When You Are With Me

by E. L. Todd

  He turned his cold gaze on me. “They might not be thrilled that I like men. Did you think of that? I might lose my entire family over this. You told me what happened to your family in Ireland. You think I want to go through that?”

  “They won’t react that way.” Why wouldn’t he listen to me? It was like he was blind to his own family.

  “You don’t know that,” he hissed. Now he was getting defensive and angry. “Heath, I get that you want me to come out and be open. I do. But keep in mind you had your entire life to figure this out. It’s been a year for me. You need to be more patient.”

  “No, I need to push you or you’ll never do it.”

  “I told Conrad and Skye! You aren’t a secret, Heath. I don’t understand you. I tell you I love you, I show you I love you, and I do tell people about you. Three of my friends know about my relationship with you. If you ask me, you’re being selfish.”

  “Selfish?” I asked incredulously. “I’m selfish for not wanting to be a secret?”

  “I didn’t say you would be a secret forever, okay? But give me time.”

  “What are you waiting for, exactly?” I demanded. “You think there’s going to be a perfect time to do this? No, there’s not. No matter how you do it or say it, it’s going to be difficult. You may as well just get it over with.”

  “I think that’s really selfish considering my two friends are getting married soon. I don’t want people walking about us at the wedding. I want it to be about them and nothing else.”

  “I didn’t say plaster it on a goddamn billboard.” I loved him, but damn, I wanted to rip his head off. “Just tell your parents and ask them to keep it to themselves until after the wedding. That isn’t too much to ask.”

  Roland started to pace. “Why are you so obsessed with this?”

  This fight was going to be a really, really bad one. “Because I deserve to be treated right.”

  “Goddammit, Heath,” Roland snarled. “I’m sick of you comparing me to Ander. I’m not him. I never said I would keep you a secret forever. He did. I just need more time. Get off my back.’

  “I’m not comparing you.”

  “Yes, you are. I’m sick of it.”

  We were both hotheaded and about to say something we shouldn’t. We should just walk away now before we burned the apartment down. “I’m going out.” I grabbed my jacket and headed to the door.

  “You’re just leaving?” Roland asked incredulously.

  “I need a break.” I refused to look at him.

  “Maybe we should take a long break.”

  I stopped in my tracks and looked at him.

  Roland was red in the face.

  I knew he didn’t mean that. “I’ll see you later.”

  ‘ “Maybe you won’t,” he snarled. “You’re so obsessed with plastering a rainbow on your shirt so why don’t you find a new boyfriend who’s out in the open? That’s obviously what you want, not me.”

  “I wouldn’t still be here if that were true.”

  “Get out, Heath.” He turned around and looked out the window.

  I stared at his back for a moment before I walked out.

  ***

  Lisa drank her beer and gave me a sad look. “I’m sorry, Heath.”

  “I’m just tired of waiting.” I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. “He says he’s going to come out but he never does. He keeps making excuses to postpone it.”

  “Well, at least he told his sister and his friend. Ander never did that.”

  I hated comparing them. Roland was right. I needed to stop doing it. “I really want to be serious with him but how can I be when he won’t completely commit to me?”

  She regarded me for a long time, treading carefully. “If he’s been gay for a long time, I wouldn’t have any patience for him. But since this is so recent for him, maybe you do need to be a little more patient.”

  “Last time I was patient I was a secret for two years.”

  She gave me that look she’d been giving me for years. “You know it’s not the same thing.”

  Maybe I was just scared I was going to get hurt. Ander ripped me apart, and I never really healed after that. I thought Roland could give me what I needed but since he hadn’t come out, I hadn’t completely trusted him. It was just too similar to what happened with Ander. I promised myself I wouldn’t date guys that were still in the closet but I did it with Roland anyway.

  “Give him more time.”

  “A year isn’t enough?” I hissed.

  “Heath.” She rested her hand on my wrist. “I understand you’re frustrated. I do.”

  “The thing that irritates me is he says he’s going to do it but never does. I would rather him just tell me it’s never going to happen. I feel like he’s wasting my time.”

  “I’ve never met Roland but I highly doubt that’s what he’s trying to do. He wouldn’t have told his sister and friend if that were the case.”

  Maybe. Maybe not. I finished my third beer and knew I should cut myself off.

  “Maybe we should talk about something else,” she said quietly.

  “Like that I’m never going to get married or have kids because every man I date is a coward?” Venom dropped from my voice.

  “Or we can keep talking about it…”

  I finished my beer and decided to order another one. Being drunk was always a good way to minimize my feelings anyway. I looked up at the bar to order a drink when I spotted someone I recognized.

  Ander was standing at the end of the bar, with a few of his friends around him. Jennifer, his closest friend was beside him. And Tim and Johnny were there too. I hadn’t seen him in years, since the last time he wanted to hook up. I thought it was an ominous sign that he was in the same bar at the same time as I was, drowning in my misery over Roland.

