The Juggling Act

by Carol Maloney Scott

  Whew, I guess I will make two trips. Or better yet, Brandon can haul his ass out here and get the rest of this stuff.

  I peek into the bag of treasures and smile. Sweet little Aidan. What a blessing that Claire was finally able to experience the joys of motherhood. I guess I do have Brandon to thank for that. Claire can be difficult at times—I don’t know where she gets that. Probably from her father.

  I climb the porch steps and heave the huge Target bag onto the porch. I ring the bell and wait. Really I shouldn’t have to ring the bell. It’s not like Claire is here and they could be…doing anything. And it’s daytime, after all.

  Peering through the side windows, I see Aidan in his highchair with the two furry darlings. These windows provide a perfect view down the hall and into the open kitchen. Where the hell is Brandon? That child is just sitting there all alone.

  Never mind, I’m just going in…dear Lord…what the hell??????? My heart is pounding and I blink my eyes hard several times, but no. Son of a bitch…forgive me, Lord. I rarely swear, but it’s not every day you look into your daughter’s home and see a bare-breasted fat girl walking out of her bedroom while she’s OUT OF TOWN!

  Or was that the nanny’s room? I smack myself in the head, and lean back against the doorframe to rub it. I glance around the street as I freeze my ass off, looking like a moron spying on the front porch.

  I turn back to my mission and slowly peek around the corner instead of standing directly in front of the window. And who cares what room she’s walking out of? Her boobs are smashing against her big gut…I am going to murder…I reach for the doorknob and now I see Brandon in the hallway, shirtless. I am sure he just came out of the same room. What the hell is going on here? Or did he? I can’t see too well, but he’s up there with her, and who the hell walks around in their employer’s home naked?

  The door suddenly opens and I receive a quizzical look from my treacherous son-in-law, as he sees me tucked into the corner of the porch.

  “Hi, Claire. I’m sorry, have you been waiting long?”

  Brandon

  Claire’s mother fixes me with a murderous gaze. Jeez, she only rang the bell once. It took me a minute to smash all the dirty laundry into Aidan’s closet and hide the diaper genie, which I don’t know how to change. Then I had to put a shirt on…

  Before I can complete my thought, she pokes me with her red talon (like mother, like daughter), and pushes me back into the house.

  “What the hell is going on?” I will play the sweet, polite son-in-law to a point, but I am not a wuss.

  “That’s exactly what I would like to know!”

  She breezes into the foyer, heaving an enormous shopping bag, presumably overflowing with gifts to spoil our son and dogs.

  “Claire, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  When we first got married I asked if I should call Claire, and her husband John, ‘Mom and Dad,’ but I was informed that I already have my own parents and that would be weird.

  “I saw you and that…that…big hussy! And my poor grandson is locked in his highchair with only the doggies for company. This is disgraceful behavior. I knew when Claire married you that you were too young, and the rock n’ roll lifestyle was bound to lead to no good. Then she gets a nanny because her buffoon ex-husband tries to convince her…never mind. I am rescuing my grandson.”

  She goes running to the kitchen with me at her heels. I have no idea what she’s babbling about. I heard Tatiana moving around earlier, but I haven’t even seen her yet this morning. I have a book deadline, and the band is coming over tonight to practice some new songs, and now I have to prevent my son from being kidnapped by his deranged grandmother. Where the fuck is John? He needs to be here to control his…

  “Oh, precious Aidan, Grandma is here.”

  She lifts him out of the highchair. I really hope I can reason with her, and I don’t have to wrestle my child out of her arms or call the police. That would make Claire like me even less than she already does. Claire...oh my God! I have got to resolve this insanity before her mother calls her and initiates a complete breakdown of reality. And what’s left of my marriage.

  “Claire,” I begin with the ‘talking the crazy person off the ledge’ voice. “Please put Aidan down. You are going to scare him. Can we please calmly discuss what you’re so upset about? There must be some misunderstanding. I haven’t even seen Tatiana this morning, but I do agree she’s not the best employee.”

