Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood

by Eric Rosswood

  Novia came right home and we threw together some things we’d need for an overnight stay at the hospital, called a friend to come take care of our pets and then rushed to the car. We had already packed what we called our “deployment” bag (military backgrounds!) and it had everything we thought the baby would need for the first several days, since we knew we couldn’t take him across state lines for a while. We’d also left the baby seat installed in the car from the year before when we were matched. We were pretty much ready to go, so we threw the deployment bag in the trunk and off we went.

  We made a quick stop on the way to pick up some things for the birthmother and a few gifts for the nurses and arrived at the hospital by 2:00 P.M. I’m not sure our hearts ever stopped racing, but they were certainly racing again as we approached the hospital room. The birthmother’s social worker met us and started bringing us up to speed. I honestly don’t recall much about that conversation, except that she told us it was a healthy baby boy, the birthmother was twenty years old and African-American, the birthfather was Caucasian and not in the picture and, most importantly, she had chosen us as the parents. I remember asking if this was the birthmother who had not wanted to choose the parents for her child and she told me it wasn’t. This was a “surprise” birthmother, meaning she hadn’t even contacted the agency until she gave birth, so they rushed right over with some potential parents’ profiles and she had picked ours!

  One other thing I do specifically remember about that conversation was the story the social worker told us about how the birthmother had picked us. The social worker had given her our profile book first (we were the longest waiting family, after all) and the birthmother immediately connected to the cover photo, which was a picture of us swimming with dolphins. Apparently she loved animals.

  As she turned the pages, she found photos of us skiing and snow-boarding. She loved snowboarding, too. When she saw the snowboarding pictures, the social worker said she pulled the book to her chest, hugged it and told her this was the couple she wanted. The social worker told her to take her time and look at the other profiles, but the birthmother said no, it was us! My heart just stopped with that story and I knew right then that this little boy was meant to be our son.

  The next day was easily the most emotionally difficult I’ve ever experienced, as we met with the birthmother, got to know her a little bit, answered her questions and held our breath, hoping she wouldn’t change her mind. She clearly loved this child and was making this decision for no other reason than love, wanting him to have the kind of life she knew she couldn’t give him at that time. It was obvious this was a very difficult decision for her. She allowed us to hold him right away and feed him. After a short time, the birthmother went into her room to rest. The nurses let us stay in the room next to hers and she left him with us while she napped.

  I went out and picked up some dinner for everyone and after the birthmother rested, we visited with her again for a little while. Her only request was that she wanted to have the baby in her room with her for the night and said she would bring him to us in the morning. So we lay down on our hospital bed and tried to sleep, tried not to worry, hoped against hope that she wouldn’t change her mind and waited some more.

  About 5:00 A.M. the next morning, the birthmother lightly knocked on our door and came in with the baby. We talked about how his night had been and how she had slept. Then we took some pictures for her (that I immediately printed on the portable printer I had brought with us for just this purpose) and started the painful process of her saying goodbye. We promised her that we would give him the best life we could and would always make sure he knew how much she loved him. Then we all cried while she said goodbye. (I still cry to this day every time I remember those moments!) She placed him in my arms, kissed him and walked out of the hospital room and out of his life.

  Even though this was an open adoption, the birthmother had told us that other than the agreed-upon photos and letters from us telling her how he’s doing for a few years, she didn’t want any future contact. I think she knew it would be too hard on her. She did give us her e-mail address and we knew her full name, but we had not given her our last names, out of an overabundance of caution. Part of her story involved an overbearing parent who didn’t know about the baby yet, so we were concerned that if he found out, he might pressure her to come back for the child later on. But after meeting her, we also knew that once it was legally “safe” to do so, we would be okay with her being a part of his life in some way if that’s what she wanted. She was certainly a very loving, intelligent, thoughtful and beautiful young woman and we will be forever indebted to her for entrusting us with this most precious gift.

  We left the hospital later that day with our little five-pound bundle of joy and headed to the hotel. Over the next two weeks, we took care of little Christopher James, kept in touch with our attorney and the two adoption agencies and dotted every “i” and crossed every “t” they told us to. After two weeks, we got the go-ahead from the state of Kentucky to take him home, across the state line to Indiana, while we waited (again) on the rest of the adoption process to play out. Finally, an eternal three months later on August 22nd, we met with an Indiana judge.

  I finalized the adoption and just moments later, Novia was able to finalize her Indiana second-parent adoption. Unfortunately, the law in Kentucky didn’t allow same-sex couples to be on a birth certificate together, even though Novia was still legally Christopher’s parent. Regardless, the finalization was a glorious event for us. The judge signed two adoption decrees, we took some pictures and finally, all the waiting was over! Christopher was now a forever part of our family.

  Matthew Smith and Trey Darnell

  JOHNSON CITY, TENNESSEE

  Hello! We are Matthew and Trey from Johnson City, Tennessee. We are the second-most famous Matt-and-Trey combo in the United States. First place belongs to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the creators of South Park and The Book of Mormon. Our spot in second place status is secured just ahead of the Matt-and-Trey serving team at one of our local dining establishments.

