Gun Shy

by Lori L. Lake

  The whirlpool stopped and Dez jerked awake. She felt dizzy and overheated, her breath coming quicker than usual. Jaylynn’s face. She’d been dreaming of Jay. She didn’t think she’d dreamt of Jaylynn before, at least, she didn’t remember, and yet, somehow, the dream felt very familiar. Dez sat up abruptly and shook the water off her neck and shoulders. She put her hands on either side of her temples and pressed, shaking her head slightly. Her head ached. Her ribs hurt. In fact, she felt like she’d been trampled by an elephant. Maybe she shouldn’t have used such hot water in the whirlpool. She definitely felt overheated and faint.

  With effort, she rose and stood as the water trickled off her pink skin. She felt shaky as she took hold of the grab bar on the side of the tub. Stepping out onto the rug, she leaned on the sink for balance. Once the room stopped spinning, she wrapped up in a towel and made her way into the kitchen. She didn’t feel a bit hungry, but she made a fortified protein shake and forced a sip down. She carried it into the other room and changed into a T-shirt and shorts.

  She had no idea whether this interruption in her training and lifting would ruin the possibility of competing in August’s bodybuilding competition, but she knew she must eat or her body would devour muscle from her large frame. She sat on the couch. Switching on the TV remote, she flipped through the channels until she came to reruns of Star Trek: Voyager, which she knew was one of Jaylynn’s favorite shows. She watched as a strange woman called the Borg Queen attempted to assimilate the captain of the ship and a striking blonde woman with a numerical name. When she finished her shake, she set the glass on the coffee table, scooted down on the couch, and promptly fell asleep.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  When Dez arrived at the station an hour before roll call, she was surprised to see Jaylynn’s gray Camry already in the lot. She angled her truck in a few spaces away, grabbed her gym bag, and hopped out of the Ford. The black pavement was oozing heat that she felt burning against her sandals. She didn’t think it would be much fun to patrol this afternoon, and she looked forward to the sun going down.

  Dark blue Dockers shorts and a tank top revealed her well-muscled legs and arms. Despite the rib injury, she hadn’t gained weight—or lost any substantial amount of muscle. She strolled across the lot and to the back entrance shifting her shoulders from side to side and feeling the tension around her rib cage. She wasn’t entirely healed, but every day the muscles in her torso felt looser. She just wished she could sleep better.

  With a light step, she hustled down the stairs to the locker room, but all was silent there. Puzzled, she wondered where Jaylynn was. She hadn’t seen her anywhere on the way down. She wished she had gathered up the courage to call her the last two days, but she felt she would somehow be intruding. Luella told her Jaylynn phoned her with a positive update, so she knew that for the moment, all was well.

  Dez opened her locker and sorted and arranged her things. She laid out her uniform and dressed, then sat down on the end of the bench with her back against the wall. She checked the magazine in her Glock and ran a long forefinger down the barrel before holstering it. She took out her handcuffs, checked their mechanism and put them away. She sat for a few moments, letting her breath come and go, trying to relax. Checking her watch, she saw she had forty minutes until roll call.

  She rose and rooted around on the top shelf of her locker until she found an ankle knife and sheath. She pulled up her pant leg to affix it over her sock. Rearranging her slacks to conceal it, she fussed with it some more until she got it set just right on her ankle. She sat back on the bench and leaned against the wall, bringing her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her shins.

  Every moment that went by made her more and more nervous. She’d been looking forward to seeing Jaylynn tonight. After over a week of wondering and worrying, she thought this would be a relief. Instead, she knew she was becoming edgier by the moment. It didn’t help that she’d gone back on the low-carb diet. The doctor pronounced her healthy, though still bruised, and the minute he gave her the go-ahead, she shifted back into weight-training mode. The last two nights she’d surprised herself with how well she’d lifted.

  She heard voices, and the locker room door opened and shut a couple times, but no Jaylynn. The nasally sound of Pilcher’s voice wafted down the corridor. Dez had never much cared for Pilcher, and she concentrated on ignoring the sound. So she was taken by surprise when Jaylynn rounded the corner abruptly and said, “Hi, Dez.”