  She holds Aidan, who is oblivious to the mayhem around him, as she addresses Dixie and Duncan, ignoring me. “Hello, little sweeties. Grandma has treats for everyone.”

  She turns back to me. “I suppose it’s safe to leave the dogs here with you and Jezebel…it’s not like they will be scarred for life, like your son.”

  She widens her eyes and now I am getting scared of being in the kitchen with her. There’s a big knife on the counter that I used to cut up fruit earlier. And where the hell is Tatiana? What the hell was she doing that Claire thinks she saw? Waving her tits out her bedroom window and calling my name?

  Claire sighs and puts Aidan down. She whispers, “Hold on a minute.”

  She takes Aidan by the hand into the playroom and sits down with him on the floor, showing him his new treasures. As usual, he wants what he can’t have, grabbing Grandma’s purse. This kid just has too much of everything. The manufacturers can’t make enough new toys to keep up with Grandma’s buying.

  “Oh, you want Grandma’s purse? Here, I know what will keep you occupied.” She hands Aidan her filthy key ring, which of course will go directly in his mouth. If I did that, she would call child protective services.

  Even though she’s pissed at me, I am not going to stand here like an asshole and let her take charge of my kid. “Claire, those are filthy. He’s going to suck on them.”

  She stands up abruptly and as soon as she turns away from Aidan, her smile turns back to the homicidal glare. And here comes the fingernail to the chest. “Listen, I am WAY more concerned about what you’ve been sucking on.”

  The uncharacteristic vulgar reference from my mother-in-law both shocks and disgusts me. Oh, and then there’s the fear creeping back in. I must resolve this before my wife gets involved.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Would you please explain yourself?!”

  She walks back into the kitchen to give the dogs their new treats and chew toys so they will settle down. They each take a furry, squeaky toy and begin to simultaneously murder the stuffed squirrel and monkey. I hope I fair better today.

  She marches back into the living room at the front of the house, dragging me by the arm. She releases her grip before I lose the last shred of my manhood.

  “I saw your nanny bare-breasted in the upstairs hallway, coming out of YOUR bedroom!”

  “No, you didn’t. How is that even possible?” I rub my stubbly chin as I try to think of the angle through the front door side windows. How the hell could she see upstairs?

  “Don’t you dare lie to me! I know what I saw. And THEN not a moment later I saw you coming out with no shirt on!”

  I sigh and slump onto the couch, lowering my head between my knees.

  I sit up and rub my face. “Okay, sit down.”

  She taps her foot in defiance, but I roll my eyes and point to the side chair. She reluctantly perches on the edge, her back ramrod in anger and purpose. She folds her arms. “I’m waiting.”

  I go on to explain that Tatiana has a little problem keeping herself fully clothed, although I have NEVER seen her actually naked before.

  I figure out that Tatiana may have come in my bedroom with her tatas on display at the same time I was in my bathroom, rooting around for some air freshener to spray in Aidan’s stinky room. The doorbell probably startled her and she ran out before she had a chance to make her move. And after I heard the bell, I quickly booked back to the nursery, and then grabbed a shirt from the laundry pile in Aidan’s room.

  “She may be getting
bolder now that Claire is away. I try to stay clear of her as much as possible, but Aidan loves her.”

  “Aidan would love anyone who was nice to him. He’s a very sweet child.” With that she jumps up to check on him. “He’s playing with the Duplo Legos I got him.” Again, she smiles adoringly towards my son, and purses her lips in a straight line when she comes back to the living room to await the rest of my story.

  “Why would you continue to employ a nanny who is behaving so deplorably? Clearly she is trying to get you into bed, and who knows? Maybe she needs a green card husband.”

  I shake my head and lean back against the fluffy pillows on the couch. “No, she was living with her sister and Ron. I don’t think she has to worry about staying in the country. And even if she did, I am already someone’s husband. It would make a lot more sense to come onto one of my single friends, but she stays away from the band practices. Though the only single, available one is Rob—”

  “Oh, the one who looks a reenactor on American’s Most Wanted?” She laughs like a Disney villain. “At least she has better taste…” She looks at me and says, “Actually, I don’t know if I can even say that now.”

