I slide it through the letter box and listen in as it tumbles to the floor. There’s a silence for a moment which means Natasha has definitely heard it. I need to go now, I’m going to have to. The whole point of this is to give her space. And during this time, I need to do whatever I can to make sure I keep my promise to her. I need to get my head down and start proving that I’m getting my life together. The business, the roots, all of it. Once she sees that my life is here now, she might start to let me in. Even if it’s bit by bit, that will have to be enough.
Chapter Thirteen
Natasha
“He loves me?” I mutter as I read the words hand written on the page. “Is this for real?”
I want to believe it, I really do. I want to just lay my heart on the line and accept it all. It would be awesome to be safe in those feelings, to just know that he loves me and that I have nothing to worry about. But I can’t, can I? I have believed him far too many times and it’s too much for me.
I get it. His father had an accident and he had to go back, and I feel terrible that he died. Tony had a good relationship with his father, I think it was so much better than the one he has with his mom because they went to England together. Better than I have ever had with my parents. I’m glad that he was there when he passed because I can’t imagine anyone better to be there, but I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know if forgiving him and just picking up where things left off is the best idea. I don’t know if I can, if I even have that in me.
“Urgh, Tony, this is too much!” I growl loudly. “I told you to leave me alone.”
Without even thinking about it, I tear the letter up. The ripping helps me to feel a little better. I don’t know why I need it gone, I think it might just be overwhelming me. A weight lifts off me anyway. It feels good. I haven’t ever had even a scrap of control over anything before when it comes to me and Tony, but with this tiny little thing in my belly, now I have all the power over and I’m glad for it. I tear the letter into a million little pieces.
“Oh fuck.” But then I see the pile of tiny pieces of paper underneath me and an intense guilt sets in. Whatever effect those words had on me, they came from Tony’s heart. I probably should keep them just in case I ever need to see them again. In case he wants to know that I’ve read them. I highly doubt that I will be able to reply, so this will be enough. I gather them all up again, hating myself for being so stupid and I spend a little time trying to put them back together. It’s like the most impossible jigsaw that I have ever had to do in my whole damn life.
“Idiot!” I smack my hand against my head hard. “You stupid fucking idiot.”
I’m not going to cry again, I refuse to. I won’t give in to the urge because it feels like that’s all I’ve done recently. I’ve wept and wept. I haven’t taken action with anything. I need to be so much stronger.
“Why am I so fucking stupid? Why did I think that was going to be a good idea? Ripping things never solves any issues.” Then my eyes catch the clock and panic truly sets in. “Shit, and now I’m going to be late for work.”
I rush to get dressed, knowing that I’m not exactly going to look my best in the diner today, but it’ll be so much better for me to be on time. I have been late a couple of times in the last month, so the boss is already pissed off with me. I need to just try and get there already. Even if it involves scraping my hair back and going in make-up free. I don’t really need to impress anyone anyway, so it hardly matters.
I have to run. Well, sort of. I have to admit it’s much more of a waddle than anything else to get to the diner, and as soon as I step inside, I get the horrible cold feeling that it’s only going to get worse. The place is full of people already which isn’t typical, and every member of staff looks stressed as hell. There is an intense heat to the place which swims around the whole building, which pregnancy doesn’t agree with.
“Hey, Natasha.” I turn to see Kayla waving madly at me. “Hey, it’s you. It is you! I didn’t know that you were back in town… or still in town. I didn’t realize that you lived here.”
“Er, right, yes.” Now this is something that I haven’t had to face before. People from high school coming in here doesn’t happen. But now I’m faced with Kayla, Sam, and the others from their group. What the hell are they doing? This isn’t Kayla’s birthday. There’s no excuse for it. “Why are you here?”
“We’re actually all going traveling at the end of the week,” She smiles brightly. “Isn’t that awesome? We all saved up our money and now we’re going together. All over. It’s going to be amazing. We have to do it now while we’re young, don’t we? Before we have our careers and families in the way.”
They laugh loudly, forcing me to grit my teeth. It’s almost like they don’t realize that I’m the same age of them. Unable to do any of those wonderful things. I would love nothing more than to look forward to a trip around the world, but that hasn’t ever been for me. It never would be, so I best stop dreaming right now.
“Some of us didn’t bother to wait though,” Sam scoffs, his eyes on my stomach. “But no family.”
My blood boils, but I do what I can to push that down. I have had customers be rude to me before, but not like this. Not people I know either. Assholes that went to the same high school as me. But they never bullied me back then, and I’m sure as hell not going to let them pick on me now. I hold my head up high and jut out my chin before stalking into the kitchen. I might not have much dignity, but I refuse to drop it all.
“You’re late. Hatfield,” the head chef and boss calls out to me. “Again.”
“No, I wasn’t late, I was just out there talking to some customers…”
“With your jacket on? You know that isn’t allowed.” He refuses to look at me, continuing to stir the food, but I can see the rage in his eyes anyway. I’ve been on the wrong end of them too many times. “You know, I’ve been lenient with you because of the baby but my patience is starting to wear thin.”
