Asher (Ashes & Embers Book 6)

by Carian Cole

  She pushes her hair behind her ear. “We should talk.”

  We both know we have to talk, but I wasn’t expecting her to bring it up as soon as she got home. I thought we’d relax a little together first. My vision of snuggling under a blanket in a love burrito quickly fades.

  I’m losing her.

  She’s slipping through my hands like sand.

  I don’t want to think it, or believe it, but I can feel the broken pieces of us scattering farther away from each other.

  We chop up fruit and veggies together while she tells me about her visit with Katherine and how fascinating she thought it was to quietly observe people at the bed and breakfast, all staying for different reasons. Some on romantic getaways, some for business, some to escape from life for a few days.

  “I came close to putting my feet in the water, but I wanted to wait and do it with you.” We carry our dishes into the sunroom and sit on the couch. “It feels like after everything…it’s a fear I want to overcome with you next to me.”

  I nod, unable to put into words how much it means to me that she wants me to take that step with her.

  “Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be there.”

  Putting her dish on the coffee table, she turns toward me, and tucks her leg under her.

  “I did a lot of thinking while I was in Maine, and Katherine and I talked a lot. About everything.”

  I lick watermelon juice from my lips and wipe my fingers on a napkin, hoping to disguise the worry that’s racing through my veins.

  “That’s good. Katherine loves you, and she’s a great listener. She gives good advice too.” I trust that Katherine would never steer Ember in the wrong direction.

  “She’s a sweetheart, and she always has nice things to say about you. That’s been important to me right from the beginning. Not knowing who I was or who to trust, I counted on the fact that my own sister would tell me the truth. It put my mind at ease when you first started visiting me.”

  I chuckle, remembering her first reactions to me. “You didn’t like me much at first.”

  Tilting her head, she smiles shyly. “You were a lot to take in.”

  The bittersweet tone of her voice has me stuck in an odd place between hopeful and worried. I miss the days when I could look into her eyes and know exactly what she was thinking and feeling.

  “Remember a few weeks ago you were talking about getting the guys together? Doing a short tour of small venues?” Her voice rises with supportive interest. “You were really excited about it—especially about having Tor and Talon join you.”

  “It’d be cool to have them play some gigs with us. We’d pop in and play a few songs in smaller clubs and bars, surprise the crowd.”

  “I think you should do it.”

  “We will. I just have to talk to the guys, coordinate everything. It’ll probably happen early next year. There’s no rush.”

  “Oh,” she says, with a slight flicker of disappointment in her eyes. “I was thinking it might be good if you did it a little sooner.”

  I lean forward and gently squeeze her thigh. “Why sooner?”

  She fidgets with the ring on her finger, her eyes downcast, hidden behind the hair falling across her face. “I think if we had a few weeks apart, so we could both kinda think and regroup, it would be good for us.” Her gaze darts up, then quickly away from mine again. “You’ve been working so hard on your new songs. Being back in your element, singing, being with the guys, will be good for you. I don’t like that you feel you’ve had to babysit me since I came home. It’s not fair for either of us. I need to see you doing what you love, living your own life. I want you to see me living my life too. So we can make decisions about how we want to live our lives together from here. Like do you want to step away from the band like you told me you planned to do right before I fell? That’s a big decision. I’m thinking about maybe taking some art classes.”

  Closing my eyes, I shake my head and force down the massive wave of fear roiling up from my gut.

  “You want a separation?” I almost choke on the words.

  She swallows hard and sniffles. “Not like a divorce separation. Just a little time apart.”

  “We just did that.”

  “I know, but that was just a week. And you stayed here the entire time waiting for me to come home. Just like you waited all that time for me to wake up. It’s not right, Asher.”

  “You said you missed me.”

