Be My Light : A BWWM Romance (Make It Marriage Book 4)

by Nia Arthurs

  He’s out there.

  And he’s inside me.

  The restlessness I feel is something dark.

  Something angry.

  Something that burns up with a fiery rage.

  The more I think about what happened to her, the more the darkness spreads.

  She was a kid.

  She had no backup. No protection. No help.

  She was stuck in a nightmare.

  Broken.

  Bruised.

  Alone.

  I love her even more for being a warrior and climbing out of that pit on her own. She’s much, much stronger than she thinks.

  Not that she needs to be so strong with me.

  I promised her that I would never hurt her.

  And I’ll keep that promise until death.

  But someone else needs to die.

  Or at least bleed as much as Ina’s heart did.

  I need her abuser’s head on a platter.

  And I need it yesterday.

  Stalking down the hall, I check the gold plates on the door until I find the right one. My fingers curve over the knob. I turn. Push. Walk in.

  Venus clamors to her feet when she sees me. “Lucas?”

  “Hey.” I shut the door. “You busy?”

  “Depends on what you’re here for.”

  “Ina.”

  “That much I assumed.” She rounds the desk and leans against it. Folding her arms over her chest, she stares me down. “What do you want?”

  “Where is he?”

  “Who?”

  “The guy who hurt her.”

  Her expression shifts in an instant. “Why are you asking?”

  “I need to know.” I’m about to go insane. If I don’t do something, I might just explode.

  Venus looks me up and down. “You’re not what I expected.”

  “And what did you expect?”

  She inhales, eyes on something in the distance. “Do you know why I was so angry when I found out about you, Lucas?”

  “You’re protective of Ina. It’s understandable.”

  “She’s been through too much.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you?” Venus sucks in a deep breath. “Ina and I met at a daycare. I was in the nap room when that monster would...” She shudders. “He would lead her out and take her away. I had nightmares about it. About the sound of her cries. It’s a part of me.”

  “Did he ever… to you?”

  “No.” She shrugs.

  I nod.

  “I was so young when it happened. After, my mom took us and ran to the states. I didn’t remember Ina until she found me five years ago.”

  “She found you?”

  “She wanted me to testify so that prick didn’t get out of jail.”

  I straighten. “So he’s in jail?”

  “He’s dead.”

  All the rage in my body hardens to ice.

  Powerlessness seeps in.

  What am I supposed to do now? I can’t kill a dead man twice.

  I sink into a chair.

  Venus takes the one across from me. “That rage you’re feeling? I get it. I do. The world sucks.”

  “That’s a simple way to put it.”

  “But what you’re going through? It was a hundred times worse for the person who survived it.”

  “Ina.”

  “She’s found a way to deal with the anger and hurt.”

  “I just,” I stretch my fingers, “I wish I could’ve saved her.”

  “You already did.”

  I look up at Venus.

  Her eyes are shining. “The truth is… I didn’t like you because I was afraid you were taking advantage of her. Ina’s never—she’s never had a physical relationship with a man before. And I was afraid she would mistake chemistry for character.”

  “You don’t trust me.”

  “I don’t know you.” She shrugs. “And I have a habit of assuming the worst until proven otherwise.”

  “What changed your mind?”

  “This.” She points to me. “This moment right here. You were about to fly to Belize to beat that monster into the next century.”

  My lips twist into a wry grin. “It was that obvious?”

  “Yeah,” she says glibly.

  “I’m disappointed that I’ll have to cancel my ticket.”

  “His wife is still living in Belize if you want to terrorize someone.”

  “She knew about it?”

  “No, but she defended him until the end even when her husband went to jail. And she tried to run me over with a truck.”

  “What?”

  “That was a while back. About the same time Ina showed up. I was in the middle of the street about to be flattened like a pancake. Ina pushed me out of the way.”

  “She saved your life,” I say, falling in love with her a little more.

  “She’s awesome, right?”

  “More than that.”

  Venus tosses her long, curly hair over her shoulder. “If you hurt her, I’m going to destroy you.”

  “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

  “And,” she stands, “go slow. With the physical part. Usually, I’d be pushing for the opposite, but with Ina…I mean, I know it might be difficult—”

  “I love her.”

  She stops. Stares at me.

  “I’m in it for the long haul. You can trust that.”

  Venus smiles. Offers her hand. “We’re having family dinner on Sunday. Are you busy?”

  “No.”

  “You haven’t lived until you’ve tasted my mother’s stewed chicken and rice and beans.”

  I chuckle. “Sounds great.”

  Venus pulls her hand back. “Thank you, Lucas.”

  “For what?”

  “For finding her.”

  I shake my head. “I’m the one who should be thanking you. You gave her a home and a family here. I hope you guys know how much you mean to her.”

  “I can’t take it anymore. Come give me a hug.” Venus leaps forward and gives me a friendly squeeze.

  I pat her back. Stare at the wall. Let my mind wander back to Ina.

  This isn’t what I came to the Make It Marriage offices to hear.

  I wanted to crush someone’s head beneath my shoes.

