Lucky in Love

by Bishop, K. M.

  “Just before you go, do you have any questions for me? While the picture is printing out?”

  “Oh, I get a picture this time? That’s great.”

  “Yes, you can see a lot more of your baby this time, so we will give you one.”

  I don’t have any questions, so I simply wait for my picture, my heart racing with excitement the whole time. Of course, the image is grainy and black and white so I can’t tell what my son looks like, but my imagination runs wild. Half me, half Tony. It’s a wonderful image. Sure, it will be hard to see my child knowing how much he looks like his father, having that constant reminder, but if I’m honest, I can’t imagine anyone else in the world who I would want to have as my baby’s dad. He’s the only person who I have ever been in love with.

  Once I have the picture in my hands, I fire off a picture of it to Tara so she can share in my news. I don’t expect to hear from her because I refused her offer of taking the day off work to come with me, but she does. The call comes through almost the moment I set foot into the outside world, making me chuckle.

  “Hello, Tara, sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt your day…”

  “No, not at all. I’m glad to know that everything went well, and your baby looks dead cute.”

  “I know, right. Even though you can’t really see him, he’s lovely, isn’t he?” I stare at the picture again, getting lost in the emotion. “I feel like I really love him already. So much so. Is that weird?”

  “I don’t know. Probably not.” She laughs loudly. “I haven’t ever been pregnant before.”

  “I know, me neither. That’s why all of this is so crazy.”

  “Are you working tonight?” All of a sudden, Tara sounds concerned, and I know why. She worries about me working while I’m pregnant, I think that she would be happier if I was on maternity leave already. But that isn’t possible. I think I will be working up until my due date at this rate, and back at the moment I’m out of hospital with the baby attached to me… still unable to make rent. Not that I’m worrying about that right now.

  “I am working, yes. But don’t worry, I will take it as easy as I can do.”

  “I’m coming in for dinner so I can check that they are looking after you there. I don’t trust them.”

  “I know you don’t, but I will be fine, honestly. You don’t need to panic.”

  The truth is it’s nice to have someone caring about me since everyone else has turned their back. I wish that Tara wouldn’t panic quite so much but it’s nice to know that I have someone.

  “I’m coming in. You already know that there isn’t anything you can do to stop me. I’ll bring Jason with me.”

  “Ooh, Jason. Is this the new guy from work? What’s happening there?”

  This is someone new, a man who just started to work at the same place as her, and someone that I’m hoping will become a much healthier relationship. That’s what Tara deserves. No more screwing around.

  “I don’t know at the moment, but you can help me tonight by checking him out. Let me know what you think. Maybe with your heightened pregnancy hormones, you’ll be able to tell if he’s a god guy or not.”

  “I hope so, because up until this point, my judgement hasn’t exactly been amazing!”

  We laugh together, but it isn’t much of a joke really. It’s been a bit shitty which is why the only way forward for me is to shut down and focus only on myself and my son. That’s the only way I can trust myself.

  “I guess I will see you and Jason later then. I look forward to it!”

  I just have to hope that I don’t get jealous seeing my best friend fall in love. I want to be happy for her, nothing more, certainly not upset. Pleased for her and happy with the choices that have brought me to where I am.

  Chapter Eight

  Tony

  Urgh, this suit is horrible. I hate it now. I’m going to have to chuck it away the moment that I land in America. I can’t stand to look at it anymore. Not after it was what I wore for my father’s funeral. I will never be able to associate it with anything else. Perhaps booking a flight straight after the funeral wasn’t the best idea, but I have been looking forward to being with my mother for ages now. I just want to go back.

  England does not feel like home anymore, not at all. It’s cold and miserable, gray with death. I can’t even breathe in the air without thinking about my dad and the way that his lifeless body lay in that coffin. The sad thing is there weren’t even too many people at his funeral. Mom couldn’t come, nor could a lot of people from the office because they need to keep the business running, which was apparently his wish, so it was a little sad. Then again, even if he didn’t touch a million different lives, he definitely affected mine in so many ways. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be the man that I am today. So, I need to keep living well for him, to make him proud.

  I glance at my watch wondering if I have time to get changed, but I don’t. The last thing that I want to do is miss boarding just because I can’t stand what I’m wearing. If it gets that bad, I can always change on the flight I suppose. Actually, that might be a good plan. Have something clean and fresh to wear for my new start.

  I know that I have the business and I suppose I will have to come back for it at some point, but I can’t think about it right now. I just hope that Ben and Cole have it under control and that they don’t need me. They have been with the business for much longer than me, so they know it much better. It will be fine.

  I grab my phone and put in a call to Cole, panic getting the better of me. This is what I’m like at the moment. All over the place. Darting between being calm and happy about leaving and freaking out that I’m doing the wrong thing with my father. This is why I need Mom to reassure me. She was with my dad for years, she knows him really well and she knows me too, so even if she hasn’t always been around but I still need her with me now.

