Melanie's Journey

by Michael Cross

  He too looked as though he were going to cry. Maybe in this moment of shared vulnerability and weakness my dream would come true? Then he looked at me and said, in a sad manner, “Melanie, you have to understand…there are things I couldn’t dare say to you for quite some time now. Do you understand?” I fought the tears of excitement back, and yes, the sadness as well, but what mattered now were my hopes for the future. I assured him, “Yes, I understand completely and…” He interrupted me, “I’m not good with expressing feelings, maybe that’s why I went into psychology—distancing myself, intellectualizing the most personal portions of my own soul. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel, and it doesn’t mean I can’t know how others feel deep down. The sad irony is that I can fear letting that person know that I indeed feel they way they do.”

  His words, his looks, even what I perceived as his spirit, all conveyed to me everything. I didn’t care about the events that led to this, I didn’t care about the tenseness that still existed or even how we were going to deal with keeping ourselves safe…I knew, we knew, our feelings were real for each other!

  “I’m sorry for everything Melanie.” When he started talking again I held his hand tightly, “Hey, don’t be, okay? Everything will be fine.” He shrugged his shoulders and looked off in the distance, “Will it be?” I smiled, “Yes, there’s nothing to worry about. We made sure there’s no way we can get connected to what happened last night.” He sighed, “That’s not what I meant—I meant that if it were not for me you all would be leading such different lives.” I countered his guilt, “You didn’t cause us to do anything—you merely could see who we really are. We were created from the same energy and we could never be happy being who we pretended to be.”

  Mark sighed, “Maybe you are right, I don’t really know…all I do know is if it hadn’t been for me…” Again I stopped him, “Have you considered how many people might have wound up victims of the people we have eliminated?” I really thought this would help but then he asked, “Oh, like Cindy? She was totally innocent but because of my carelessness she’s dead!”

  I tried to get him to quit this line of reasoning but I suppose my efforts were in vain. He asked, “So how did it take place, I mean, Daniel told me the general story but he didn’t get into specifics.” I looked at Daniel and Nicole—it had been as if I had forgotten they were still in the room. I then told him everything, how it was me who lured her to meet us and that it was me who killed her—even the details of how I did it. I apologized to him but I wanted him to know—I tried to be as human to him as possible.

  Mark seemed more depressed than ever. Then he suddenly got some energy and tried to re-assure us! “It was unavoidable I guess—at least from what you have said there is no way this will be traced back to you.” It felt somewhat odd, his change of attitude that is, but at that moment I think we all felt relieved. He asked, “Can we all rest a few minutes and then talk about this more later. I have some things to think about.” We all liked the idea since we had not really slept for a very long time. I leaned against Mark and he put his arm around me. I passed out almost immediately after closing my eyes.

  I was the first to wake up. I had even forgotten that I had been next to Mark and when I woke I was laying in his lap. It was around dinner now—we had only slept a few hours but I felt totally refreshed. I woke up Mark and in the process Daniel and Nicole came back to life as well.

  Mark seemed okay at this point, even cheerful. Then he asked, “Okay everyone, I am starving…can you all go get some take out Chinese and we’ll eat it for dinner here and then watch some movies” That sounded good to me but I asked if I could stay to which he answered, “Is it okay if I can be alone for a little while?” I teasingly asked if that’s what he really wanted to which he took me aside privately, “If you stayed I don’t think we’d be eating dinner or watching any movies tonight.” I laughed and went ahead and got my coat on—only then, going out, did I realize I had changed into some really ugly old clothes when we had stopped at my house. I guess I had been half asleep when I changed. How embarrassing. I did go back to Mark and asked, “Mark, do you really mean it? I mean, what you seem to be saying about us…” He interrupted, “Melanie, you know how I feel now, and I have felt this way for months, it’s just not been possible to express anything…you understand, it’s was just the wrong time, place and circumstances to open up. You understand, don’t you?” I embraced him and said I did and then started to follow Daniel and Nicole out the door. “Melanie, I’m sorry for what I have done to you…please forgive me now—and for eternity.” I said, “I do!” and left.

