“Jeez,” she said, blowing air through her lips. “Just do what I told you to do.” She turned and left to get dressed.
She waited for me in her room at her door before going down. As soon as I stepped out of my room, she stepped out of hers.
“Let’s face the firing squad together,” she said. “That way, we’ll make less mistakes.”
She walked ahead of me. As I followed, I realized I had yet to spend a minute in this house without being deceptive.
Daddy was holding and rocking Garson at the kitchenette table. Apparently, Garson was asleep. Ava turned from the stove and glared at us. One look at her face told me Mrs. Toby had called and given her two earfuls for sure. Her eyes looked like they could burn holes through walls.
“Just sit,” she ordered.
There was more fire in those violet orbs than ever. Frightened, Karen hurried ahead to the table. We sat and quietly started to serve ourselves juice and coffee. Daddy said nothing. He glanced at us and continued rocking Garson. Only the sounds of Ava preparing scrambled eggs broke the silence.
“I don’t like eating with anger,” she said, bringing the eggs in and serving us each a portion. “So we won’t talk until we’ve all finished.”
Daddy lowered Garson carefully to his bassinet and took his seat as quietly and as obediently as another child. We were all in a silent movie, waiting for someone to turn up the volume. Karen looked at me, probably to confirm I would do exactly as she had prescribed, but I simply ate and stared ahead. When Ava put down her fork, I thought it was as if someone in another room had begun a drumroll.
“Marilyn Toby called me this morning. She was quite beside herself. I’d like some honest answers,” she said, speaking with great control and patience. “Do either of you know who fed Ben Toby the spiked punch that turned his stomach?”
“No,” Karen said, much too quickly.
I shook my head.
“Did you know such a thing was happening?”
“No,” Karen said.
“No one bragged to us that they’d done it, Aunt Ava. Most of us were dancing and talking and didn’t think at all about her brother.”
For me, that was the truth. I wondered when I sounded more honest, when I lied or when I told the truth, since the latter was so rare for me right now.
“And most of you were drinking that garbage,” she said, looking at Karen. “I’m sure more than just little Ben Toby were sick from it.”
“I just had a sip, and it was nauseating. It nearly ruined my night. I don’t know how others drank so much of it. Right, Saffron?”
I looked at Ava. I wasn’t even going to try it.
“I’m not looking for alibis, excuses, or half-truths. Margaret’s been grounded. I don’t want to hear about any parties for the foreseeable future,” Ava said. “School parties included.”
“That’s not fair,” Karen moaned. “We can’t tell everyone else what to do. Why are you blaming us? If we win the championship, there’ll be a celebration party. Parents will be going, too, so there won’t be anything going on anyway.”
Ava curled her lips and looked at Daddy, obviously ordering him to respond.
“If there is a school celebration party, your mother and I will attend. We’ll have Celisse watch Garson that night. But until things settle down, that will have to be it for now, Karen. No friends over and no going to friends’ houses.”
“And don’t tell us you just sipped it, Karen,” Ava said. “Neither of us was born yesterday.”
“That’s all I did!”
Ava stared hard at her. Karen had to look down.
“I have told you many times, Karen, that lying about something you’ve done wrong is like adding a poison frosting to a bitter cake.”
Karen continued to stare at her plate.
“Fine example you’re showing your cousin, Karen, and the first time at a social event, too. I can just imagine the gossip going on in homes all over Sandburg Creek. You know all eyes are on this family,” Ava said.
Karen looked up, nearly in tears, and gathered her defiance, something I was sure she had inherited from the Saddlebrook side of her family.
“Showing my cousin? You don’t think she’s seen worse just because she doesn’t talk about it? Besides, we’re not royalty, Mother. You’re not inheriting a throne. This is a democracy.”
“Royalty in America comes from exemplary behavior, from success and influence. Now, after you two clean up after breakfast, I expect you to spend the rest of the day doing your schoolwork. We’ll be leaving for Saddlebrook at four. Be sure you dress properly. Choose a casual dress, and Karen, do not load yourself up with jewelry. You know your grandfather isn’t fond of that, nor is he fond of young girls with heavy makeup. A touch of lipstick will do. Your father and I are going to the den to discuss some business concerns. If Garson wakes, tend to him. His bottle is prepared.”
She rose, and Daddy got up instantly. Karen kept her head down, but I locked eyes with him. His were full of warnings. He nodded and followed Ava.
“Well, that’s better than I expected,” I said.
“What?”
“We’re not grounded like Margaret is,” I said. “We just can’t attend parties. That’s how I interpret it.”
“How you interpret it? What are you, a lawyer?”
Her eyelids narrowed with suspicion. I feared her next question would be Who are you really? But she was thinking of something else.
“My mother didn’t direct anything toward you. She blamed me for setting a bad example for you. Did you tell on me? You did, didn’t you?”
“I said nothing negative about you, Karen. Like I told you at the party. You telegraphed it all yourself.”
“Negative? Telegraphed? Interpret?” She shook her head. “You’re weird.”
She started to clear off the table, making more noise than necessary. Garson woke and immediately began crying.
