by J. H. Croix
Every time I did those talks, I would get wide-eyed looks like I was crazy, then I would tell them my story. I didn’t regret a second of my life with Allie, but I’d give just about anything to somehow fix the enduring loss she experienced where her mother was concerned.
We drove in silence for a few minutes, and then she said, “I’ll be okay.”
“I know you will.” I reached over and gave her ponytail a light tug.
She rolled her eyes when I looked her direction again. “You don’t always have to do that, you know.”
“Ah, now I know you’re feeling better.”
She let out an aggravated sigh. She passed on the grocery store run, so I dropped her off at the house while I went to take care of errands.
That evening as I slowed to turn onto the road that led to my parents’ house, she asked, “Do you know what Gram’s making?”
“No idea. I’m sure it’ll be one of your favorites.”
“You actually make the best spaghetti.”
“I do?” Compliments were few and far between with this one.
“You know you do.”
“It’s because I’m not trying to be healthy about it,” I teased. “Your grandmother likes to keep the cheese to a minimum, but I go crazy with it.”
When I stopped in the circular driveway at my parents’ house, Allie glanced over. “Will you at least think about dating someone? Ever?”
It never ceased to amaze me how my daughter could hold on to a topic for hours. I shrugged.
“I don’t want to pressure you about Maddie even though I think she’s awesome and you guys would make a great couple. But I don’t even think you think about dating. That’s not good for you, Dad,” my daughter said, her brow furrowing as she looked at me seriously.
“I don’t have a lot of time for dating,” I finally said.
She let out another sigh. She was really good at sighs, and being fourteen meant all kinds of sighs. I still didn’t know how to interpret them all. I thought this one meant she was annoyed with me and thought I was kind of stupid.
“You know what I mean. I’m in high school, and I don’t have any memory of you dating anyone.”
“Well, I haven’t,” I said honestly. “I’ve been busy, and I like my life the way it is.”
I knew I was stumbling a little with this, but I didn’t know how to smoothly back out of this conversation.
Allie let out a doozy of a sigh. “Oh, my God. Whatever, Dad.” She climbed out and then paused with her hand on the door as I dropped my keys into the empty cup holder. “I still think Maddie is awesome, and you’re stupid to overlook her.”
After navigating that gauntlet with my daughter, I walked into dinner with my parents. I loved my parents. I even liked my parents, but I should’ve been prepared. I hadn’t even thought about the fact my mother had met Madison when she was at dinner with us. If I thought my daughter was on my case about dating, my mom was even worse.
She made a delicious stir-fry for dinner. Afterward, Allie went upstairs to do some kind of video game thing with her friends. My mother didn’t waste a second of time once Allie was out of earshot. I was enjoying a late evening cup of coffee, and my father was reading the newspaper. He still liked to do it the old-fashioned way with an actual paper.
My mother looked at me from across the table. The second she smiled, I knew she was onto something. “So, Harold’s granddaughter is your new neighbor.” Her voice was bright and casual.
I kept my expression bland, or so I hoped. My head bobbed up and down. “You met her.”
“Madison seems like a lovely girl.”
“She’s very nice,” I commented noncommittally. I heard my father’s paper rustle and looked up to see he had bent the top down and was eyeing me. There was a slight glint in his eyes. He looked from me to my mother.
“I wondered how long it would take you to get to that,” he said to my mother. He went back to reading his paper with a chuckle when I rolled my eyes.
“What?” my mother protested.
“It’s fresh meat for your matchmaking efforts,” he replied without looking up.
“Mom,” I warned. “Don’t even start with this.”
“Honey, I would just like you to find someone. I hate seeing you alone.”
“Mom, I’m not alone. I’m a busy guy with a daughter.”
My mother pursed her lips as she looked over at me. “You use Allie as an excuse.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” I muttered.
“It isn’t necessary to swear,” my mother interjected.
I groaned and took a big gulp of my coffee. “Allie said the same thing,” I finally mumbled. She would talk to my mom about us, so there was no sense in avoiding that.
“She’s a smart girl. And she shouldn’t feel like she’s your excuse.”
“Mom, can we just leave it alone? If I meet someone and it feels right, it’ll happen. I’m sure you’d be the first to say that I shouldn’t rush into anything.”
“Of course, I would say that. But you don’t even amble into anything.” She pursed her lips again, shaking her head in disappointment.
I was so grateful for my parents’ support. Without them, I didn’t know what I would’ve done when Alison bolted when Allie was only a month old. It was tough, really tough, and there had been a tussle for control between Alison’s parents and me. They thought they should have custody. Fortunately, the court didn’t even entertain that idea, but it had been tense, and my parents had been an immense help. They’d also stayed civil with Alison’s parents despite what they’d tried to pull when Allie was a baby.
“Mom, just let it go, okay? Madison’s my neighbor, and it’s good to have a neighbor without any complications.”
My mother ignored me. “I asked Janet what she knew about her.”
My father chuckled, not even moving his paper. “You knew she was going to do reconnaissance for you, right?”