  Matt was born in Glendora, California and is employed as a registered nurse. I am a native of Kingsport, Tennessee and flying high as a commercial airline captain. Our story as a same-sex couple began in 2007 through the power of social media. A connection sparked over a picture of Matthew standing in front of a fast food restaurant. Matthew and I are best friends. We are very competitive with each other and laugh a lot.

  In August 2012, while on a road trip to Charlotte, North Carolina, Matthew and I decided to take our relationship from “two is company” to “three is a crowd.” We already had the usual criteria before starting a family: solid careers, a large enough home, a big yard and financial stability. So there we were, staying at an inn in Charlotte, when we looked at each other and said, “Let’s adopt!”

  When someone wants to learn more about a specific topic, what do they do? Look it up online! We did our due diligence that night in researching the process of adopting, possible agencies and the differences in open and closed adoptions. Matthew and I decided to pursue an adoption over a surrogacy to prevent the dilemma of which one of us would be the biological father. We are indecisive when trying to decide where to have dinner; we could only imagine the process of deciding who would be the sperm donor. E-mails and information requests allowed the excitement to build. At this point, it was way past midnight and we needed sleep before our return home the next morning.

  While still feeling the euphoria of all the positive information we had obtained from our online research, we didn’t just float back to Earth; we came crashing down. Matthew and I soon received the following e-mail from a prominent domestic adoption agency:

  Mr. Darnell,

  Thanks for asking about our Domestic Program…Our agency has not proved to be the best fit for same-sex couples as the birthparents looking to make an adoption plan for their child through [the agency] are overwhelmingly looking for more traditional married
couples to place with. That tends to be the reason they come to our agency…I certainly do not wish to mislead you or “just take your money” when the chances of receiving a placement would be unlikely.

  A traditional married couple? There was no way we would ever fit into that category. Our state did not recognize marriages, civil unions or domestic partnerships of same-sex couples at that time. Questions of doubt started to form. What were people going to think and say? The e-mail was not meant to be hurtful, but it was successful in being destructive.

  Now what? How does one go from a pessimistic view to a very optimistic attitude? Go on vacation! So we took a weekend trip to Atlanta, Georgia, to attend a free informational session offered by a large adoption agency. We were both surprised to learn that it was also the same weekend of Atlanta Gay Pride. I personally had never been to a gay pride event before. Did you know the group Dykes on Bikes always starts a gay pride parade? I can honestly say that weekend with the agency and the events changed everything for us.

  As a same-sex couple, Matthew and I had the unique opportunity to share our story of growing a family through adoption. Instead of marketing ourselves as a couple hoping to adopt, we were given a platform to promote gay couples parenting in general. There has never been a greater moment than now for us to open up about our lives. As each day passes, equal rights for LGBT individuals are growing. Now is the time for us to share and to speak. When we started the adoption process, it was our hope to expand our family with a child and now we are able to help spread the positive message of gay parenting.

  When we wrote the first draft of our profile letter, it was twice as long as our agency recommended. It is very difficult to condense everything you want to say into fewer than one thousand words. Our adoption profile was approved for viewing by expecting parents the week before Christmas in 2012. At that particular time, the average waiting period for a same-sex couple was fifteen months, though we were both well aware that our wait could end up being shorter or much longer than that.

  Matthew and I had decided to promote ourselves as a couple in every way possible for six months and then take a step back and evaluate our approach. Over the next couple of weeks, we had a few contacts from potential birthmothers. All of them we considered to be emotional scams. Every waiting family is aware of the risks that adoption can bring. In most cases, families get angry with these particular situations, but we chose to use them as practice experiences to get over the nerves of talking to pregnant women.

  In March 2013, we received a text message on our designated adoption cell phone number. We were both just coincidentally looking at the phone when the text was received. It said, “How do you feel about twins?” We were stunned, giddy and nervous. We had always been open to the idea of twins. Over the next couple of weeks, we talked to this particular expecting mother and all three of us seemed to hit it off very well. There were so many similarities: She was a registered nurse in Labor and Delivery and liked most of the same things we did. We had several phone conversations with her and learned that she had contacted our adoption agency and that she was also speaking to another family as well. Matthew and I both felt like this was the right match for us.

  This birthmother was very cautious about the adoption process and had several specific concerns. She was mostly terrified that once the adoption occurred, the adoptive parents and her twin girls would disappear. There was only one state, California, in which open adoption agreements were considered legally enforceable. In all other states, they were primarily promises.

  While talking to the mother of the twins, we missed another incoming text message. Since we didn’t respond to the text within a couple of hours, we then received a call on the toll-free telephone number that was listed on our adoption profile. When someone dialed the number, Matthew and I received simultaneous calls on our personal cell phones, as well as the house phone. Needless to say, when all three phones rang at the same time, we started to panic.

