Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1
Page 30
high above his headand--crash! it flew into fragments alongside of the ill-fatedGaribaldi. "Ha! I to hell-a wid your George-a Wash! Ha, ha!"
* * * * *
Patrick arrived home much the worse for wear. One eye was closed, hisnose was broken, and his face looked as though it had been stung bybees.
"Glory be!" exclaimed his wife.
"Thot Dutchman Schwartzheimer--'twas him," explained Patrick.
"Shame on ye!" exploded his wife without sympathy. "A big shpalpeenthe loikes of you to get bate up by a little omadhoun of a Dootchmanthe size of him! Why--"
"Whist, Nora," said Patrick, "don't spake disrespectfully of thedead!"
* * * * *
One day a teacher in a kindergarten school in New York, preparatory togiving out an exercise said, "Now children I want you all to be veryquiet, so quiet that you could hear a pin drop." Everything hadquieted down nicely and the teacher was about to speak when a littlevoice in the rear of the room said, "Go ahead, teacher, and let herdrop."
* * * * *
It appears that the late Senator John T. Morgan, who was quitenear-sighted, while at dessert one evening in a hotel at Hot Springs,Virginia, experienced considerable difficulty in separating from theplate passed him by the colored waiter what he thought was a chocolateeclair. It stuck fast, so Senator Morgan pushed his fork quite underit, and tried again and again to pry it up.
Suddenly he became aware that his friends at the table were convulsedwith laughter, which much mystified him. But his surprise was evengreater when the waiter quietly remarked:
"Pardon me, Senator, but that's my thumb!"
* * * * *
A doctor named Brown had been the adorer for many years of a MissWhite. Unluckily his ardent love was not reciprocated. He had areputation for ready wit and did not allow even his unfortunate loveaffair to stand in the way of his exercising it. One night over aglass of wine in the club the good doctor frequented a wag remarked,"What do you say, doctor, to my giving the toast of Miss White, yourold flame?" "You may, and you'll not do any harm either to her or tome by toasting her as often as you please, for I've toasted her allthese years and there are still no symptoms of her turning Brown."
* * * * *
Minister (who struggles to exist on $600 a year with wife and sixchildren)--"We are giving up meat as a little experiment, Mrs.Dasher."
Wealthy parishioner--"Oh, yes! One can live so well on fish, poultry,game, and plenty of nourishing wines."
* * * * *
A woman who traveled a great deal in the West was known as the mostinveterate "kicker" a certain hotel had ever known.
One evening after she had been served with dessert this lady, who wasalways complaining, asked the waiter why the dish served her wascalled "ice-cream pudding."
"If you don't like it, ma'am, I'll bring you something else,"suggested the polite negro.
"Oh, it's very nice," responded the lady. "What I object to is that itshould be called ice-cream pudding. It's wrongly named. There shouldbe ice cream served with it."
"Yes, ma'am," replied the waiter, "but that's jest our name for it.Lots o' dishes that way. Dey don't bring you a cottage with cottagepudding, you know."
* * * * *
During a certain cruise the first mate of a ship got to drinking toexcess and was intoxicated for several days. One day, after havingcome out of this state, he examined the log book to see what hadpassed during his period of semi-forgetfulness. He was horrified tofind entered in the book for the three days consecutively, "The firstmate is drunk to-day." He did not want this to stand as it wouldhardly be a good recommendation for him to the ship owners and askedthe captain to remove the entries.
The captain replied, "It is the truth, is it not?" "Yes, but--"replied the mate. The captain interrupted him, "If it is the truth,the truth must stand. It is written in ink and can not be removedwithout injuring the book."
A short time afterward the captain was taken ill and remained so for aweek, and it devolved upon the mate to keep the log book. The captainon recovering from his illness got the book to examine it to see howthe mate had done his duty. Imagine his consternation when he read ineach of the seven days' entries, "The captain is sober to-day."
The captain immediately called the mate and indignantly questioned himin regard to these entries. The mate replied, "It is the truth, is itnot?" "Yes, but--" replied the captain. The mate interrupted him, "Ifit is the truth, the truth must stand, must it not? I have your wordthat the writing in ink can not be erased."
* * * * *
"It was the first week of his honeymoon," said the hotel barber, "andhe came in and sat down near the door to wait his turn. I yelled'Next' at him two or three times when my chair was vacant, but he wasdreaming and didn't hear me. Finally I touched him on the shoulder andtold him I was ready for him.
"'What do you want me to do?' he asked.
"'Why, get in the chair if you want anything,' I replied. 'This is abarber shop.'
"'Oh, yes,' he said, and then he got into the chair. He leaned back,so I let the chair down and shaved him. He didn't have a word to say.When I finished him up he got out of the chair and took the check overto the cashier. He paid and started out. When halfway through the doorhe stopped.
"'Say,' he said to me, 'what did you do to me?'
"'I shaved you,' I said.
"'Darn the luck,' he replied, 'I wanted a haircut.'"
* * * * *
The little daughter of a homeopathic physician received a ring with apearl in it on the Christmas tree. Two days later she poked her headtearfully in at the door of her father's office.
"Papa," she sobbed, "Papa, I've lost the little pill out of my ring."
* * * * *
He was from Pittsburg, Pa., and was stopping at the Manhattan Hotel.He wanted to telephone to a town about thirty miles away. He asked thegirl on the switchboard to get him long-distance, and followed it upwith asking the price.
"It will cost you 50 cents for three minutes," she said sweetly.
"Fifty cents! Ye gods!" cried the man. "I don't want to buy stock inthe telephone company. I only want to talk a minute or so.Why--why--out in Pittsburg we can call up all Hades for 50 cents!"
"Yes, I know, sir," replied the girl, "but isn't that within your citylimits?"
* * * * *
General St. Clair Mulholland, veteran and historian of the civil war,tells an incident showing the utter worthlessness of Confederate papermoney at the close of the war. "Shortly after Lee's surrender," saysthe General, "I was a short distance from Richmond. The Confederatesoldiers were going home to become men of peace again and werethinking about their farms. One had a lame, broken-down horse which heviewed with pride. 'Wish I had him, Jim,' said the other. 'What'll youtake for him? I'll give you $20,000 for him.' 'No,' said Jim. 'Giveyou $50,000.' 'No,' said Jim. 'Give you $100,000,' his friend said.'Not much,' replied Jim, 'I just gave $120,000 to have him shod.'"
* * * * *
The Magistrate--"You seem to have committed a very grave assault onthe defendant just because he differed from you in an argument."
The Defendant--"There was no help for it, your worship. The man is aperfect idiot."
The Magistrate--"Well, you must pay a fine of 50 francs and costs, andin future you should try and understand that idiots are human beings,the same as you and I."
* * * * *
Sentimental Young Lady--"Ah Professor! what would this old oak say ifit could talk?"
Professor--"It would say, 'I am an elm.'"
* * * * *
"You needn't begin jollying me," said the gruff man to the man who hadland to sell. "I'm not a man that can be affected by flattery. WhenI-
-"
"That's just what I said to my boss," interrupted the agent. "I toldhim, when he suggested your name to me, that it was a relief to callon a man who did not expect to be praised and flattered to his faceall the time. I tell you, Mr. Grump, this city has mighty few men suchas you. Nine men out of ten are simply dying to have some one tellthem how great they are, but you are above such weakness. Any one cansee that at a glance. I'm glad of it. It's helpful to me