call me?”

  “Call him yourself.”

  “He won’t answer.”

  Inwardly, I smile. My brother does care about me.

  “Maybe we should just head back,” he suggests, and we start walking back with a noticeable distance between us. I realize now that my love for Mike is dead, buried, with so many other aspects of my life. As we amble up toward our friends, splayed out on towels, Brandon hollers, “You two kiss and make up?”

  Mike answers when we walk closer. “No, we just talked.”

  “Sounds like fun, bro.” Brandon chuckles and Ricky joins in, echoing the stupidity.

  “Stop it, Bran,” Caitlyn says to her boyfriend before she rushes me with a hug. “It’s so good to see you, Callie. You look great—really, really great. Love your hair.” She strokes it with her fingers and holds a strand in her hand. “It’s getting lighter.” Then she steps back. “And I’m so jealous of how tan you are.”

  “Thanks…good to see you too.” We exchange more pleasantries, indicative of our shallow friendship and then resort to more tanning—and gossiping.

  “Tell me—honestly,” Caitlyn begins. Her towel is on my left, and I am sandwiched between the gossiping queens of Riverside High. “How were they?”

  “I think they had been fighting,” Courtney chimes in. “What do you think, Cal?”

  “I think it’s none of our business,” I say.

  Caitlyn makes this sound—something like a cat coughing up a small hair ball. “Of course it’s our business. He’s going off to Georgetown soon, and because of what Austin did to her, she’s heading to Central next year, and I don’t even want to think about that.” She presses her lips together. “But we all know how it’s going to end, don’t we? And it’s not going to be pretty.” She gets quiet. “Just between us, I’ve never liked him.” This isn’t really news. “And do you want to know why?” She gets closer to me. “He’s too good. Too perfect. Like he’s hiding something.” She goes on. “You ever watch those shows where they interview the neighbors of some serial killer, and the people are all like, ‘He was the nicest neighbor in the world. He would do anything for you.’” She gives us a wide-eyed look. “That’s Rob. That nice neighbor.”

  “And you live next door to him,” I say to Courtney with mock horror.

  Courtney adds, “Well, I’ve always wanted to be on the news.”

  Then we both laugh.

  Caitlyn defends her position. “Oh, you may think it’s funny now, but I can read people.”

  I turn. “Yeah, well, read me.”

  She shakes her head. “This is serious.”

  “Nope that is not what I’m thinking all. I’m thinking you’re crazy”

  “Whatever.”

  “Whatever,” I mimic.

  “I’m glad you are back to your old self again,” Caitlyn quips.

  I snicker. “Are you really glad?” I turn my head and face Courtney, and we exchange smiles.

  Then Ricky Sampson lowers himself on top of Courtney and starts doing things to her that people should not do in public.

  “Stop,” Courtney shrieks.

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m seeing someone now.”

  “Like that’s ever stopped us before.”

  “Well, this is different.” Her response surprises everyone, probably even her.

  Ricky gets up and looks at Mike, “Dude, this sucks. Let’s go.”

  Maybe he was right. Last summer, we all went to the beach, flirted and partied. But that was before things changed between all of us. Then I thought about school on Monday and the lunch table.

  Over the years, it went from seven to four.

  But this summer will alter our table even more.

  With Chloe’s transfer to Central High and my move to Tennessee, the lunch table will be down to two—Courtney and Caitlyn—with only a love for gossip in common.

  *****