Gun Shy

by Lori L. Lake

  Jaylynn could hardly restrain herself from throwing her arms around Dez. She reached out hesitantly to pat her on the back, but Dez was already swinging into action, loping along the street in a slow jog.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  The first half of May blew by and Jaylynn hardly knew where it went. She spent one entire week doing in-service training with the other rookies and a number of the officers hired in the previous twenty-four months. They focused further on records and forms, report writing, court testimony, note taking, elements of proof, and ethics. She was careful to avoid Dwayne Neilsen, though every once in a while she caught him glowering at her. When she stared back, he would return to his own paperwork.

  Dez was gone for a whole week at an in-service training for Field Training Officers, so Jaylynn only saw her once in passing. She rode with Crystal every day that week.

  On Monday, the first of a three-days-off cycle, Jaylynn rose early, ate a light breakfast, and got ready for a run. She wore a lightweight T-shirt with a gray U of M sweatshirt over it, her favorite Nikes, and a light blue pair of nylon shorts over a pair of soft running leotards. Strapping on a waist pack containing her wallet and house keys, she stepped out into a crisp sunny morning, fifty degrees and rising. She stretched her limbs and set out at a leisurely pace to warm up.

  She was so glad winter was finally over. All along the roadway she saw buds blooming and little shoots of plants inching up out of the dark Minnesota soil. Children were out in full force, milling around on corners waiting for their school buses. A few brave souls were even wearing shorts and Jaylynn saw one coatless boy standing dismally, his bare legs quivering in the cool air while he clutched a backpack to his T-shirt clad chest. Bet his mother didn’t see him out the door, Jaylynn thought. She waved as she ran by and called out to him, “Jump up and down. Move around. You’ll stay warmer that way.”

  She continued down Lexington Parkway and decided on a long run all the way to Minnehaha Falls Park, a twelve mile round trip. She didn’t love to run, but after a couple of miles she always fell into a smooth pace and her legs carried her forward, nearly effortlessly. It felt good and gave her mind time to wander. She thought about how she used to write in her journal a lot, but lately she hadn’t been able to. Of course she never rode the bus anymore, so some of her journal writing time had disappeared. She was lucky if she even got a letter off to her folks or Auntie Lynn once a month. I really need to make some time to journal—I totally lose track when I don’t record things occasionally.

  She had no idea anymore what was happening with her life. Where once she felt self-directed and certain about her goals, now she found herself drifting along in a holding pattern. Since she and Dez had patched up their differences, work was much steadier—and less stressful—but she still felt on edge. For one thing, she didn’t know where she stood with the taciturn cop. Nothing had changed for Jaylynn. Every time Dez fixed a razor-sharp gaze on her, Jaylynn felt the same exact butterflies in her stomach she’d always had. Fortunately, they spent most of their time staring out the windshield of a squad car or dealing with squabbling people. When their eyes met outside the car or while on the street, they usually communicated about the altercation they were involved in and nothing else.

  Jaylynn cut through a grassy schoolyard, feeling the springy soil beneath her feet. She felt strong today, like she could run forever. She wished she could run more often with Dez. Until lately, they’d been lifting weights every night after work, but since the middle of May, Dez hadn’t wanted to run any distances anymore, saying she wouldn’t be able to until after the August competition. She said heavy aerobic exercise was too hard on the muscle she was trying to preserve. Soon, Dez told her, she’d have to go on an even stricter diet. She couldn’t how how her food intake could get any more severe than it already was. She resolved to ask about that later.

  They’d both been on their best behavior for weeks, and if she was honest with herself, Jaylynn had to admit she felt a stressed because of it. How much longer could she continue to be so cautious? And they’d never talked about what happened when she spent the night on the couch in Dez’s arms. She never would have thought she could kiss someone like that—and then turn around and pretend it never happened—but apparently that was what was expected of her. Nothing was resolved. With a passion, Jaylynn hated things left hanging.

