“Yes, sure. I finish work in just over an hour, so I will meet you there then. If you are there first, then order me a latte. Maybe some cake, I’m going to need the sugar after the day I’ve had.”
“Oh, sorry, Tara. I don’t mean to pile on. I will get you anything that you want. Two cakes if needs be!”
As we make our final arrangements, I’m glad. The letter didn’t work, to be honest I don’t even know if she read it, but even if she hasn’t been fully open and honest with Tara, her best friend is going to have a better insight into her than I do right now. Now I just need to wait for an hour to get what I need.
* * *
“This is weird, isn’t it?” Tara eyes me curiously. “Me and you being alone. I don’t think that’s something we have ever done before, just been here the two of us. We’ve always had groups of people around us.”
“You know, you’re right! We haven’t really, have we? We’ve always had others. Aside from the other night. The bar was filled with other people, but only me and you were talking to one another.”
“Hmm, unfortunately, I don’t really remember much of it.” She laughs awkwardly. “I am sorry.”
“Don’t be. I don’t think I ever would have found out if you hadn’t... I really don’t think Natasha would have.”
“You know, she isn’t being cruel.” Tara immediately jumps to her friend’s defense. “She’s stuck at the moment, trying to protect herself from the heart break. Trying to protect her child.”
“My child as well. And I know that I haven’t always been the best, but I will for my boy.”
“How can she know that though? How can she know that you won’t run again?”
As I settle in and explain the story of my father, I can see the shock in Tara’s eyes which means either Natasha hasn’t read my letter, so she still doesn’t know why I left, or she hasn’t shared that with her friend.
“I see… so you didn’t want to leave Natasha? That wasn’t in the plan at all.”
“No, it wasn’t! I love her. I have always loved her. I’ve always wanted to be with her. It’s just that life kept getting in the way. It kept pushing me away from her, leaving her with massive consequences that I didn’t know about every single time. But we’re having a baby… what clearer sign is there that we should be together? Me and her have always been meant to be. I’m pretty sure that she loves me too, underneath all that hate.”
“Oh, I think she loves you too,” Tara agrees. “She always has done. But I don’t know if she can trust you.”
“So, what can I do? How can I earn that trust back? If feels like we don’t have a lot of time. I don’t know what it is, but it feels like the moment the baby is born, she will never want me.”
“I don’t know about that. I’m sure that if you’re meant to be, it will happen in the end. I don’t know what you can do right now, but I will try and talk to Natasha. Try and see what’s going on with her.”
“You’ll help me?” I can’t hide my surprise. “Really, Tara? I don’t want it to be an issue…”
“Look, I can see that you’re genuine and that you really want to make this work. But if you screw up or leave again after I have helped you, I will hunt you down and kill you. Understand?”
I smile. “I have no intention of going anywhere or messing up again. This is everything that I want.”
Chapter Fifteen
Natasha
I can tell by Tara’s expression that she hasn’t come to my house with good news. Her lips are turned down into a frown and her eyebrows look like they’ve been knotted together for ages. After the shitty time that I have had recently, I really don’t know if I can handle any more stress piled on top of that.
“What’s going on?” I demand, refusing to give her a moment for small talk. “Don’t feed me any shit because I can see it in your eyes. There’s something bad and you’re worried I can’t handle it…”
“No, it isn’t that at all. I would never think that of you…”
“Stop right away, will you? We’ve been best friends forever. I know your face by now.”
“If you’re still having a really bad time then I’m supposed to be making things easier, not harder.”
“You’re making it harder by keeping something from me. Spill it, Tara.”
I watch her impatiently as she chews this inside of her mouth, still thinking about what she’s going to do next. She better decide that she’s going to spill the beans or I can’t be held responsible for what I’ll do. I’m already at the end of my tether. The anticipation is already threatening to rip me to utter shreds.
“Okay look, don’t be mad at me when I tell you this because I don’t think you’re going to like it.”
“Urgh, I don’t like anything that’s going on at the moment so just get on with it.”
“Well, I met with Tony yesterday to talk to him about it all.” My blood runs ice cold as I listen to the words coming out of her mouth. Is she serious? “I know that you won’t like it, but I feel like I needed to.”
“I didn’t even know that two of you were friends. Why are you meeting with him?”
“Like I said, I felt like I needed to hear him out. The two of you are having a child together and he’s here now, so when he messaged me and asked about meeting up, I thought that it was the right thing to do for you.”
“For me?” Shit, now I’m all mad again. Doesn’t she know not to screw around with a pregnant lady? “You went to see him for me even though you know I don’t want him in my life anymore?”
“But you do realize that isn’t possible, don’t you? He will have to be in your life…”
“Urgh, Tara, stop it. Why are you being on his side? You’re my best friend, yet you spend a few minutes with him and now you’re all about what he wants. That’s really shitty, you know that? I just can’t believe…”
“Don’t be like that,” she whines back. “Please, Natasha. You know that I always have your best interests at heart which is why I went to see him at all. I want to help you out with your future plans…”
“Yeah well, I appreciate the gesture, but I don’t need your help thank you very much. I can work out what I want to do myself. I might not want him to be in the child’s life at all, and that’s totally up to me.”
