I Do (Not)

by T L Dasha

  “I would have been more disappointed if either of us had shared his predilections. The world doesn’t need another Alan Craig.”

  Trevor leaned back in his chair, a pleasant look on his face.

  “He loves in his own way, I guess.”

  “Ha! I thought I was supposed to be the diplomatic one.” I chuckled.

  “You still are. I mean, you’re married and in love with your desk clerk, and you still can’t turn down Maria Dresden.”

  I winced just hearing her name.

  “She’s so demanding and aggressive, I couldn’t help thinking this is what it would be like to date you.”

  “Well, Aaron, I’d suggest you clear the air with Jake, and figure out where he stands with this whole thing.” He stood up, and straightened his tie. “Because I don’t intend to pull any punches.”

  I cocked my head back and looked him square in the eye, finally finding my own resolve.

  “I don’t either.”

  Trevor left the room, and I let out a sigh of relief. While the discussion hadn’t gone the way I had hoped, there was a level of comfort in finally having our cards on the table. A comfort I had been denying myself, and a comfort I had been denying Conner. Tomorrow would be the final day of the conference, and I couldn’t stall forever.

  Chapter 11

  Jake Conner

  The world was still dark as I stepped out of my apartment. The sun hadn’t risen on San Francisco, and the sun hadn’t risen on my mood. I sat in silence as I waited for the bus, pulling my coat tightly around my body to keep out the surrounding cold. Liz had stayed with me until after midnight, when we both determined that we had pushed the limits of staying up late on a work night. The bus showed up as it always did, and I took a seat near the back.

  I watched the city pass me by through the window. Even after my whole family moved to Las Vegas, I had chosen to stay in San Francisco, fresh out of school, still hungry for a respectable career in a respectable city. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere, I had thought. What would twenty two year old Jake say to me now? Alone, still a desk clerk, and somehow both married and single at the same time.

  He would probably tell me to move to Las Vegas with Dad and Anna. He’d say ‘How’s that coffee shop on the beach working out for you? That business degree is really paying off.’

  Twenty-two year old Jake is kind of a sarcastic asshole. I shook my head and waved my hand in the air to dismiss my internal argument. The bus dropped me off down the street from the hotel, and I stepped out and began walking toward the entrance. The building towered over the downtown skyline. It was a beautiful building of modern glass walls, revealing those marble floors and high vaulted white ceilings before I even entered the room.

  I pushed through the revolving door, and took a seat at my desk. I rearranged the pen holder, switched out the name plate, and flipped the mouse pad back to the left hand side of the keyboard, putting everything in my usual setup. This should have been mechanical, but today it just reminded me that I didn’t even have my own desk. I spent so much of my life at work, and the space wasn’t even mine. It belonged to Sidney on the weekends. It belonged to Megan at night. From seven to four, I was just borrowing it.

  I took a deep breath before I turned on my computer. The background popped up a breathtaking image of a mountain range in New Zealand. How great would it be to lose myself in those mountains right now? My thoughts were interrupted as a woman approached my desk.

  “Excuse me, can I get my room renewed for a few more days? I’ve decided to stay the weekend, and I would rather get this taken care of now.” That woman from Aaron’s office stood across from me, one hand on her hip, dressed in what must have been a ten thousand dollar pencil skirt.

  “O-of course.” I trained my eyes on the monitor, too nervous to make eye contact. It wasn’t that she was intimidating. Rather, I was terrified of the feelings my eyes might reveal right now. “Room 802. Maria Dresden. Extending through… Monday morning, correct?”

  “That’s correct.” Her tone was dismissive. I finished her renewal, and began printing her confirmation.

  “Oh, that’s right, you’re Jake!” She looked down at me, taking note of my name plate. “You’re Trevor’s boyfriend!”

  I choked on my own saliva just hearing those words placed together. I’m what now?

  “Ah, I should have introduced myself. I’m so sorry. Where are my manners? I’m Maria Dresden. Or I guess you already knew that.” She laughed, extending her hand to make our meeting official. “I’m looking forward to getting to know you on our double date tonight.”