  This phone call was from the mother of an expecting father in Texas. She asked many questions and I felt an instant connection with her. We had come to a crossroad. Matthew and I liked both situations. The twins were due in June and the Texas baby was due in September. We decided to continue with both possibilities for the time being.

  Over the next several days, we knew the Texas situation was moving fast and would probably result in a match very soon. We presented both situations to our adoption coordinator and asked for advice. It became apparent that we needed to disclose the Texas situation to the mother of the twins.

  It was a very hard and emotional conversation. The mother of the twins was devastated. At that point, she was still determining whether she would parent or place her twin girls. She wanted us to parent if she chose not to, but she said it would break her heart to prevent us from matching with this other expecting couple. She insisted she would not stand in the way of us becoming dads. It was very difficult to end this potential situation, but when we received an e-mail including a sonogram photo from Mercy and Dylan, the expecting parents in Texas, we knew this was our perfect match. Mercy mentioned in the e-mail that the baby looked like a T-Rex.

  Matthew and I matched with Mercy and Dylan on April 10, 2013. I still have the voicemail saved on my phone. Mercy had just entered her second trimester at that time, so we fit into the category of a long match. This meant we had the opportunity to be present for a majority of the pregnancy and build a strong foundation for our relationship that would last a lifetime.

  A few weeks after we matched, it was time to determine the sex of baby T-Rex. Matthew was working the day we were supposed to find out, so I purchased two balloons: one pink and one blue. Then I waited outside of the hospital where Matthew was working. The next sixty minutes seemed to take hours. Finally, Mercy sent a wonderful text message that caught me completely off guard:

  It’s a girl. YAY!

  I grabbed the pink balloon, quickly entered the hospital and got in the elevator. As I exited the elevator and looked to the left, I saw Matthew working on the computer at the nurses’ station. I had the pink balloon hidden behind my back. Before he had time to say anything, I presented the balloon to him. We were able to enjoy that moment together after it had unfolded over one thousand miles away.

  Soon the time came for us to travel west and meet Mercy and Dylan in person. Near the end of May, we said goodbye to our cats and flew out to Texas. Our flight arrived in Dallas and then we rented a car to make the three-hour drive to the town of Abilene.

  Matthew and I dealt with a lot of stress leading up to that meeting. It seemed to escalate while driving to Abilene. We were overly excited and nervous to meet the expecting mother and father for the first time. The moments leading up to the meeting felt like a first date after building a foundation of communication with them over the past month.

  A counselor from our agency was there to facilitate the match meeting. He had reserved the children’s activity room at a library for everyone to get together, but there was not much about this exceptionally large space that indicated either children or activity. It was full of six-foot tables and chairs and did not have that small, quaint feeling we had hoped for. Matthew and I picked a table in the middle of the room and allowed our anticipation and nerves to grow even more.

  Before long, we heard a library representative tell someone, “The activity room is located in the back.” Mercy and Dylan were here. I’m pretty sure Matthew and I both stopped breathing. As the expecting mother and father seated themselves across from us, Matthew quickly stated what I think everyone was feeling: “I know we are all extremely nervous.” With that, the ice had been broken. Questions were then posed to both couples and with each answer the meeting seemed to get more and more comfortable.

  Thirty minutes quickly turned into an hour and a half. During that time, we learned about Mercy and Dylan both as individuals and as a couple. Looking back on the match meeting, all of the stress left as we said goodbye to the counselor and began our w
eekend in Abilene with Mercy and Dylan. I’m thankful for those anxieties, though, as they allowed us to be aware of this truly memorable moment and made us more prepared for the spectacular time that was in our near future.

  Over the next few days, Matthew and I were welcomed into an energetic, funny and loving family. We were able to spend time with parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins. Each and every one of them made an extra effort to show their support for us as a couple and the potential adoptive parents of their future daughter, granddaughter, great-granddaughter, niece and cousin. We listened to stories and told a few of our own. A couple of the stories were somewhat embarrassing, but we learned about Mercy and Dylan’s family and they learned about us. There was a lot of laughter all around. Some family members commuted from hours away and everyone made sure they had ample time off from work to meet and support Mercy, Dylan, Matthew and me. We felt so welcomed and loved by this family and were extremely excited to merge them with ours.

  The final night was marked by an epic family barbeque—Texas style, complete with cloth napkins, table decorations and a metal T-Rex sculpture. The menu included brisket, baby back ribs, sausage and jalapeño peppers stuffed with cream cheese, wrapped in bacon and then grilled to perfection. The evening was certainly a celebration, a family celebration that Matthew and I were a part of. There was not a better way to end our visit to Abilene than by enjoying each other’s company after a terrific Texas family BBQ.

  I have to admit it was a little emotional saying goodbye to everyone that night. Over the past three days, it felt like we were already a part of their family. But luckily, Matthew and I knew that this goodbye was only for a short period of time: In just a few months, Baby T-Rex would make her arrival. We were extremely excited about what the future held for our entire family, which had now grown much larger.