“Makes sense to me. You want something to eat?” he asked. “Just sit here. I’ll get a plate for you.”
“You will?”
“I’m a team player. Didn’t you hear? Besides, I’ve got to get you some fuel to keep dancing.”
He brushed his hand over mine and went to the table. I took a deep breath and looked at some of the kids who were staring at me. I smiled. Some smiled back; some quickly turned away. When Tommy returned, we ate and talked, mostly about school and his ambitions.
“Whatever hardships you went through, you kept being a very good student. Melina filled me in on you. She was very impressed with you, and she’s not easily impressed with anyone.”
“Really?”
“I’m sure you’ll do something great.”
“I haven’t been that ambitious. Reading and studying kept my mind off other, not-so-nice things,” I said.
“Must be like being on another planet now.”
“There are aliens here,” I said, looking around and nodding. He roared and clapped.
Every once in a while, he touched my hand, mostly at the end of something he had said. It was almost as if he was trying to be sure I remained beside him. He had nothing to worry about. I felt safer, since most didn’t want to interrupt us.
We danced some more. Despite Karen’s muttering, no one was really nasty to me. I did notice Chris spending more time with Adele, and because of that, Karen reluctantly talked to a nice-looking red-haired boy named Billy London, who I learned was the student government president. He was paying lots of attention to her. Maybe she wouldn’t be so jealous now, I hoped. However, I had the amusing suspicion that the kids here wanted to talk to her more because of me. They were hoping she had greater, maybe even uglier details to share.
Toward the end of the evening and that eleven-thirty curfew Karen and I knew was coming, Tommy took my phone number.
“Maybe you’ll be able to go out with us after the big game next Tuesday night,” he said. “We’re playing for the division championship.”
“Really? Where’s the game?”
“Home court,” he said. “We played these guys a month ago, at their place. Long bus ride, but we beat them by four points. Chris made a big basket that night. Amazing hook shot.”
“That’s great. What team are you playing? Karen might not remind me, and I don’t want to look totally stupid.”
He laughed. “I’ll tell you all about them, our strategy, everything, this week,” he said. “It’s Hurley.”
“Excuse me?”
“Hurley. They’re pretty good. Going to be a big game. Lots of fans on both sides. The gym will rock like it’s in one of your California earthquakes, believe me.”
I felt my whole body tighten.
“Hey, don’t look so worried. I’m just kidding. Besides, we’re going to beat them for sure,” he said, and took my hand.
I smiled.
Hurley.
Inside, I was crumbling like an iceberg on an unexpectedly super-warm day.
CHAPTER TEN
Fortunately, Karen had stopped drinking the spiked punch in time to prevent herself from getting sick before Daddy arrived to pick us up, but she was moaning about a stomachache and looked pale to me as his arrival became imminent. I told her to keep drinking water. Tommy suggested she and I go out a little earlier and wait to be picked up.
“Fresh air will help,” he whispered, and he and Billy London went out with us. Billy held Karen’s arm as we walked around the driveway. She moaned and complained, but for now, it seemed to help.
I thanked Tommy for his help.
“I like that you didn’t drink any of that junk,” he said when we paused in the shadows. “You have a look that tells me you’re something special, Saffron.”
“I don’t feel like something special.”
“Oh, someday you will. Maybe someday soon,” he whispered. We were inches apart. Slowly, he brought his lips to mine. I could hear Karen complaining about the “junky food and punch.” She wasn’t looking our way. When Tommy pulled his head back, I wondered if he could tell that he was the first boy I had ever kissed like that. Did I do it right? Was I stupid?
He smiled.
“You’re special, Saffron, because you make me feel special.”
I was excited, and I felt good, but I was suddenly overcome with a rush of fear. Someday surely he would find out the truth about me and what he thought now was special he might just decide was only weird.
The headlights of Daddy’s car appeared, and we all moved quickly to greet him. Both boys said hi.
