city, Iheard a darky commenting on a sign he had just spelt out, stretchedacross the sidewalk in front of a livery stable:
"Jist like 'em. Aftah dars no moh slabry dey stick up signs foh me:'Man-ure Free'!"
* * * * *
In the audience at a lecture on China there was a very pious old ladywho was slightly deaf. She thought the lecturer was preaching, andevery time he came to a period she would say "Amen!" or some otherpious exclamation. The people in the audience, which was composedmostly of the village church members, knew she was being reverent anddid not even smile when she exclaimed, until finally the lecturermentioned some far-off city in China, saying, "I live there." At thispoint clearly and distinctly could be heard the old lady, saying,"Thank God for that."
* * * * *
A pushing young actor who was playing understudy in one of Mr.Barrie's plays found his opportunity one night through the illness ofhis principal. He accordingly flooded his managerial and influentialacquaintances with telegrams announcing: "I play So-and-So's partto-night." Except that the theater was comparatively empty thisbreathless disclosure produced no result, except a telegram in replyfrom Mr. Barrie, to this effect: "Thanks for the warning."
* * * * *
It was a busy day in the butcher-shop. The butcher yelled to the boywho helped him out in the shop: "Hurry up, John, and don't forget tocut off Mrs. Murphy's leg, and break Mrs. Jones's bones, and don'tforget to slice Mrs. Johnson's tongue."
* * * * *
Ralph Waldo Emerson, like other men of genius, was absent-minded, and,when a fit of inspiration seized him, he was oblivious to the thingsof earth to a ludicrous extent. A story that is vouched for as trueillustrates this.
The old-fashioned matches, in use in New England in Emerson's time,were made in cards, or flat slabs, the matches being joined at thefoot, and separating at the top, like the teeth of a deep comb.Emerson was accustomed, in the midnight watches, to lie awakecommuning with his own thoughts, and, if any especial inspirationdeveloped itself, he would get up and write it down, lighting the lampfor that purpose.
One night, Mrs. Emerson was awakened by her gifted husband's voice, ashe called to her plaintively:
"What is the matter with the matches, my dear? I have struck seven,and not one will light. Where can I get some good ones?"
Mrs. Emerson got out of bed at once, and found the matches in theiraccustomed place. Her husband had not touched them.
"Why, what can you have been striking, in mistake for matches?" sheasked, anxiously, and beheld her best carved tortoise-shell comb,which the absorbed philosopher, had broken up, tooth by tooth, inmistake for the card of matches.
* * * * *
Instructor in Public Speaking--"What is the matter with you, Mr.Jones; can't you speak any louder? Be more enthusiastic. Open yourmouth and throw yourself into it."
* * * * *
"I confess that the subject of psychical research makes no greatappeal to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tardyes, told some friends in New York. "Personally, in the course of afairly long career, I have heard at first hand but one ghost story.Its hero was a man whom I may as well call Snooks.
"Snooks, visiting at a country house, was put in the haunted chamberfor the night. He said that he did not feel the slightest uneasiness,but nevertheless, just as a matter of precaution, he took to bed withhim a revolver of the latest American pattern.
"He slept peacefully enough until the clock struck two, when he awokewith an unpleasant feeling of oppression. He raised his head andpeered about him. The room was wanly illumined by the full moon, andin that weird, bluish light he thought he discerned a small, whitehand clasping the rail at the foot of the bed.
"'Who's there?' he asked tremulously.
"There was no reply. The small, white hand did not move.
"'Who's there?' he repeated. 'Answer me or I'll shoot.'
"Again there was no reply.
"Snooks cautiously raised himself, took careful aim and fired.
"From that night on he's limped. Shot off two of his own toes."
* * * * *
When the Rev. Dr. Henson, then of Chicago, came to the New YorkChautauqua to lecture on "Fools," Bishop Vincent introduced him thus:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are now to have a lecture on 'Fools' by oneof the most distinguished----"
Here there was a long pause, the Bishop's inflection indicating thathe had finished. The audience roared with delight, and roared again,so that it was some time before the sentence was concluded--"men ofChicago."
Dr. Henson, who is a man of ready wit, stepped to the front of theplatform, and said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am not so great a fool as Bishop Vincent----"and then he paused as if he had finished, and the audience went fairlywild over the situation. When quiet was restored, Dr. Hensonconcluded--"would have you think."
* * * * *
Doctor (feeling Sandy's pulse in bed)--"What do you drink?"
Sandy (with brightening face)--"Oh, I'm nae particular, doctor!Anything you've got with ye."
* * * * *
Every employee of the Bank of England is required to sign his name ina book on his arrival in the morning, and, if late, must give thereason therefor. The chief cause of tardiness is usually fog, and thefirst man to arrive writes "fog" opposite his name, and those whofollow write "ditto." One day, however, the first late man gave as thereason, "wife had twins," and twenty other late men mechanicallysigned "ditto" underneath.
