Lips On My Heart

by M J Marino

  Of course, I saw her text messages come through and I listened to her voicemails. They were some of the sweetest things I’ve read or heard in my entire life, especially coming from her. My reasoning for not responding was simple. I knew if I called her and heard her sweet sing-song voice, I wouldn’t be able to get off the phone, or focus on the task at hand. I knew if I sent her one text message, it would lead to more texting, taking me away from the mission.

  The more distractions I indulged in, the longer it would take to complete the mission, which in turn would make it take longer to get back home. But reading and listening to those messages was something I took comfort in each and every day. And I was an asshole for not returning those comforts.

  In hindsight, my lack of a response was the worst thing I could have done. If one of my brothers did what I did to a woman they cared for, I’d be the first to call him out on his thoughtlessness. Why the hell was it acceptable for me to do it? Simple, it wasn’t.

  When her final text rolled through on day five of the mission, it completely threw me.

  *Fuck off, Maceo!*

  It was the moment all the pieces came together to show me my mistake. I quickly sent a text and it immediately bounced back.

  She fucking blocked me.

  There’s nothing scarier than the moment you realize everything you never knew you wanted is slipping through your fingers because of your own fuckup.

  I started calling her, but it wasn’t going to work, for the same reason as the text not going through. I yelled across our shitty hideout house for Gauge to give me his cell. But she wouldn’t answer it. Probably screening her calls like a good little girl should when receiving unknown numbers. I called two more times and was greeted with her voicemail each time. Doing the only thing I could, I left her a voicemail, hoping she would listen to it and call back.

  When Punk called to tell me he inadvertently spilled the beans about talking to me the night before, I understood why she snapped. I hung up and grabbed Triple’s cell next and it was more of the same, her voicemail and me trying to explain myself.

  Hoping for better odds, I grabbed all of my team’s cells and tried calling her from each one of them. But she didn’t answer. Message after message came pouring out of me. I was hoping and praying she would listen to one.

  I’m not proud to admit it, but I started losing my shit in front of my whole damn team. They were already on edge over the disheartening mission we were working. I flipped the room, screamed, and pounded on my chest as my worst fears were sinking in. I finally found the woman of my dreams and I fucked it up.

  My God, she must have thought I just fucked her and left after we finished, because I never explained why I was leaving. It would have taken a minute—a fucking minute—and I wouldn’t be in the position of losing her. My stomach rolled and I raced to the bathroom, vomiting.

  Gauge did everything he could to console me, but I was far past calming down. I needed to comprehend what she was going through the last few days for her to give me the middle finger. Maybe there was more to it. I needed to know if there was. I didn’t want to invade her privacy, but she wasn’t giving me any other option.

  I found my cell and accessed her accounts, going through her recent emails. All business and nothing else. I did the same with her texts and it was similar, aside from what she had been sending me. There was a recent text sent from Jacob, but she hadn’t responded to it. I disregarded it as I’m sure she had. But it was when I went through her call log that my heart stopped.

  She had called her fucking ex not thirty minutes after sending me her last text and then blocking me. Her call with him had lasted an hour. A fucking hour!

  No. No. No. This could not be happening. I fucked up, and she was running back to her ex-boyfriend? Fuck no!

  I fired off a text to Punk since I knew she was communicating with him, and he would ask her about the prick if I ordered it. Things went from bad to worse.

  Josephine’s a smart woman. It wasn’t entirely Punk’s fault he asked her not to delete my messages and she connected the dots, but as soon as I inquired about Jacob, she realized I invaded her personal life without consent. Fuck me!

  My fury was being an equal-opportunity cunt and taking it out on everyone.

  Punk was able to convince Josephine to unblock me, at least. I took full advantage by bombarding her with texts and voicemails. I was such a sap in all those messages, confessing my feelings and hopes for us in the future.

  For two weeks I left her messages. And for two weeks, I got no response back. I finally understood what she was going through those five days I hadn’t responded. The worry and heartache she had for me matched mine for hers exactly.

  At least I took comfort in the fact Josephine hadn’t reached out to her ex again. Perhaps it was something she needed to do for closure in order to move on with me. Yes, that had to be the reason for her calling him.

  With renewed energy to get back to my woman and make her see, make her experience my feelings for her, I went into full focus. Listening to my gut on a high-risk gamble was how we ended up finding the little girl and bringing her home. Gauge took over lead to finish up formalities, allowing me to hop on the first jet back home to Josephine. There was no time for stopping, eating, sleeping, or changing. I couldn’t afford to waste another second without her.

  Now I’m pushing well over a hundred racing us back to her place to pick up where we left off three weeks ago. I’m not a fool. I know I can’t charm my way between her thighs before we hash it out, but I have no shame admitting we will be having some long makeup sex afterwards. As soon as I pull up to her condo, she jumps off and races to her front door.

  Where the fuck is she going? I’m off my bike, bolting to shove my boot between the door and frame before she can slam it in my face.

  “Josephine, please let me explain myself,” I beg. She shoves harder against the door, but she gives up when she sees it’s no use.