  But if there’s nowhere I can vent my anger, I might as well channel it into doing something productive.

  Backing away from Venus, I pull out my cell phone and order Ina’s favorite dish from her favorite restaurant with instructions to deliver to the hospital.

  Then I drive to the nearest florist and buy a dozen roses.

  The flowers fill my car with the fragrance of spring.

  I tap my fingers on the steering wheel as Ina’s favorite over-driven guitar solo shreds my speakers.

  This woman and her musical tastes…

  I guess nobody’s perfect.

  But she’s perfect for me.

  And since I can’t kill the beast who scarred her, I’ll make sure she never forgets that she’s the princess of this story.

  She’s the hero.

  She’s my one and only love.

  And that’s all that matters.

  Twenty-Eight

  Ina

  Dating. Is. Freaking. Amazing.

  Correction. Dating Lucas is freaking amazing.

  I enjoy every moment I’m around him—whether we’re doing something romantic like dinner at a restaurant overlooking a beautiful lake or just hanging out in his shop, cuddled in two beanbags exchanging comics and eating popcorn.

  We’re best friends.

  And I like that.

  He makes me smile. Laugh. Tingle.

  Is that what you call it?

  When he sweeps his hands over my body, I shiver. And get hot. And there’s this insane urge to tear off all my clothes.

  How I ever thought Lucas wasn’t fiery or magnetic is a mystery. The man burns me up from the inside with one, I’m going to make you beg look.

  Yes, I st
ill beg.

  And when I call him Professor…

  Let’s just say that teasing him leads to being teased back.

  I’m sure most women aren’t as fortunate as I am.

  I don’t know how, but I got lucky on my first try.

  Sort of.

  Technically, Lucas hasn’t ‘gotten lucky’ yet.

  Yet being the key word.

  I do plan on taking our relationship to the next level. And that’s mostly because he’s not asking me to.

  I see how careful he’s being. How considerate. How patient. He’s not pushing me to do anything I’m not comfortable with, even if he’s taken to long cold showers and more trips to the gym. Apparently, intense exercise is the only thing that can calm him after I’ve tortured him to oblivion.

  Not that I’m complaining about the gym thing.

  More gym time means more shirtless Lucas. Something I like very much.

  Abs anyone?

  Five years ago, I wouldn’t have conceived the thought of me naked in front of a man. Four weeks ago, it was still a huge challenge. It took an even longer time to get comfortable with Lucas half-dressed.

  And Lucas naked…

  Stiffening in terror and running from the room isn’t the best mood-setter.

  But I’m not the kind of woman who’ll give up.

  And Lucas isn’t the kind of man who’ll give up on me.

  Little by little, I’ve accustomed myself to full exposure.

  It’s a good thing I’m very, um, interested in his body.

  Just his.

  It’s almost clinical, my obsession.

  And when I touch him, it’s not necessarily because I’m trying to get romantic. Sometimes, I just need to remind myself that I can. That I’m at a place where touching my boyfriend, anywhere I want, is not only possible but enjoyable.

  I know I’m driving him crazy.

  But it’s Lucas.

  His self-restraint makes me feel comfortable enough to explore this new side of our relationship.

  I like when he touches me, but I’ve found that I like touching him too.

  Very, very much.

  We’re definitely not shy around each other anymore.

  The fact that I’ve gotten this far is a definite boost to my confidence.

  But that big ‘X’… fourth base… the horizontal tango, if you will, is still a huge mountain for me.

  Every time we’re on the cusps of going there, a door slams in my head and I pull back.

  Every time, Lucas is nothing but understanding.

  His patience makes me hate myself a little more.

  And I insist on trying again another night only to slam against the wall again.

  My therapist warned that I might be pushing myself too hard.

  I don’t think I’m pushing hard enough.

  I want this.

  Lucas wants this.

  We’re doing it.

  Tonight.

  “Are you sure?” Venus asks, handing me a white, lacy scrap of cloth.

  My stomach churns. “Isn’t that a little…?”

  “What?” She holds it up to her eyes. “It’s not sheer enough?”

  “It’s too much.”

  “It’s a thong.” She holds it up to my cheek. “It’ll look good on you.”

  I swat it back. “Can you not?”

  “You’re the one who dragged me here.”

  “Because I can’t…” I pull my lips in, “I don’t know anything about this stuff.”

  She crooks a finger. “Let me tell you a sexy little secret.”

  I lean in.

  She whispers loudly, “Lucas will prefer you naked.”

  “I already know he prefers me naked,” I mumble, shifting through the hangers. “But I wanted to try something new. You know? Like a normal couple.”

  “Wait,” her eyes bug and she hauls me back, “you’ve gone that far?”

  I rub the back of my neck.

  “Ina.”

  “Not all the way.”

  “But?”

  “We’ve tried… stuff.” My cheeks burn even as I admit it.

  This is Venus.

  She’s probably gone way beyond me when it comes to sexual intimacy.

  I feel like a little kid telling Picasso about her cat drawing.

  She blows out a breath, impressed. “Ina, you little freak.”