  Dez hadn’t thought at all about what she expected to feel, but it certainly wasn’t this crashing thunderbolt to her heart and the immediate rush of blood to her head. She stammered out, “Jaylynn. You’re back,” instantly feeling stupid for stating the obvious.

  Considering all she’d been through in the last ten days, Jaylynn had never looked better. Her hair was recently cut and shaped close to her head. Hazel eyes shone brightly, and she looked rested. She walked right up to the bench, swung a leg over, and put a hand on Dez’s ankle as she sat down. “How are you?”

  Dez nodded, still feeling dull-witted. “Great.”

  Jaylynn squeezed the long-legged woman’s ankle and frowned, tilting her head to the side. “What’s this? A gun?”

  “Knife.” Dez shrugged. “Just felt like wearing it tonight.”

  “In case we wanted to whittle, or what?” Jaylynn peered up at her, a smile on her face, her hair shining white-gold under the fluorescent lights. She wore a loose gray T-shirt that said “U of M Track & Field” in maroon lettering on the front and a pair of jeans shorts that revealed suntanned legs. Setting her car keys down on the bench, she untied the laces of her Adidas.

  Dez smiled. A series of words came to mind to explain how she was feeling: foolish, silly, bird-brained, idiotic, giddy. Perhaps giddy described it best. She could almost imagine herself wrapping her arms around Jaylynn, but of course she restrained herself. In a low, controlled voice, she asked, “How was Seattle?”

  “Good. All good.” Jaylynn stood and unlocked her locker to remove various items. “Ugh. What a mess I’ve got going here.”

  “You have some fresh uniforms back from the laundry. Want me to go get ’em for ya?”

  “Sure.”

  Dez was glad to head to the rear of the locker room so Jaylynn could undress in privacy, but when she came back with two hangers full of clothes, she found Jaylynn waiting in her bra and briefs. She could honestly say she’d never before paid attention to Jaylynn when she dressed, but today she couldn’t keep from looking. Her eyes traveled up from the floor taking in the lean runner’s legs, the flare of hips, the slender waist with tight abs, and the swell of breasts, topped off by well-rounded shoulders and, of course, those eyes. Eyes that were currently looking at her with amusement.

  “Earth to Dez. Hey, you want to give me those?”

  Mechanically she handed Jaylynn the two heavy hangers full of uniforms and turned to her own locker, attempting to swallow before noticing she had no liquid in her mouth. She took a water bottle from her top shelf, sat on the bench with her side to the young woman, and drank three big swigs. “You’re here early, Jay,” she mumbled.

  “Yeah, I came down to see the lieutenant and meet with the department psychologist. Gosh, she’s sure nice.”

  “What’s her name?”

  “Raina Goldman.”

  “Goldman! You liked her?”

  “Oh, yes! What’s not to like?”

  Dez remembered the intense, intrusive therapist she was required to see—six times—after Ryan’s death. She’d hated every moment. The poking and probing and prying of her psyche was more than she could bear. “Isn’t she a nosy twit?”

  “Nosy? No. Inquisitive, maybe. I thought she was real nice, and I’m seeing her twice a week for a while, at least until things settle down some.”

  Dez was amazed that anyone would actually want to see the department shrink? She spun around on the bench and gaped at Jaylynn, who didn’t seem to notice as she tied her black oxfords.
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  “Dez, how’s the bruise coming along? Is it fading any?”

  “You bet.” She took another pull from her water bottle and set it on the bench so she could lock up.

  “Crap!” Jaylynn said. “I forgot to tell you that Lieutenant Malcolm wants you to drop by and see him for a minute.” She looked at her watch. “You’ve got lots of time. I’m sorry I forgot.” She looked over at Dez with a sheepish look on her face.

  “Okay. I’ll check with him now. See you up there.”

  Dez took the stairs two at a time and appeared in front of Belton. “Evening,” she said.

  “Go in, Reilly. He’s expecting you.”

  She ducked her head in the door and found the lieutenant looking the same as he always did, a bit harried and tired, but in good spirits.

