Gun Shy

by Lori L. Lake

  “By that, are you insinuating two is too many?”

  Jaylynn gave a snort of laughter. “No! But I can’t believe you’re actually placing that much fat and sugar in the temple of your body. You have to admit—they are enormous.”

  The lady behind the counter, who was herself a rather substantial woman, laughed merrily. “She could use a little meat on them bones,” she said. “I’ll throw in an extra for you.”

  So they departed with their drinks and five donuts. They stopped at a gas station to use the restrooms. While Dez filled up the truck with gas, Jaylynn called her house and left a message for Tim and Sara so they wouldn’t worry, and they continued up the road.

  With her mouth full of a delectable chocolate Long John, Jaylynn said, “Where to, Magoo?”

  Dez realized she hadn’t even asked Jaylynn what she wanted to do. What if she wants to head home? But she was already on the coast highway heading north, so she simply said, “I was heading toward Gooseberry Falls. You been there?”

  “No. I’ve passed by a few times, but never stopped.”

  “Feel like hiking?”

  “At six a.m.?”

  “Hey, it’ll be seven or so when we get there.”

  “Sounds like that gives me just enough time for another nap.” Jaylynn took a last swig of her coffee.

  “Wait a minute. Coffee’s supposed to keep a person awake.”

  “Nah, never affects me.” She slung the blanket over her shoulders and looked at Dez as if for permission.

  Dez let out a sigh. She patted the seat next to her. “Go ahead. I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

  Jaylynn stretched out on her left side and returned to the snuggly position with her head on Dez’s right thigh. Dez gripped the wheel with her left hand and rested her other hand on Jaylynn’s shoulder. A small hand promptly grabbed her hand and pulled it to her chest.

  Later, at Gooseberry Falls, Dez parked the truck. As Jaylynn got out, she heard the rush of water and smelled the fresh scent it carried. The big waterfalls were close to the bridge, and she saw the crashing water as she hiked excitedly down a series of stone stairs.

  “Wow, this is great,” Jaylynn said. She stood gazing out over rocks carved out of the hillside from many eons of erosion. Aspen, birch, and evergreen trees lined the sides of the deep chasm, the leaves of the deciduous trees starting to change from green to gold. She squeezed past an older couple who stood looking at the crashing water and stepped carefully across the dark brown rock as if spellbound. She stood close to the first large pool of water. Dez followed a few paces behind, her hands in her jeans pockets. Turning around, eyes shining, Jaylynn said, “I wish I had my camera. I never knew this was so beautiful.” She spun around and knelt on one knee, thrusting her fingers in the water only to jerk them out just as abruptly. “Eeek! That’s cold!” She stood and shook her hand out, drying it on the leg of her pants.

  Dez smiled and said, “There are five waterfalls all together. These two here,” she pointed to the left, “are the biggest, but there’s usually a lot of people here.” She looked around at the kids throwing rocks and other sightseers taking photos. In a grouchy voice she said, “What are all these people doing here on a Monday anyway?”

  “They’re here because it’s so gorgeous.” She let her eyes scan the area yet another time and decided it was one of the loveliest spots she’d ever been to.

  “We can take that path—it’s called the Gitchi Gummi Trail,” Dez said, pointing alongside the water. “It comes out at Agate Beach where this runs into Lake Superior. Let’s walk out there, okay?”

  Her expression was so hopeful that Jaylynn found she couldn’t refuse. She looked down at the lightweight jacket she wore. “But I bet I’ll get cold.”

  “I’ll run up to the truck and get that blanket, and I’m pretty sure I have a sweatshirt behind the seat.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I don’t mind,” and with that, Dez was off like a shot. Jaylynn watched as her long legs ate up the flights of stone stairs and she disappeared around a corner at the top. In moments she was back, skipping down the stairs like a kid. She arrived, breathless, carrying the light blue blanket, her black baseball cap, and a gray U of M sweatshirt.

  Jaylynn took the sweatshirt. “Hey! I think this is mine. I was wondering where it went.”