“I did.” I took a breath.
“She seems nice. She’s an actuary. That means she’s smart,” my mother offered. “Janet has nothing but good things to say about her.”
“I know.” I resigned myself to getting through this conversation and wondered what my mom would do if she knew that I already knew Madison really well, biblically speaking, that is.
“Apparently, there were some issues with her family’s company,” my mother was saying.
I couldn’t help it because I was so freaking curious about Madison. “What do you mean?”
My mother’s lips twitched, and a knowing gleam entered her eyes at that. “Her father’s facing charges for fraud, and she refused to cook the books for him. I don’t know if she was actually the whistleblower, but the evidence she provided only bolstered the case against her father when the investigation began. All of her father’s assets are frozen. According to Janet, Harold wasn’t even on speaking terms with her mother, but Madison was close with him. We can overlook what happened with the family.” My mother waved her hand in the air as if she had some kind of say about it.
“Jesus, Mom. You can’t hold her accountable for what her dad did.”
“I know, I know. I didn’t mean to imply otherwise.”
I heard the sound of Allie’s feet coming down the stairs, and I looked at my mother, narrowing my eyes. “Don’t bring up your matchmaking ideas about Madison in front of Allie, please.”
My mother twisted her fingers in front of her lips as if turning a key. “I promise. Whether it’s Madison or someone else, just think about what I said. Allie could use a woman’s influence in her life.”
“She has you,” I said just as Allie came in.
She looked back and forth between us. “What?”
“We’re just talking about planning for the school dance. I’ll be chaperoning,” my mother said.
Damn, my mother was slick sometimes. I’d begged my mom to handle the school dance chaperone gig in my stead. Bless her heart, she’d graciously agreed.
Al
lie shrugged. “Okay. I still think it’s stupid we need chaperones What do they think we’re gonna do?” she pressed.
I thought about what I’d done at my first high school dance and decided to hold my silence on the topic. I didn’t get anybody pregnant until my senior year, but I’d sure been into finding hidden corners to make out any chance I had. School dances were awesome for that.
“Can we go? The controller here is being weird,” Allie said.
I hadn’t even heard my mother’s reply to Allie.
“You got it.” Usually, I might try to get her to hang out with my parents longer, but right now, I wanted to escape my mother’s curiosity.
Once we were driving home, Allie chirped, “I heard Gram talking to you about Madison. See, I’m not the only one.”
Fuck my life.
Chapter Twenty-One
Madison
I resisted the urge to skip on the way out of the building after my interview at the energy company in Anchorage. I was officially hired, and I wanted to jump up and down and scream.
Numbers, lots and lots of numbers, and analysis. I couldn’t freaking wait.
Even better, I didn’t have to worry about hiding everything that happened with my dad. They actually followed up with one of my references who confirmed I’d been helpful in the investigation. They even told me they were pleased to learn I had high ethical standards.
When I finally got into my car, I let out a squeal, punching my fists one at a time into the air before leaning my head against the seat and laughing. I had a job, an actual job. They were completely comfortable with remote work. They only wanted me to come into the office one day a week. That would give me a weekly dose of the city, but otherwise, I didn’t have to worry about a commute.
I was starting in three weeks. They wanted to time my start with a new project. I’d been trying not to dwell on my worries about how my connection to my father’s company would affect my employment prospects. I’d done everything I was supposed to do when it all came crashing down, but it was ugly and messy. I hadn’t wanted to hide it, but I also hadn’t known exactly how to approach it. I’d gone with the only approach that sat well with me, which was to be honest. In the interview, I brought it up myself. I’d been relieved they didn’t try to skirt around it either.
As I started my drive back to Willow Brook, my initial elation gave way to an emotional sense of relief. I cried for a few minutes. All my life, I’d taken so many things for granted, but my financial security had probably been the biggest one. I hadn’t realized what a privilege it was, and I’d been in a sheer panic over the last year.
Not because I thought I deserved to have things handed to me, but because I realized how much I simply expected them to be there. I swiped my tears away and snagged a tissue out of the glove compartment to blow my nose while I drove with one hand.
I glanced over at the empty passenger seat where Wilbur had accompanied me on the drive from Texas to Alaska and laughed through my tears. My little dog was my best friend, but he wasn’t here to listen.
“At least now I have a job,” I said in the silence of the car.
I had a house and a job, and that was all I needed to survive. I only hoped I could make some friends. I really wanted someone to celebrate with. With income in my future, I decided to splurge and go to Firehouse Café. I might even get some food.
I didn’t even have anyone to text, except maybe Graham. Somehow, I doubted he wanted a text from me, but the urge was too powerful. I pulled over at a viewing spot and slipped my phone out of my purse. My thumbs hovered for a moment.
Me: I have a job!
As soon as I hit send, I felt silly. I climbed out of my car because the view was stunning. Every state had viewing spots on highways, but Alaska outdid itself. This one offered a view of Cook Inlet. A seagull called in the air, and I heard what I thought was the call of an eagle, a loud screech. When I looked up and saw the size of the bird flying along the hillside, I knew it was an eagle. They were massive birds.