  “Hi, Tony, don’t worry, everything is okay,” Cole reassures me right away. I guess he’s getting used to my stresses now. “I will let you know if we need anything, but for now just trust me and Ben. We have it under control. You go home and enjoy your time in America. You need this break. We all know you do.”

  Thank goodness I have him, he’s amazing. “Thank you so much for this, Cole, it means a lot.”

  He is capable of calming me down whenever it gets too much for me too, just in a different way to my mom. He keeps letting me know that the company will be fine, that nothing terrible will happen because I’m not around, and I really do trust him. My father was a very intelligent man. He wouldn’t hire someone that he can’t trust.

  “Right, well I better let you go because of your flight. Let me know you’ve landed safely.”

  “Yes, I will do. Speak to you soon, Cole.” I even manage a bit of a smile. “Thanks again.”

  “Any time, Sir, you know that I am always on the other end of the phone.”

  “I’ve told you lots of times, just call me Tony. I will always just be Tony.”

  “Okay then, thank you, Tony,” he replies smilingly. “I will speak to you soon.”

  “Right yes, goodbye. Speak soon, Cole. I’ll call you again when I’ve landed.”

  I breathe out a sigh of relief once I hang up the phone. That’s good, he’s got it. I don’t need to worry. Now I just need to think about what my life is going to be like when I get back home. It isn’t going to be like last time, there won’t be a birthday party that I can go to reconnect with everyone. I might actually have to put the effort in and call Ethan myself to see if we can rebuild that friendship. I will also have to look out for Natasha as well. But since she’s going to be fuming at me, I will have to wait until I’m fully settled before I do. I will have to prove to her that I am sticking around forever more – probably – this time around. I absolutely can’t go back into her life if it isn’t for good. It isn’t right. I’m sure that I’ve hurt her too many times.

  Natasha Hatfield is the person I never ever wanted to hurt, but I’ve done so many times. O
nce when we were kids, probably fucking up the direction of her life as I messed up her exams, and now again, earlier in the year. At least there isn’t anything that I have done this time around to affect her life in such a dramatic way. That’s one thing to focus on… but I doubt she has any good feelings about me at all.

  I will make it okay again, I reassure myself. But this time I will do it right.

  I dart my eyes upwards as I hear the announcement for my flight called out. It’s time to go to the right gate and to start the rest of my life. A million emotions rise through me as I grab my bag and I start walking. I’m sad, happy, excited, nervous, all at once. Everything turns around from here, nothing will ever be the same again…

  * * *

  It’s hotter in America, that’s the first thing I notice. The temperature here is definitely better. And there’s a nicer feel to the air as well. Unless that’s because I’m in trousers and a tee shirt rather than a suit. Either way, it feels good to be back. Even after an eleven hour flight, I feel pretty damn good. As I grab my luggage off the conveyor belt, I even manage a proper genuine smile. It just feels like life will be easier here.

  “Oh, Tony!” Mom cries out from the arrivals lounge. “You’re here, at last.”

  “Mom!” I drop my bags and open my arms wide to embrace her. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

  “I know, you never ask me for anything no matter how many times I offer help, so this time around I decided to just come already. I’m not quite as fragile as you think. I can handle a pick up.”

  I suppose she’s right. There is one thing treating her carefully, so I don’t ever tip her over the edge again, and quite another to act like she’s a child absolutely incapable of doing anything. I need to work on that.

  “Well, it’s really great that you’re here, Mom. I appreciate it a lot.”

  She pulls back to take a look at me, staring at me like I have something on my face. She’s worrying. I wish that I could do something to make her stop panicking quite so damn much.

  “I’m sorry that I couldn’t come to the funeral with you, Tony. I feel so bad.”

  “No, it’s okay. I get it. It’s a long flight, especially considering you’re scared of flying, and very expensive. Plus, you and dad weren’t together since a long time, so it doesn’t make any sense that you’d come.”

  “I still wanted to say goodbye to him. He’s the father of my child and we shared a lot of years. If it hadn’t been such a long way, I would have liked to pay my respects to him. I hope you know that.”

  I smile thinly, not totally convinced but I don’t want to get into an argument with her right now so I let it slide away. It doesn’t matter if she would have been there or not anyway, it’s done now. That’s over, and I know she wasn’t there. I faced it alone and came out the other side, just about. I’m just looking forward.

  “Okay well let’s get going. I can only check-in to the hotel until eight…”

  “You aren’t staying at a hotel, are you?” she exclaimed in shock. “Come and stay with me.”

  “But I haven’t ever been to your place, Mom, and it feels weird. Especially right now. I don’t want to impose anything on you and I have already paid for the room, so it seems like a massive waste to leave it now…”

  “No, you have to. You absolutely must stay with me. I thought that was the plan. So I can look after you while you’re here in America. Because I assume that you must be going back eventually, with the business and all…”

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do yet,” I admit. “I haven’t really thought that far ahead.”

  “Ah right, I see.” She nods slowly, processing this. “Well, even more reason to stay with me then. I can look after you while you make up your mind about what you want to do for the rest of your life.”