  Dez mumbled, “Yeah, guess you left it in the truck a while ago.” She jammed her black cap on over windblown hair and started off down the path, carrying the blanket and not letting Jaylynn see the embarrassed look on her face. She’d toted around the sweatshirt for months. She knew she should have returned it long ago, but it was the only thing left of Jaylynn’s, and she couldn’t bring herself to give it back. She’d even worn it a couple of times. She looked over her shoulder to see Jaylynn putting on the baggy sweatshirt over her polo shirt and zipping up her jacket over it. Jaylynn hastened to catch up with her.

  “Hey, my sweatshirt smells like you.”

  Dez blanched. She stopped and faced Jaylynn. Stuttering, she said, “Gosh, I hope it’s not sweaty or anything. I – I – I think I did wear it. Yeah, I guess I must have.”

  Jaylynn pulled at the neckband and ducked her head down to sniff it. “No, it doesn’t smell bad at all. It smells good—like you.”

  Dez wheeled around and began walking faster, her face flaming. Jaylynn hustled behind her and continued to talk. “Ever notice how people all smell so different? And did you ever read about pheromones and all that stuff in biology?” They stepped up on a wooden bridge only five feet across which carried them over a muddy wash of water. “Smells are so interesting. Like have you noticed some people who like each other a lot seem to smell the same, and if you’re around someone whose smell doesn’t appeal to you, you don’t seem to like them at all?”

  Dez didn’t answer, so Jaylynn kept on. “For instance, Tim and Kevin. You probably didn’t get close enough to notice this, but I’ll just tell you anyway. They smell the same. If I hug either of them, they carry the same scent.”

  Over her shoulder Dez asked, “Like they use the same cologne, or what?”

  “No, not that. They have the same smell—I’m sorry. I think I’m explaining this badly.” She stepped over a twisted tree root and ducked under a low-hanging branch. “Whatever they eat, they both carry the same exact scent. Their breath is even the same. They probably sweat identically or something. And you know, they’re perfect for each other, can’t resist each other. It’s that pheromone thing, I’m just sure of it. This guy is the one for Tim. I can tell. Nobody else has ever affected him this way. But they’re not the only ones like this. So are Sara and Bill. And my mom and stepdad. And have you ever noticed Crystal and Shayna? Those two always smell like a vanilla candle.”

  In a low, gruff voice, Dez said, “I’m not sure I ever get close enough to people to test your theory.” She didn’t know where Jaylynn was going with this idea, but she was relieved she seemed to have forgotten about the sweatshirt.

  Jaylynn considered that as she strode along right behind her. “Guess you’ll have to take my word for it ’cause I think it’s true.”

  The path twisted to the right and wandered around a bit. Just when Jaylynn thought they were deep in the forest, they suddenly emerged from the trees and found a pebbly beach spread out before them. She stopped and stared. Two hundred yards away were huge cracked glacial rocks, tossed haphazardly in what looked like an enormous pile at the water’s edge. The water was blue, the color of Dez’s eyes, and it lapped gently at the shore.

  The sun shone bright but cold. Dez kept walking and now stood forty yards away, near the water with the blanket over her shoulder. Her hands were in her jeans pockets, her long hair whipping to the side in the brisk breeze. Dez glanced over her shoulder, wheeled around and caught sight of Jaylynn. Dez raised her arms parallel to the ground, tipped her head to the side slightly, and shrugged as if to ask why her companion wasn’t keeping up.

  Jaylynn smiled and s
logged through the pebbles to join her. The air was crisp and smelled fresh, like clean laundry, and she breathed it in, letting the familiarity of the place soothe her. She came to stand right next to Dez. “It’s beautiful here, Dez. What a great place.”

  Dez nodded. She hadn’t been to Gooseberry Falls for several years—not since Karin. She’d always loved it and had hiked it high and low. She’d climbed the rocks and cliffs with her dad when she was younger, but Karin had spoiled it for her. She was surprised that the association of the place with Karin no longer had an effect on her at all. It dawned on her, unexpectedly, that she could reclaim a favorite spot, and it made her feel relieved and warm all over.

  On impulse she grabbed Jaylynn’s hand and led her toward the rocks. “Come on, let me show you something.” She hauled Jaylynn up on one gigantic rock.

  Jaylynn perched on the large flat rock, squatting with both palms flat on its surface. “Do I need to remind you that I’m kind of afraid of heights?”