  She arrived at the entrance of Minnehaha Falls Park and jogged over to the waterfall. A cascade of fresh water poured off a small rock shelf, fell thirty feet, and splashed with a roar in a wide pool. Many of the trees were still bare, but some were starting to bud out, and three immense evergreens provided plenty of green to enjoy. She watched the water churn until she caught her breath, then put a leg up on the back of a park bench overlooking the pool and stretched out her hamstrings. The park was silent and peaceful, and she liked the fresh smell of water and leaves as she stood alone on the dirt path surrounding the waterfall. She stretched some more, still feeling plenty limber, and let her eyes scan the area until she found a water fountain and strolled over to it. She worked the knob, and a burst of water sprayed up, catching her in the face. Brrr! That’s cold! Wiping her face on the sleeve of her sweatshirt, she tried the knob again, this time not leaning in until she had the stream under control. She drank her fill and returned to sit on the bench.

  Her thoughts went back to Dez Reilly, and she asked herself a series of questions she hadn’t yet dared to try to answer. Can I go on like this, indefinitely, feeling the way I do? Is it enough to be with her every night, maybe occasionally at Luella’s or with others? If it’s not enough, what do I do?

  She slouched on the bench, her arms spread wide across the top of the bench, and tipped her head back, looking up to the peak of the evergreen tree overhead. She’d never been much for ultimatums, but part of her wanted to confront Dez and deliver a big one. She decided that was why she felt like she was walking on eggshells so much of the time. She was deathly afraid she would blurt out her feelings and challenge Dez to deal with them.

  Fat lot of good that would do. In her heart, she knew confrontation was not only unwise, but unfair to Dez. Just because she didn’t return Jaylynn’s feelings in the same way didn’t mean Dez needed to be hit over the head with it. This is my problem, Jaylynn thought. Even though she may be attracted to me, it doesn’t mean she can love me, and she’s got enough class not to act on purely physical feelings. I’d rather she actually fall in love with someone and be happy than just “love ’em and leave ’em.”

  Maybe over time our friendship will deepen and strengthen. So—I guess we can never be lovers. I have to accept that. I must. I’ll be the best friend I can, and I will be satisfied with that and only that.

  She stood up and shook her legs out, stretched her arms and shoulders, and jogged away from the falls, looking back once to see the cold, clear water splashing persistently, ceaselessly, over the rock rim and falling to the bottom. I’ll be as steady as that waterfall. I’ll just keep on, and no matter what, I won’t think of her anymore as anything but a friend. She picked up the pace as she exited the park and continued the long run back to her house, still feeling strong.

  Dez woke the morning of June Seventh knowing immediately it wouldn’t be a day like any other. She got out of bed and padded over to her desk and rolled the top back. She sat in the desk chair in her T-shirt and boxer pajama shorts and made herself look at the two four-by-six-inch framed photos sitting on the wood surface. They contained pictures of the two most influential men in her life.

  The one on the left was a photo of her tall father in full dress blues. A laughing little black-haired girl wrapped around the policeman’s leg was gazing up at him, a look of adoration on her smiling white face. She wore a red corduroy jumper over a white turtleneck. White leotards and brown and white saddle shoes completed her outfit. They stood in the front yard with a low-slung rambler-style home visible in the background. His black hair was cropped short and blue eyes stared directly at the camer
a with only the slightest trace of a smile on his smooth face. Circa 1975, her father peered back at her as if to ask why she’d locked him away for so long.

  The photo on the right was of a grinning blond man, obviously on a sunny day at a picnic. He wore light blue shorts and no shirt. His bare chest was golden tan, his abdomen tight and rippled with muscle. He looked like he’d just arisen from a picnic table. In one hand he held a cob of corn, which he appeared to be ready to use as a club on the picture taker. Dez picked up the photo and peered closely at it. She usually avoided looking at it every time she got into her desk, but today—today was the one-year anniversary of Ryan’s death. This morning she should look at his face, remember him, honor his memory. She set the picture down. Tears sprang to her eyes, but she didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to start feeling something that would escalate and get out of control.

