I Want You Back

by Lorelei James

  “Good to know. You should also know I wasn’t critiquing your hard sell of your hockey program. All Mimi has said to me is she wants to skate fast . . . nothing about hockey.”

  She frowned again. “That’s odd. She asked me to come over and talk to you about enrolling her in the program.”

  That’s why the little sneak had disappeared with her uncle.

  “We have a class for new players starting next week.”

  “This is something I’d have to discuss with her and her mother in depth.”

  “Understood. But this is a basic skills class. If she likes that, then you can address the possibility of her playing, even in a noncompetitive league.”

  I raised an eyebrow at her.

  She laughed. “Right. Forgot who I was talkin’ to for a moment. And you lived the dream that many of these kids strive for from an early age, so I don’t gotta give you the spiel about commitment and cost, even on the recreational level.”

  “Recreational hockey is something I don’t know a damn thing about. But I’d be grateful if you didn’t mention to anyone the possibility of Mimi giving classes a try.”

  “This discussion and the follow-up is absolutely confidential, Mr. Lund.”

  “Please. Call me Jax. Right now I’m not a former pro hockey player, I’m just a plain old confused father trying to do the right thing for his kid.”

  She grinned at me. “I think we both know what that thing is.” She pulled a business card out of the first aid kit attached to her belt. “I’ve got more time to talk in the mornings, so feel free to give me a holler if you need anything.” She offered her hand. “Damn nice to meet you, Stonewall.”

  I glanced at the card. “You too, Margene.”

  * * *

  • • •

  I didn’t say a word after I got in the car.

  I didn’t say anything for three solid minutes before Mimi piped up. “You’re mad, huh?”

  “I don’t know yet.”

  “I really, really, really, really want to play hockey, Daddy. Please.”

  I held up my hand. “I would’ve been happy to discuss this with you. But you . . .” I inhaled and exhaled. I would not be the bad guy in this scenario. “Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong with how I discovered your interest in playing hockey.” If she was old enough to use that kind of manipulation, she was old enough to understand why it was wrong, explain why she did it and take responsibility.

  When Mimi remained mum several minutes later, my gaze flicked to the rearview mirror. Her brow was furrowed, but I didn’t see that stubborn, mean set to her little chin.

  Next to me, Nolan murmured, “You sure this is the best way to handle this, bro?”

  “When you have a kid, feel free to do it differently,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “I’m sorry,” Mimi finally said.

  “And?”

  “And I shoulda told you that I wanted hockey skates so I could play hockey, not because I was going to a birthday party.”

  I nodded. “Keep going.”

  “And I shouldn’t have told that lady to go over and talk to you about putting me in hockey classes. Because I shoulda asked you first if we could talk about it.”

  I sent Nolan a smug look. See? I can do this parenting stuff.

  “But, Daddy, even if you say yes, Mommy will say no and that’s not fair! Maybe I could be a really, really good player like you and win championships and stuff, like you did! How will I know if I could be the best if I don’t even get to try because you and Mommy will fight about it like you fight about everything else!”

  And my pat on the back felt like a punch in the gut.

  I hated that Mimi was aware that her mother and I sometimes had words. I really hated that Mimi tried to use it to her advantage now. Lucy and I had agreed to provide a united front. She was the one I needed to talk to, not a precocious eight-year-old with an agenda. “Your mom and I will talk about it.”

  “You mean yell about it,” she said sullenly.

  “Hey. And no back talk,” I said sharply.

  “I wanna go home.”

  “That’s where we’re headed.”

  “No, I wanna go home to Mommy.”

  “Jesus, when did this start?” Nolan said under his breath.

  “Well, that’s too bad, sweets, because you’re stuck with me until tomorrow. But I’m pretty sure Calder is around if you wanna play until dinnertime.”

  She didn’t respond, and the remainder of the drive to Snow Village was strangely silent.

  I expected Nolan to take off, but he seemed content to settle into the couch with a soda while college football games droned in the background.

  “I have to tell you something,” he finally said.

  I groaned. “I’m not gonna like this, am I?”

  “It’s not bad. I thought it was kind of sweet.”

  “What?”

  “About the last year or so that you lived in Chicago, whenever Mimi was around me, she asked a million questions about hockey. She always wanted to watch your games—even ones from years back before she was born. She thought it was the coolest sport ever, and she begged me to take her skating and to kids’ hockey games around here. The girl was obsessed.”

  “Did you tell Lucy?”

  He sent me an “Are you kidding me?” look.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I honestly thought it was a phase. A daddy-worship thing. She wished you were here, she wanted to be closer to you so she used her interest in hockey as a coping mechanism . . . blah, blah, blah.”

  “So you weren’t surprised by her sneaky-ass actions today.”

  “Yes, I was surprised by the way she went about bringing it to your attention. But given the way Lucy would react if Mimi had asked her to enroll her in hockey? I’m not surprised that she had to figure out another way to get someone to take her seriously.” He slurped his soda. “I’m just saying that her interest in the game is genuine. And it’s not new. It’s what she wants, Jax. How can you deny her the opportunity?” He smirked. “Especially now that she’s got top-of-the-line hockey gear.”