  “Come on, you know I am not sleeping with the nanny.”

  “At the very least, I am quite sure you haven’t told Claire about her shenanigans, and that makes you appear all the more guilty. Plus, you’re too lazy to deal with the problem, which is also a horrible quality in a man.”

  She shakes her head, as if to shake off my horrible qualities, and rises from the chair.

  “Where are you going now?”

  “I am going to do what you are too much of a pansy ass to do.”

  A pansy ass. That literally makes no sense. Flowers growing out of my ass would prevent me from dealing with the nanny?

  “I am going upstairs to find that conniving, Russian skank and fire her fat ass!”

  I jump up in protest, but then stop myself. This is actually perfect. This could solve a problem for me, and Claire’s mother seems to believe me, so she won’t totally throw me under the bus with Claire. I might be able to sweet talk her and salvage the whole thing. Hell, I might be able to get her to find a new nanny for us. She’s got nothing else to do.

  I watch Mama Claire ascend the steps, calling Tatiana’s name in a falsely sweet voice. If I were the nanny and overheard Claire, Senior’s accusations, I would have made a rope out of bed sheets, and shimmied down the side of the house by now. She could hitchhike on the corner for a ride to the airport and the first plane back to Moscow.

  Shit, how is she going to fire her? She’s up there now and I hear voices. I can’t imagine what Claire is telling her, since she barely understands English. I hope she’s not taking off her own clothes to illustrate the point, like a game of demented charades.

  I peek in on Aidan again, and now he’s sleeping on the floor, curled up with the dogs. This would be a moment that would make my wife melt into a pile of goo.

  I hear voices in the living room and rush out to see what the hell is happening now. The day is just vanishing with all of this drama. And Gina wonders why I don’t have my first draft submitted? I would like to see her live in this loony…

  “Hey, Diamond.” Diamond and Ruby are now standing in the living room. Fuck. Me.

  I run my fingers through my hair and glance towards the stairs. “Hey, what’s up? I wasn’t expecting you guys.”

  Diamond pouts and says, “I saw the door open and wondered what was going on. Is someone here? I hear voices upstairs? Ruby pulled me by the hand until I started walking over.” She pats her little blond tot on the head. Somehow I doubt Ruby was curious as to the happenings across the street.

  I open my mouth to explain the mania, when a crying Tatiana comes barreling down the stairs, carrying her purse and a small tote bag, stuffed with toiletries and underwear. “I leave! Lady she crazy!”

  Claire’s mother is right behind her, yelling. “That’s right. You need to go right now. Your sister is coming to get you, and she can make arrangements to pick up the rest of your things at a later date. I am going to visit with my grandson now. Goodbye.”

  Tatiana shoots me one bewildered look, and my heart softens a tad. The poor girl is confused, but seriously…what the fuck did she think she was doing? My sympathy for her turns cold again as I remember we were doing Claire’s asshole ex a favor in the first place, and this woman has caused a lot of trouble.

  Thankfully she’s fully clothed, and Natasha is pulling up. I am guessing Claire made the call from Tatiana’s phone, and a call from her boyfriend’s former mother-in-law sent Natasha flying out the door.

  Claire’s mom watches Tatiana get into the car and turns back to me. “Really, what were you two thinking hiring her? Her own sister has a child. Don’t they need a nanny?” She shakes her head as if her work here is done, and then zeros in on Diamond. Uh, oh…

  “And you are? I’m Claire McDonald, Claire’s mother.”

  She doesn’t reach out her hand, but she smiles at Ruby, who is pulling on her mother’s leg. I suppose now that’s she’s here, she wants to find Aidan. Thank God those two furry fools are sleeping, or else they would be adding to this scene with barking and twirling.

  “I’m Diamond, I live across the street. I was just—”

  “Oh yes, you’re the renter.” I can tell by the way she is eyeing Diamond up and down that Claire has shared some information about her. “Is there a problem at the house?” She raises an eyebrow and Diamond shrinks. She really is a scary old bag.