“Big game coming,” Daddy said. “Don’t you guys stay out too late. I have my life savings bet on it.”
They laughed.
Billy opened the door for Karen, and Tommy opened the rear door for me.
“Night,” I told Tommy.
He mouthed, “You’re special.”
Karen didn’t even look at Billy.
After she got into Daddy’s car, I was sure he would realize that she had drunk something alcoholic. I could smell it almost as soon as the doors closed, but if he did, he ignored it. When he asked how the party was, she said, “Good,” closed her eyes, and leaned against the door. He glanced back at me through the rearview mirror.
“Did you have a good time, Saffron?”
Karen came to life. “She had a great time.”
The jealousy was dripping from her lips.
“Oh?”
“It was very nice,” I said quickly, maybe too quickly.
He drove away. I glanced back at Tommy, who stood there watching us until we turned a corner.
“The party’s not really over, Daddy,” Karen said. “Most of my friends are still there. They can stay out until midnight or later. Their parents don’t treat them as still being children.”
“Take it up with your mother,” Daddy said. “Good food?”
“Ugh,” Karen said.
“It was fine,” I said.
“To you, anything would have been. Did you know Saffron hadn’t been to a party before? That’s pretty weird, isn’t it?”
“Well, she’s giving you a fresh perspective on it, then,” Daddy said, still eyeing me carefully in the rearview mirror.
Karen grunted and leaned against the door again.
“You don’t look like you have the energy to go much longer anyway, Karen,” Daddy told her.
“Because I’m bored now. When you’re bored, you look tired,” Karen countered.
“How about you, Saffron?”
“I’m fine. Tired, not bored,” I added.
Daddy kept trying to catch a glimpse of me in the rearview mirror. I was sure that he had heard something in my voice. I was still a little shaky after hearing about the upcoming basketball game. It wasn’t easy to hide my nervousness, even from my father, who hadn’t seen or heard me for years.
After we pulled into the garage, Karen got out quickly, mumbling about being treated like a baby. She charged through the door.
“You should say good-night to your mother, Karen,” Daddy shouted after her.
She didn’t hesitate. The door slammed behind her. I thought she might be close to vomiting now. Daddy deliberately walked slowly, so he and I could linger for a few minutes. Ava was in bed. He had mentioned that Garson had been having another bad night and had finally fallen asleep.
“How did it really go?” he asked me while we were still in the kitchen.
“The party was fine. I mean, I was asked lots of questions, but I kept my answers vague enough, except the one about not ever being at a party like that. It’s not easy to check every word at your lips first.”
“I know. I realize how difficult it must be for you, but it’s best for now, Saffron, believe me.”
What choice did I have? When he said it was best for now, I thought, Best for you, not me.
“Karen seemed to think you had a good time,” he said, obviously fishing for more information. “She sounded a little jealous?�
��
“I made friends with Tommy Diamond. That’s what Karen meant.”
“I saw how he escorted you out. You know he’s the school’s star basketball player?”
“Yes.”
He was thoughtful. I imagined it was because Tommy was an African American, and maybe Ava wouldn’t approve. Maybe he didn’t approve. Suddenly, his eyes lit up.
“We’re playing for the division championship this Tuesday.”
“Uh-huh,” I said. “It’s the home game he wanted me to attend, but…”
The expression on his face told me he didn’t need me to say it. The realization lit his eyes. “It’s against Hurley.”
“Yes, and if their fans come in large numbers and anyone sees me… It was a village half this size. Unfortunately, I became too well known. If some of them approach me, they’ll want to know what I’m doing living here. Karen could overhear the chatter.”
He nodded, thinking.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I don’t see how I can go. Karen will find it very strange that I don’t, since Tommy and I became such good friends. He’ll be after me to be there, too. What should I do?”
“I’ll figure out something,” he said. “Go on up to bed. You’re meeting my father-in-law and seeing Saddlebrook tomorrow. Just think about that.”