* * * * *
At a dinner in Washington there was told a Scotch story of aparishioner who had strayed from his own kirk.
"Why weren't you at the kirk on Sunday?" asked the preacher of theculprit on meeting him a day or two later.
"I was at Mr. McClellan's kirk," said the other.
"I don't like you running about to strange kirks like that," continuedthe minister. "Not that I object to your hearing Mr. McClellan, butI'm sure you widna like your sheep straying into strange pastures."
"I widna care a grain, sir, if it was better grass," responded theparishioner.
* * * * *
Tommy, very sleepy, was saying his prayers. "Now I lay me down tosleep," he began. "I pray the Lord my soul to keep."
"'If,'" his mother prompted.
"If he hollers let him go, eeny, meeny, miny, mo!"
* * * * *
Perish the thought that the novelist or playwright should be tied downto historical accuracy! Lady Dorothy Neville quotes an amusingcorrespondence between Bulwer Lytton and her brother, Horace Walpole.
"My dear Walpole: Here I am at Bath--bored to death. I am thinking ofwriting a play about your great ancestor Sir Robert. Had he not asister Lucy, and did she not marry a Jacobite?"
Walpole promptly replied:
"My dear Lytton: I care little for my family, and less still for SirRobert, but I know that he never had a sister Lucy, so she could nothave married a Jacobite."
However, this mattered little to Lord Lytton, for his answer ran:
"My dear Walpole: You are too late! Sir Robert _had_ a sister Lucy,and she _did_ marry a Jacobite."
So in defiance of history, the play "Walpole" was written.
* * * * *
"Here's a curious item, Joshua!" exclaimed Mrs. Lemington, spreadingout the Billeville "Mirror" in her ample lap. "The _Nellie E.Williams_ of Gloucester reports that she saw two whales, a cow and acalf, floating off Cape Cod the day before yesterday."
"Well, ma," replied old Mr. Lemington, "what's the matter with that?"
"Why, it's all right about the two whales, Joshua, but what bothers meis how the cow and the calf got way out there."
* * * * *
<
br /> A Congressman once declared in an address to the House:
"As Daniel Webster says in his great dictionary--"
"It was Noah who wrote the dictionary," whispered a colleague, who satat the next desk.
"Noah, nothing," replied the speaker. "Noah built the ark."
* * * * *
Father (who has been called upon in the city and asked for hisdaughter's hand)--"Louise, do you know what a solemn thing it is to bemarried?"
Louise--"Oh, yes, pa; but it is a good deal more solemn beingsingle."
* * * * *
Captain Roald Amundsen, Norway's famous explorer, told this storyabout a National Guard encampment:
"A new volunteer, who had not quite learned his business, was onsentry duty, one night, when a friend brought him a pie from thecanteen.
"As he sat on the grass eating pie, the major sauntered up in undressuniform. The sentry, not recognizing him, did not salute, and themajor stopped and said:
"'What's that you have there?'
"'Pie,' said the sentry, good-naturedly. 'Apple pie. Have a bite?'
"The major frowned.
"'Do you know who I am?' he asked.
"'No,' said the sentry, 'unless you're the major's groom.'
"The major shook his head.
"'Guess again,' he growled.
"'The barber from the village?'
"'No.'
"'Maybe--' here the sentry laughed--'maybe you're the major himself?'
"'That's right. I am the major,' was the stern reply.
"The sentry scrambled to his feet.
"'Good gracious!' he exclaimed. 'Hold the pie, will you, while Ipresent arms!'"
* * * * *
A player for many years associated with the late Richard Mansfieldrelates that one day in Philadelphia, as he was standing by a hugeposter in front of the theater a poster that represented Mansfield inthe character of "Henry V.," a man who was strolling by stopped togaze at the bill. Finally, with a snort of disgust, he muttered as heturned to go:
"_'Henry V.--_' what?"
* * * * *
"There is an old negro down in my town," said John Sharp Williams, theformer Democratic leader of the House, "who did me a service. I wantedto reward him, so I said:
"'Uncle, which shall I give you--a ton of coal or a bottle of whisky?'
"'Foh de Lo'd, Massa John,' he replied, 'you-all shorely knows I buhnwood.'"
* * * * *
"No," remarked a determined lady to an indignant cabman who hadreceived his legal fare, "you can not cheat me, my man. I haven'tridden in cabs for the last twenty-five years for nothing."
"Haven't you, mum?" replied the cabman, bitterly, gathering up thereins. "Well, you've done your best!"
* * * * *
On the mighty deep.
The great ocean liner rolled and pitched.
"Henry," faltered the young bride, "do you still love me?"
"More than ever, darling!" was Henry's fervent answer.
Then there was eloquent silence.
"Henry," she gasped, turning her pale, ghastly face away. "I thoughtthat would make me feel better, but it doesn't!"