“Go on,” she said. “Get to know your cousin.”
She went into the kitchen. I looked at my half brother, who was squirming uncomfortably. I had never held a baby. I rose and carefully lifted him out of his cradle. His eyes searched my face, and he suddenly stopped crying. Does he sense who I really am? I wondered. Do babies have unfettered instincts and feelings?
“You know me, don’t you?” I whispered.
He looked like he was smiling.
Karen returned to continue clearing the table and paused. “What did you do, hypnotize him?”
I shook my head. “Just doing what Uncle Derick did, rocking him.”
“Good. He likes you better than he likes me. You can take care of him most of the time when we have to babysit.”
“That’s no problem,” I said.
She groaned. “Stop trying to be so damn goody-goody. The more you look like an angel, the more I look like the devil.”
“I’m no angel, Karen, and I’m not trying to be one.”
“Yeah, but they don’t know it,” she said.
Garson started to squirm and cry.
“You think he needs his bottle?”
“I don’t know. I’ll warm it, and you feed him. I want to get back up to my room and call some of my friends to see how fast all this is spreading. You feed him and rock him to sleep,” she ordered.
“Doesn’t Celisse come on the weekends?”
“Sometimes. She’s not a live-in nanny. My mother likes pretending she’s a mother,” she said. She paused, her frustration and anger disappearing. “My grandmother wasn’t much of a mother. Mom claims her mother missed her birthdays often to attend social events. She says she was brought up by her nanny, Victoria Austen, who was only in her twenties when she started working for my grandparents. Supposedly, Victoria was real royalty, but her family went bankrupt, and she had to work. You’ll see her picture at Saddlebrook. My grandfather practically worships it.”
She paused, and then in a whisper, with her eyes on the door, added, “I think he might have had an affair with her.
The house is so big you could set off a bomb in one room and no one would know in another. My mother wasn’t brought up in a happy household despite how rich they were.”
“I understand,” I said.
“You do? Well, I don’t,” she said. “Why do I have to suffer because she wasn’t loved enough?”
Garson started to cry harder, so Karen went to get his bottle. I didn’t think I’d ever pause to feel sorry for Ava, but it was as if a discordant note had been sounded on a piano. This so-called envied world of power and wealth had rips in its seams. They were covered over or ignored, perhaps, but nevertheless they were there threatening to tear it all apart. Had Daddy known all this when he stepped into it? Right now, I didn’t know if he had, and I couldn’t tell if he knew how serious it all was now. Maybe I would learn more at Saddlebrook about this family and his place in it. I’d never approve of what he had done, but I might understand why he had done it.
The truth was, he was really still more of a stranger than he was my father. He was more comfortable living in the fiction than I was. Was it only because of his fear of Ava and her father? Or had he written me out of his life that day at the train station and hoped it would stay that way forever? Surely I reminded him too much about what had come before, especially my mother. I had been noticing it in his face more and more, especially when he didn’t think I was looking at him. It was like a mixture of anxiety and anger seeping into his eyes, turning them into pools of white and gray, the color of bones.
“Here,” Karen said, thrusting the bottle at me. “Go for it.”
I sat and fed Garson. As he suckled, his inquisitive eyes continued to search my face.
“I’m going up,” Karen called from the kitchen.
I didn’t move; I didn’t speak. Her steps died away on the stairs, and it was so quiet I could hear only Garson’s little grunts of pleasure as he fed. After a while, he just stopped, closed his eyes, and fell asleep. I lowered him gently into his bassinet just as Ava and Daddy reappeared. I didn’t know how long they were standing there and watching me, but they both looked very pleased when I turned to them.
“That’s very good, Saffron,” Ava said. “He doesn’t do as well with his sister. Maybe there’s something else you can teach her.”
I looked at Daddy. There was no expression of irony, no regret, and no urge to be honest. I imagined him saying, Well, to be truthful about it, Ava, she is his sister, his half sister.
Silence, even for a moment, felt like ice dripping down my spine. I forced a smile.
“I’m sure she has things to teach me,” I said.
Ava rolled her eyes. “I hate to think what. Go on up and do your work, and make sure she does hers.”
“I’ve got a few errands to do. See you all later,” Daddy said, and hurried off just like someone effecting a quick escape.
When I entered my room, I heard the phone ringing and for a moment didn’t realize it was my own, my new cell phone. This would be the first time I had used it. I pressed accept and said, “Hello? Who is this, please?”
I heard Tommy laugh. “Didn’t you see my name on your screen?”
“What? Oh. I just answered quickly without looking. I didn’t know it would tell me that.”
He laughed again. “Word is this is your first cell phone. Is that true?”
“It’s complicated,” I said.
“That makes it more interesting. So I’m calling to see if I can take you to lunch today. I can—”
“Didn’t you hear about Margaret Toby’s brother? All the parents are on the warpath.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t do anything wrong. Neither did I. No one’s accused either of us. And besides, none of these parents wants it advertised. We’re safe.”
“Karen’s mother wants our social activities on hold for now.”
“Oh.”