  “No, not all. I was just bringing Ruby over for a play date with Aidan.”

  “Oh, really? So you’ll be dropping her off. Hmm…well, Brandon definitely has some work to do and unfortunately we had a little incident with the nanny…but I would be happy to entertain Aidan’s little friend. I came here to play with my grandson and I love little ones.”

  Shit, she’s good. Diamond just stands there with her mouth hanging open.

  “Surely, you weren’t planning on staying with Aidan’s mother out of town? I’m sure you girls must have a lot in common, with babies so close in age.”

  “Yeah, they’re the best of friends.” I suppress a smile as Diamond shoots daggers at me. I can’t resist the barb.

  All of these women are driving me fucking crazy. If they would all just put away their claws, I could get something accomplished. I’m sure neither Stephen King nor Mick Jagger have had any of this crap to deal with while trying to create.

  Diamond releases Ruby’s hand and says, “No, of course not.”

  Knowing Diamond, she probably just thought of how she could spend a child-free afternoon, even though she’s just been insulted and manipulated. However, Claire’s mother is awesome with little kids, even if she has an attitude problem with many adults.

  “So, you’re sure you don’t mind Ruby staying?”

  I look at Diamond and shake my head, while Claire smiles at little Blondie.

  “Would you like to come in the playroom and wake up Aidan with me?”

  Ruby smiles and points towards the playroom.

  “Oh, she’s been here quite a bit, hasn’t she?” She glares at me and turns back to Diamond with a fake smile. “Nice meeting you, Diamond. Just come back before five for Ruby. I need to get home to make dinner for my husband.”

  Claire’s mother disappears with Diamond’s traitor daughter. I can’t believe Ruby isn’t crying or screaming. Claire’s mother is a stranger.

  I turn back to Diamond, who is still rooted to the doormat in the foyer with her furry boots.

  “Don’t even think about it.” I open the door to show her out.

  “What?” She rolls her eyes. “You’re gonna listen to your mother-in-law? I could sneak in the side door around the back and keep you company—”

  I sigh heavily. “You know Diamond, this isn’t a game. It’s my life. It’s nice that Aidan plays with Ruby, she’s a sweet little girl. And we have fun hanging out sometimes, but I am beginning to se
e Claire’s point.”

  She folds her arms across her disproportionately large chest. I can’t believe I am wondering if they’re real again when I’m trying to get her out the door. I am such an asshole.

  “What do you mean? What point is that?”

  “The point where she thinks that you—”

  Claire’s mother interrupts with her bellowing, grating voice. “Brandon, when is that woman’s lease up? I think we need to talk about that. Claire—”

  “I’ll be right there, Claire. Just checking to see if there’s any mail.”

  I follow Diamond out to the front porch and stand in my bare feet on the freezing cold wood, hopping up and down. There’s still frozen remnants of the last snow.

  “Before you say anything, I’m sorry. Okay? This has been a rough morning, and a rough week with Claire gone. I know our friendship is perfectly innocent, but do me a favor?”

  “What?” She still looks rebelliously beautiful as she glares at me.

  “Go home, look in the mirror and tell me if you don’t understand why Claire has a problem with our friendship?”

  I walk back in the house and close the door.

  I have got to get out of this house today.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Brandon

  “Thanks for meeting me. You’re the only person I know who doesn’t work every afternoon or take care of a baby.”

  “Only you would escape getting in trouble for spending too much time with other women, by getting a drink in the middle of the day with another woman.”

  Zoe sips her hard cider and laughs. “But seriously, what is going on in that house? Claire’s been gone, what? Three days?”

  “I know, it’s insane. And now we have no nanny, but that’s for the best.” I lean back and sit up straighter on the barstool. “I just had to get out of that house. When I left, Claire’s mother was singing the ‘itsy bitsy spider’ with the kids and they were all happily giggling. The dogs were on their beds, chewing on their bones. We need that kind of nanny.”