  “I’m sorry, Miss Dresden, I’m not sure what you mean?”

  “… With Aaron and Trevor? Did Trevor not talk to you about it yet?” She looked nearly as perplexed as I was. She shook her head, undeterred “Well, let this be your formal invitation then. I’m sure Trevor will fill you in on the details later.” She gave me the smile of someone who has mastered the art of customer service. Although I couldn’t say if she was faking it for me, or if that’s simply the only kind of smile she knew how to give.

  She headed off to her room, and I sat at my desk, staring at nothing, trying to process what just happened. Trevor Craig is my boyfriend?

  I couldn’t hold in a laugh. Trevor Craig is my boyfriend! Oh that’s great! And a double date with Aaron? Perfect! My husband’s girlfriend is so excited to get to know me!

  “Agh!” I knocked my pen holder off the desk and buried my face in my hands. I’m going to quit. I’m going to quit this stupid job, then I’m going to get on a plane to those mountains in New Zealand, and I’m going to become a monk. Or whatever they have in New Zealand. A kiwi hermit or something. I don’t know. I just know I’m never going to talk to another Craig as long as I live.

  “Little early for a mental breakdown, isn’t it.”

  Speak of the fucking devil.

  “Mr. Craig, how can I help you this morning?” I smiled up at Trevor with a sweetness held together by the last thread of sanity I had left.

  “Whoa.” He took a step back. “I’m ’Mr. Craig’ again? And you already told me what that ‘you’re my favorite person in the whole world’ smile means. Good morning to you, too, Jake Conner.”

  I instantly felt guilty for being so short with him. I let out a sigh to release all the pent up frustration in my chest, before I addressed him again.

  “Sorry. It’s already been a really long morning. How are you, Trevor?”

  He frowned, unsatisfied by my apology.

  “Did my brother talk to you? What happened? You seemed in such good spirits when we parted ways yesterday.”

  “I…” I didn’t know how to proceed. “I guess we’re going on a double date.”

  Trevor averted his eyes for a moment.

  “Yeah, funny story-- I was just coming to tell you all about that…”

  “Were you now? Were you also planning to tell me about how we’re apparently dating?”

  “You’re my chaperone-- and Aaron already has a date. It only made sense that I would invite you. How awkward would it be to go on a double date alone?”

  I let my face fall back into my hands again.

  “So Aaron has a date.” Why did I say that out loud? I didn’t mean to say that out loud.

  “He does.” Trevor watched my expression, as if he was searching for some clue as to how that affected me. “I’m assuming you just met her, since I know he wasn’t the one who told you about this date. Good old pops is basically forcing him to entertain her. Don’t take it personally.”

  I wasn’t sure why he was sticking up for Aaron, but it did make me feel better somehow. Trevor reached over the counter and ruffled my hair.

  “You alright?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Can I… formally ask you to be my date?”

  “It’s my job, isn’t it?”

  “Can I… formally ask you to be my date not professionally?”

  I looked up at him, eyes wide
and confused.

  “What? How can you even ask me that?”

  “I know your relationship with my brother is complicated, but…” Trevor ran a hand through his hair, letting his grip linger behind his head. “Maybe our relationship doesn’t have to be.”

  I didn’t return any emotion. I couldn’t seem to process any. There was no way to make any of this uncomplicated. None. Not his charisma. Not his handsome smile. Not his sense of humor. Not that reassuring way he ruffled my hair. Not the warmth in his eyes.

  I really, really wanted there to be a way though.

  “I can’t. You know I can’t. I don’t…”

  “It’s okay, Jake.” Trevor closed his eyes, not losing the smile on his face. “I understand. But I’m still going to have to ask you to be my date tonight. Even if it’s just for show…”

  “Right. Of course. We can do it for show.” I stood up, and gathered up some papers from my desk. They were just random bulletins-- I hadn’t actually gotten the chance to print out anything useful-- but I needed an excuse to get up. Trevor was making me nervous, and if we continued talking, I don’t know what I would say, or what he could talk me into. “I have to go meet up with your brother for my morning check in. I’ll see you later, Trevor.”