  “You wanted to see me, sir?”

  “Yes. I wanted to make sure everything’s on track. Savage and I talked, and she requested to continue riding with you. You okay with that?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Internal Affairs ruled it a good shoot. You don’t have any problems with that, right?”

  “Heck, no. She did everything by the book.”

  The lieutenant smiled. “She did, didn’t she? She didn’t panic, didn’t freeze up. You can take some credit for that. You’ve taught her well.”

  “She’s got a good head on her shoulders, Lieutenant. She’s an excellent student.”

  “I’m glad to hear it.” He paused. “One more thing, Dez. I’ve been meaning to say this for a couple days. You’ve had a lot of stress this year. I’d like you to see the department psychologist again.”

  She scowled. Glaring at him she said, “That’s not necessary, sir. I’m not suffering any trauma or anything. Believe me, if I was, I’d go.”

  “Look, you’re a valuable member of this team here. I don’t want to offend you, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t look after you a little. I want you to check in with Goldman, okay?”

  “But sir, with all due respect, I’ve been fine for a week and a half. There’s no need—”

  “Reilly!” he interrupted. “This is not negotiable. I’ve meant to say something sooner, but I got hung up on other things. This is important, and I should have mentioned it before.” She gave him her best stony gaze, but he didn’t pay attention. He went on. “One session. Answer her questions, let her give me a report, and you’re outta there. Okay?”

  Reluctantly, she said, “Yes, sir.” She backed up. “Is that it?”

  “Yup. Go forth and do good things, hear me?”

  “Yes, sir.” She strode out of the office, a slow burn starting at her neck and reaching up to the roots of her hair. She felt like hitting someone. She imagined hitting Goldman. Instead she stomped downstairs to the locker room and tossed some water on her face. After drying off with a crinkly brown paper towel, she walked back upstairs, her hands and face now feeling chilled in the station’s air conditioning.

  As Dez entered the room, Jaylynn took one look at her face and knew something was wrong. When she asked, though, Dez shrugged her off and sat in the next chair, placing her water bottle on the floor. Her face went flat and expressionless, and she wouldn’t meet Jaylynn’s gaze. Jaylynn watched her from the corner of her eye. Tight-lipped and angry, Dez seemed to be struggling for control.

  No one else was in the room, so Jaylynn patted the muscular thigh closest to her. She let her hand rest there for a moment and craned her head around, silently asking her partner to look at her. When those blue eyes finally did meet hers, what Jaylynn read was stubbornness. And something more—an angry pride. She couldn’t resist; her lips curled up into a tiny ghost of a smile, and as she studied Dez’s face, the shock of recognition and desire welled up in her again. Her stomach kicked into performing gymnastic feats while the ability to remember how to breathe departed from her brain.

  The anger in the pallid face before Jaylynn drained away and was replaced with something else she couldn’t quite identify. She shifted her hand back as casually as she could, relieved when Dez bent to pick up her water bottle. Oh, no, Jaylynn thought. These feelings of mine just won’t quit! She reminded herself of the commitment she made to focus only on friendship. She’d hoped that with a little perseverance and discipline, it would be easy to carry out. She knew now this wasn’t the case, and she was disappointed. It was going to be a long shift.

  Dez and Jaylynn fell back into their routine, and the next two weeks passed quickly. On Wednesday and Friday afternoons Jaylynn came to the station early to meet with Raina Goldman. She was surprised to learn that some of the old-timer cops were appalled she’d go willingly to see the “department shrink,” as they called Goldman. At first Braswell tried to sympathize, telling her it was tough luck she had to go “get her head shrunk.” When she told him she didn’t mind, he looked at her through narrowed eyes as though she’d lost her mind. Dwayne Neilsen cornered her as well and tried to make sport of the counseling angle. She laughed at him and cut into the women’s locker room.