“Right.” I nod sharply. “Sorry, it won’t happen again.”
I tear my jacket off and I get to work right away. I gather up as many plates as I can manage, and I take them out to the right tables. As I take orders and I talk to everyone in the diner, I do my best to ignore the judgmental stares of the people whose shit I definitely don’t need to take anymore. We don’t even share a class room. They can keep looking at me like that all they want and probably whispering about me, but I don’t have to give them the satisfaction of knowing that they’ve gotten to me. I can just keep on working my ass off as much as I can.
God, if this mess has taught me anything, it’s to never ever judge another person when I don’t know what they are going through. I wouldn’t want another soul to feel the same way as I do right now.
But eventually, I can’t keep avoiding them. I want to, but I’m already in trouble and they keep calling me over by name. The other waitresses are ignoring them because they don’t have to face them.
Every step over to that table is heavy, I feel it pushing down heavily on me. It’s a real challenge for me to move, never mind get a smile on my face, but I have to. Even if they laugh in my face, I have to.
“Yes, everyone,” I say with a fake brightness. “What can I get for you?”
“We want to know who you fucked?” Sam demands, making everyone else burst out into hysterics.
A heat of humiliation travels all the way through me, from the bottom of my toes to my head. I don’t need a mirror to know that I’m blushing, I can feel it everywhere. How dare this guy make me feel this way?
“Do you need anything or not?” I tap the pen on the page.
“Yeah, we’re trying to work it out and we think it might have been on the night of Kayla’s party. That’s when you fell pregnant, right? You did sneak off early as well. You definitely weren’t there when the cake came out and we all sung happy birthday to Kayla. So, was it someone from our class? Did you have a cheeky one night stand and now you’re knocked up and single?
Does someone need a punch in the face?”
As if he’s offering me help! He just wants to be a prick and humiliate me in front of everyone.
“I don’t need any help from anyone, thank you very much.” I roll my eyes, trying to act blasé about the whole thing. I can’t let them see the pain. “Now, do you need anything from me or not?”
“Ooh, now you’re offering me out.” Sam cocks an eyebrow at me. “Wow, you really are a slut!”
Everyone gasps loudly before starting to cat call top volume, trying to turn this into something that it’s not. Or that it doesn’t have to be. Something about the way he just called me a slut like that, combined with the sensation that I got when Tony asked me if the baby was his or not, makes me boil all over. I feel a burning, tearing and racing all the way through me. It’s intense, I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode.
“Fuck you,” I growl, but the voice doesn’t really feel like mine. It’s detached. A little primal. “Fuck you. You have no idea about me and my situation, so don’t act like you have a god damn clue.”
“Ooh, a little defensive, aren’t you?” Sam laughs. “What a fucking crazy bitch.”
A loud slapping sound absolutely fills the diner. It shocks everyone into silence. It’s only when I notice the stinging sensation in my hand and the red mark on Sam’s cheek that I realize what’s happened. I’ve slapped him to shut him up. In a way, that feels really fucking good. A guy like him needs a smack once in a while. But since my position here is already tentative, I know this isn’t going to go well for me now.
“What the hell have you done?” The voice from the kitchen grabs my focus, especially because the anger is so fierce. “Natasha, you can’t just go assaulting the customers like that. Especially not when you’re in the situation you are at the moment. In fact, I can’t deal with this anymore. This isn’t how I run a business. You’re fired.”
“But I…” I try to argue, knowing that I already can’t afford to live. Adding to this by having no wages coming in will only make that a million times worse. “I can’t…”
“Get out, Natasha, just get out.”
The group start laughing at me, even Sam. They know that they have ruined my life and they just think it’s funny. What sort of people would do that? A fiery hate burns through me, it makes me want to hit them all, but my violence has already cost me my job. I don’t think that ending up in jail will help.
Instead, I do the only thing that I can, and I walk away. I leave the diner that has been my home ever since I left high school and I walk hopelessly out into the world.
Chapter Fourteen
Tony
“Thanks, Mom.” I take the mug of hot coco from her and take a giant swig. It always used to irritate me that she seemed to think hot drinks were the answer to all of life’s problems when I was a kid, but now, especially after living in England for such a long time, I get it. It makes sense. “This is nice, thank you.”
“Now, son, you need to talk to me.” Mom narrows her eyes at me. “I know that there is something going on with you, and it has been for a while now. I’ve tried to let it slide because I thought that it was grief for your father, but now I’m starting to believe that it might be something else. So, I need you to tell me so I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can help me, Mom. That’s the problem.”
“You don’t think I have ever been through things, is that the reason? I haven’t suffered, so I can’t help you? Come on, Tony. I have lived a life. I have been through things. I might be able to do something. You always treat me like I can’t do anything, and it hurts me. You don’t give me the benefit of the doubt.”
I know that she is laying it on thick, giving me the guilt trip, but there’s a part of me that wants to share this anyway. I do need information, the perspective of someone else to help me.