  After we picked up our order at the restaurant we headed to the store for late-night snacks. I was consumed with thinking of all the possibilities for the future. Then I started repeating the conversation with Mark in my mind. I wasn’t even thinking about Cindy anymore—I was busy thinking about what my future would be.

  Suddenly, and with a feeling of cold, dark dread, a horrific thought hit me. While running over Mark’s words in my mind I wondered what he meant by the phrases “forgive me” and “for eternity.” I screamed out, “Daniel! We have to go back to Mark’s now!” Nicole asked why and I told them what Mark had said to me privately. We all knew Mark had a way of being melodramatic and that he often had a subliminal meaning behind his words. So Daniel made a u-turn and headed back. And of all the bad luck, that’s when the blue lights of a police car started flashing!

  We pulled over and tried not to act anxious or anything. The cop approached and asked us, “Are you kids in a hurry or something?” Daniel replied, “No sir, we had just realized we left a mobile phone at the place we got our food.” The policeman looked at us, flashed his light into the car, noticed the food and then, not even asking to see Daniel’s license, started lecturing us about following the rules of the road. I thought to myself how valuable time was being wasted—would the cop ever end his speech and get back to his job of catching real criminals? He then gave us a “good evening” and left—we drove extremely cautiously until we saw him turn and then we sped up to get to Mark’s.

  As we entered the driveway we didn’t notice anything unusual. It was probably nothing we thought. Maybe the fatigue and stress of the last night had played tricks on our minds—making us paranoid or something. However, when we got out we noticed the garage door was shut and could hear his car running. We rushed into the house, through the laundry room and into the garage. It was filled with exhaust fumes but we made our way to the driver’s door—but upon opening it we found Mark slumped over.

  Daniel shut off the car, opened the window and carried Mark out into the living room. He checked his pulse and at first couldn’t find anything but then said there was a faint heart rate. I was so relieved to hear he was alive but when Daniel checked his eyes he immediately got up and ran to the closet. He pulled out a flashlight, shined it in Mark’s eyes, moved it and then rested Mark's head on the floor.

  “Shouldn’t we call for an ambulance?” I asked but Daniel said it was too late. I asked why it was too late, he was alive! But Daniel said he had been deprived of oxygen too long—since his eyes did not respond to the light, or move except to flutter slightly, it was apparent that there had been severe brain damage. It was strange though, in the movies if someone loves someone they are shown grasping the person and crying—I didn’t feel like responding in such a way. I just walked out of the room and sat down with my head buried in my hands. I started crying and I could not stop even when I became aware of Nicole coming into the room. I had not cried since I was six or seven when the kitten my mother had bought me was run over by a car. It felt strange.

  Nicole sat next to me and held me, not saying a word, just trying to bring me comfort. I regained my composure and apologized, yet she wiped the tears away and said I had every right to cry. I appreciated her words but it was time to come back to reality. What were we supposed to do about our predicament?

  Chapter 22

  Daniel came into the ro
om and mentioned that the garage was almost clear of fumes. He also said that in these situations at the best Mark would be a vegetable, no longer possessing the intellect or personality that was central to his being. In fact, if he were to receive treatment and be placed in a rest home his chances of living very long would be minimal. I remember thinking how much I hoped there was a soul, a life after this, because the thought of all he was now being extinct except for his body, a mere shell, was unthinkable.

  Daniel took over and said that we needed a plan and we needed it fast. It wasn’t really a discussion, but rather he seemed to have come up with an idea already. We were certainly anxious to hear it.

  I guess I was in emotional shock at this point. The thought that I had cried seemed so remote, even though my blouse was still wet with tears. I looked at Nicole and she was not really showing all that much emotion in facial expressions, but she just looked at Daniel with tears dripping spontaneously from her face. Aside from the tears betraying her emotions she was still focused…but here I too was focused, maybe in a state of denial, but I guess I could not really comprehend the situation, not really. I knew something had to be done and there would be no real happy ending to this, but we had to act, that was without question.