  Jaylynn was to the point where she didn’t care what anyone thought. Very few officers seemed to understand that she relished the chance to talk about what happened and how she felt about it. She certainly didn’t get to do that with Dez, much as she wished she could. Every afternoon they got in the patrol car and made small talk, casually avoiding any emotionally loaded conversations. In fact, most of the time lately, Dez was distant and cranky. When Jaylynn tried to kid her out of her constant mood, Dez just glowered. All in all, she found the couple of weeks long and tiresome.

  Jaylynn was actually relieved to ride with Crystal on a Friday night. Dez had been in court all day testifying about an old homicide case, so she was off work for the evening. For two days the weather had been extraordinarily humid. The air conditioning was going full blast in the car, but the late afternoon sun still beat in on them and heated up the dark seats.

  Crystal brought up Dez. “Hasn’t tall, dark and handsome been tall, dark and bitchy lately?”

  Surprised, Jaylynn shifted her spot in the passenger’s seat to stare at Crystal. “You noticed, too?”

  “Noticed? Everyone on the East Side has noticed. I think the main headquarters must be in the know by now. If you see her heading your way, everyone knows to split. God, she’s been unbearable. How can you ride with her?”

  Jaylynn shook her head sorrowfully. “It’s been tough. I cut her a lot of slack and don’t talk too much. It’s tiring, I’ll admit. I thought she was going to clobber this foul-mouthed drunk last night. You should’ve seen this guy. By the time she got done with him, he looked like he was going to wet his pants.”

  “I pity you, you poor thing.”

  “Crystal, it’s not that bad. Just a little tense. I can’t wait ’til this stupid diet is over. It’s that more than anything, I think.”

  “Yeah, maybe,” Crystal said thoughtfully. “I figured maybe she was having trouble with getting shot.”

  “No, that’s not it. I don’t think she even thinks about it. Though, wait a minute, we haven’t been back to that 7-Eleven, not once. I keep meaning to go there, but I’ve put it off.” She met Crystal’s sympathetic glance. “I don’t think I ever told you thank you for taking care of me that day at the hospital.”

  “No need. You’d have done it for me, too, right?”

  “For your sake, I pray I never have to look after you under the same circumstances. Pretty awful, wasn’t it?”

  “Nah. You were just upset, Jay. Anyone would have been.”

  “Not Dez. She would have handled it.”

  Crystal looked over across the dimly lit car with an incredulous look on her face. “You’re kidding, right?”

  Jaylynn shifted to her left and laid her left arm across the top of the seat so she could look at Crystal better. “Actually, I’m serious.”

  “Chica, let me clue you in on a little secret. Miss Big Bad Cop—the one you’ve got on a pedestal a thousand feet high?—had her own quiet little breakdown after R
yan was shot. You think you were shook up? You should’ve seen her.”

  “What do you mean?” Jaylynn asked, her face puzzled.

  “She was on admin leave for two weeks, and when she came back, she retreated into some faraway place, deep inside herself. She only talked when talked to, carried out orders, pretty much didn’t look anyone in the eye. She basically started coming out of her shell when she began training you. At least you have the smarts to go to counseling—not her! Well, her body went, but her mind didn’t.” Crystal sighed. “I was afraid for her. Didn’t you notice how out-of-sorts she was when you first started?”

  Feeling guilty Jaylynn said, “No. Maybe I was too preoccupied with training. I didn’t—I never had any idea. I probably should have paid closer attention.” She thought back to those first days observing with Dez. She’d seemed shy, certainly standoffish, but after some initial awkwardness, she remembered Dez being helpful and attentive. As the weeks traveled on, Dez had seemed to relax and settle in. Jaylynn chalked it up to them getting to know one another.

  Crystal said, “You’ve been good for her, Jaylynn. She needed a friend, somebody who wouldn’t let her sit around and brood. I couldn’t get through to her at all. I’m glad you came along when you did.”

  Impulsively Jaylynn reached across the seat and gave Crystal’s shoulder a squeeze. “That’s nice of you to say. I’ve enjoyed working with you, too. You’re the best.”

  “Hey, hey! Don’t go getting all mushy on me now. I have to deal with enough of that from Shayna.”

  Jaylynn clicked her tongue and shook her head. “You butchy cops are all the same—tough on the outside, marshmallows on the inside.”