  “Bite me.”

  “Pass. But you can’t ignore this. Mimi will bring it up with Lucy, and then you’ll take the brunt of the blame for keeping something from her.”

  “Add it to the other shit I’ve been dragging my feet on talking to her about.”

  “Do I even want to know what the hell that cryptic statement is supposed to refer to?”

  “No. But it’s time you knew anyway.” I felt relieved to get my impending change of address off my chest. I figured telling my brother would be a good practice run for when I finally told Lucy.

  Nolan took it in stride. “Your move makes sense, but dammit, Jax. Why have you kept this such a big secret?”

  “Are you pouting because I didn’t ask you for remodel and decorating advice?” I shot back.

  “Yes.” He stuck out his lower lip in an exaggerated pout and gave me puppy dog eyes.

  “Pathetic.” I flicked a piece of popcorn at him. “Is that hangdog look something that works with the ladies to get you laid?”

  “Depends. Lately, though, I need more of a challenge.”

  “A potential conquest resisting your charms?”

  He shrugged. “I had drinks with this woman Tuesday night. Testing the waters to see whether I wanted to spend time with her over the weekend. Everything was going fine. I excused myself to use the restroom . . . and she followed me. She got on her knees and blew me. Right there in the bathroom. Then afterward, she wandered over to the mirror and touched up her lipstick. She smiled and said it was still early in the week and she hoped when I was choosing a playmate for the weekend that her pregame preview would move her to the top of the list.”

  “And . . . did it?”


  “God, Jax, that’s not the point. The point is I’ve gotten into such a predictable routine with women that even the ones I’m going out with for the first time know what to expect. Makes me feel sleazy.” He tossed a piece of popcorn in the air and caught it in his mouth. “So sleazy begets easy and I want to be done with it.”

  I snagged a handful of popcorn. “I don’t know how you do the dating thing anyway.”

  “Like you have room to talk.”

  “I didn’t date. I fucked. You wine and dine them. You bring them to family functions. Some of them you even see more than one time. That gives them a false sense of hope that they might be the one to get you to finally settle down.” I pointed at him. “I never did that. Just sex, pure and simple. A drink in the hotel bar. A trip to my room. And if they really knocked my socks off, I’d order them room service the next morning before I hopped on the team bus and got the hell out of town.”

  My little brother didn’t respond for several long moments, so I knew the bastard was stalling and whatever he wanted to ask me wouldn’t be nice.

  “What?”

  “Was that how it played out when you were cheating on Lucy? You needed a warm body, she wasn’t there, so any female would do?”

  I stood and paced . . . Guilty feet couldn’t sit still or something. “I never cheated on Lucy the first year we were together. Never. I couldn’t wait to get back to her, even when I hated that she refused to move to Chicago during the season. So yeah, that was a point of contention between us. Then she was pregnant with my child, but she didn’t want to be with me in the city where I was based. She needed her family, which totally bit her in the ass because both her mom and her sister moved out of the Cities within six months of Mimi’s birth. She couldn’t work because she had to care for our baby. The married guys on the team . . . their wives would’ve rallied around her and helped had she and Mimi been in Chicago. But no, she wouldn’t even ask Mom and Dad for help here. And I know you offered, but she sent you away too.” I faced him. “I’m not making excuses for fucking around on her. That is all on me. All of it.”

  “But?” he supplied casually.

  “But nothing. Lucy shut me out from being with her and Mimi. Was it a reaction on her part to me cheating on her? Probably. If I never would’ve cheated would she have still shut me out? Probably. That is just how Lucy is.”

  “And you loved her anyway?”

  “Yes.” I sighed. “Christ. I think I was in love with her by our third date. The stupid thing? We didn’t even know each other’s last names at that point.”

  Nolan frowned. “Why didn’t I know any of this?”

  “Because it was our funny backstory. Our secret. And it . . . she . . .” I jammed a hand through my hair in frustration. “She liked me for me, Nolan. Not Jaxson, the pro hockey player. Not Jaxson, heir to the Lund empire. It was the first—and still might be the only—time I can say with certainty that the attraction was honest. Then I betrayed her and did the worst possible thing to her; the same thing her dad had done to her mother. That reinforced her belief men are incapable of monogamy and everything that had been good between us was just a lie.”

  A pause stretched for several long moments until Nolan spoke again. “Sounds like Lucy has always had some issues, bro.”

  “Yeah, well, don’t we all? Mine has always been entitlement. And make fun of me or whatever, but Lucy giving me her heart, choosing to love me, wasn’t an entitlement. It was something I’d earned. But instead of holding her heart like it was something precious? I treated that fucker like I could stomp on it, shred it, break it because it belonged to me.”

  “Jax. Man. Calm down.”

  I continued to pace. “This eats at me. If a man ever treated Mimi the way I treated Lucy? They’d never find his fucking body. How am I supposed to retain hope that Lucy could ever forget? Or forgive me? Am I just an idiot to think she’d ever want to get—” I snapped my mouth shut.