Just go to bed? Did he think I could simply fall asleep? Was he really this oblivious to my feelings and fears?
I left him and went up to my room. Before I could undress and get ready for bed, Ava surprised me by coming to my room. She was in her nightgown. Without any makeup, she looked older, angrier. She stared at me so hard for a moment that I stopped breathing. Had she found it all out? Had Daddy confessed because of the game with Hurley? Was it over? This could be his solution to my attending the game, and indeed my whole future here, but I felt like I was running over a bed of hot coals to get there. I was afraid, but I also let a feeling of relief seep in.
“I’ve looked in on Karen. I just wanted to see how you were,” she said. She stepped deeper into the room to get a closer look at me and smell for alcohol.
“Just tired,” I said. “I danced a lot more than I expected I would.”
“You’d have to be absent the sense of smell not to know Karen’s had something alcoholic to drink. Your uncle either is the most oblivious man on the planet or would rather ignore it. That’s frequently his choice when it comes to problems, especially with her. You didn’t drink anything alcoholic?”
I shook my head.
“Couldn’t you stop her?”
I looked at her askance. Was she serious?
“I know she thinks that because of your hard life you’re somehow street-smart, cool.”
“I’ve done or said nothing to lead her to believe that, Aunt Ava. She sees what she wants. I’m not corrupting her, if that’s what you think.”
She nodded. “Anyway, I know Sid and Marilyn Toby very well. They’d never have permitted anything like that. What went on there? Was everybody else drinking? Did they use the Tobys’ liquor? Anything get broken? Was it worse?”
I pressed my upper lip over my lower as if I was preventing myself from blurting out information. Ava had a way of staring right into you, I thought. How could she not see all the deception in my father? Or was she doing the same thing she accused him of doing, ignoring it?
“Well?” she asked. “How much did my daughter drink? Did anyone use any drugs?”
“I don’t want to get you angry, and I don’t want to lie to you, Aunt Ava, but Karen and I are just getting to know each other. I have no way to know for certain, since I didn’t have the experience, but it seems to me it is difficult for a daughter, especially a teenage daughter, to have another teenage girl suddenly become part of her family and have to share her parents with her. If you force me to be the tattletale and get her into trouble, what do you think the chances of she and I ever having a good relationship will be?”
Her eyes stopped piercing me with darts and widened with more surprise. She nodded slowly. “Karen also was complaining that you’re too adult. The word ‘adult’ to her is not favorable at this age. All it means to her are more restrictions on her behavior. I can see she was right about you, however. Your hard life has forced you to be wiser than others your age. Okay,” she said. “Let’s leave it for now.”
She started out, then stopped at the door and turned back. “What was your overall opinion of the kids you met at this party, Karen’s friends?”
“They’re just…”
“What? Well?” she pursued when I hesitated.
“Lucky,” I said, and she gave me the warmest smile since I had arrived.
“Have a good night’s sleep, Saffron. My father is looking forward to meeting you tomorrow, but he can be quite judgmental.”
“What does that mean?”
“He has strong opinions… about everything. And he’s never shy about offering them. He’s a man who is used to getting his own way. For my father, ‘compromise’ is a fancy word for surrendering. He is, however, one of the, if not the, most successful men in the state.”
She didn’t sound like a loving daughter should, I thought, and nodded.
“And yes,” she said as she was leaving, “he does regret never having a son.”
And yes?
I hadn’t said anything. Did she believe everyone assumed that, or did her father do something to make it obvious?
She left, leaving my door opened enough for me to hear Garson starting to cry. When she closed her bedroom door, it was muffled. I closed mine completely and moved quickly to get myself to bed, but when I did, I didn’t fall right to sleep. I tossed and turned as if I were sleeping on abrasive straw. However, it wasn’t because I was worrying about meeting Mr. Saddlebrook or how I would handle the upcoming game between our school and Hurley. Those images of potential disaster weren’t the images I was envisioning. What I was revisiting were Tommy Diamond’s smile, Tommy Diamond’s laugh, and Tommy Diamond’s intense perusal of my face before we had kissed. I wanted the memory and feel of his lips on mine to be there until I fell asleep.
