Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1
Page 18
of love to all.
"Your affectionate daughter,
"ALYSS."
To this she received the following reply:
"_My dear Daughter Alyss_--I was glad to receive your letter and toknow that you are enjoying yourself. Uncle Jaymes came the other day,bringing Charls and Albyrt with him. Your brother Henrie wasdelighted, for he has been lonely without you. I have bought a newgray horse whose name is Byllye. He matches nicely with old Fredde.With much love from us all, I am,
"Your affectionate father,
"WYLLYAM JONES."
The next letter from the absent daughter was signed "Alice."
* * * * *
While Chauncey M. Depew was at the Omaha Exposition, he and PresidentCallaway of the New York Central chanced to go into a booth on theMidway Plaisance.
It was a tame entertainment and there was only a meager attendancewhen Mr. Depew and Mr. Callaway entered. Their stay would have beenvery brief except for the fact that they had scarcely taken theirseats before there began a steady inpouring of people, which continueduntil the small auditorium was crowded.
Taking this extraordinary increase of spectators as an indication thatsomething of an interesting nature was about to be disclosed, the twoNew Yorkers concluded to sit it out. Half an hour's waiting failed toreward their patient expectancy, however, and Mr. Callaway suggestedthat they move on.
Just then ex-Secretary of Agriculture J. Sterling Morton pushed hisway through the crowd, and, extending his hand to Mr. Depew,exclaimed:
"Well, Doctor Depew, so you are really here! I thought that 'barker'was lying."
"What do you mean?" inquired Mr. Depew.
"Why, the 'barker' for this show is standing outside and inviting thecrowd to 'step up lively' and pay ten cents for the privilege ofseeing the 'great and only Chauncey M. Depew.'"
* * * * *
That the royal road to learning is full of strange pitfalls isshown by some of the definitions and statements given byschool-children--some of whom are well along the way. The followingare _bona fide_ samples coming under the knowledge of one teacher:
"About this time Columbus was cursing around among the West Indies."
"Jackson's campaign in the Valley was the greatest piece ofmillinery-work ever known."
"The Valkyrie were the Choosers of the Slain, and the Valhalla theHaulers of the Slain."
"The eldest son of the King of France is called The Dolphin."
"The Duke of Clarence, according to his usual custom, was killed inbattle."
"Heathen are paragons (pagans) that wash up idle things."
"The Indians call their women squabs."
* * * * *
A certain curate in the course of conversation at a dinner party sometime ago remarked to a friend, "I had a curious dream last night, butas it was about my vicar I hardly like to tell it." On being pressed,however, he began: "I dreamt I was dead and was on my way to Heaven,which was reached by a very long ladder. At the foot I was met by anangel, who pressed a piece of chalk into my hand and said, 'If youclimb long enough you will reach Heaven, but for every sin you areconscious of having committed you must mark a rung of the ladder withthe chalk as you go up.' I took the chalk and started. I had climbedup very, very far and was feeling very tired when I suddenly met myvicar coming down. 'Hullo!' I said, 'what are you going down for?''More chalk.'"
* * * * *
Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she hadhelped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married.
"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months afterher marriage.
"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered.
"And is your husband a good provider?"
"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic reply."Why, jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at."
* * * * *
A certain curate was of a painfully nervous temperament, and inconsequence was constantly making awkward remarks--intended ascompliments--to the bishop and others. Having distinguished himself inan unusual degree during a gathering of clergy to an afternoon tea atthe bishop's palace, he was taken to task for his failings by a seniorcurate, who was one of his companions on the way home.
"Look here, Bruce," said the senior decidedly, "you are a donkey! Whycan not you keep quiet, instead of making your asinine remarks? I amspeaking to you now as a brother----"
Loud laughter interrupted him at this point, and for the moment hewondered why.
* * * * *
An earnest clergyman one Sunday morning was exhorting those who hadanxious and troubled consciences to be sure and call on their pastorfor guidance and prayer.
"To show you, my brethren, the blessed results of these visits withyour pastor," said he, "I will state to you that only yesterday agentleman of wealth called upon me for counsel and instruction; andnow to-day, my friends--to-day he sits among us, not only a Christian,but a happy husband and father."
A young lady in the audience whispered to a matron: "Wasn't thatpretty quick work?"
* * * * *
A good story is told of the late George Augustus Sala in his early andimpecunious days. At some festive gathering where Mr. Sala waspresent, Mr. Attemborough, the famous pawnbroker, was also a guest.They recognized each other, and shook hands.
"How do you do, Mr. Attemborough," said the journalist. "We have metoften before, but I think this is the first time I have ever seen yourlegs."
* * * * *
A clergyman in the West Country had two curates, one a comparativelyold man, the other very young. With the former he had not been able towork agreeably; and on being invited to another living, he acceptedit, and took the young curate with him. Naturally, there was afarewell sermon; and we can imagine the feelings of the curate who wasto be left behind when he heard the text given out, "Abide ye herewith the ass, and I and the lad will go yonder and worship."
* * * * *
A bishop was staying with a friend in a country house. On Sundaymorning as he passed through the library he found a small boy curledup in a big chair, deeply interested in a book.
"Are you going to church, Tom?" he asked.
"No, sir," he replied.
"Why, I am," said the Bishop.
"Huh," said the boy, "you've got to go. It's your job."
* * * * *
A celebrated continental specialist to whom time was literally moneyand who was possessed of a fiery temper made it a rule that allpatients should undress before entering his consulting room so as notto waste any of his valuable time. One day a meek-looking little manentered with all his clothes on. "What do you mean by coming in likethat?" said the doctor in a rage. "Go and strip at once!" "But I--"faltered the man. "I tell you I've no time to waste," yelled thedoctor, and the poor man left the room in haste. When his turn came hereentered the room. "Now then," said the doctor, "that's better. Whatcan I do for you?" "I called to collect your subscription for thebenevolent society."
* * * * *
A tall man, impatiently pacing the platform of a wayside station,accosted a red-haired boy of about twelve.
"S-s-say," he said, "d-d-do y-you know ha-ha-how late this train is?"
The boy grinned but made no reply. The man stuttered out somethingabout red-headed kids in general and passed into the station.
A stranger, overhearing the one-sided conversation, asked the boy whyhe hadn't answered the big man.
"D-d-d'ye wanter see me g-g-get me fa-fa-face punched?" stammered theboy. "D-d-dat big g-g-guy'd tink I was mo-mo-mocking him."
* * * * *
"Mother," said a college student who had brought his chum home for theholidays, "permit me to present my friend, Mr. Spe
cknoodle."
His mother, who was a little hard of hearing, placed her hand to herear.
"I'm sorry, George, but I didn't quite catch your friend's name.You'll have to speak a little louder, I'm afraid."
"I say, mother," shouted George, "I want to present my friend Mr._Specknoodle_."
"I'm sorry, George, but Mr. ---- What was the name again?"
"MR. SPECKNOODLE!" George fairly yelled.
The old lady shook her head sadly.
"I'm sorry, George, but I'm afraid it's no use. It sounds just likeSpecknoodle to me."
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