  It was a very odd coincidence.

  “What?” Lisa asked, knowing something was wrong.

  I was a lot calmer than I would have been if I were sober. My heart didn’t speed up and I didn’t receive a shot of adrenaline. I nodded toward the end of the bar. “Ander is here.”

  She discreetly followed my gaze. “Oh shit. It is him.”

  I stared at his face, remembering the way the scruff of his jaw used to rub against me in the morning when we woke up in bed together. His eyes were still bright like they once were. He looked exactly the same but he seemed more tone, like he worked out a lot more than before. Distant memories flashed through my mind. I was irritated that I was in the exact same place as I used to be. Ander wouldn’t give me what I wanted then, and Roland wouldn’t give me what I wanted now.

  “Do you want to slip out?” she asked.

  “No. If we leave he’ll see me. The exit is right by where he’s standing. We have a better chance of staying put.”

  She nodded in agreement. “He looks a little different.”

  “He does.” I wondered if he was seeing anybody. If he was, were they a secret too?

  “You’re awfully calm right now,” Lisa noted.

  “Drunk, actually.”

  Lisa watched me closely but didn’t make any further comments.

  I sat back in my seat and waited for Ander and his friends to leave. I couldn’t approach the bar and order another drink because he might see me. But I couldn’t leave either.

  “Do you still miss him?” she asked. “You guys were together for a long time.”

  I tried not to think about it. “You never forget your first love.” I followed him all the way from Ireland. Ander would have a special place in my heart forever, as much as I wish it weren’t true. I didn’t think about him on a daily basis, and I certainly didn’t think about him when I was with Roland. But sometimes feelings linger.

  “Looks like we’re going to be here for a long time.”

  “Yeah, it looks like it.”

  ***

  Ander laughed at something Jennifer said then left his beer on the counter. Then he headed my way toward the bathroom.

  �
��He’s coming this way,” Lisa said.

  I turned to her so my face was slightly averted. It seemed like we were having a deep conversation. He probably wouldn’t notice. The only way he would was if he looked closely.

  When Lisa’s eyes left mine and stared past my shoulder, I knew my brilliant plan didn’t work. I wasn’t prepared to talk to him. I wasn’t sure what I would say. Sometimes exes could be friends. But I didn’t think that was possible for he and I. There was too much pain, too much history.

  I released a deep sigh and turned his way. He wasn’t smiling like he was a moment ago. A serious look was on his face, as if he’d seen a ghost. His brown hair was short like it’d always been, and he wore a collared shirt with black jeans. His shoulders were broad like I remembered. And his face was scruffy for not shaving for a few days. His hands were in his pockets, like he was withdrawn from me. But then why did he stop? He could have kept going and pretended he hadn’t seen me.

  I spoke first. “Hey, Ander. How are you?” I was actually relieved I was drunk. This was so much easier when I was subdued and calm. It seemed like I didn’t care at all that he was there even though we both knew I was the one who walked away from the relationship with a wounded heart.

  He cleared his throat like he just woke up and didn’t have a voice. “Well. How about you?”

  “Good. Just hanging out with Lisa. You remember her?”

  “Yeah,” he said quickly. He looked to her in acknowledgement then turned back to me. “So…what brings you here?”

  This was incredibly awkward. Why didn’t he just keep walking? “Just having a drink with a friend. How about you?”

  “I’m with the gang, Jennifer, Tim, and Johnny.”

  “Cool,” I said. “Tell them I said hi.”

  “Yeah, I will.” Ander kept staring at me like he wanted to say something else.

  I stared back, waiting for him to walk away.

  “You look good,” he blurted.

  The compliment caught me off guard. I thought I looked like hell. I just fought with my boyfriend for two hours so I assumed I would have a hopeless expression on my face. “Thanks. You too.”

  He stared at me for almost a minute, like he thought I might say something else.

  “Well, it was nice seeing you.” I politely dismissed him.

  He shifted his weight then scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah, you too.” He stepped back then headed to the bathroom.

  I turned back to Lisa. “Wow, that was awkward.”

  She smiled at me. “You handled that so well.”

  “I did?” I asked in surprise.

  “Yeah, you were polite but detached. You made it clear you were over him without trying too hard.”

  “You can thank the alcohol for that.” I held up the empty bottle.

  “You okay?” she asked. “I mean, I know how you felt about him.”

  “I’m fine,” I said. “But seeing him reminds me of Roland and our predicament. I’m scared we’re going to have the same fate.”

  “You won’t,” she said. “Roland knows how you feel about this. He’ll come around.”

  “I hope so.”