  “You aren’t going to yell at me and tell me that I need to go back to honor Dad’s legacy? Because I’m torn, thinking that is what he would want me to do, but then I don’t know if that will make me happy…”

  “Son…” Mom rests her hands on my shoulders to silence me. “Don’t think too much into it. Not right now anyway while you’re grieving. But I can tell you this, your father wouldn’t want you to do something that makes you miserable. If it really isn’t for you, then that won’t be an issue to him. You gave a lot of your life up to help him already, so if you want to spread your wings to fly then now is the time to do it.”

  As we walk out of the airport, I feel a sense of freedom. This is exactly why I need my mom right now, because now that she’s doing much better, she always knows the right things to say. This is the time for me to figure out what I want. A lot of my life has been dictated by the actions of others, but now it’s all about me.

  “You know what, Mom, I think I will take you up on your offer and come to stay with you.”

  “You will?” she squeals and throws her arms around me. “That’s amazing news. Thank you so much.”

  She’s thanking me. Actually thanking me for allowing her to take me in. I wonder if she feels a lot of guilt about the past and she wants to make up for it. She doesn’t need to, I haven’t ever needed that from her, but if that’s what she needs to ease her conscience, then so be it. I am more than happy to go with the flow.

  Yep this is good, I think positively as we drive along the familiar roads as Mom takes me from the airport towards her place. This is right where I need to be right now. This is all good.

  I think that my father would want me to be here too, reconnecting with my mother properly at last and finding myself, searching out what makes me happy. This will be awesome. And if it leads me back to the road that I’m sure I was always meant to be on with Natasha, then even better! Then, I will finally feel like my life has begun once more. Only this time I refuse to let that life go.

  Chapter Nine

  Natasha

  “And the crib is how much?” I rake my fingers through my hair, more stressed out than I have ever been in my whole damn life. “Plus, the push chair and the baby bath… not to mention clothes…”

  I can’t cry here, I really can’t fall apart. That’s the last thing that will help me and the baby right now. But I don’t understand what I can do. I’m already on the bare minimum, living in the smallest place I can, hardly affording food. Now, I have all the baby stuff to get and I need to get it soon, and I can’t afford any of it. There are essentials for the baby, things that I really can’t live without. How can I make that happen?

  “I’m sorry.” The sales girl is looking at me like I have lost my damn mind, which isn’t too far from how I feel. “I shouldn’t be here, I’m just… I don’t know, this is all a little bit…”

  “We get a lot of stressed out mom’s to be in here.” She gives me a reassuring smile, but I can sense her hesitation. “That’s actually why we have ante natal classes every Thursday for just three dollars a week. There people share all kinds of handy tips with new moms, such as what you actually need and what you can live without. I know that we sell a lot of things here, but it isn’t all totally necessary…”

  God, I feel sick. Sick to my damn stomach. How the hell can I afford three dollars a week on classes to tell me how to save money when I don’t have a damn thing? I don’t know what I’m going to do here.

  “Thank you, I will think about it,” I lie. “You have been very helpful, but right now I just need to…”

  As I race from the shop as fast as I can with my swollen stomach, the panic dwells and truly sets in. There was never any question when it came to keeping my baby, even at first when I was utterly terrified, but now I can’t help but wonder if I have made the right decision. I mean, I love my child already more than anything in the world and I can’t wait for him to be born, but am I going to be able to raise him? Will I be a good enough mother without anything? How do unprepared people usually face these situations without losing their minds completely along the way? I can’t possibly be the only person to find myself in this state. There have
to be other women who didn’t think to use protection in the heat of the moment and then were left alone with the consequences.

  “It will be fine,” I whisper to myself. It’s a statement that has become my mantra, but that doesn’t actually mean anything. I just hope that if I say it to myself enough, it will start making sense. “It will be fine.”

  I almost step right into someone because I’m not in my right mind as I walk. After making an apologetic sound, I’m stunned to find myself staring at an all too familiar face, one that I didn’t expect to see again. The eyes I know all too well run down to my belly, then narrow as if this isn’t a pleasant sight.

  “Mom?” I whisper, needing her now more than ever. Not even for financial support but emotional. “Mom, please, I know that you don’t necessarily agree with everything that I have done, but…”

  “That’s putting it mildly.” She purses her lips together in a thin line. “Not exactly the words I would use.”

  “No, Mom, I know the words that you would use, all too well. But surely, we can…”

  I’m silenced by the iciness of her gaze. She really isn’t about to thaw and help me out right now. Even after all the moths to get her head around the idea, she isn’t impressed. I need to change her mind. So, I frantically reach into my purse and I pull the picture out. The ultra sound that I need to show her. Maybe upon seeing her grand child, she will be able to change her mind at last and we can be a family again.

  “Look, Mom. Look.” I wave the image under her nose. “I’m having a son. You are going to have a grandson.”

  For a second, it looks like she might be about to melt. Relief floods me, I feel it flowing all the way through me, I’m calm for the first time since I found out that I was having a baby.