Favorite movie love scenes and my own fantasies rushed the birth of my sexuality like some impatient bird pecking holes and cracks in the egg that lay between it and the experiences that awaited outside. Right now, lying here and staring up at the ceiling, I could think only about how Tommy and I danced. The feelings I recalled when he had touched me and the way his whispered breath caressed my ear, my cheeks, and once, face-to-face and so close, my moistened lips, all that and especially that good-night kiss made the nipples of my breasts tingle against the top of my pajamas. My fingers pressed softly on the insides of my thighs. I subdued a moan and quickly turned to press my face against my pillow to smother the thoughts, but they were not easily pressed away.
What’s wrong with me? I should be terrified, I thought, not lovesick. How could I become close and intimate with anyone right now? He would surely see through all the lies eventually. Honesty has to be a blood relative of affection. The stronger and the deeper my feelings for someone else and his feelings for me became, the faster deception would be peeled away until that moment would arrive when I would have to say, I am not who you have been told I am.
Then what? The world of lies would tumble, cascade, dropping me into oblivion. Why would someone on a rocket ship to success want to tie on such dark and foreboding weight?
Get back, I ordered my romantic feelings. You’re too soon. There isn’t a safe place for you yet here.
Maybe there would never be, I thought.
I closed my eyes and clung to the darkness for safety and sleep.
Surprisingly, Karen rose before I even opened my eyes in the morning and came into my room. I was anticipating her having a hangover and complaining, somehow finding a way to blame me for it.
“What?” I asked, looking at her standing beside my bed and glaring down at me.
“Did you say anything to my mother about the pa
rty? I’d like to know before I get dressed and go down into the pit.”
I sat up. “I didn’t say anything, but she came in here to question me because she smelled the alcohol on you. Did you get sick?”
“No. She came in so quickly after I stepped into my room that I had to swallow it down. She didn’t start screaming or anything. Just her usual ‘we’ll talk about this in the morning’ threat, but I got a text already from Margaret.”
“A text?”
“You get it on your phone, stupid. Messages?”
“Oh. Right. Well, what was the message?” I said, sitting up.
“No one knew it, but Paul Martin and Lee Burton thought it would be clever to give her brother some of the punch so he’d sleep and not bother anyone. He threw up in his bed. Her mother is bonkers. Margaret can never have another party, and she is grounded for a month. She can’t even go to the championship basketball game.”
“I was wondering why nobody said anything about her brother. I remember Adele said someone was supposed to check on him all the time. Is he still sick?”
“Forget about her brother. Don’t you get it? Marilyn Toby’s going to call my mother for sure, if she hasn’t already. If she asks you again about me, just say I had a little. That’s what I’m going to say. I had a little, and I didn’t like it. I can’t be blamed for what other kids do. When we found out, you and I both thought it was terrible, but we couldn’t stop them. Got it?”
I stared at her a moment before replying. Either everyone in this family knowingly lies to each other, or they’re all just as oblivious as Ava accused my father of being.
“I haven’t known your mother that long, Karen, but she’s not someone easily lied to. And,” I decided to add, “I’m not a good liar.”
She raised her eyes to the ceiling. “I know that. Just… don’t offer much. I’ll take care of it. Okay?”
“Whatever,” I said, shrugging.
“If we both get grounded, you won’t be able to go to the game, either, and that won’t make Tommy happy. I know you’d like to make him happy.”
She waited for me to confess it, but I didn’t move a muscle in my face. What she was threatening was actually something of a solution for me. I was very tempted to get us both into trouble. It would certainly simplify things for both me and Daddy.
Out of the Rain Page 17