  “Whoa. Are you saying that you want to get back together with her?” Nolan said.

  “Yes. If she gives me the tiniest sign, I’d be all in with her again in a fucking heartbeat.” I finally looked at my brother. “Why does that surprise you?”

  “Because you’re setting yourself up for failure with her again.”

  “So I’m doomed to want with her what we once had and to never get it back? Even if it’d be better this time because I know what we’re—what she’s—worth?”

  “And what’s that, Jax?”

  “Everything.”

  Nolan just blinked at me in that slow, steady, considering manner of his.

  My cell phone buzzed with a text message and I automatically checked. It was from Rowan, Jensen’s wife.

  RL: Hey, the kids want to go to the rec room. I’ll take them if that’s cool with you.

  ME: That’s fine. Sorry you’ll get stuck playing pool with them again ☹

  Across the room Nolan’s cell rang. He said, “I need to take this.”

  “Go ahead.”

  Before he answered the call, he warned, “We’re nowhere near done with this conversation, bro,” before he vanished down the hallway.

  My phone buzzed again.

  RL: I wish. They’re determined to play shuffleboard . . . I’ll try and keep them from using the sticks as javelins this time, but no promises.

  ME: Should I come down and supervise?

  RL: Nope. I got this.

  ME: K. Thanx. Let me know if you need anything.

  I set my phone aside and heard Nolan still talking on his. I wandered over to the sliding glass door that led to a minuscule balcony that overlooked the courtyard. From here I could see the rec building. Mimi loved hanging out there with the other kids who lived in the apartment complex since it was packed with fun games like pool, foosball, air hockey, Ping-Pong, and shuffleboard.

  Shuffleboard. I hadn’t thought of that game in years, even when I’d walked over the painted outlines inside the rec center to get to the pool tables. Mimi hadn’t shown interest in playing, and the last time I’d played was years ago with Lucy.

  Man, that had been an eye-opening experience. I hadn’t believed her when she claimed she had no basic sports skills at all—until she’d proved it without a doubt the night of our fourth date . . .

  * * *

  • • •

  You’re joking,” Lucy said as we stood outside the doors to the middle school gymnasium.

  “Nope. I’m completely serious.”

  “This is one of my worst nightmares, Jax. Returning to PE class in middle school, where I didn’t even have the humiliation of being chosen last for a team.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “The PE teacher made me sit on the bench and watch my classmates play games. I never got to play.”

  I tugged her closer and kissed her temple. “That sucks. I’m sorry. But it just proves my point that you don’t know if you’re good at a sport if you haven’t tried it. Your PE teacher was supposed to expose you to different activities so maybe one would click.”

  “Well, that didn’t happen. And the only way this would be worse is if I have to get undressed in the locker room and shower naked with a bunch of strangers.”

  Curling my hands around her face, I tilted her head back, intending to say something to allay her paranoia, but no words came to mind, so I kissed her.

  Damn, did I love kissing this woman. She never held back. No matter where we were, she was totally in the moment with me. No matter if we’d had a heated argument a minute before our lips connected. No matter if we were laughing and being stupid, it faded into the background when we fed this need.

  I ended the kiss slowly, taking my time to memorize every luscious curve of her lips, every sexy sway of her body into mine, every throbbing beat of her pulse.

  “Killer distraction, but stil
l not good enough, buddy,” she muttered as she caught her breath.

  “One game. That’s all I’m asking.”

  Lucy lifted that limpid gaze to mine and I almost said forget it.

  Almost.

  “Let me ask you something, Jaxson. If the situation was reversed and I dragged you to a cooking class, you’d be all gung ho about it?”

  “Yes. Because that proved that you listened to me and wanted to do something thoughtful and personal for me that I’d appreciate, even if it made me a little nervous to try it.”

  “Oh.”

  “So this date-night excursion isn’t an attempt to humiliate you. I just want to push you out of your comfort zone.”

  “Why?”

  Because every moment I spend with you pushes me further out of mine.

  But I didn’t tell her that or confess this fun spring fling had turned into something real for me. Instead, I went for the flip response. “Because you’re letting me.”

  Her jaw dropped and I stole another quick kiss. “Come on. I want to get the court before someone else does.”

  “This game involves a court?” She groaned behind me as I towed her along. “Is it volleyball?”

  “Nope.”

  “Basketball?”

  “Nope.”

  “The court of public opinion?”

  I laughed. “Clever. But, no.”

  “See, if tossing out smartass quips were a sport, I’d be a champion.”

  “Of that, there’s no doubt.”

  We entered the gymnasium. Half a dozen people played volleyball in one corner, and a few people were in the bleachers watching or talking, but besides them, the place was nearly empty.

  A banner across the wall boasted

  YOUR COMMUNITY GYM IS OPEN EVERY NIGHT FROM 6 TO 8 P.M.!

  “Do you live around here?”

  “Nope.”

  “This is another ‘community’ option you just happened to know about?”