Journey to Same-Sex Parenthood

by Eric Rosswood

“I recommend seeing a therapist during the whole process, for both the surrogate and the couple. We had a surrogacy scenario where my partner’s best friend offered to donate the eggs and be the carrier. At the end of the third trimester, there were so many emotions and hormones going on, we were all on edge. Having someone there for us as a couple and also for our surrogate was key in our situation.”

  —Joseph Adelantar (Jersey City, New Jersey)

  “Discrimination by doctors and their staff is something that happens. It’s important to screen for doctors before you become pregnant. Discrimination from a doctor who is treating you or your partner can not only cost you your dignity and sanity, but can also cost you monetarily as well. Also, don’t be afraid to tell people that your reproductive journey is private. Some people think that, just because we have to conceive via a donor, they can ask all of these inappropriate questions. Your journey to parenthood is just that: it’s yours. You are not responsible for the education of the ignorant unless you choose to be.”

  —Amanda Victorian (Lake Charles, Louisiana)

  “Sharing your story with those who support you can bring you much joy and create community. Seek out other parents whose experiences are in some ways similar to yours. Tell your stories to them, on your own blog or wherever folks will support you in being the best family you can be without judgment. Also, carry copies of your family documents with you—birth certificates, marriage licenses, adoption records, etc. It’s a sad reality that you may encounter officials at car rental counters or emergency rooms who don’t recognize you as a family.”

  —Lisa Haefele-Thomas (Berkeley, California)

  “Be prepared to move goalposts. You set out with an idealised plan of how you will form your family, but often numerous factors will affect this, like views on how you’ll get pregnant, choice of donor and belief in your own fertility. Each ‘change’ or difference may require a shift of the original plan but, like your birth plan, flexibility is key. Also, keep in mind that having children makes your relationship more visible. When you have children, right from the beginning of the process, you are forever telling people you are a couple. When people ask ‘Whose children are these?’ or ‘Which one is the Mum?’ your answers need to be genuine and honest—your child will hear!”

  —Helen (Oxford, United Kingdom)

  “Don’t get too hung up on your openness plan, because your perspective—and your birthmother’s perspective—will likely change post-placement. Just know that after you bring your son or daughter home, you will likely want more contact with the birthmother than you thought you would; your birth-mother may want less than she thought she did and contact can change over time. Knowing that contact might drop off, be sure to write down your child’s birthfamily details—don’t rely on memory. Our kids are now one and four and we think about their birthmothers constantly.”

  —Ian Hart (San Francisco, California)

  “Talk about it with people you trust. If you are using a known donor, work out exactly what you are wanting from that person (contact, pictures, personal info) and draw up a contract so that it is in black and white. This will help ensure everyone is on the same page. Be totally upfront and honest and think very carefully about using a donor whom you know. We tried this and things got very awkward. Take your time and don’t rush into any decision. It has to be right for all parties involved. Also, enjoy trying for a baby; it is not a chore. Enjoy every moment, because it is an amazing journey.”

  —Shelley Jenkins (Gloucestershire, United Kingdom)

  “Discuss all expectations in advance, no matter how uncomfortable: religion, approach to discipline, whether or not to circumcise, legal custody, etc. Also, be ready to call it off. Whether bringing a new life into the world or a child into your home via adoption, this is serious stuff. Once that baby is around there’s no turning back. If there are red flags flying beyond the anxiety that is to be expected, then be ready to put things on hold. One of the advantages for prospective LGBT parents is that we can take our time.

  — Bill Delaney (San Francisco, California)

  Wrapping Things Up

  Adoption, fostering, surrogacy, assisted reproduction and co-parenting A are all ways in which LGBT couples can begin the journey of building their family. Each road is unique and it’s important for you to choose the path that best fits your family.

  There are many challenges to becoming a parent outside of a heterosexual relationship and you will undoubtedly encounter numerous ups and downs along the way. Your journey could be stressful, emotional and frustrating and at times you may feel hopeless, but remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

  Nothing can prepare you for that moment when you first hold your child in your arms. When you do, you’ll find yourself in a blissful bubble. Nothing else will matter in that moment and, down the road, you’ll tell yourself that everything you went through was worth it in the end.

  If you’ve already started the journey and you find yourself going through a challenging time, just remember that as long as you have the patience and perseverance to withstand the emotional rollercoaster of the journey, you can eventually have a happy family of your own (white picket fence optional).

  Acknowledgments

  You know the phrase, “It takes a village?” Well, that’s definitely the case with this book. So many people helped with this project and I couldn’t have finished it without them. I want to take the opportunity to give a shout out to some of the people who helped in a big way.

  First and foremost, thank you to my agent, Chelsea Lindman, for believing in my manuscript and me when so many others didn’t. I appreciate the guidance and suggestions you provided. None of this would have been possible without you and for that, I am forever grateful.

