* * * *
One evening as the mother of the little niece of Phillips Brooks wastucking her snugly in bed the maid stepped in and said there was acaller waiting in the parlor. The mother told the child to say herprayers and promised that she would be back in a few minutes.
The caller remained only a short time, and when the mother wentupstairs again she asked the little girl if she had done as she wasbidden.
"Yes, mama, I did and I didn't," she said.
"What do you mean by that, dear?"
"Well, mama, I was awfully sleepy, so I just asked God if he wouldn'texcuse me to-night and He said, 'Oh, don't mention it, Miss Brooks.'"
* * * * *
"Would you mind walking the other w'y and not passing the 'orse?" saida London cabman with exaggerated politeness to the fat lady who hadjust paid a minimum fare.
"Why?" she inquired.
"Because if 'e sees wot 'e's been carryin' for a shilling 'e'll 'ave afit."
* * * * *
One afternoon during a recent sea voyage of Ex-Ambassador Choate thewaves were unpleasantly high, and the ship was rolling a bit, to thediscomfiture of some passengers.
Mr. Choate remarked: "'Tis better to have lunched and lost than neverto have lunched at all."
* * * * *
A certain minister was deeply impressed by an address on the evils ofsmoking given at a recent synod. He rose from his seat, went over to afellow minister, and said:
"Brother, this morning I received a present of 100 good cigars. I havesmoked one of them, but now I'm going home to burn the remainder inthe fire."
The other minister arose, and said it was his intention to accompanyhis reverend brother.
"I mean to rescue the ninety and nine," he added.
* * * * *
Expecting a visit from the superintendent of an adjacent Sunday-schoolone Sunday afternoon, one enterprising teacher, anticipating the lineof questions which would be asked of the scholars selected a boy fromher class to answer each question. As she had figured it out, thevisitor would first ask the pupils the question, "Who made you?" andthe first pupil was, of course, to answer "God." The next question wasto be "Of what?" to which the answer was to be "Of the dust of theearth." Unfortunately between the time that Sunday-school was calledto order and the visiting superintendent took the floor, the firstpupil was taken sick and obliged to go home. The teacher did not havethe opportunity to readjust her forces, and when the first questionwas asked, the second boy thought it a good opportunity for him to getin his answer and have it off his mind; so to the question, "Who madeyou?" he answered, "Of the dust of the earth."
"Oh, no," said the visitor. "God made you."
"No, sir; He did not," said the youngster. "The little boy that Godmade has gone home sick, and I am the dust of the earth."
* * * * *
When General Grant was in London on his trip around the world he wasinvited to Windsor Castle by Queen Victoria. The queen received theparty in one of the private audience chambers and chatted with GeneralGrant for a few moments before dinner was served.
Jesse Grant, then a small boy, was with the general, and stood justbehind him. As the general was talking, Jesse pulled impatiently athis coat-tails a number of times. Finally, the general turnedhalf-way, and Jesse whispered:
"Pa, can't I be introduced?"
"Your Majesty," said the general, "I should like to present my son,Master Jesse."
The queen shook Jesse's hand cordially, and that young man, thinkingit incumbent on him to say something, glanced approvingly around theroom and said: "Fine house you have here, ma'am."
* * * * *
Daniel J. Sully, the former Cotton King, made a trip through the Southone winter, and when he came back he told a story of an old negro whohad been working for a cotton planter time out of mind. One morning hecame to his employer and said:
"I'se gwineter quit, boss."
"What's the matter, Mose?"
"Well, sah, yer manager, Mistah Winter, ain't kicked me in de las'free mumfs."
"I ordered him not to kick you any more. I don't want anything likethat around my place. I don't want any one to hurt your feelings,Mose."
"Ef I don't git any more kicks I'se goin' to quit. Ebery time MistahWinter used ter kick and cuff me when he wuz mad he always git 'shamedof hisself and gimme a quarter. I'se done los' enuff money a'ready widdis heah foolishness 'bout hurtin' ma feelin's."
* * * * *
A Chicago mistress had given the butcher her daily order over thetelephone. Later in the day she decided to change it a little, andcountermanded an order she had given for some liver.
Calling up the butcher, she said:
"You remember that I gave you an order this morning for a pound ofliver?"
"Yes," answered the butcher.
"Well, I find that I can get along without it, and you need not sendit."
Before she could put down the receiver she heard the butcher say tosome one in the store:
"Cut out Mrs. Blank's liver. She says she can get along without it."
* * * * *
Tommy--"Ma, I met the minister on my way to Sunday-school and he askedme if I ever went fishing on Sunday."
Mother--"And what did you say, darling?"
Tommy--"I said, 'Get thee behind me, Satan,' and ran right away fromhim."
* * * * *
"My hair is falling out," admitted the timid man in the chemist's."Can you recommend something to keep it in?"
"Certainly," replied the obliging assistant. "Here is a nice cardboardbox."