“Okay, Mom, but this isn’t great, I already know it isn’t, so I only need constructive advice.”
She sits up straighter, which to be fair is probably going to be useful in a moment when I totally shock her.
“When I came back here a few months ago, before Dad had his accident which I went back for, I saw Natasha.”
“Oh, your girlfriend from high school?” Mom smiles. “I always really liked her.”
“Hmm, yeah I know. Me too. A lot actually. So, when I saw her again, I wanted to get back together…”
“She’s still single, right? I mean, I don’t see too much of her these days, but I don’t think she is with anyone.”
“No, she isn’t. Or she wasn’t back then, and I don’t think that she is now. So, we spent some time together and it looked like things were really going great, but then I got the call and I ran off. I… I raced to the airport without really thinking about it, and I didn’t give her my number or anything. I didn’t tell her why I was going.”
Mom begins to look understandably less impressed, “Okay, so what happened next?”
“Well, as it turns out, she was pregnant the whole time… with my baby.”
Mom gasps loudly. “We’re having a baby? I mean, you are having a baby? With Natasha? I’m going to have a grandchild? That is just incredible news. I’m so happy for you. And myself too. I’ve always wanted a…”
“Mom, stop before you get carried away. This isn’t what you think.”
“So, wait, Natasha isn’t having your baby? I don’t like you messing with me like this.”
“No, Mom, Natasha is having my baby. But she hates me. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“She hates you because you left in a hurry. I can understand that. I can see your frustration as well because you had to go, but her point of view is valid also. It’s a complicated situation.”
“I know.” My head falls in to my hands. “But what do I do about it? How do I make it right?”
“Only time can do that. You just need to be patient. Be patient and prove that you’re here. Physically and emotionally. You just need to be ready to be there whenever the child and Natasha needs you.”
“But what about the fact that I want her back, Mom? I love her. I want to be with her. I even wrote her this letter a few weeks back explaining everything, but she hasn’t responded.”
“Oh, son, there is nothing harder in the world than loving someone who doesn’t feel the same way. But there is also nothing that you can do about it. Now, I’m not saying that Natasha doesn’t love you, I can’t answer that without speaking to her, but I think that she has made her feelings pretty clear right now. She wants space, so that’s what you need to give her. Be available, but don’t push it.”
“Is that what you did?” Those words fly out of my mouth before I can think about it. I want to grab the words, to stuff them back into my mouth so they don’t hurt Mom, but it’s much too late.
“You mean by not being there enough after the divorce?” She sucks in a deep breath, but she doesn’t look as mad or cut up as I thought she would be. “I don’t know what I was doing if I’m honest with you, Tony. I have no freaking idea. I was a mess. My mental health was… was bad. I don’t think that helped the marriage as it was falling apart. I hurt your father, I hurt you. I didn’t want to keep hurting you again and again. So, the phone calls had to be enough even though I knew that they weren’t really. I had to be happy with that.”
I shake my head. Not because I don’t accept what I’ve heard but because I can’t make the same mistakes. I can’t be a phone call father. I can’t just be there now and again. This only reinforces what I already know. That I need to work double to make sure that Natasha knows how much I care.
“Thanks, Mom.” I push the mug away and rise to my feet. “I have to go now though.”
“What are you doing? You aren’t going to see Natasha, are you? She needs space.”
“No, I’m not, don’t worry. I understand that. I just need to do something else, okay? I’ll see you soon.”
As I leave her house, I grab out my cell phone and I log in to my
social media account for the first time in a very long time. There is someone who might be able to help me, someone who I didn’t think I’d reach out to.
Hi, Tara, I hope you don’t mind me messaging you in this way, but I could use your help. I don’t know if you remember seeing me the other night after you were a little drunk, but you told me about Natasha and the baby and now I need some help. If you wouldn’t mind giving me a call at some point, here is my number.
It’s surprisingly only a couple of moments before my phone rings and I’m guessing by the number I don’t recognize, its probably Tara. She’s seen my message already. I just hope she wants to meet.
“Hello?” I answer tentatively, half expecting all kinds of yelling to come my way.
“Hi, it’s Tara, I just got your message. I just want to say that I do remember. Well, not really but I know that I told you because Natasha gave me hell for it. I’m sorry you found out that way, I feel dreadful.”
“No, don’t worry, it’s okay. I mean, it was a bit of a shock, of course. But I’m just glad I know.”
“Is Natasha glad that you know? She hasn’t really said much to me about it all.”
“I… I don’t know to be honest. That’s why I was hoping that we could meet and talk.”
“Oh right, really?” Her shock makes me worry that I’ve done the wrong thing. “Erm, sure. I don’t see why now. I’m already in a lot of trouble with Natasha, so I might as well see you.”
“I don’t want to cause a rift in your friendship or anything. Sorry if I’ve done that.”
“No, it’s fine. It isn’t that bad really. You know what I mean. Yes, I will meet you.”
“Great. Where shall we meet? Maybe at the café next to the train station? For a coffee.”
Lucky in Love Page 8