  “We won’t be very high. Don’t worry.” Dez hefted herself up another level and reached back to help Jaylynn. They crawled up the pile of massive rocks. Dez picked her way along an edge and squeezed through a narrow space between two boulders, reaching back to help Jaylynn when necessary. Beyond the boulders was a wide flat spot, then a cliff, and the craggy shoreline beyond stretched out for miles.

  Jaylynn inched over to stand behind as Dez gazed out from the precipice. In a worried voice she said, “Don’t get too close.”

  Dez gave her anxious partner a brilliant smile. “I thought I was the worry wart around here.”

  “We’ll trade off. It can be my turn today.” She took Dez’s hand and jerked her away from the edge.

  Dez looked around and pointed to a smooth depression in the rock against a tall outcropping. “There’s a great place to sit.” She felt nervous, but she moved over and arranged the partly folded blanket in the hollow, sat on it, and scooted back. She gestured to Jaylynn. “It’s a good spot here—out of the wind. Come join me?” She patted the blanket in front of her and drew her knees up. Jaylynn gingerly stepped over and lowered herself to sit, her back against Dez’s shins. Dez leaned back against the cool rock. “Is that okay?”

  “Um hmm.” Jaylynn shivered.

  “Are you cold again?”

  She nodded. “A teeny bit hungry, too.”

  Dez laughed. From her jacket pocket she took out a pack of Hostess Chocolate Cupcakes, which she set beside her. She unzipped her coat and moved her knees apart and made a V with her legs. She surprised Jaylynn by wrapping her arms around her. Once she got her settled comfortably against her midsection, Dez put her hands on her own knees and hoped this was okay. It was all she could do to keep her hands off Jaylynn. But she resolved not to be pushy, to let whatever happened happen. If we are only destined to be friends, I will live with that—maybe. She grinned and picked up the cellophane-wrapped treat next to her and thrust it in Jaylynn’s face.

  Jaylynn twisted around. “Hey! Where’d you get that?”

  “Bought it in the food mart when we stopped for gas.”

  “Aren’t you the clever one.” She ripped into the package and nestled back into the warmth. Dez wrapped her open jacket around Jaylynn as far as it would go.

  As she munched, Jaylynn remembered fragments of a dream. She swallowed a bite of cupcake and said, “You won’t believe this, but earlier today in the truck, I dreamed of us in this place, this cliff, sitting here. Weird, that is so incredibly weird. Hmm . . .”

  “What?”

  Jaylynn squeezed her eyes shut and willed the dream to come to the forefront but it would not. “I hate when that happens!”

  “What? What do you mean?”

  “When a scrap of a dream comes into your mind but before you can really remember it fully, it slips away. I hate that. But it was a good dream, I think.” She closed her eyes again and waited, but it was too late. She opened her eyes and looked out on the broad expanse of the lake. A movement caught her eye. Along the shore was a stand of poplar trees. A bird rose from high up in the branches and took flight. She watched the hawk ascend and circle above the treeline, floating and dipping in the morning wind.

  Dez’s hand rose from her knee, and Jaylynn saw her pointing toward the hawk. “Yes, I see. Isn’t she beautiful?” She took Dez’s big hand in her own and pulled it down and around her.

  “How do you know it’s a she?” Dez asked.

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. It just seems right. I imagine she’s circling above her nest, keeping an eye on it.” She squeezed the hand she held. Tentative arms encircled her waist, and Jaylynn drew her own knees up and leaned back with a peaceful sigh. When Dez shifted, Jaylynn twitched. “Am I squishing you?”

  “Nope. I’m settling in,” she said in a husky voice. “Hold still. You’re fine.”

  Jaylynn sat peacefully. She couldn’t help but smile and was glad Dez couldn’t see her face because she didn’t want to be asked any questions right now. She wanted to sit quietly on the rocks gazing at Lake Superior forever and ever. But I’d get awfully hungry, she thought and stifled a giggle.

  A voice near her ear murmured, “What’s so funny?”

  “Just thinking about my stomach again.” She picked up the cupcake package and held it up. “Do you want this second cupcake?”

  “No, I’m fine. Go ahead.”

  “I’m not used to eating something so sweet anymore.”