  “Okay everyone, we don’t have much time but here goes…” What followed was an insane plan, but sometimes an insane plan is needed in an insane situation. Daniel admitted that he had the “trophies” hidden in Mark’s basement. Whoever was found in possession of these morbid items would be assumed to be the serial killer. Frank Reid was no more, he was literally at most a few fragments of bone on a remote hillside, and nothing could tie him to the killings that he had done—we owned the evidence, his legacy.

  Then Daniel admitted he had fantasized about setting up Lamb for a murder for quite some time. He explained to us how he had used Lamb’s computer to surf sites about serial killers and had even posted strange comments on forums using the name “Basketball Fan in Portland.” He had accessed many stories about Reid’s killings but then erased them from history files, knowing that a computer expert could easily find the links on the hard drive but Lamb would never know what was there. He only did this when he and Lamb were alone—no witnesses could connect Daniel to the surfing. Any investigator would assume it was Lamb.

  So what was the plan? Let Lamb take the blame for all of the serial murders. We would drive to his house, plant the evidence, and, most importantly, kill Lamb. The idea didn’t even jar me in the least, letting Lamb be sacrificed was a splendid plan I thought. The hard part, the part that even touched my soul, was that it would have to look as if Mark killed him in a confrontation. Daniel would use Mark’s 9mm with a silencer (this gun had never been used to kill anyone) and then find some way to have a small fire, just big enough to mask over any traces of fumes in Mark’s body. Then, Daniel would make it appear that Mark was so overcome with grief that he took his own life.

  It was insane, seemed really too simple, but if everything was done just right it would work. It seemed so ironic though, while I figured that Daniel could pull off killing Lamb to protect our group I wondered how he could end Mark’s life. Sure he was basically dead but he was still breathing, still moving, still functioning at a basic level. Mark seemed like a father image to Daniel. Maybe Daniel was like a son to him…one he replaced his own children with. If this were the case it had all the makings of a Greek tragedy.

  We discussed the specifics, but we did so in a fairly rushed manner. Daniel had been to Lamb’s on many occasions so he knew it was not hard to get in and out without notice. Lamb lived alone on a gravel road near the jogging trails. He also knew that lamb had several oil lamps. So after he would come into the house he would shoot Lamb, carry Mark into the house, and then position his body just right so as to then make it look as if Mark shot himself in the mouth.

  Then Daniel went in and got Mark’s cell phone to check contacts…sure enough, there was Lamb. He hit the number and it rang and rang and then Lamb answered, “Yes, who is this? Lindberg, is that you? What do you want? Well, thanks for nothing—you woke me up! See you Monday.” We assumed he was at home and we hoped he was alone. It was now late and Daniel was fairly sure he wasn’t into dating all that much—in fact Daniel said in all likelihood he was keeping company with his favorite whiskey and porn movie.

  Daniel loaded Mark’s body and put all the evidence in the car. Nothing could be left to chance. You could no longer smell any fumes in the garage and we made sure none of our possessions were left in the house. Realizing this was the last time I would be in Mark’s house I walked over to the mantle of his fireplace and took the little phoenix statue mounted on a quartz crystal. Maybe I wanted a reminder of re-birth although I knew I had lost the man I loved. I needed something to remember him by.

  Daniel would go totally solo on this kill—he would drive Mark’s car to the house alone and then we would meet him later, after the job was done. We asked if he thought this would be the right thing to do but Daniel was convinced this was the only way. He would make sure the story we discussed was the story left behind by the evidence. He would even take his shoes off and put Mark’s on to walk up to the door. Nothing could contradict the fiction of the events.

  We agreed that after Daniel finished with Lamb he would have to leave and go over to the trails and meet us far away. It was raining, which would cover any tracks, but it would not be the most comfortable journey—we estimated that it could take more than a couple of hours for him to walk to where we would park (we wanted nobody to connect Daniel’s car to the area—so we had to park far away).