  “I did. A lot. I think that’s a good thing. But you have to remember, I only just met you a few months ago. This—you—is all new for me, and in a lot of ways, I’m new for you too.” She takes a big breath. “I’m not sure how to say all this the right way. After I found the stuff on the iPad, it was like getting hit by a brick. It really hurt me, Ash, and it was an eye opener that we both have things to think about and resolve—separate and together. I feel like we need to take a little step back. Reset. Start over.”

  I run my hands through my hair and squeeze the back of my head. I can’t believe this is happening to us. The last thing I want is more time away from my wife. All I want is more time with her. I don’t want to step back. Time apart and needing space are not solutions we’ve ever believed in.

  I reach for her hand and gently rub my thumb across her knuckles. “Babe, I think spending time together, is what we need. So we can get to know each other more. Get closer.”

  “I know… But…I’m still very lost, still new to this life I landed in. I’ve tried so hard to mesh into this marriage, this family. I really do care about you all.” A tear drips down her cheek, and she squeezes my hand tight, not releasing it. “But I think I need some time to get to know myself, figure out who I am now, decide what I want to do with my new life. Do some heart-searching. I need that before I can fully commit to relationships with anyone.”

  I stare into her eyes, searching for my wife, the woman who promised to never, ever leave me or walk away when things got hard.

  She’s got to be in there somewhere. “We can get through this, babe. Together.”

  She stares off out the window for a few moments. “Do you remember right before I left the hospital, I was nervous about coming here with you? I wanted to have my own place for a while? In hindsight, I think that would’ve been better. I think me coming here right away was too soon, for both of us.”

  “But look how far we’ve come. You’ve had some memories. We’ve gotten closer—”

  “That’s true, but I think we both needed more time to get used to…” She searches for the right word. “To me, I guess. I think I needed time to recover without the pressure of being married to, and living with, a stranger. I know my team of doctors thought this was best for me, to come home and resume my life surrounded by memories, and I thought so too, but now, I’m just not so sure.”

  “I’m so sorry, babe. I only wanted you to feel like you were home.”

  “I know that. But I think it was just too much, too soon. I don’t think you were ready to have me living here, either. We were strangers to each other. It was too much change all at once for you to have me in a coma for so long, and then in a matter of months, I’m back here, and we’re trying to just pick up where we left off eight years ago. But as we’ve found out, it’s been a total mental trip for both of us. Part of you is still stuck in caretaker mode, and part of me is still stuck in Ember-is-someone-else mode, and it’s done a lot of emotional damage to both of us that’s still lingering.” She exhales and tries to catch her breath.

  “Maybe you’re right,” I say over the lump in my throat. “I just wanted to have you home.”

  Tears stream down her cheeks when my voice cracks.

  “I’m sorry,” she sobs, reaching out to put her arms around me. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  Holding her tight against me, I breathe in the unfamiliar scent of her new perfume, and it’s a bit of a nail in the coffin of everything she’s just said. “I know. I don’t want to hurt you, either. Ever.”

  Sh
e pulls away and looks into my eyes. “I did a lot of thinking at Katherine’s. She and I talked for hours every day, and it helped me so much to put things in a better perspective, and even though she’s my sister, she didn’t take sides.”

  “I know Katherine wouldn’t do that. She’s always been fair and supportive.”

  She gives me a weak, yet hopeful smile, and wipes her eyes. “I want you to do this tour. I think it will re-energize you. Help you get back to your old self too. I want to stay here and work on some new paintings, and if you’re okay with it, I’d love to redecorate a little, maybe paint the walls like we talked about. Make it feel a little more like my home. Change can be good. It can cast a whole new light on things.”

  “You can do whatever’s going to make you feel better. I told you, we can move, tear walls down, get all new stuff. I don’t care about any of that, Ember. All I care about is us. Together, happy, healthy, and building a life together.”

  “I want that too. Please don’t think of this as a breakup, because I’m not thinking of it that way. We’ve been apart in the past, right? You went on tour. I went on tour. According to the journals, we missed each other like crazy.” She quirks her eyebrow. “Maybe it’s what we need.”