  “Good luck.” He nodded.

  Trevor headed to his room, and I headed toward Aaron’s office.

  But he wasn’t there. Again. I hadn’t gotten to talk to him face to face since he gave me a ride home, and that was starting to feel like a really long time ago. I should have brought up our marriage in the car and gotten it over with. Why are you such a coward, Jake?

  I didn’t want to go back to my desk, and I didn’t want to continue through my day without settling this. I sat by the door and waited. If the boss wanted to complain that I wasn’t doing my job, I’d be right here, waiting for his reprimand.

  I started to doze off, much more quickly than I care to admit. Staying up late last night wasn’t helping me right now. The room slowly sank into darkness.

  “Conner.” My eyes shot back open with a jolt. Aaron Craig knelt in front of me, dressed in a dark gray suit with a black collared shirt that matched his eyes. “Are you alright?”

  “Aaron.” I barely whispered his name. I hadn’t expected to see him so soon, and I hadn’t expected to see him so close to me.

  “I think we have a lot to talk about.” He gave me his hand, and helped raise me back to my feet. I followed him into his office.

  He turned to face me, leaning against his desk. I glanced around the room, determining if I was supposed to sit in a chair, or if there was a spot that I should be standing in, suddenly feeling incredibly self-conscious.

  “This isn’t a meeting. You don’t have to act like my subordinate.” He frowned, looking down for a moment, then meeting my eyes again. I fought with every doubt in my body to hold eye contact, telling myself to be brave. I took a deep breath, and reached into my pocket.

  I squeezed the ring in my hand then held it up.

  “So what happened in Vegas?”

  Aaron smiled. He reached into his pocket, and pulled his own ring into view.

  “The drunk mind is funny, isn’t it?”

  “How much do you remember?” I couldn’t help but wonder how conscious he had been during the whole thing.

  “I was going to ask you the same question.” He sighed.

  “I didn’t even remember running into you that night.”

  “I did remember that much.” He looked hurt. He rolled the ring in his fingers. “We ran into each other at the ‘Secret Desserts.’ You were laughing and having fun. I don’t know how many shots we did, but you were really into doing shots.”

  “That sounds about right.” I couldn’t resist a smirk.

  “It’s a little blurry after that, but it’s been coming back to me in pieces. I know we ended up walking the strip. I know we danced. I know I…” Aaron stopped himself, his eyes dark and downcast. I opted to help him finish his thought.

  “You know you asked me to marry you.”

  “… Yeah.”

  #

  “Marry me, Jake Conner” I held him in my arms, looking down at him like he was the only person who mattered. Maybe he was the only person who mattered. Or maybe that was the whiskey talking. But I couldn’t say for sure that it was.

  “Marry you?” Jake laughed, pulling me down into another kiss. “Like forever?” He kissed me again, this time a little more aggressively, letting his lips linger on mine until our breath intermingled. “Or I guess marriage only has to be for a month or two. I think I could love you for that long.”

  The teasing warmth of his whisper drew me to his mouth again. God, he was irresistible right now.

  “A month or two? I don’t think that’s how it works.” I chuckled, slowly acknowledging his words.

  “Have you ever been married? That’s how my dad does it. Just a few months, then he’s on to the next.” Conner’s grin was curt and mocking as his eyes seemed to play back a slew of weddings in his head. He placed his hands on my shoulders, and let them fall down my biceps, down my forearms, over my wrists, then catching my fingers as he took a step back, holding both of my hands. “I think I could love you for a few months.”

  “I can accept a few months.” I laughed.

  “Maybe longer.” His cheekiness was endearing. Even more so as he looked up at me with that amusement in his glossy blue eyes. “If you keep giving me kisses like that, I might even give you a year.”

  “A whole year? Conner, you’ve already given me four.”

  “Well, now I’ll give you five. Maybe even six! That’s basically forever in Jake years! You lucky bastard.” He released my hands, and twirled around, almost tripping over his own feet. I moved to catch him again, but I barely kept my own footing in doing so. I opted to graciously put us both down on the park bench. He curled up on my lap, resting his head on my chest, rubbing his cheek on my silk tie.