  “Want to save it for later?”

  When she nodded, Dez took the cellophane package and tucked it into her jacket pocket. Quickly she returned her arm to its place around Jaylynn’s middle, feeling the smooth surface of the windbreaker beneath her palms. When Jaylynn contentedly wrapped arms over the top of her forearms, Dez felt a warmth rise from her midsection and spread through her body. Jaylynn’s head nestled under her chin on Dez’s chest and she could have kissed her hair without stretching a bit. She took a deep breath and savored the smell. She wondered if perhaps Jaylynn was right: maybe the scent of a person was what attracted you to her. And she certainly felt attracted now. She hoped Jaylynn, who was snuggling comfortably between her legs, didn’t realize what was happening. She didn’t want to scare her away or overwhelm her—but Dez was acutely aware of the heat flooding through her. She tried to still her breath, to pace her thumping heart, but the sensations racing through her body seemed to short-circuit her will. With one slight shift her lips could be at Jaylynn’s ear, her neck. With every ounce of will, she fought against what her body urged her to do.

  Dez cleared her throat and said, “Should we head back home?”

  “Are you in a hurry to get back today?”

  “No.”

  “We could look around some more if you want,” Jaylynn said, a question in her voice.

  “Is anyone expecting you—I mean, do you have to be anywhere today?”

  “Nope. If Sara or Tim come home and wonder where I am, they’ll get my phone message. You’re stuck with me for as long as you want.”

  Dez tipped her head to the side and thought, What if it’s forever? What if I want to be stuck with you forever? She could no longer avoid this conclusion. She felt complete when she was with Jaylynn, as though all was right with the world—even if that did sound trite and corny. At the same time, the intensity of her feelings scared the hell out of her. What if this woman here in my arms doesn’t feel the same way? She had spoken once of lust, but lust was not enough. I want love. Passion. Commitment. Forever. What likelihood is there of that? And Dez had felt the price of unrequited love—how could she live through that again?

  They sat for some time, long enough for a ship to appear on the horizon and steam south until they could no longer see it over the rocks.

  “Dez?”

  “Hmmm?”

  “Do you ever think about the man who killed Ryan? Aren’t you glad you didn’t have to shoot him?”

  All thoughts of love and sex and commitment vanished from Dez’s mind. She shifted unco
mfortably. “I try not to think about any of that. Why?”

  “ ’Cause I can’t stop thinking about the guy I shot.” She paused, fumbling for words. “He was so young. He could’ve had a life.” In a whisper Dez could hardly hear, she said, “It’s my fault he doesn’t. I still can’t believe someone’s dead because of me.”

  In a firm voice, Dez said, “He’s dead because of his own choices. It’s not your fault. If you hadn’t shot him, he’d have shot you and probably the clerk, too.”

  “We don’t know that,” she said in a strangled voice.

  “It’s likely though. He was high. It wasn’t your fault, Jay. You have to believe me.” Now she leaned forward and nuzzled Jaylynn’s neck with the side of her cheek. She tightened her grip and made a soothing sound in the back of her throat.

  “I wish I could go back and do it all over again,” Jaylynn choked out, and Dez understood Jaylynn was crying.

  “You did the right thing. You probably saved my life—and yours. What else could you have done?”

  “I could have shot to wound,” she choked out.

  “It happened too fast, Jay. You reacted out of instinct.”

  “No. I made a choice.” The events played out in Jaylynn’s mind as they had hundreds of times already. The startled face of the gunman as he swung toward them. Her arm going back automatically and unsnapping her holster. The explosion and Dez falling back against her. Instinctively using her partner as a shield as she pulled her weapon. Aiming. Firing. And then a split-second feeling of a weight descending upon her chest and choking all the air out. “I shot to kill, not to wound.”

  Dez leaned forward and inclined her head around to see her face, but Jaylynn turned the other way. “Don’t look at me, Dez. I probably look terrible.”

  Dez shook her head. “No, you don’t. You look fine, Jay. Listen to me. I think what you’re feeling is totally normal. I would feel all the same things. When we became cops, we knew this kind of thing could happen. We’re trained to respond a certain way, and you acted exactly the way you were taught. You did the right thing. If it happened again, I would want you to react the very same way.”