  I nod reluctantly. She’s right about us missing each other, but I’ve already done the absence makes the heart grow fonder tour for eight years, and it was agony. “I’ll do anything if it’ll make things right for us. I’d rather saw my arm off than be away from you, but if you think it’ll help, then that’s what we’ll do. I don’t want to suffocate you or force you. I want you to want to be with me.” I sigh with defeat. “I’ll do what I can to put the tour together. Just so you know, I’ll probably be on the road for about six weeks.”

  She squints slightly, as if she’s calculating something in her head. “That should be good. I think it’s best if I stay in the guest room until then.”

  Christ. Another knife plunged straight into my heart.

  “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

  She leans forward and plants a soft kiss on my cheek, hovering close while caressing my shoulder. “Just for a little while. I think a bit of space and change will be good for us. Try to trust me. Please.”

  I’ve always trusted her. She’s always known what I need, even when I didn’t.

  Hopefully now is one of those times.

  Chapter Forty-One

  I lean back in the lawn chair and put my feet up on the edge of one of the stone planters. Voices and laughter from my brothers, cousins, and friends fill the air around the bonfire. I can’t remember the last time just us guys have hung out in my yard on a Friday night grilling burgers, drinking a few beers, and shooting the shit.

  “You look like you’ve got something on your mind, bro,” Storm says from the chair beside me. “You doing okay?”

  I lift a bottle of water to my lips and take a gulp before nodding. “I’m good. Just wanted to talk to you guys about some band stuff.”

  “We were wondering why you herded us all here.” He raises a pierced eyebrow. “Sans significant others.”

  I clear my throat and put my water down on the freshly cut lawn.

  “Hey,” I say loud enough for everyone to hear me over the talking and music piping through the outdoor speakers. “I got a cool idea to run by you guys.”

  Everyone stops talking and looks in my direction.

  It’s safe to say, for a while now, every one of these guys has been expecting me to call it quits and leave the band. To be honest, it’s crossed my mind a few times over the years. I guess I was waiting for a sign—something to lead me down the right path.

  I have been waiting. To be remembered. Needed. Wanted.

  Loved.

  I glance toward the house just in time to catch her moving away from the second-story window, behind the pale, gauzy curtains of the guest room. The fucking guest room. I turn my attention back to the guys, who are still staring at me with apprehension.

  “Remember a while back we talked about doing a short tour of only small bars and clubs? Just for fun, like old times? With no promotion, no tickets. We set it up with the managers and show up and play. If there’s fans there—great. If not, maybe we’ll make some new ones. The thing is, I want Talon to come back, but not on guitar.” I meet my youngest brother’s eyes over the blaze of the bonfire between us. “I want you to sing the songs you wrote way back when. And I want Tor back on guitar.” I shift my eyes to my best friend. “I want to resurrect some of our oldest songs—the ones you wrote but never got to play.”

  Tor blinks with a mix of excitement and confusion as he processes what I just suggested.

  “What about Finn?” Mikah asks. “He replaced Talon.”

  “He didn’t fuckin’ replace me,” Talon interjects. “He’s just a tool of convenience.”

  “Don’t be a bitch, Tal,” Finn shoots back, crushing his empty beer can in his hand and hurling it at Talon’s head. My brother ducks, catches it, and pelts it back at Finn.

  “Hey.” I narrow my eyes at them. “Can you two cut the shit? You’re like two little kids fighting in the damn sandbox.”

  “Me and Ash already talked about it,” Finn replies, still glaring at Talon. “I’ll be touring with EverLust when he wants to do this. But I’ll still be playing in A&E in the future, depending on where we end up with tour schedules for each band. Lotsa musicians do it.”

  “I hoped you’d play with us for this reunion tour,” I say to Tor, who still looks exactly like I thought he’d look—in a state of shock. But I also see the glimmer of elation in his eyes. The lust to get his fingers back on the strings.