* * * * *
An eloquent evangelist who was holding a series of protracted meetingshad been interrupted on several occasions by the departure of some oneof the audience. He determined to prevent further annoyance by makingan example of the next one so doing. Therefore, when a young man aroseto depart in the middle of a discourse, he said: "Young man, wouldyou rather go to hell than listen to this sermon?" The individualaddressed stopped midway up the aisle and, turning slowly about,answered: "Well, to tell the truth, I don't know but I would."
* * * * *
Mr. Seabury and his wife were on the point of moving to another flat.Both of them were anxious that the transfer should be made at theleast possible expense, and the nearness of the new home promisedmaterially to further this aim.
"I can carry loads of little things over in my brown bag," announcedMrs. Seabury. "And you can take books and so on in your big satchel."
In discussing further the matter of transportation, Mrs. Seaburyremarked that, notwithstanding the heat, she could wear her wintercoat over, and leave it, and return for her spring coat. The ideacharmed her impractical husband.
"Why, I can do the same thing!" he said. "I'll wear over one suit andthen come back for another!"
* * * * *
The ghost of Noah Webster came to a spiritual medium in Alabama, notlong ago, and wrote on a slip of paper: "It is tite times." Noah wasright, but we are sorry to see he has gone back on his dictionary.
* * * * *
Sydney Smith wrote to Jeffrey: "Tell Murray that I was much struckwith the politeness of Miss Markham the day after he went. In carvinga partridge I splashed her with gravy from head to foot; and, thoughI saw three distinct brown rills of juice trickling down her cheek,she had the complaisance to swear that not a drop had reached her.Such circumstances are the triumphs of civilized life."
* * * * *
During a certain battle the colonel of an Irish regiment noticed thatone of his men was extremely devoted to him, and followed himeverywhere. At length he remarked, "Well, my man, you have stuck by mewell to-day."
"Yis, sorr," replied Pat. "Shu
re me mither said to me, said she, juststick to the colonel, Patrick, me bhoy, and you'll be all roight. Themcolonels never gets hurted."
* * * * *
Miss Frances Keller, of the Woman's Municipal League of New York,illustrated admirably at a recent dinner party a point which shewished to make in reply to a man who had said, "Women are vainer thanmen."
"Of course," Miss Keller answered, "I admit that women are vain andmen are not. There are a thousand proofs that this is so. Why, thenecktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now up the back ofhis collar."
There were six men present and each of them put his hand gently behindhis neck.
* * * * *
As father was leaving the house one morning he looked in vain for hisumbrella.
"I expect sister's beau took it last night," ventured six-year-oldWillie.
"Oh, you naughty boy," said Sister Mabel; "how can you say that?"
"Why, it's so," Willie insisted. "When he was saying good night Iheard him say, 'I am going to steal just one!'"
* * * * *
During a conversation with a young lady Mark Twain had occasion tomention the word drydock.
"What is a drydock, Mr. Clemens?" she asked.
"A thirsty physician," replied the humorist.
* * * * *
Some officer had disobeyed or failed to comprehend an order. "Ibelieve I'll sit down," said Secretary Stanton, "and give that man apiece of my mind."
"Do so," said Lincoln, "write him now while you have it on your mind.Make it sharp. Cut him all up." Stanton did not need a secondinvitation. It was a bone crusher that he read to the President.
"That's right," said Lincoln; "that's a good one."
"Whom can I send it by?" mused the Secretary.
"Send it!" replied Lincoln. "Why, don't send it at all. Tear it up.You have freed your mind on the subject, and that is all that isnecessary. Tear it up. You never want to send such letters, I neverdo."
* * * * *
A certain old gentleman's lack of "polish" is a sad trial to hiseldest daughter. Not long ago the family were gathered in the library,one of the windows of which was open.
"That air--" the father began, but was quickly interrupted.
"Father, dear, don't say 'that air'--say 'that there,'" the daughteradmonished.
"Well, this ear--" he again attempted, but was as quickly brought to ahalt.
"Nor 'this 'ere'; 'this here' is correct," he was told.
The old gentleman rose with an angry snort. "Look here, Mary," hesaid. "Of course I know you have been to school and all that, but Ireckon I know what I want to say, an' I am going to say it. I believeI feel cold in this ear from that air, and I'm going to shut thewindow!"
* * * * *
"If you please, sir?"
"Well, Jimmy?"
"Me grandmother, sir--"
"Aha, your grandmother! Go on, Jimmy."
"Me grandmother an' me mother--"
"What, and your mother, too! Both very ill, eh?"
"No, sir. Me grandmother an' me mother are goin' to the baseball gamethis afternoon an' they want me to stay home an' take care of melittle brudder."
* * * * *
Office-boy--"Please, Mr. Jones, my grandmother is dead, and so I mustget off early to go to the funeral match--I mean the baseballceremonies--that is--"
* * * * *
"That makes a difference," said Willie, snipping off the left ear ofone of the twins.