She hangs her head low, guilt rolling over her in waves. “I’m sorry, Natasha. I fucked up bad.”
“I just don’t get why you did it.” I throw my hands up in frustration. “That’s all.”
“I’m just going to tell you this, Natasha, and I know that it isn’t my right to do so, but I think that you should hear it. He loves you, he really does.” Her words cause the whole world to still. “I know that you might not get it or want to believe it because he’s hurt you so much in the past, but he does. Do you even know why he left?”
“Because of his father dying. Yes, I know, he wrote me a letter about it.”
“A letter?” Her eyebrows almost shoot in to her forehead. “Wow, that’s intense.”
“Mmm.” If only it wasn’t in a million pieces. I still haven’t fully managed to get it back together.
“And did he tell you that he loves you in that letter? Because I have to say that if a man writes down that he’s in love with you, it’s for sure real. Do you know how hard it is to get a man to admit how he feels? I had that stupid thing with Freddie for years and he didn’t admit how he felt about me. Now, with Jason… well, he’s a little more open, but still I don’t know if I could ever get an ‘I love you’ from him.”
I can’t help but smile at her words, but only a little bit. Tara has seen something new in Tony, and he has promised me that he’s a different person now, but it’s really hard for me to fully accept that. I don’t know if I believe that people can just change. I don’t know if I can ever believe that he’s for real.
I picture it for a moment. Me and him, together at last after all this time. Just properly together in a real adult relationship. Being parents to our son together.
It’s a calm image, one which is much nicer than what I’m actually facing, but at the same time it always leaves me with a serious pit of anxiety in my stomach.
“No, I can’t do it.” I grip on to my stomach hard. “I can’t do this at all. I can’t really imagine it which means I can’t make it happen. I will always be worried that he’s going to walk out on me again.”
“But he didn’t exactly walk out, did he? I know that it seemed that way, but it wasn’t.”
“His life is torn between here and England. He has a business over there so it always will be. I can’t just sit around and wait for him to be in America all the time. I don’t want to sound fragile, but I can’t hack it.”
Tara opens her mouth to say something else, but she seems to think better of it. She clamps her lips tightly shut and purses them out as if she’s trying to resist the urge to speak. She’s going to have to keep resisting because I don’t want to hear her singing his praises any more. This isn’t any good for me.
“I will just say one thing, that’s it. One little tiny thing.” She holds up one finger as if I don’t know how many one is. I almost want to scream at her, to beg her not to, but I guess curiosity gets the better of me in the end. “I think that you should at least let him help you. Right now, you don’t have a job and I don’t see you getting hired anywhere else while you are so pregnant, so financially you must be struggling. I would help you if I could, but I can’t afford to. I just think that since he is the father you could ask him…”
“To what? Pay my rent? Buy me baby stuff? Then he’ll think that I’m just after him for money, which isn’t the case at all. It hasn’t ever been. I will not ask him for stuff now.”
“Even if it’s better for your child? It might be time to push your pride away.”
I don’t answer her because I don’t know what to say. Instead I rise to my feet and I head towards my bathroom. I step inside, needing a break from this horrible conversation. I feel so utterly betrayed by her right now that I don’t know what to say. I get it, I do understand why she talked to Tony and I even get why she thinks that me and him should be together. It’s a nice ending. A romantic love story. But one that isn’t ever going to be real.
Not everyone gets their happy ever after, and me and Tony are a classic case of that. Maybe one day he will find happiness, he’ll find a woman that gives him joy. It’ll kill me to see it, actually it will tear me to pieces to see him falling for another woman, being happy and in love with anyone other than me, but if I don’t let him in then I will have to accept it. And I will remain on the same path of never opening up to anyone again. Perfect.
It might feel like shit, but it’s perfect. I need to just keep remembering that.
“Get it together,” I warn myself in a whisper. “Don’t fall apart, you fool.”
I wipe the wetness off my cheeks, refusing to accept it as tears, and I grip on to the side of the sink. The mirror stares back at me, a reflection that isn’t quite me, so I can’t really look at it.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I roll my eyes and pull my cell phone out of my pocket, furrowing my eyebrows together in confusion as I see my landlord’s name written across the screen. He never calls me unless it’s an emergency.
“Hello?” I answer, wincing at the weird bathroom echo.
“Natasha, we have a bit of an issue,” he barks angrily.
“We… we do?” Shit, my mind reels as I try to work out what’s going on.
“Yes, your rent hasn’t been paid. I left it a few days to give you time. But it still hasn’t come through.”
“Oh shit.” I rake my fingers through my hair. I thought that I had just enough money to cover it, but I guess I didn’t. I don’t know where I’m supposed to get it now if it isn’t there. “I’m sorry, I…”
“Will you be able to pay it today?”
If I had parents who were talking to me or rich friends, then maybe I could. But the only person that I know who could afford to help me out right now is the one person that I refuse to ask. It doesn’t matter to me what Tara says, I have survived the pregnancy this far on my own, I can do the rest.