  “Me?” he says. “I haven’t played professionally in years. I have a wife and a kid now. And a business. I can’t just hop on a tour bus.”

  “Why not? I did it for years with a wife and a kid. Your brothers can run the shop without you for a while. It’ll only be for a few weeks. Two months, tops, to play in our favorite cities. It’ll fly by.”

  “I don’t know, man. I mean, it sounds fuckin’ great, but there’s a lot to think about. I have to talk to Kenzi first.”

  My daughter is either going to love me or hate me for giving Tor the chance to live the dream he gave up years ago to take care of his family.

  “Talk to her and let me know. Are the rest of you guys okay with all this?” My brothers all nod in agreement. As do my cousins Vandal and Lukas.

  “What about Ember?” Storm asks. “We thought you were putting the band on hiatus so you could be here for her.”

  I stare at the dancing flames of the bonfire, which mimic the incessant burning deep in my gut.

  “Yeah.” I stand and dust my hands on my pants. “I did too. There’s been a change of plans.”

  Later, after everyone’s gone home and I’ve cleaned up the yard and taken a shower, I stop in front of the guest room door on my way to the master bedroom suite.

  Sighing, I knock lightly on the door. “Can I come in?”

  Five seconds pass before she answers. “Okay.”

  She’s sitting in bed reading a book, wearing her purple-rimmed glasses that make her look adorably nerdy and sexy. Teddy is curled up at her side.

  “How’s the book?” I cross the room and sit on the edge of the bed. She smiles, and my breath catches at how young she appears. She could easily pass as Kenzi’s sister rather than her mother. It’s as if she didn’t age at all while she was in the limbo between life and death.

  “It’s good,” she says.

  “What’s it about?”

  “A young girl who lives alone on an island. With her dog.”

  I frown. “That sounds lonely.”

  “She’s very lonely, but she adapts and survives. She’s lost, even though she’s home. It’s sad but hopeful too.” She closes the book, but her eyes linger on the cover. “I sort of feel like this girl.”

  “I don’t want you to ever feel lonely, sad, or lost, Em.” I reach out to touch her cheek.

  �
�How about hopeful?” Her voice is melancholy tonight, her demeanor less confident than she’s been since she came back from Maine last week. I wonder if she’s having second thoughts about wanting us to have time apart. Maybe she’s worried it’ll make things worse, rather than better, between us.

  I have that same worry.

  “Yes. Always. I want you to feel hopeful every minute of every day and never stop. Okay?”

  Her eyes light up a little as they gaze into mine. “Okay,” she whispers. “I want you to be hopeful too.”

  Closing my eyes, I lean forward and kiss her forehead, aching and wishing for more than just hope.

  “Hope dies last, baby,” I say softly. “I’ve got a whole lot left in me.”

  I go to my room and lie in bed, wide awake, for hours. Insomnia has become my new bedside companion. Instead of counting sheep, I count fears and wishes.

  Ember may be slowly giving up on ever getting all her memories back, but I haven’t. I have this dream, that someday she’s going to wake up, and she’s going to remember her past. All of it. Everything that’s happened since she woke up will merge with her memories, seamlessly, and Ember Valentine, the light and love of my life, will never feel lost or lonely again.

  Hopefully, finally, neither will I.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  I pull my chirping cell phone from my purse, excited to see Asher’s name across the screen.

  “Hi.” I hold my finger up to Kenzi as I move across the store to a quieter area.

  “Hey, baby.” Swoon. “Whatchya up to?”

  “I’m at the furniture store with Kenzi and Tia.”

  “Ahh. I can’t wait to see all the new stuff when I get home. I owe you eight years of shopping, so have at it.” I can hear his smile in his voice, and it sends a quick pang to my chest. I miss him. I knew I would, but I’d underestimated how much, and it’s only been two weeks so far.

  “Where are you guys today?” I lose track of the different cities and states he mentions.