* * * * *
Once in Nice an Englishman and a Frenchman were about to separate onthe Promenade des Anglais.
The Englishman, as he started toward the Cercle Mediterranee, calledback:
"Au reservoir!"
And the Frenchman waved his hand and answered:
"Tanks."
* * * * *
During a Baptist convention held in Charleston the Rev. Dr. Greene ofWashington strolled down to the Battery one morning to take a lookacross the harbor at Fort Sumter. An old negro was sitting on theseawall fishing. Dr. Greene watched the lone fisherman, and finallysaw him pull up an odd-looking fish, a cross between a toad and acatfish.
"What kind of a fish is that, old man?" inquired Dr. Greene.
"Dey calls it de Baptist fish," replied the fisherman, as he tossed itaway in deep disgust.
"Why do they call it the Baptist fish?" asked the minister.
"Because dey spoil so soon after dey comes outen de water," answeredthe fisherman.
* * * * *
Blanche, Wilbur, and Thomas were in the garden playing, and making agreat deal of noise, but small Jack sat in a corner very quietly,which for Jack was an unusual proceeding. After watching them forsome time, the mother's curiosity prompted her to ask:
"What are you playing?"
"We are playing house," answered Wilbur. "Blanche and I are the motherand father, and Thomas is the child."
"And what does Jack do?"
"Sh, sh! he isn't born yet."
* * * * *
Governor Chamberlain of Connecticut used to tell of an old friend who,because of his deafness, made some ludicrous and at times embarrassingmistakes. Once he was at a dinner party where the lady seated next tohim tried to help him along in conversation. As the fruit was beingpassed, she asked him: "Do you like bananas?"
"No," said the old gentleman, with a look of mild surprise. "The factis," he added in a confidential tone which could be heard in the nextroom, "I find the old-fashioned nightshirt is good enough for me."
* * * * *
An Atchison woman with a little baby tells the following story. Shesays that a woman caller said: "What a dear little baby; how old isit?" "Sixteen months," replied the Atchison woman. "Well, dear me, itlooks older," said the caller, and then went on and talked and talkedand finally turned again to the baby, and said: "That precious baby,how old is it?" "Sixteen months," replied the mother. "Well, dear me,"smilingly said the caller. "Oh, such a big baby for its age," and wenton talking and talking. Again turning to the baby the caller said:"What a darling angel the baby is; how old is it?" "Eighteen months,"said the exasperated mother. "Well, I declare, it looks two yearsold," said the caller, and then talked and talked. Just as she wasleaving the caller stooped and kissed the baby and said: "Bless itslittle heart; how old is it?" "Ten months," shrieked the outragedmother, but the caller tripped gaily away; she had not noticed thereplies to her questions, and had no idea and did not care how old thebaby was.
* * * * *
A boy went into a confectioner's shop and asked for a glass oflemonade. When it was given him he took it, looked at it, and said hewould have a bun instead. The bun was given him; he ate it and waswalking out of the shop when the confectioner called after him, "Hi,you haven't paid for your bun." "No," said the boy, "I gave you backthe lemonade for that." "But," said the man, "you did not pay for thelemonade." "I didn't drink it," said the boy, and walked out of theshop leaving the confectioner calculating.
* * * * *
Two women overheard talking in a poor district of London: "Did ye ever'ear tell of Lot's wife?" "Well, no, Mrs. Brown, I can't say I everdid. Why?" "Well, I don't know very much about 'er myself, but I 'ave'eard tell of 'er that she turned into a pillar of salt." "Lord, didshe? What funny things one does 'ear nowadays. It was only thismorning I was out with my 'usband and 'e turned into a public-house."
* * * * *
Willie Green was not only chewing gum, but had his feet sprawled outin the aisle in a most unbecoming manner.
"Willie," said the teacher, "take that gum out of your mouth thisinstant, and put in your feet."
* * * * *
William was considered the brightest boy in his grade; upon hearing alesson recited in class once or twice he knew it quite well. Thus,while the other fellows were compelled to study hard he scarcely foundit necessary to open a book. At the expiration of the term one of thequestions in the written geography was, "What is the equator?"
William, always t
o be depended upon, wrote without delay:
"The equator is a menagerie lion running around the center of theearth."
* * * * *
He was an earnest minister, and one Sunday, in the course of a sermonon the significance of little things, he said:
"The hand which made the mighty heavens made a grain of sand; whichmade the lofty mountains made a drop of water; which made you made thegrass of the field; which made me made a daisy!"
* * * * *
A young Scotchman, bashful but desperately in love, finding no noticewas taken of his visits to the house of his sweetheart, summoned upsufficient courage to address the fair one thus:
"Jean, I was here on Monday nicht."
"Ay, ye were that," replied she.
"An' I was here on Tuesday nicht."
"So ye were."
"An' I was here on Wednesday," continued the ardent youth.
"Ay, an' ye were on Thursday nicht an'
Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1 Page 11