* * * * *
Bill Nye, when a young man, made an engagement with a lady to take herdriving. The appointed day came, but at the livery stable all thehorses were taken save one old, shaky, exceedingly gaunt beast. Mr.Nye hired it and drove to his friend's residence. The lady kept himwaiting over an hour before she was ready and then, viewing the shabbyoutfit, flatly refused to accompany Mr. Nye. "Why," she exclaimed,"that horse may die of old age any moment!"
"Madam," Mr. Nye replied, "when I arrived that horse was a prancingyoung colt."
* * * * *
In "Some Reminiscences" by William Rossetti is the following anecdoteof Tennyson: "The witness was Allingham, to whom the incidenthappened. He was at breakfast at the house of the poet laureate, who,in a rather feeble moment of facetiousness, asked: 'Will you have ahegg?' 'Yes, thank you,' replied Allingham, who had scarcelyappropriated the proffered viand when Tennyson added, 'I suppose youunderstand I was only joking when I said hegg?'"
* * * * *
"Long introductions when a man has a speech to make are a bore," saidformer Senator John C. Spooner, one of the great Senate leaders. "Ihave had all kinds, but the most satisfactory one in my career wasthat of a German mayor of a small town in my State, Wisconsin.
"I was to make a political address, and the opera-house was crowded.When it came time to begin, the mayor got up.
"'Mine friends,' he said, 'I hafe asked been to introduce SenatorSpooner, who is to make a speech, yes. Veil, I haf dit so, und he villnow do so.'"
* * * * *
The "Outlook," of New York, tells a story of two church workers from asmall town who came to New York on a slum hunt, and were more thansatisfied. One of them was asked by a friend, on her return, where sheand her husband had been. "In the slums of New York for a day and anight," she answered, enthusiastically. "My dear, it was hell uponearth. We had a _splendid_ time!"
* * * * *
On one occasion a schoolmaster was very much annoyed by the conduct ofa certain boy in his class. At last, finding the culprit giggling forno apparent reason, he cried indignantly, "Now, then, W., what are youlaughing at? Are you laughing at me?" "No, sir," replied theastonished boy. "Then I don't see what else there is to laugh at,"came the reply.
* * * * *
"Good by, Jessie!"
"Good by, Auntie May. I hope I'll be a great, big girl before you cometo make us another visit."
* * * * *
The star pupil arose at the school entertainment to declaim his piece."Lend me your ears!" he bawled. "Ha," sneered the mother of theopposition but defeated pupil, "that's Sarah Jane Doran's boy. Hewouldn't be his mother's son if he didn't want to borrow something."
* * * * *
"While walking in one of the business thoroughfares of Pittsburg oneyear," says Robert Edeson, "my attention was arrested by a display ofshirts in a haberdasher's window, which for variety of sunset colorsfar excelled a Turner landscape when the sun is red and low, and therein the window in glaring green type a large sign read, 'Listen!'"
* * * * *
One of a party of gentlemen left his corner seat in an already crowdedrailway car to go in search of something to eat, leaving a rug toreserve his place. On returning he found that in spite of the rug andthe protests of his fellow passengers, the seat had been usurped by awoman clad in handsome clothes. With flashing eyes she turned uponhim: "Do you know, sir, that I am one of the directors' wives?""Madam," he replied, "were you the director's only wife I should stillprotest."
* * * * *
Mr. C., a distinguished lawyer of Boston, was on his way to Denver totransact some important business. During the afternoon he noticed, inthe opposite section of the Pullman, a sweet-faced, tired-appearingwoman traveling with four small children. Being fond of children andfeeling sorry for the mother, he soon made friends with the littleones.
Early the next morning he heard their eager questions and the patient"Yes, dear," of the mother as she tried to dress them, and lookingout he saw a small white foot protruding beyond the opposite curtain.Reaching across the aisle, he took hold of the large toe and began torecite: "This little pig
went to market; this little pig stayed athome; this little pig had roast beef; this little pig had none; thislittle pig cried wee wee all the way home." The foot was suddenlywithdrawn and a cold, quiet voice said: "That is quite sufficient,thank you."
Mr. C. hastily withdrew to the smoker, where he remained until thetrain arrived in Denver.
* * * * *
"'Deed I am going to get married," said little Winnie, the brightdaughter of a tenant on a quiet farm in a quiet county in "TheNorthern Neck" of Virginia.
"I don't believe anybody will have you," said Miss Mabel, thelandlord's daughter, teasingly.
"Yes, they will; I'll make 'em," said Winnie. "I'm going to getmarried and have _five_ children--two of 'em colored," thoughtfully,"to do my work."
* * * * *
A reverend gentleman was addressing a Sunday-school class not longago, and was trying to enforce the doctrine that when people's heartswere sinful they needed
Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1 Page 13