“Not today, but I will soon. Just give me a few more days, I will get it to you. See, I’m pregnant and it’s making my job a bit difficult, but I will be able to sort it out soon, I promise you.”
There’s a beat of silence on the other end of the line because of my half lie. I don’t know if being pregnant is something that I should have told him right away, but he knows now.
“Okay, a few more days, but you know how it is, Natasha, I have plenty of people who want to move in to my apartments, and I need to make the building payments, I can’t afford to just let you stay for free.”
“I know, I know. I will sort it out. I promise you. Thank you for the time. I won’t let you down.”
The problem is as I hang up the phone, I know that I won’t be able to make my rent payment for this month. Or even the following month. There isn’t any money coming in and then as soon as my child is born, there will be even more going out. I really am in a hole here, sinking lower with no way out. I’m in quick sand, falling lower by the moment. Drowning as the sand fills my lungs, killing me slowly, painfully.
Fuck, Tara was right. She’s always right. That’s why I need to keep this inside, so she doesn’t find out what a state I’m in. I really don’t want her going to Tony on my behalf again. No, this is an issue that I need to deal with alone. Somehow.
Chapter Sixteen
Tony
“What do you mean she needs me?” I ask Tara desperately while raking my fingers through my hair. I’m supposed to be looking at office space right now, but this takes priority… whatever this is. “She doesn’t want to see me, she keeps making that very clear. I don’t think that she’ll accept any help from me right now.”
“That’s just her wounded pride. This is different. Very different. She doesn’t know how much she needs you.”
“Why won’t you just tell me what’s going on, Tara, you’re freaking me out here.”
“I can’t tell you. You just need to go and see her. Go to her place sooner rather than later.”
I hang up the phone without saying goodbye and pick up the pace. A million and one horrible possibilities flood through my brain giving me an actual physical ache in my chest. What if she’s in serious trouble? What if she’s in a real bad place and alone? Oh god, what if the baby has been born and something has happened?
My blood burns and boils, bubbling through me hard and fast. I can hardly breathe under the strain of it. It’s hard to keep myself moving while I’m so worked up. It’s a shock, a shock that could make me collapse.
“Oh…” I’m stunned when I turn up and find Natasha there standing outside with a very rounded pregnant belly. She’s upset, there are tears running down her face, but she’s unharmed. All the images that have consumed me make it a challenge for me to see reality. “Natasha. Are you…? What’s…? What’s going on here?”
“Why are you here?” she bites out, clearly annoyed that I’m seeing her this way.
“I…” I almost blurt out Tara’s name again, but I decide against it at the last moment. Tara has been in the middle of our drama enough, she doesn’t need to keep getting dragged in to it when she’s just trying to help. “I was just passing by. I wasn’t expecting to see you or anything, I…”
She gives me a look. My excuse isn’t flying, and I can hardly blame her. It sounds pathetic even to my ears.
“Look, I just have some stuff that I need to sort out.” She folds her arms protectively over her chest. “I don’t really want to stand around and chit chat with you when I have so much to do.”
I calculate using my own mind, since it’s clear that she doesn’t intend to tell me anything. The boxes surrounding her, her life surrounding her on the ground, the letter in her hand…
“Are you being evicted?” I gasp out. “You are being kicked out of your house? Now?
While pregnant?”
“That’s what happens when you don’t pay your rent. You get kicked out. I wouldn’t have been kicked out if I didn’t lose my job, but of course, Sam had to come in the diner and call me a slut…”
Woah, that word hits against me like a punch. That’s the last way that Natasha can be described. Just because she’s having a baby, doesn’t make her a slut or anything. How dare someone judge her? I want to smack him in the face. My fists ball up in my hands as I try my absolute hardest to keep my temper inside. The last thing that Natasha needs is me losing my damn mind right now. It seems like she’s going through enough.
“Why didn’t you just call me?” I demand. “I could have stopped you from losing your job. I could have paid your rent. There isn’t any reason for you to be kicked out of your place.”
“You haven’t been around, Tony.” She shakes her head hard. “I have had to do it all by myself. You don’t get to swoop in here like a hero. It doesn’t work like that. It isn’t fair.”
“No, I get that. But this isn’t just about me and you, is it? It’s about our child as well. Our son who will now have no home. It isn’t right. Not when I can do something to help you. I know that I haven’t been around, but that isn’t because I didn’t want to. I would love to be able to make up for what I’ve missed.”
Her bottom lip wobbles, I sense that my impassioned speech isn’t being taken as I intended it to. The last thing I wanted was for it to seem like an attack on Natasha. I just want her to know that I’m here.
“Let me help you,” I beg. “Let me pay your rent now. Let me do anything to help you…”
“You can’t pay my rent now. It’s too late. I have already been kicked out. I just need somewhere for the night.”
“My place!” I offer instantly, shocked that I haven’t thought of it before. “It’s big. There is plenty of room. It’ll be better for you there because then I can really look after you as much as you need…”
Lucky in Love Page 9
