Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1
Page 22
"I am glad to have met you again." That lastword troubled Mark, who asked whether the King had not mistaken himfor some one else. The reply--"Why, don't you remember meeting me inthe Strand when I was at the head of a procession and you were on a'bus?" revealed the strength of Royal memories.
* * * * *
An Irishman and an Englishman were recounting feats of physicalprowess. The Englishman, by way of showing his strength, said that hewas accustomed to swim across the Thames three times before breakfastevery morning.
"Well," said the Irishman, "that may be all right, but it do seem tome that your clothes would be on the wrong side of the river all thetime."
* * * * *
An excess luggage porter at a large railway station said to a"commercial," "I see your luggage is overweight, sir." "Ah! yourvisionary powers are far too acute for me, my friend." "What did yousay, sir?" "I say you can see too well for me." "Ah! to be sure, sir.I take you----" "Could you see as well now if you had sixpence overone eye?" "Well, I don't know, sir, but I'm darned well sure Icouldn't see at all if I'd another over t'other one."
* * * * *
Henry James, the American novelist, lives at Rye, one of the CinquePorts, but recently he left Rye for a time and took a house in thecountry near the estate of a millionaire jam manufacturer, retired.This man, having married an earl's daughter, was ashamed of the tradewhereby he had piled up his fortune.
The jam manufacturer one day wrote Mr. James an impudent letter,vowing that it was outrageous the way the James servants weretrespassing on his grounds. Mr. James wrote back:
"_Dear Sir_: I am very sorry to hear that my servants have beenpoaching on your preserves.
"P.S.--You'll excuse my mentioning your preserves, won't you?"
* * * * *
An Omaha man was taking an automobile trip through the ranchingsection of the State, and to save time took a short cut over a badstretch of road, full of jolts and bumps. During the afternoon hismachine broke down, and, as the monkey wrench was missing from histool kit, he started on foot for the nearest ranch house to borrowone. On arriving he found the farmer repairing his fence.
"Have you a monkey wrench about here that I can use?" he asked.
"Ay tank not," replied the farmer. "Yonson in nax saction ha kapecattle ranch, Svenson down har ha kape sheep ranch. Faller bane bigfool to make monkey ranch in dese place."
* * * * *
Andrew Carnegie is fond of the Scots' national instrument, thebagpipe, and when he is at home at Skibo Castle usually has his petpiper to play for him at dinner. Particularly is the musician inattendance when the great philanthropist has guests.
On one occasion a big company of men sat down to table, and the piperpranced up and down the room as he played.
The whole thing was new to a French literary man, who politely askedthe guest on his right, "Why does he walk up and down when he doesthis thing? Does it add to the volume of the sound, or does it make acadence?"
"No," said the other, "I don't think it's that. I fancy it's toprevent the listeners getting his range with a knife or a waterbottle."
* * * * *
Some time ago Professor Brander Matthews went to dine at a certaindramatic club in New York. Going to the club letter box he picked upand perused a letter which seemed to be addressed to him. It was arequest from a tailor for the settlement of his little bill. As theman's name was quite strange to him he made a careful examination, andfinding that he had been mistaken, put the missive back into itsplace. Immediately afterward he saw the real owner take possession ofit, walk into the reading-room, read it carefully, and tear it intoshreds. Then, assured of an audience, the man whose clothes were stillunpaid for, assumed the weary smile of an accomplished ladykiller andremarked audibly, "Poor, silly, little girl!"
* * * * *
A street-car "masher" tried in every way to attract the attention ofthe pretty young girl opposite him. Just as he had about given up, thegirl, entirely unconscious of what had been going on, happened toglance in his direction. The "masher" immediately took fresh courage.
"It's cold out to-day, isn't it?" he ventured.
The girl smiled and nodded assent, but had nothing to say.
"My name is Specknoodle," he volunteered.
"Oh, I am so sorry," she said sympathetically, as she left the car.
* * * * *
A Jew crossing the Brooklyn Bridge met a friend who said, "Abe, I'llbet you ten dollars that I can tell you exactly what you're thinkingabout."
"Vell," agreed Abe, producing a greasy bill, "I'll haf to take dotbet. Put up your money."
The friend produced two fives. "Abe," he said, "you are thinking ofgoing over to Brooklyn, buying a small stock of goods, renting a smallstore, taking out all the fire-insurance that you can possibly get,and then burning out. Do I win my bet?"
"Vell," replied Abe, "you don't egsactly vin, but the idea is worth demoney. Take id."
* * * * *
Andrew Carnegie tells a good story illustrating the canniness of theScot.
An Irish friend had insisted that a Scotchman should stay at hishouse, instead of at a hotel, and kept him there for a month, playingthe host in detail, even to treating him to sundry visits to thetheater, paying the cab fares and the rest. When the visitor wasreturning home, the Irishman saw him to the station, and they wenttogether to have a last cigar.
"Now, look here," said the Scot, "I'll hae nae mair o' this. Hereye've been keepin' me at your hoose for a month, an' payin' for a' theamusements and cabs and so on--I tell you I'll stan' nae mair o' it!We'll just hae a toss for this one!"
* * * * *
"Uncle Joe" Cannon has a way of speaking his mind that is sometimesembarrassing to others. On one occasion an inexperienced young fellowwas called upon to make a speech at a banquet at which Speaker Cannonwas also present.
"Gentlemen," began the young fellow, "my opinion is that thegenerality of mankind in general is disposed to take advantage of thegenerality of ----"
"Sit down, son," interrupted "Uncle Joe." "You are coming out of thesame hole you went in at."
* * * * *
It is a well-established fact that the average school-teacherexperiences a great deal of difficulty when she attempts to enforcethe clear pronunciation of the terminal "g" of each presentparticiple.
"Robert," said the teacher of one of the lower classes during theprogress of a reading exercise, "please read the first sentence."
A diminutive lad rose to his feet and, amid a series of labored gasps,breathed forth the following:
"See the horse runnin'."
"Don't forget the 'g,' Robert," admonished the teacher.
"Gee! See the horse runnin'."
* * * * *
Miss Jeannette Gilder was one of the ardent enthusiasts at the debutof Tetrazzini. After the first act she rushed to the back of thehouse to greet one of her friends. "Don't you think she is a wonder?"she asked excitedly.
"She is a great singer unquestionably," responded her more phlegmaticfriend, "but the registers of her voice are not so even as, forinstance, Melba's."
"Oh, bother Melba," said Miss Gilder. "Tetrazzini gives infinitelymore heat from her registers."
* * * * *
Walter Damrosch tells of a matron in Chicago who, in company with heryoung nephew, was attending a musical entertainment.
The selections were apparently entirely unfamiliar to the youth; butwhen the "Wedding March" of Mendelssohn was begun he began to evincemore interest.
"That sounds familiar," he said. "I'm not strong on these classicalpieces, but that's a good one. What is it?"
"That," gravely explained the matron, "is the 'Maiden's Prayer.'"
* * * * *
A messenger came tearing up to the White House in '63, and hurriedlygaining admission to Mr. Lincoln, informed him in great excitementthat a large wagon train had been surprised a short way across thePotomac and a brigadier-general taken prisoner.
"Did they capture the train?" inquired Old Abe.
"No, sir, the regiment came up and saved it," answered the messenger,"but the general, Mr. President, is a prisoner."
"Oh, never mind