  “Sh!” I hold a finger to my lips.

  “I thought you two were making major progress when you held hands.”

  “That’s all we did for a long time.”

  “But not anymore.”

  I shake my head.

  She smiles. “So now I can make jokes—”

  “Don’t you dare.” I hold up a hand. “It’s still hard.”

  “You know what else is hard?”

  “Venus!”

  “You walked into that one.”

  “I’m serious. It really wasn’t easy to get this far.” I shrug. “Maybe for other people, but for me… I struggled.”

  “To do what?”

  “Focus on him.” I fold my arms over my chest. “To not think about… you know.”

  Her expression sobers. “You’re killing me.”

  “I’m okay.”

  “You don’t freaking sound like it, Ina.”

  “I’m happy.”

  “Are you?” Venus throws her hands high, drawing my eyes to the posters of rail-thin models in sexy underwear lounging in bed.

  They all look like they’re laughing at me. ‘You can never be this sexy. You can never be this elegantly confident. Loser’.

  Venus’s voice pushes through the haze. “You don’t have to do this.”

  “I want to.”

  “Because of Lucas? Is he pressuring you to—?”

  “No. He’s not like that.”

  She blows out a breath. “I believe you. I just… look, I’m not supposed to say this.”

  I glance at her. “Say what?”

  Brown eyes bore into me. “I know about your nightmares.”

  My breath hitches.

  “I know they’re coming more frequently.”

  “How?” My therapist is the only one I told about the mental strain my physical relationship with Lucas has been putting on me and she’s sworn to patient-therapist confidentiality.

  “Your head nurse at the hospital. She said you’ve been waking up in the break room screaming and crying and pleading with someone not to touch you.” She glances around as if the clerks might be spying on us. “All your coworkers were really scared.”

  That explains why the room always goes quiet when I enter it lately.

  “I’m fine.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  Okay, I’m not.

  Those nightmares…

  They feel so real.

  “You haven’t had those nightmares in over a year.”

  “I’m just stressed. Between Mrs. G and work, it’s a lot.” I move to another rack with animal-themed lingerie. Pick up a cheetah print panty set. Pretend I’m perfectly fine even though my heart is pounding painfully.

  Venus follows me. “You’re a stinkin’ liar.”

  “Thanks for the compliment.”

  She jumps in front of me and snatches a leopard lace set from my hands. “I can’t stand by and just watch anymore.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I’ll tell Lucas.”

  My eyes widen. “No.”

  “If you won’t listen to reason, he will.”

  “It’s none of your business,” I spit.

  Venus stares pleadingly at me. “You’re my family, Ina. I love you. I want the best for you. So does Lucas. Please. Just take a step back before you destroy all the progress you’ve made.”

  “It’s my choice.”

  “I’m not saying that…”

  “If I want to sleep with my boyfriend, I can do that.”

  “Yes, but—”

  “If I want to destroy my life, it’s mine t
o do what I want. How dare you of all people try to lecture me?”

  Her eyes fill with hurt.

  A twinge of regret steals into my chest.

  I stomp it down.

  If I listen to Venus, I’ll never pass that final hurdle.

  I want to be free.

  And sometimes, freedom requires risking it all.

  I stalk back to the row of sheer lingerie and grab the white one Venus originally picked out for me. Moving back to her, I hiss, “If you tell Lucas about my nightmares, I’m never talking to you again.”

  “Ina…”

  Turning away from her, I march to the counter and purchase the stupid panties.

  I’m doing this.

  With Lucas.

  I want to.

  It’s my choice.

  And I’m not letting Venus stop me.

  I’m not letting my therapist stop me.

  And I sure as hell won’t let that twisted piece of scum who stole my innocence when I was seven stop me.

  He lost control over my body a long time ago.

  And I won’t stop until I’ve taken my mind, my soul, my freedom back.

  Twenty-Nine

  Lucas

  “Whoa.” I almost stumble when I walk into my living room that evening and see Ina lounging on the sofa. My eyes devour her outfit—short skirt, tight blouse, twists primed into an elegant up-do. My mouth drops and all that slips out is another, “Whoa.”

  “You’re home.” She smiles.

  My heart stops.

  That smile of hers.

  I’d go to war to protect it.

  She tilts her head. “Did your meeting run over?”

  “Um…”

  Her smirk is knowing. Beguiling.

  She’s tempting me.

  Damn.

  But it’s working.

  “What was the question?”

  She rises from the couch, her sultry eyes fixed on me. “The meeting?”

  “Right. Yeah. It was…” I get another eyeful of her thick thighs. “Wow.”

  I swallow as she laughs softly. “Lucas.”

  “Hm?” My girlfriend is unbelievably hot.

  And there’s fire in her eyes.

  How the hell am I supposed to concentrate on anything else?

  She licks her lips.

  I watch her dark pink tongue swipe her bottom lip.

  Then the top.

  My body buzzes.

  She presses both hands on my shoulder. Pulls me down. Whispers hotly in my ear. “Jonas isn’t coming home tonight.”