  I shoulder my way into her entryway, only to have Hades pinning me against the door, snarling and barking against my chest. Her dog is no joke. He will do anything to defend his mamá. But I’m not anyone he needs to fear. I only want to love her.

  The dog hates me. I need to win him over, pronto. “Easy, Hades,” I say in a soft voice. “I’m not going to do anything to upset your mamá.”

  He barks four times, like he’s bitching me out, trying to communicate ‘you’ve already upset her.’

  I nod and rub a hand down his black coat to calm him down. “I know I’ve already upset her. I never meant to. I wasn’t thinking like a boyfriend. I’ve never had a girl to explain myself to before.”

  He cocks his head and grumbles up at me, as if saying ‘then why did you do it?’

  I nod again, as I keep rubbing my hand down his back, well aware Josephine is standing behind Hades, watching the whole exchange. Good, I want her to hear all of this.

  “In my head I thought I explained it. I said I got a text and had to leave. I never considered for a second I needed to explain myself more, but I forgot my norm is not the same as your mamá’s. My work is time sensitive, and I was in the zone. SOS usually means a child has been abducted. I’m not supposed to disclose any of this, but you and your mamá need to understand exactly why my mind was closed off.”

  Hades growls and bobs his head at me.

  “A governor’s eight-year-old daughter was kidnapped right from her bed along with her twenty-three-year-old nanny. He and his wife were at a gala. The assailants, who are affiliated with a drug cartel down in South America, killed all the security on site. I left your mamá and went straight to the military airport and was briefed by the governor’s security team on the flight out.

  “First day we spent on the ground gathering whatever intel we could from the locals and authorities. Second day we were busy setting up headquarters near where we believed they were located. The third day was the hardest. Governor received a video message. I’ll spare you the details of what they
did to the nanny.”

  Josephine gasps, but I don’t look up as I talk. I keep my attention focused on Hades who has now dropped from my chest to my feet, watching me closely, waiting to hear more.

  “The video was a warning. The same thing would happen to his little girl if the governor didn’t back out of a bill he was pushing to pass. It would make it harder to bring in illegal drugs to the state. On the fourth day we made a bust on the house where we thought the little girl was being held, but the tip was bad, and we blew our cover. It spooked them into moving her to a different location. Day five was a shit storm of surveillance and collecting info, working to track down her new location. That was when the last text from your mamá came through,” I explain.

  I’m not good at this. I don’t know how to show my emotions or say what I’m feeling without hearing a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me to ‘stop being weak.’ Subconsciously, I slap the shit out of that voice. If I can’t be man enough to own what I’m feeling for Josephine and express it to her properly, I don’t deserve her.

  I shut my eyes and hang my head, feeling tears running down my face, and I can hear Josephine crying, too. With Hades sitting back on his haunches now and no longer a threat, I direct my conversation to my pixie. She deserves this.

  “I knew I fucked up, but I didn’t know how badly until Punk called and said he told you I talked to him. You saw it as me having time for him and not for you, and that was never my intention. Punk had been leading a team in Denver in my absence. He had wrapped up and I wanted a run down.

  “Since I had him on the phone, I asked him to check in on my woman and use the excuse about breaking ground. I had him do it because I knew if I called or texted you, my attention would be completely focused on you, and not on the little girl I was there to help. The more distractions, the longer it would take for me to get back, and I didn’t want to waste a second away from you. Any time with you is too precious to fuck around with. I did what I had to do and brought the little girl back to her parents,” I admit.

  Josephine sucks in a ragged wet gulp of air, and I finally grow the balls to lift my head and look into her sad weeping eyes. Those fucking gorgeous blue pools bring down the last of my walls.

  “I don’t want you thinking I only wanted one last time with you before moving on, because I can never get enough of you. I don’t want you to believe I was ignoring you, because I wasn’t. I read every single text and listened to every message you left as they came in. Your words, your voice, they were what gave me the fuel to move faster and push harder to get the job done and come home. They meant everything to me even though I couldn’t respond. I failed you, because as much as I needed those messages from you, you needed them from me, too.

  “I have no excuse. I fucked up, and I was an unworthy asshole. And I’m sorry Josephine, so fucking sorry,” I cry, sinking to my knees at her feet, wrapping my arms around her torso and burying my face against her.

  The only times I’ve shed tears in my life were when my abuela passed and when I lost a brother-in-arms. I cry when I experience loss, but not like this. I’m full on sobbing. Even though I’m putting everything I have into winning her back, I may still lose her if she decides not to forgive me.

  This short, feisty, ill-tempered temptress has snuck up on me and wrapped herself around my frozen heart, warming it and bringing it back to life. I have lost so much in my life, and now I could lose the one person who gave me hope for something more than a lonely existence. I cry harder when I feel her fingers run through my hair.

  “Maceo,” she whispers with a shaky voice. “Taking off and not being in contact with me is only half the issue.”

  I choke down my sob and nod. “I know I overstepped my bounds when I asked Chase to hack into your phone and track you without your consent. It was wrong of me to gain access to your public and private accounts. I had no right viewing your call lists, texts, or emails. Everyone involved in the Mercy Ravens has open access to everything. It’s how we look out for each other. But we enter the club knowing this. I didn’t give you the option, and for that I’m sorry.”