“Besides, I couldn’t go anyway. We’re visiting Saddlebrook for dinner. We’re leaving at four, and both Karen and I are confined to our work so we’ll have nothing to do when we come back tonight.”
“Saddlebrook. Most impressive estate in the area. Probably see you in school, then,” he said, sounding quite down.
“Of course,” I said.
“Maybe you can come to watch practice. I’ll take you home,” he quickly added.
I knew my hesitation was discouraging, but I was thinking ahead to his disappointment when I didn’t go to the big game. Every moment of my life now seemed to be tied in a knot.
“I mean, that’s not really socializing.”
“I’ll try,” I said. “We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”
“Sure. Have a great time at Saddlebrook.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t give any other boy at school your phone number,” he said quickly, before ending the call.
I started to answer but realized he was no longer there.
Still, I had a smile on my face. The first boy I had a crush on and who had one on me appeared to be the heartthrob of a number of girls at the school. It all happened to me very quickly, too. Probably, after what had happened at Hurley, no boy there would have asked me out, ever. Mazy used to say, “Dig deep enough even into bad news, and you’re bound to find something to give you hope.”
These seeds of romance were making it difficult for me to do my reading. I told myself that I’d surely have some time before I went to sleep. For now, to distract myself, I went to Karen’s room to help her with her homework. She hadn’t opened a book and was still on the phone with friends.
“I’ll come to your room,” she told me, with her hand over the phone. “I’m on a conference call.”
“Oh, sorry,” I said, and returned to my room. I guess I will read after all, I thought, and went right to it.
Karen didn’t come into my room for a good half hour or so and didn’t bring any of her books with her.
“This whole thing is a big disaster,” she moaned. “Parents are bigger gossips than kids. Practically everyone is grounded… no home parties, and some can’t go out for a month. You’d think we’d robbed the bank Mr. Toby runs.”
“Tommy told me they wouldn’t be talking about it, that they didn’t want to advertise it.”
“Tommy? When?”
“Just now. He called me to go for a ride.”
“Are you going?”
“We can’t do any socializing, remember?”
She stamped her foot. “It’s not fair.”
I sighed and shook my head.
“What?” she asked.
“When something unpleasant happens and you dwell on it, you only make it worse. Let it settle down,” I said, and thought to myself how small this was compared to what had happened to me in Hurley—my neighbor dying, a boy being killed in a car accident, and Mazy’s suddenly dying. Karen’s biggest tragedy would be losing cell-phone service.
“Let it settle down? You talk like someone older than my mother.”
“You lied to your parents. All your friends lied to theirs. Stop being so dramatic about it. What if that little boy had been hurt? What if someone who could drive had left the party and gotten into a serious, maybe fatal accident? Mr. and Mrs. Toby could be sued or something.”
She stared at me. “The school’s guidance counselor and therapist has moved into my house,” she said finally.
I laughed.
“It’s not funny.”
“Relax. Everyone’s going to live,” I said. “We’d better get on to the schoolwork.”
“No.”
“No?”
“Adele and Vikki have come up with a plan, and so far everyone agrees,” she said.
“What plan?”
“No one is going to do schoolwork, and no one is going to speak in class. Our parents will find out instantly. If they can gang up on us, we can gang up on them. You’d better close those books and join us,” she said. “Even Billy London and Chris Loman agree. Chris is going to tell Tommy. And don’t mention it later at Saddlebrook. We want it to come as
a surprise.”
“That’s a mistake,” I said.
“Oh, yeah, why?”
“If the basketball players join your protest, the principal could suspend them from the team. You want to be responsible for that?”
She stood there blinking. “She wouldn’t do that.”
“Who has more influence on her, you and your friends or the parents, especially Mr. Toby?”
“You’re weird. If you don’t do like the rest of us, you’ll never have a friend in this school,” she threatened, then turned and hurried out of my room.
I was in a crisis with my father; I was in a crisis in this house and with my half sister. Soon I’d be in a crisis at school.
The prospect of packing my old bag, taking only the things I came with, suddenly loomed large.
I would get back on that train.
Right now, I thought that whatever awaited me at the next stop or two could not be worse than all this.
Eventually, I thought, I would get on anyway.
What difference would it make if I did it sooner rather than later?
“Mazy Dazy,” I whispered. “What do you think I should do?”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
As difficult as it was, especially after hearing Karen’s threat, I returned to my school assignments and finished them all before considering how to dress for our visit and dinner at Saddlebrook. I was more nervous about this than I had been about attending a new school and facing questions from my peers at a party. The way my father, Ava, and even Karen spoke about Amos Saddlebrook created the image of a king who would be seated on his throne when we arrived. Suddenly, every decision I made for myself, no matter how small it would seem to someone else, grew in importance.
What would Amos Saddlebrook think about me if I chose this dress or that, these shoes or those? It was as if I’d be introduced not only to a king but to a man who had two microscopes for eyes. I could hear Mazy saying, Stop worrying. He puts his pants on like everyone else, one leg at a time.
In the end, I decided to be more like Mazy and not let myself be intimidated. My choices would be for myself, not for him.
Out of the Rain Page 18