I swallowed and took a deep breath. My heart was thumping along in my chest. I was still coming down from the high of getting through the interview and getting the job. Maybe now, I could feel competent again. Numbers never lied. They always told the truth. Well, unless someone was manipulating the books like my father.
The sun glittered on the water, like diamonds cast on its surface. I saw a white form rise above the surface before dipping below. Another and then another followed. I knew I was seeing a water creature of some kind, but I didn’t know what.
I watched for a few more minutes and then aimed back for my car. After a quick internet search, my best guess was I’d just seen a pod of Beluga whales. “Wow,” I murmured.
Shaking my head, I started my car. I had a plan. After my little celebration at Firehouse, I would go home and start some homework. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on all the numbers. I was buckling my seat belt when I heard the distinctive vibration of my phone as it rattled against the edge of the console. Reaching down, I lifted it to see Graham had actually replied.
Graham: Congratulations.
He even included a balloon emoticon. I chuckled to myself.
Me: Thank you. I didn’t expect your emoticon savvy.
His reply was swift.
Graham: I have a teenage daughter. I have mastered emoticons.
A high five followed by the winking emoticon came, and my belly swooped. I leaned my head back, feeling a little breathless. I was texting, for crying out loud, texting with this man, and I felt all fluttery inside.
Me: Thank you for humoring me. I know you don’t know me all that well, but it’s kind of a big deal for me to get a job. I’ve been pretty stressed out.
Now I was freaking confessing over text.
Me: I’m sure you’re at work. Sorry to bother you.
Graham: I am at work, but we’re sitting here watching a fire burn.
Me: What?!
Graham: Don’t worry, sweetheart. It’s a controlled burn. Everything’s fine. In fact, it’s kind of boring. Back to your point. I think I know you pretty well, in some ways, that is. ;)
Oh, gawd. My heart practically leaped out of my chest, and my belly spun wildly. Heat blasted through me, and I felt ridiculous.
Me: Um, yes, I suppose you do.
Graham: ;) Congratulations, jobs are good things to have. Can I call on you to help Allie with her math homework?
I was smiling as I replied.
Me: Anytime. I love math. Maybe it makes me a geek, but it’s the truth.
Graham: Excellent. You’re pretty much the opposite of a geek. I bet you were homecoming queen.
When I saw his reply, I knew he was teasing, but my insecurities punched through my giddiness and elation and the fizzy desire that had sparked to life. I had been homecoming queen, and now I knew just how shallow it had been. For me, high school was nothing but trying to pull off being cool and failing inside every step of the way.
I took a deep breath and wished I had a different past. Looking back, it was embarrassing. Not that he was asking me, but I figured I might as well tell him the truth.
Me: I actually was homecoming queen, not because I was the cool girl.
Me: Never mind.
For the first time, he didn’t reply right off. I wished I could see his face because I’d bet he thought that was stupid.
Graham was authentic, in every way. Even though he was handsome as sin, and I was sure all the girls wanted him in high school, he was not the kind of man who would fall for a shallow, silly girl who didn’t know better. After a long moment when I had to watch the little dots taunting me, his reply came in with a buzz.
Graham: I was kidding, but I suppose that shouldn’t shock me. You’re beautiful. Of course, you were homecoming queen. I like you as a math geek better.
For some reason, my eyes stung with tears. My throat felt thick when I swallowed. I was so grateful he wasn’t here to see me falling apart over a stupid text conversatio
n.
Me: I was a terrible homecoming queen, but I’m really good at math. I’ll let you get back to work. Please do text if Allie needs a ride or help with math.
Graham: Talk soon.
He followed that with a series of emoticons, each one more ridiculous than the last, and lightness gusted through me as I laughed.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Madison
A short while later, I looked up at the chalkboard mounted on the wall behind the counter at Firehouse Café.
“Should I try the turkey cranberry brie sandwich or the spinach feta pinwheel?”
I looked at Janet, and she looked back at me, her lips twitching with a smile. “Well, what are you in the mood for? The turkey one is sweeter.”
“I think I’ll take the spinach pinwheel. I love feta. Actually, I love all cheese.”
Janet chuckled and called out my order to whoever was in the kitchen behind her. After that, she prepped me a coffee. “This is the first time you’ve ordered lunch here,” she observed.
“I got a job,” I whispered-shouted as I leaned across the counter, unable to keep my lips from stretching into a gleeful smile.
“Oh, this calls for a hug.”
She rounded the counter, and before I knew it, I was enveloped in her warm embrace. She smelled like sugar cookies and cinnamon, and her hug felt so good I almost burst into tears. I gave her a tight squeeze as I gathered myself together.
“Thank you,” I said when I stepped back. “I kind of needed that.
“Anytime.” Janet returned to the other side of the counter.
“Janet gives the best hugs,” a voice said.
I glanced over my shoulder to see Maisie and another woman approaching. Maisie stopped beside me. “What’s the hug for?” she asked.