  My amazing husband, Mat Rosswood, thank you for your patience and for the days that you spent helping me weed through all the story submissions.

  Mom, thank you for helping with babysitting while I went through my final edits. I couldn’t have gotten through crunch time without you!

  Melissa Gilbert, I am truly honored that you helped with this project. You have a beautiful soul and a big heart. Thank you for being a vocal advocate and an amazing ally.

  Charlie Condou, thank you for being a positive role model for other LGBT parents. You have helped so many people by living your life openly. I appreciate you taking the time to share your story with me and for being one of the first people who stepped up and offered to help with this project!

  Samantha LemMon, thank you for the awesome book cover and for being extremely patient with me as we went through a gazillion versions!

  Beki Eckles Andreasen, thanks for the great headshots. You are the only one who can get me to wear a sweater in the dead heat of summer in San Diego!

  Kate Kendell, Cathy Sakimura and the team at NCLR, thank you for your edits, tips and legal advice! When I needed help, you were more than happy to step up and I appreciate it.

  John F. Stephens, thanks for all your guidance with navigating the copyright issues and release forms. I don’t know what I would have done without you!

  Gabriel Blau, thank you for everything you do to help LGBT families. I am extremely grateful you shared your expertise with me and wrote the wonderful epilogue for this book. I look forward to working together in the future.

  Ian Hart and Nick Larocque, I learned so much from the two of you! Thank you for sharing your family-building experiences with Mat and I, and for being such great mentors.

  Judy Appel, Renata Moreira, Yusni Bakar and the rest of the team at Our Family Coalition, thank you for helping me collect stories for this project and for helping to create a local community of families like ours.

  Ben Barr, Julianne Carroll, Wade Meyer and the team at the Rainbow Community Center, you helped build a network of local LGBT families and put me in touch with some amazing people!

  Joe Jasko, JoAnne Thomas, Charley Nasta and the folks at New Horizon Press, thank you for all the hard work you pu
t in behind the scenes. You helped polish everything up and made it presentable. You were so helpful and I appreciate the fact that you were willing to work with me. Thank you for being such great partners. I’m so happy you were on my team!

  Dr. Joan S. Dunphy, you helped so many families when you agreed to take on this project. I only wish you were still here to see all the smiles you helped create.

  And finally, thank you to everyone who contributed by sharing his or her personal story. You helped create something special. When people read this book, I hope they feel like they are going to a trusted friend for advice, someone who has been through the journey before. You are that friend and by sharing your emotional and raw experience, you have made the journey to parenthood a little easier for someone else.

  APPENDIX A

  Legal Considerations

  (provided by the National Center for Lesbian Rights)

  Please note that family law is very complex and differs state by state. Also, what’s common or legal in this country may not be common or legal in another country. You may even have to abide by the laws of multiple regions if the various parties involved reside in different locations. It is highly recommended that you speak with an experienced attorney in LGBT family law. The National Center for Lesbian Rights was extremely helpful when it came to answering my questions and they even provided a list of legal issues to consider for each section of this book. I recommend contacting them if you need more information about the laws in your state or if you need information about attorneys in your area. You can find them at www.nclrights.org/gethelp.

  General

  When you decide to bring children into your home, it is very important to think about how your family will be legally protected. Make sure you know the answers to these questions before you get started:

  •Will I be recognized as a parent under the law in my state? Will my spouse or partner be recognized as a parent too?

  •Will the genetic or birthparents—including a sperm or egg donor, surrogate or birthmother—have parental rights and is it possible to terminate those rights?

  •If I am adopting, what are the laws in my state about adoption? Can I adopt? Can my partner and I adopt together if we are not married?

  Adoption

  For people who live in the United States, here are a few key points to keep in mind if you are considering adoption. If you have legal questions or concerns after reading this section, it is best to consult a lawyer for legal advice.

  •Some states allow unmarried couples to adopt jointly, but not all do.

  •All states allow married spouses to adopt jointly, from an agency, private placement or foster care.

  •If the birthparents’ rights are not properly protected, your adoptions can become more costly and you may even end up losing your child. If you are adopting from an agency, you should ask questions about what has been done to ensure that the birthparents’ rights have been properly protected in the way that the law in your state requires.

  Foster Care

  For those living in the United States, here are a few key points to keep in mind if you are considering foster care. If you have legal questions or concerns, you should consult an attorney for legal advice.

  •In nearly every state, a person with an unmarried partner can foster a child. Consult with a lawyer if you have questions on whether or not your state allows this.

  •All states allow married couples and single individuals to be foster parents.

  Surrogacy

  The legal requirements for surrogacy in the United States are very specific. It is vital that you consult with a knowledgeable attorney before entering any surrogacy agreement.