  I really disliked Lamb but in my eyes he was just an annoyance, not someone deserving of this. However, we had killed a teacher who was innocent and really had desirable characteristics. So I did not feel particularly bad about framing Lamb to protect ourselves. However, I asked Nicole why Daniel had put so much effort into this project to take him down. Nicole promised to explain everything later.

  It was now time. Daniel was extremely careful not to cause any bruises on Mark, there could not be any questions in the police report as to what happened. I looked at Mark, the object of my affections, but still did not fully comprehend things in those anxious moments. We drove off, hoping that our encounter with the policeman earlier in the evening would not be repeated because now it would mean certain conviction, and a very long stay in a maximum security prison. We were fortunate however in that we saw no more cops that evening. Daniel drove off to Lamb’s house and we drove to the predetermined rendezvous point. Part of me, at that moment, wanted to touch him, to feel the warmth of his body, and to say “goodbye” but I knew if I had I would have burst out in tears again. His final act for us would be to make sure we were protected. I watched Daniel’s car drive away and I said goodbye in my heart.

  On the way over the fog in my mind cleared. I felt rage replace my feelings of sorrow and self pity. I suddenly became aware that Mark had abandoned me…and while I originally felt a form of guilt at contributing to his taking his life I realized that he had shown total ingratitude for what we had done for him. And to make matters worse why did he have to admit his feelings for me and then leave me? Not even my despicable father had been so cruel. He obviously knew what he was going to do and then to choose suicide over our future was a supreme act of selfishness!

  Nicole was silent so I started to talk. She seemed sad and worried, the first time I think I saw her display such an emotional state, so I asked if she thought Daniel could pull this off alone. She said if anyone could he would. Then she asked what I was feeling and I sat back, folded my arms like a mad little girl, and said “Nothing!” I then added, “And I never will again!”

  Silence now filled the car for about 10 minutes, the time it took to get to our meeting point—a dark, secluded parking area.

  Nicole suggested we move to the back seat as it was less cramped back there. Afterward, she took my hand and just sat there staring at it, squeezing me nervously. I believ
e she truly was scared that Daniel would not return, perhaps she would lose him like I had lost Mark. He was alone and Lamb was much bigger and stronger—anything could happen.

  I wanted to re-assure her, maybe it was an effort to remain strong and avoid my own pain. I finally looked at her and said that no matter what we would always be friends. I waited for a response—a few weeks earlier I would have feared what direction such a moment could take with her. What was she thinking? She just sat there, looking…and then she grabbed me in a strong embrace. I pulled back a bit …looked at her and realized how much the strong, unpredictable woman I was used to looked so vulnerable now. Without a word I took her and began to kiss her with an aggressiveness that must have shocked her as she seemed to struggle to break free, to pause to catch her breath, or…maybe to scold me for taking that step!

  I was not sure what Nicole wanted at that moment and it would not have mattered anyway. Nicole surprised me when she said, “Wait…I mean, maybe we shouldn’t…” but I was determined to take this in the direction I desired at that moment. I didn’t say a word in response, I just returned to my effort to take this to the limit. She was not able to say anything but she still offered some resistance—a weak attempt at breaking the embrace. However, I just held her tighter and pushed her body back into the corner of the seat. At that point she began to kiss me back with an intensity that took me by surprise. She started yanking at my blouse and I interpreted that as the “green light.” I sat up to unbutton my shirt as she pulled off her sweater.

  I knew I would feel disappointed in myself for what was happening, and what would happen in the following minutes, but I went there anyway. At that moment I needed to escape from myself. I was desperate to separate from everything around me, everything in my life, and to connect with someone on a totally different level. As uncomfortable as the back seat of that car was we managed to explore intimacy at a level that took my senses beyond what I had ever imagined possible. I had never allowed myself to lose control over my mind or body but this perfect moment allowed me to do just that. The dangers we faced, the horror of that evening, became less and less troubling as we both allowed our physical desires and passions to take complete control over us.