regulating. Taking out his watch, and holdingit up, he said:
"Now, here is my watch; suppose it doesn't keep good time--now goestoo fast, and now too slow--what shall I do with it?"
"Sell it," promptly replied a boy.
* * * * *
The high-born dame was breaking in a new footman--stupid but honest.
In her brougham, about to make a round of visits, she found she hadforgotten her bits of pasteboard. So she sent the lout back withorders to bring some of her cards that were on the mantelpiece in herboudoir, and put them in his pocket.
Here and there she dropped one and sometimes a couple, until at lastshe told Jeames to leave three.
"Can't do it, mum."
"How's that?"
"I've only got two left--the ace of spades and the seven of clubs!"
* * * * *
The small son of a certain university professor, whose parents aredeservedly popular for their tact and courteous speech, appeared atthe home of a fellow professor and hesitatingly asked Mrs. X. if hemight look at the parlor rug. Permission was, of course, granted, andMrs. X. felt some surprise to see the little fellow stoop over the rugand stare silently for some half-minute. He straightened himself upand, meeting her wondering expression, said triumphantly:
"It doesn't make _me_ sick!"
* * * * *
Uncle Harry was a bachelor and not fond of babies. Even winsomefour-year-old Helen failed to win his heart. Every one made too muchfuss over the youngster, Uncle Harry declared.
One day Helen's mother was called downstairs and with fear andtrembling asked Uncle Harry, who was stretched out on a sofa, if hewould keep his eye on Helen. Uncle Harry grunted "Yes," but neverstirred from his position--in truth his eyes were tight shut.
By-and-by wee Helen tiptoed over to the sofa and leaning over UncleHarry softly inquired:
"Feepy?"
"No," growled Uncle Harry.
"Tired?" ventured Helen.
"No," said her uncle.
"Sick?" further inquired Helen, with real sympathy in her voice.
"No," still insisted Uncle Harry.
"Dus' feel bum, hey?"
And that won the uncle!
* * * * *
A member of the faculty of the University of Wisconsin tells of someamusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in English.The candidate had been instructed to write out examples of theindicative, the subjunctive, the potential, and the exclamatory moods.His effort resulted as follows:
"I am endeavoring to pass an English examination. If I answer twentyquestions I shall pass. If I answer twelve questions I may pass. Godhelp me!"
* * * * *
A clergyman was very anxious to introduce some hymn-books into thechurch, and arranged with his clerk that the latter was to give outthe notice immediately after the sermon. The clerk, however, had anotice of his own to give out with reference to the baptism ofinfants. Accordingly, at the close of the sermon he arose andannounced that "All those who have children whom they wish to havebaptized please send in their names at once to the clerk." Theclergyman, who was stone deaf, assumed that the clerk was giving outthe hymn-book notice, and immediately rose and said: "And I shouldsay, for the benefit of those who haven't any, that they may obtainsome from the ushers any day from three to four o'clock; the ordinarylittle ones at twenty-five cents each, and special ones at fiftycents."
* * * * *
Clyde Fitch, the brilliant playwright, said of a jeweled watch thathad been sent him by a Scotch admirer in Peebles:
"A jeweled watch from Peebles. How strangely unexpected! It reminds meof an open-air performance of 'As You Like It' that I once rehearsed.
"I rehearsed this amateur performance in a garden that was overlookedby a building operation. As my amateurs postured and chanted thebard's beautiful lines, bricklayers above us laid bricks, carpentersplaned boards, and masons chipped stones.
"And one afternoon, during a silent pause in our rehearsal, we heard avoice from the building operation say gravely:
"'I prithee, malapert, pass me yonder brick.'"
* * * * *
A clergyman who was very popular with his congregation saw a ladyabout to call whom he was anxious not to meet. So he said to hiswife:
"I'll run upstairs, my dear, and escape till she goes away."
After about an hour he quietly tiptoed to the stair landing andlistened. All was quiet below. Reassured, he began to descend, andcalled out over the balustrade:
"Well, my dear, you got rid of that old bore at last?"
The next instant a voice from below rooted him to the spot. It was thevoice of the caller! Then came a response which sounded inexpressiblysweet to him. It was the voice of his wife:
"Yes, dear, she went away over an hour ago; but here is our goodfriend, Mrs. Blank, whom I am sure you want to meet."
* * * * *
A lady and her little daughter were walking through a fashionablestreet when they came to a portion of the street strewn with straw, soas to deaden the noise of vehicles passing a certain house.
"What's that for, ma?" said the child, to which the mother replied,"The lady who lives in that house, my dear, has had a little baby girlsent her." The child thought a moment, looked at the quantity ofstraw, and said: "Awfully well packed, wasn't she, ma?"
* * * * *
A politician, upon his arrival at one of the small towns in NorthDakota, where he was to make a speech the following day, found thatthe two so-called hotels were crowded to the doors.
Not having telegraphed for accommodations, the politician discoveredthat he would have to make shift as best he could.
He was compelled for that night to sleep on a wire cot which had onlysome blankets and a sheet on it. As the statesman is a fat man, hefound his improvised bed anything but comfortable.
"Well," asked a friend, when the politician appeared in thedining-room in the morning, "how did you sleep?"
"Oh, fairly well," replied the statesman, nonchalantly, "but I lookedlike a waffle when I got up."
* * * * *
William Waldorf Astor, before he set out for his English home, said,apropos of the Russo-Japanese War: "Nations engaged in war not onlyharm each other, but they lay themselves open to harm at the hands ofall sorts of other nations. In fact, two nations at war are in thedefenseless and gullible position of a certain English married couple.
"This couple will fall out and cease to speak to one another for ayear or more at a time. They have a beautiful country house, and thereis a certain elderly matron, a great bore, who visits themcontinually. Some one asked this matron which of the pair was alwaysinviting her. She answered, frankly, 'Neither invites me ever, butsince they don't speak to each other, each always thinks I am theother's guest.'"
* * * * *
They were talking over the carelessness of well-to-do people who, byoverlooking their small bills, frequently bring disaster upon thetradesmen who are trying to do business on a small capital.
"It sometimes happens that these poor devils have two or three timesthe amount of their capital out in bills that if paid promptly wouldmake their commercial ways a path of roses," said the economist."Little bills of three, four, and five dollars, not much inthemselves, mount up high in the aggregate, and it sometimes happensthat a seeming prosperity, through the failure of a lot of customersto pay their bills within a reasonable time, results in ruin.
"And yet," said the reminiscencer, "it sometimes works the other way.I heard a story in England once of a harness dealer who on enteringhis shop one afternoon, after an absence of several hours, noticedthat a rather handsome saddle that he had had in stock haddisappeared. He made immediate inquiry of his salesmen, and one ofthem informed him that he had sold it to
a gentleman who had come tothe shop with his trap, that the purchaser had thrown it into hiswagon and driven off, after telling him to charge it. Unfortunately,however, he had forgotten to ask the gentleman's name, and all effortto identify him by description failed.
"'Well,' said the shopkeeper, who was an ingenious man, 'there is onlyone thing left to be done. We will charge the saddle up on all ouroutstanding accounts. Those who did not buy the saddle will, ofcourse, call our attention to our error, and the man who did take itwill, of course, pay."
"This method was adopted, and at the beginning of the next month thebills were sent out accordingly. Two weeks later the saddlerapproached his cashier, and asked if he had heard as yet about thematter. 'How about that missing saddle, Marcus?' he asked. 'We aredoing
Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1 Page 14