  “Why would a guy like Aaron Craig want to get mixed up with a guy like me?” He pouted under his breath. Every time he spoke my name, a chill ran down my spine, and my heart beat a little faster. Perhaps the alcohol was losing some of its hold, or perhaps I was part of his subconscious, too. “You must be crazy.”

  I put my arm around Conner’s shoulder and squeezed him tightly against me.

  “No, I think you would have to be crazy to get mixed up with a guy like me.”

  “Then maybe we can be crazy together.” He looked up at me, daring me with his eyes. I took his mouth one more time, easily giving in to the provocation.

  I led him to Jasmine’s Jewelers. Conner refused any rings with diamonds or gemstones, large or small.

  “That’s way too expensive.” He shook his head. “Can’t we just get rings out of a vending machine? Oh! Or we can get the kind that have candy on them! I like the strawberry ones, but we’re getting a divorce if you pick grape.”

  “Those won’t even last a few months. I want one that could last forever.”

  “You and your ‘forever.’ Fine. I’ll accept this one.” He pointed to a set of plain platinum bands, displayed in their elegant simplicity behind the glass. “They don’t have anything fancy on them, so they should be good and cheap. I can pay you back later.”

  “Sure, you can pay me back.” Ridiculous. Though, no one could fault his resolve.

  The chapel was empty, save a lanky man with a narrow face who was playing with his phone behind the desk. He looked up at us as we stumbled into the lobby.

  “We will take one wedding, please.” Conner giggled.

  “One wedding, for two.” I corrected, in case the number of participants was unclear.

  “How much have you had to drink.” He raised an eyebrow as I slapped our rings on the counter.

  “All of the drinks. Not one was spared.” He declared, raising a commanding finger for emphasis.

  “Well, then a wedding sounds reasonable enough.” His thin mouth cocked sideways in a smirk. “Th
ese are our different packages.”

  #

  “Why?” Tears began welling up in my eyes. The picture he was painting slowly started to piece itself together in my mind, and I couldn’t deny my own involvement in the affair. I couldn’t even pretend it hadn’t meant anything. My lips quivered just recalling how they had felt against Aaron’s. That taste of whiskey and sugar, the heat, the power…

  “I guess I was drunk.”

  “That’s not an excuse.”

  “Isn’t it? I’m under a lot of pressure to find a match and make my family proud. It makes sense that my drunk subconscious might call for marriage.” He stood up straight, adjusting his tie, but continued looking away. That wasn’t an acceptable answer. I shook my head.

  “But you knew it was me. Your subconscious proposed to ME. Your desk clerk. The clumsy guy who always trips over everything. The one who breaks your expensive vases, and spills his coffee. The same guy who booked you that flight to Miami, Oklahoma instead of Miami, Florida, and locked himself out of the hotel right before his shift.” A lump formed in my throat, but I wasn’t going to let it stand in my way right now. He took a step toward me with each word I threw at him. “That same desk clerk who spent four years trying to be good at a job I never even wanted, just hoping I might one day get noticed by management. That guy who--“

  Aaron caught me mid-sentence and pulled me to him. He wrapped me in a tight hug, with one hand on my back, and the other losing itself in my hair. He nuzzled his face in my soft brown locks, as I sobbed lightly into his chest.

  Somehow that hug felt more intimate than any kiss I had ever experienced. Than any hot and heavy make-out session or any night in bed. The way the heat of his breath tickled my neck, and the way the contours of his cheek pressed into me. I had never wanted so badly for a hug to mean something more.

  He whispered softly into my ear.

  “That guy who won back clients just by being himself, when my negotiation skills had failed. The one who reminds me to smile when I’m struggling through my darkest moments, even when he’s struggling himself. The man with big dreams, who has never given up, no matter how many mistakes he’s made. Someone who I can trust with anything, not because he’s perfect, but because he doesn’t mind that he’s not. I proposed to Jake Conner. A strong, smart, handsome, and dedicated man whose presence alone picks me up when I’m down.”