a'."
"An' I was here last nicht."
"Weel," she says, "what if ye were?"
"An' I am here the nicht again."
"An' what about it even if ye came every nicht?"
"What about it, did ye say? Did ye no' begin to smell a rat?"
* * * * *
Rustic--"Well, Miss, I be fair mazed wi' the ways o' that 'erefisherman--that I be!"
Parson's Daughter--"Why is that, Carver?"
Rustic--"The owd fool has been sittin' there for the last six hoursand hasn't caught nothin'."
Parson's Daughter--"How do you know that?"
Rustic--"I've been a-watchin' o' he the whole time!"
* * * * *
A stately and venerable professor one morning, being unable to attendto his class on account of a cold, wrote on the blackboard:
"Dr. Dash, through indisposition, is unable to attend to his classesto-day."
The students erased one letter in this notice, making it read:
"Dr. Dash, through indisposition, is unable to attend to his lassesto-day."
But it happened a few minutes later that the professor returned for abox he had forgotten. Amid a roar of laughter he detected the changein his notice, and, approaching the blackboard, calmly erased oneletter in his turn.
Now the notice read:
"Dr. Dash, through indisposition, is unable to attend to his assesto-day."
* * * * *
The man in the smoker was boasting of his unerring ability to tellfrom a man's looks exactly what city he came from. "You, for example,"he said to the man next to him, "you are from New Orleans?" He wasright.
"You, my friend," turning to the man on the other side of him, "Ishould say you are from Chicago?" Again he was right.
The other two men got interested.
"And you are from Boston?" he asked the third man.
"That's right, too," said the New Englander.
"And you from Philadelphia, I should say?" to the last man.
"No, sir," answered the man with considerable warmth; "I've been sickfor three months: that's what makes me look that way!"
* * * * *
Five-year-old Nellie had been naughty all day. Finally her mama, avery portly woman, sat down and drew the little culprit across herample lap to administer the long-delayed punishment. Nellie's face wasfairly buried in the folds of her mother's dress. Before the maternalhand could descend Nellie turned her face to say, "Well, if I'm goingto be spanked _I must have air_."
* * * * *
"John," said the woman with nine chapeaux, "I got another new hatto-day." "My dear!" expostulated her husband, "that is the laststraw." "I know it," she said; "just from Paris."
* * * * *
A prominent Bostonian inquired of a London shopkeeper for Hare's"Walks in London."
The shopkeeper, after much search, found it on his shelves, but in twovolumes.
"Ah," said the Bostonian, "you have your Hare parted in the middleover here."
"What!" exclaimed the Englishman, blankly, passing his hands over hishead.
* * * * *
Mr. Blaine used to tell this story: Once, in Dublin, toward the end ofthe opera, Mephistopheles was conducting Faust through a trap-doorwhich represented the gates of hell. His majesty got through allright--he was used to going below--but Faust was quite stout, gothalf-way in, and no squeezing would get him any farther. Suddenly anIrishman in the gallery exclaimed devoutly: "Thank God! hell's full."
* * * * *
An Ohio man who was recently elected to Congress, went to Washingtonto look around and see what his duties were. He was hospitablyreceived, and was wined and dined a great many times by hiscolleagues. Before he went home he said to his friends: "By George, Ihave had a good time! I have had dinners and breakfasts and suppersgalore given to me. In fact, I haven't had my knife out of my mouthsince I struck town."
* * * * *
When Commissioner Allen had charge of the Patent Office in Washingtonhe was very punctilious about the respect due him and his position,and demanded full tribute from everybody.
One day, as he was sitting at his desk, two men came in withoutknocking or announcement and without removing their hats.
Allen looked up and impaled the intruders with his glittering eye."Gentlemen," he said severely, "who are visitors to this office to seeme are always announced, and always remove their hats."
"Huh," replied one of the men, "we ain't visitors, and we don't give ahoot about seeing you. We came in to fix the steam pipes."
* * * * *
One time there was a fire in a small town. It was being discussed inthe hearing of several of the citizens. One man said he believed itwas incendiary. Another replied: "Incendiary, nonsense! It was set onfire!"
* * * * *
Addressing a political gathering the other day a speaker gave hishearers a touch of the pathetic. "I miss," he said, brushing away anot unmanly tear, "I miss many of the old faces I used to shake handswith."
* * * * *
The Rev. Moses Jackson was holding services in a small country church,and at the conclusion lent his hat to a member (as was the custom) topass around for contributions. The brother canvassed the congregationthoroughly, but the hat was returned empty to its owner.
Bre'r Jackson looked into it, turned it upside down, and shook itvigorously, but not a copper was forthcoming. He sniffed audibly."Brederen," he said, "I sho' is glad dat I got my hat back ergin."
* * * * *
Pattern for all beneath the sun, To Taft award the palm and bun! They told him what they wanted done-- He done it.
* * * * *
Secretary Knox tells a good story of the last fight the late SenatorQuay, of Pennsylvania, made in the Senate. Quay was working hard onthe Oklahoma Statehood Bill, obstructing legislation, when a schemewas fixed up to get him away from the Senate for a time. Quay was veryfond of tarpon fishing and had a winter place in Florida. Oneafternoon he received this telegram from a friend who thought theSenator might be in better business than pottering around about newStates:
"Fishing never so good. Tarpon biting everywhere, sport magnificent;come."
Quay read the telegram and smiled a little smile. Then he answered:
"Tarpon may be biting, but I am not.--M. S. Quay."
* * * * *
"Now, children," said the teacher, "I want each of you to think ofsome animal or bird and try for the moment to be like the particularone you are thinking about, and make the same kind of noises they arein the habit of making."
Instantly the schoolroom became a menagerie. Lions roaring, dogsbarking, birds singing and twittering, cows lowing, calves bleating,cats meowing, etc., all in an uproar and excitement--all with oneexception, off in a remote corner a little fellow was sittingperfectly still, apparently indifferent and unmindful of the rest. Theteacher observing him, approached and said: "Waldo, why are you nottaking part with the other children?"
Waving her off with a deprecating hand and rebuking eyes he whispered:"Sh-sh-sh, teacher! I'm a rooster, and I'm a-layin' a aig!"
* * * * *
Bishop Brewster, of Connecticut, while visiting some friends not longago, tucked his napkin in his collar to avoid the juice of thegrapefruit at breakfast. He laughed as he did it, and said it remindedhim of a man he once knew who rushed into a restaurant and, seatinghimself at a table, proceeded to tuck his napkin under his chin. Hethen called a waiter and said, "Can I get lunch here?" "Yes,"responded the waiter in a dignified manner, "but not a shampoo."
* * * * *
A man and his wife were once stay
ing at a hotel, when in the nightthey were aroused from their slumbers by the cry that the hotel wasafire.
"Now, my dear," said the husband, "I will put into practise what Ihave preached. Put on all your indispensable apparel and keep cool."
Then he slipped his watch into his vest pocket and walked with hiswife out of the hotel. When all danger was past, he said, "Now you seehow necessary it is to keep cool."
The wife for the first time glanced at her husband.
"Yes, William," she said, "it is a grand thing, but if I were you Iwould have put on my trousers."
*
Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1 Page 12