  After she took a shower and ate breakfast, she called Julie and spoke to her for a while. Ryan’s wife hadn’t adjusted well to her husband’s death at first, but today Dez could tell Julie was trying very hard to make peace with it. They managed to make it through the conversation without breaking down and crying, so Dez considered it a success. Now if I can just get out of the house before Luella gets hold of me.

  She looked out the window and saw the beautiful weather: sunny, breezy, no clouds. A day suitable for a picnic, like the day in the photograph. It was a day, she decided, when she needed to keep busy. She didn’t want to slip into sadness, didn’t want to think of Ryan while being sullen and blue.

  On an impulse Dez dialed Jaylynn’s house and was surprised when Jaylynn answered the phone. In a low voice, she said, “Hey, it’s early. What are you doing up?”

  Jaylynn said, “You expected me to be some sort of lazybones lounging around? I’ve got things to do, places to go, people to see.”

  “Oh.”

  “Why? What’s happening?”

  “Nothing. I’ll let you go.”

  “Wait a minute! To tell the truth, I was getting ready to take a walk around the lake. Want to join me?”

  “Is this really a walk or some kind of a puking sprint?”

  “A nice brisk walk—that’s all! I’ll meet you at the east end in what? Fifteen minutes?”

  Dez thought for a long moment. She liked the lake on weekdays. There were usually few people there compared to Saturdays and Sundays. “Okay. I’ll see you by the stone arch.” She rang off and changed into running shoes, lightweight shorts, and a tank top. She paused long enough to apply some sunscreen to her neck, shoulders, and arms, then grabbed a Twins cap and headed downstairs. Sure enough, Luella lay in wait with the back door open.

  “Desiree Reilly, what are you up to today?” Luella came to stand in the back doorway, a smile on her face.

  “I’m meeting Jaylynn at the stone arch for a walk around the lake.”

  “That’s a good idea. How’re you getting there?”

  “Why, Luella, I’m walking. It’s only half a mile.”

  “So it is. Bring her over for lemonade later if you want.”

  “I’ll see what she wants to do. See ya.” She jammed the Twins cap over her dark hair and scooted out the back door.

  She was surprised that she beat Jaylynn to the meeting place, which was only about two blocks from the Como House. When Jaylynn finally appeared, she came running up in very tight nylon shorts and a white T-shirt. Dez quickly stifled her admiring glance. “Hi, slowpoke.”

  “Hey.” Jaylynn slowed to a walk. “I had to have a snack, and then I had to change from my jammies.”

  “Ah ha! So you were lazing around in bed.” Dez fell into step next to her.

  “But of course. But I’ll have you know I was awake—just remember that.” Neither made a move to walk more briskly. They ambled away from the stone arch on the path in the bright sunlight for a couple minutes before Jaylynn said, “I know today is an important day, Dez.”

  “Yeah. Unbelievably, it’s been a whole year. Seems like less though. Seems like just yesterday.” She looked away and out across the lake. An entire flotilla of ducks floated along one side in the shade.

  “I can’t imagine what it’d be like. The only thing I have to compare it to is when my dad died.”

  “What? When did that happen?”

  “He died when I was nine.”

  “But—but you always talk about your parents.”

  “My mom remarried when I was thirteen, and my stepdad has been like a father to me. I don’t call him Dave—I call him Dad. He’s a real good guy. I’ve been lucky to have three good parents.”

  “What happened to your father?”

  “He was killed in an accident with another semi. He was an over-the-road trucker.”

  “My father was a cop. He died on duty—heart attack. I was thirteen.”

  “Hmm. That’s a strange thing we have in common, both losing our dads so young.”

  “Yeah. That’s true.” They continued along the cement path under the canopy of elms and oaks, but after another minute, Jaylynn said, “I wish I’d known Ryan. He must’ve been quite a guy.”

  “That he was.”

  Gradually they increased their walking pace, Jaylynn taking three steps to Dez’s two, until both were sweating freely. As the sun shone down upon them and glared off the water, they circled the lake with Jaylynn chattering about various subjects.