  •The laws about surrogacy are very different in different states. In some states, surrogacy is illegal and many states provide no protections for families using surrogacy. States that do allow surrogacy have specific rules you have to follow.

  •Every state that protects families using surrogacy requires the gestational method, where the egg donor is different from the gestational carrier.

  •If you are thinking about going to another country for surrogacy, consider the potential emotional and financial cost if you run into complications. Depending on your situation, you may not be able to bring your baby back to the United States or you may have lengthy delays before you can return. International surrogacy is complex and doesn’t have clear protections.

  •If you conceive through surrogacy, it is important to get a court judgment recognizing you as a parent. You can also do an adoption to make sure your parental rights have been established.

  Assisted Reproduction

  It is highly recommended that you speak to a lawyer experienced in assisted reproduction law before you start trying to become pregnant. Here are a few important legal issues of which you should be aware if you are considering assisted reproduction in the United States:

  •If you are using a known sperm or egg donor, it is important to know that not all states protect families using donors to conceive. Some states do have these laws, but they are limited to married couples or they apply only to people who have conceived with the assistance of a doctor. If your state doesn’t have donor laws or you do not follow the donor laws in your state, your known donor may be a legal parent until you terminate your donor’s rights with an adoption. A written agreement by itself will not terminate your donor’s parental rights, even if that is what it says. However, it is still important to have a written agreement, because it can be used as evidence if you end up in a legal challenge.

  •If you are an intended single parent using a known donor, it is vital that you are sure you are protected by a donor law in your state. In most states, if your donor is or may be a parent, there is no way to terminate your donor’s parental rights unless another second parent adopts.

  •If one of you is giving birth and you are married or in a civil union or comprehensive domestic partnership, you should both be able to be on the birth certificate. However, being on the birth certificate does not necessarily make you a parent. You have to know whether there is a law that protects you as such.

  •It is strongly recommended that all non-biological parents get an adoption or court judgment of parentage if possible, even if you are married. This ensures that your parental rights are protected in any state, no matter where you travel or move.

  Co-Parenting

  Here are a few key points to keep in mind if you are considering entering into a co-parenting arrangement in the United States. If you have legal questions or concerns after reading this section, it is best to consult a lawyer.

  •If you are co-parenting with another person and you both will be the biological parents, you should both be able to be on the birth certificate and recognized as parents under the law. Every state has a system where an unmarried birthmother and the biological father can sign and file a form acknowledging that he is the biological father. You need to make sure that you follow the procedures required by your state.

  •If one or both co-parents are not biological or birthparents, you should find out how your state treats non-biological parents before conceiving. In some states, an unmarried second parent of a child conceived through assisted reproduction can be legally recognized if they consent to the assisted reproduction in writing. In some states, a non-biological and non-birthparent may need to do a second-parent adoption in order to be legally recognized. However, not all states allow unmarried people to do second-parent adoptions. In some states, you may not be able to protect an unmarried non-biological parent’s rights.

  •If you are co-parenting with more than one other parent, only a few states acknowledge that a child can have more than two legally recognized parents. However, you may be able to do a third-parent adoption in some states.

  APPENDIX B

  Reasons Why and Challenges

  Reasons Why People Choose Open Adoption

  The opportunity to meet your child’s biological parents – When you choose open ado
ption, you have the opportunity to meet your child’s birthmother (and possibly the birthfather if he is still in the picture).

  Family connection – Adoptees who don’t have the benefit of knowing their adoption story can end up fantasizing about their biological family. The search for answers can be exhausting, both emotionally and financially. However, children of open adoption have this information available to them from the beginning. Because of this, it is less likely that your child will need to search for or fantasize about his or her birthfamily.

  The opportunity to be present during birth – Once you have met a birthmother and everyone decides to match and move forward together, you will most likely create what is referred to as a birth plan. This is where you decide who will be present during the birth, who holds the baby first, who cuts the umbilical cord and more. If you match early enough and the birthmother agrees, you may even have the opportunity to be in the same room during birth if that is something you want.

  Raising a child from birth – For some people, being involved in a child’s life on day one is important to them. This allows them to witness key developmental milestones such as seeing their baby’s first smile, hearing their child’s first words or watching them take their first step.

  Access to medical information – Medical background information can be vital when it comes to making informed medical decisions. You will likely have this information for your child in the beginning and if there are any health changes to your child’s biological family in the future, you may have the opportunity to receive that information as well. Please note that sometimes the birthfather is unknown or no longer in the picture and in situations like that, you may not have medical information from the birthfather’s side of the family.

  Answers to difficult questions – If you remain in contact with your child’s birthparents, they may be able to help you answer difficult questions from your child such as, “Why did my birthparents place me for adoption?” Your son or daughter may have the opportunity to hear the answers straight from his or her birthparents.