  “But why did you do it in the first place?”

  “I told you my work is dangerous. Just because I complete a mission doesn’t mean shit can’t follow me home. I’ve had death threats, assassination attempts, and I’ve been caught and tortured. Do you honestly think I would consider getting involved with someone knowing I hadn’t put necessary precautions into place to protect them? I did it for your safety. As wrong as it sounds, I wasn’t going to tell you unless we decided to pursue a relationship. I didn’t want to freak you out. You wouldn’t have given me a chance if I requested this from you before we had our first date. It doesn’t justify my actions, but it’s the reason why I did it. I tried to tell you before I left.”

  She sighs heavily. “I know you did, but the text interrupted you. Are you still monitoring everything?”

  I swallow hard, afraid of her reaction. “All monitoring has stopped except for tracking your location. I will not end that unless you tell me to, or if you tell me we are over.” My nerves take over and I start to tremble.

  Hades is on me, licking my head, nuzzling against us while he whines. Well, I guess I won over her hellhound. Can I win her over?

  Taking a risk in my pride, I look up to her face and find her watching me with silent tears rolling down her delicate face. “Have you read my texts or listened to the voicemails?”

  She shakes her head and looks regretful. “I—I didn’t read or listen to them,” she says.

  I nod. I thought as much. Had she at least listened to one, she would have reached out to me. “Do you want me to tell you what my messages and texts were about?”

  Josephine sniffles. “Yes.”

  Man up, Maceo. Look her in the eye and tell her everything.

  “I talked about not being able to wait to hold you in my arms and grovel at your feet for your forgiveness. I talked about how you had every reason to be pissed off at me after I hurt you and how pissed I was at myself, too. I talked about how I made a promise to you before I left about your heart being safe with me, and I how I hated myself for having broken it. I begged you to give me a second chance, so I could spend every day putting your heart back together and making it stronger than before. I confessed how much I fucking need you, and how you couldn’t begin to comprehend how hard I’ve fallen for you.”

  Josephine quivers as tears tumble down her rosy cheeks.

  “The moment I laid eyes on you on the trail you caught my attention. But that night when we had dinner and we finally talked…I knew that everything in my life was going to change. You’ve woken something inside me I never knew I had. I can’t imagine living with this feeling if you’re not by my side. I don’t care if we hardly know each other. I don’t care if this whole situation is coming out of left field. I care about you. Josephine, I love you. Estoy jodidamente enamorado de ti. Please, let me prove it to you, mi amor.”

  Next thing I know, she’s sliding to the floor through my arms and she’s sobbing against my chest. I have no idea if her tears are a good sign or a bad sign. I hold her and the air in my lungs, waiting for a signal to let me know either way.

  After several minutes of her crying and me holding her, I take the risk and I cup her face ‘till she’s staring into my eyes. “This isn’t only lust between us. It’s complex and overwhelming, but I’m certain of what I feel for you. You own my heart, baby. You’re the first and only one to receive it.” I slant my mouth over hers.

  The first touch of her trembling lips against mine is like being welcomed home. I need more. I deepen the kiss till she’s moaning in my arms and fisting my shirt. I run my hands down her lithe body and start tugging her tank out of her waistband and over her head. Entranced, I stare down at her slender form and the swell of her small but round breasts hidden behind a black bra. My mouth waters with anticipation of when I will suck them into my mouth and palm them in my hands.

  He
r hands start yanking on my shirt, but it won’t budge. I chuckle as I help her pull it over my head. She runs her slender fingers up my bare chest and over my nipples. I groan as she pulls on them. Fuck, that feels good.

  My cock is growing painfully hard in my pants. I wrap my hand around both of her braids and tug ‘till her neck is exposed to me, letting me run my nose along her soft, citrus skin. She squirms and giggles under my touch.

  I pull back. “What’s so funny?”

  She reaches up and pinches my beard. “It tickles.”

  I smile at her wolfishly. “I can’t wait ‘till it tickles you in other areas.” She squeals with laughter as I attack her with kisses and abrade her skin with my facial hair.

  As much as I want to continue, I need to know where her head is at. I’ve thrown a shit-ton at her. Even in my own head, I know this is wild. But my head doesn’t decide who I love, that’s all my heart, and she’s the keeper of it.

  “Pixie, tell me what you’re feeling,” I ask between kisses.

  Josephine’s hand reaches out to cup my face and her brows pull together. “I’m scared,” she admits in a whisper.

  I shut my eyes for a moment, letting her worries wash over me. I’ll store them for her, and she’ll never have to worry again.

  My eyes open back up. “I know, Pixie. I’m scared too. But I’m more scared of walking away from the greatest thing to ever happen to me, all because I fear having my heart crushed. I’d rather have my heart broken by you, if it means having one day with you, than to walk away now and never have the time at all.”

  Tears trickle down her cheeks. “Fuck, Maceo,” she chokes as she gathers her composure. “You’re the most overbearing, controlling, and riveting man I have ever met. You both frustrate and inspire me. I’ve tried to ignore you and your demands, but I don’t want to, I never wanted to. If you’re in, I’m in, too.”