  During a quiet moment, Dez abruptly asked, “Do you have any hobbies?”

  Jaylynn looked up at her. “You mean like collecting tea cups and saucers?”

  “No, no. Not at all. Like fishing or boating or wood carving —you know, hobbies.”

  “Can’t afford a boat, never liked to hurt the poor fish, and wood carving? Do I look like an artistic person?”

  “Sure. Why not?”

  “I can’t draw worth beans. Haven’t you noticed what horrible crime scene sketches I do?”

  “You’re not that bad.”

  Jaylynn scoffed at her. “Stick men are embarrassed to have been drawn by me.”

  “That doesn’t answer my question.”

  “About hobbies? Okay.” She tucked her short hair behind her ears and thought a moment. “School has been my hobby, I think. I mean, it took me so long, and I was so busy with it, and I didn’t have time for much else. I like to run, so I guess you could count that. I love music and to read and write in my journal. I’d like to get into photography but haven’t been able to afford a decent camera until recently. I’d also love to travel. I like going to the movies, the theater, to concerts. But I guess I don’t have any actual hobbies. Do you?”

  “Weight lifting. Playing guitar. Guess that’s about it.”

  They continued walking in silence and soon they were back at the stone arch for a second time. Jaylynn said, “That’s about three miles.”

  “Want to quit?”

  “Yeah, I suppose.”

  They slowed from the swift walk to a saunter.”Luella asked if you wanted to come by after we’re done and have lemonade.”

  “At your house?”

  Dez arched an eyebrow. “That is where she lives.”

  Jaylynn socked her in the shoulder and made a face. “I’m all sweaty.”

  “She doesn’t care.”

  They headed over to the house, strolling along in companionable silence in the sunlight as the sidewalk heated up beneath them. Luella was glad to see Jaylynn and insisted on giving her a hug, ignoring her protests about sweat.

  They sat in the coolness of the dining room swigging lemonade while Luella stood over them with the pitcher.

  Luella asked, “What have you girls got planned for today?”

  Jaylynn shrugged as Dez said, “I’m getting out all the gear and finally painting the back hall.”

  Luella said, “Sounds like a lot of work. Why don’t you two go do something fun today?”

  Dez said, “It needs doing. I’ve been meaning to work on it for a long time.”

  “You want some help?” Jaylynn asked.r />
  “Nah, it’s a lot of work.”

  Luella sputtered. “Isn’t that what I just said?” She smacked the pitcher down on the table, crossed her arms over her purple housedress, and proceeded to give Dez the evil eye.

  Dez gazed at Luella, her face expressionless. “It’s work for her, pleasure for me.”

  Jaylynn rose and moved to stand next to Luella. She put a hand on Luella’s shoulder and with a challenging look on her face said, “How do you know it’s not pleasure for me?”

  “Yeah,” Luella said. “She’ll get a real good lunch out of it, won’t you, honey?” She wrapped an arm around Jaylynn’s waist.

  Dez sighed and shook her head. “I give up. I bow to the greater powers.” She rolled her eyes. “If you want to stay, Jay, you’d better take my truck home for painting clothes.”

  Jaylynn eagerly accepted the keys to the Ford. She’d never driven such a big truck. Once she got the seat moved forward about a foot, she found the vehicle easy to maneuver and even easier to see out of, which she liked a lot. She returned a short time later with a change of clean clothes and wearing a pair of very short but shabby gray shorts, a baggy Minnesota Twins T-shirt—stolen from Tim—and her oldest pair of tennis shoes. She found Dez, wearing much the same outfit, setting up a ladder in the back hall. She’d already spread newspaper over the floor and hung drop cloths on the hardwood at the foot of the stairs. Luella stood in the back doorway, an apron over her housedress. When Jaylynn opened the screen door and stepped inside, Luella said, “You got your choice, Jaylynn. Chicken or roast beast?”

  “Chicken, I think.”

  “Baked or fried?”

  Jaylynn glanced over at Dez. As if reading her mind, she said, “Baked.”

  “What else strikes your fancy?”