  ***

  Lisa and I walked out, and I did my very best not to even look in Ander’s direction. I didn’t wan to have an awkward goodbye or wave at the people I once considered friends. I just wanted to get out of there and hope that was the last time I’d ever see Ander.

  Once the doors were closed and we reached the sidewalk, I relaxed. “Well, thanks for meeting up with me.”

  “Sure. Don’t be too hard on him. I know you’re concerned but be a little patient.”

  I could try but I had a feeling I wouldn’t succeed. “Can I walk you home?”

  “No, I’ll be fine,” she said as she hugged me. “I’ll see you later.”

  I hugged her back. “Alright.”

  When she pulled away she kissed me on the cheek. “If only you weren’t gay.” She sighed then walked away.

  I chuckled then turned in the opposite direction, ready to head home to my empty apartment. Roland would stay at his place and I knew he didn’t want to talk to me for the rest of the night. I’d be sleeping alone.

  “Heath, wait.”

  I stilled in my tracks when I recognized his voice.

  Ander caught up to me then faced me.

  Why did he go out of his way to chase me down? What could he possibly have to say to me? Years had come and gone. There was nothing left but awkwardness.

  He got flustered the moment I had his attention. “Do you need to be somewhere right now?”

  Why was he asking? “Just headed home.”

  “Well, can I walk with you?”

  This was weird. “I guess…” I started down the sidewalk.

  He walked beside me. He was the same height as me. It was convenient because we were at the same height when we kissed. But that was in the past so I shouldn’t think about it.

  “Are you still at the magazine?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And you’re still a writer?” he asked.

  “Yeah.” I felt like I should ask him something so I wouldn’t seem rude. “Still in real estate?”

  “Yeah…no complaints.”

  Ander got into that the moment he moved to New York and he made a nice living for himself. That was another reason why he didn’t want to come out. He didn’t want to scare away potential clients because of his sexuality. “That’s great,” I said with fake enthusiasm. What else was there to talk about? The weather?

  “You still good friends with Lisa?”

  Well, you just saw me with her. “Yeah. We see each other all the time.”

  “That’s cool,” he said.

  We walked for a few minutes without saying anything. When we got closer to my apartment I stopped walking. The last thing I needed was Roland to see me approach my place with a guy in tow. It wouldn’t look good. “Well, it was nice seeing you, Ander.” That was my polite way of asking him to stop following me.

  “Uh, yeah. Sure.”

  “Take care.” I turned away.

  “Heath, wait.”

  I wanted to growl in his face. “Yes, Ander?” I turned to him and didn’t hide my irritation.

  “You want to get dinner tomorrow night?” Judging the hesitance in his eyes he feared I might say no.

  He wanted to get dinner? Or did he just want to hook up? “Ander, I don’t do the hook up thing. And you know that.” I started to walk away. “Good night.”

  “That’s not why I’m asking,” he said breathlessly. “I really just want to have dinner and catch up.”

  “Catch up?” I asked. “We aren’t friends, Ander.”

  “I…I just want to see you again.” He put his hands in his pockets.

  It irritated me that he assumed I was single. “I’m seeing someone.”

  His face fell in disappointment. “Oh…okay.”

  “Goodnight,” I said for the zillionth time.

  “Is it serious?”

  I turned back to him. “What gives you the right to ask that?” I was starting to get angry. All the resentment I felt toward him was bubbling to the surface. I would never forget the way he hurt me, the way he dragged me through the mud without mercy.

  “I’m just curious.” He swallowed the lump in his throat.

  “I’m not looking for something else. That should answer your question.” This time I didn’t turn away because I assumed he would speak again.

  “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to come off so forward.”

  I kept my hands in the pockets of my jacket. “I don’t understand. You run into me at a bar so you ask me to dinner? You weren’t thinking about me before tonight and you won’t think about me afterwards. So, let’s just walk away while we can still be civil to each other.”

  The light breeze moved through his hair slightly. “That’s the thing…I have been thinking about you. Dreaming about you, actually.”

  I didn’t know how to react to th
at declaration.

  “And now that I’ve run into you…I know it’s a sign. You believe in that, right?”

  It gave me shivers that I did believe that. I just thought it in the bar. Roland and I have a fight and then I run into Ander? It was a freaky coincidence. “I might.”

  “I know it’s late now but…can we get a cup of coffee or something?” he asked. “So, we can talk?”

  A part of me wanted to go. I didn’t know what part of me that was but it was there. But I also thought about Roland. Even if nothing happened with Ander he wouldn’t be happy if he knew what I did. And I didn’t want to hurt him. “I’m sorry, Ander. I can’t.”

  “How about tomorrow?”

  “I told you I’m seeing someone. The time is irrelevant.”

  He sighed in disappointment. “Call me if you change your mind.”

  “I won’t.”

  He nodded. “Well, it was nice seeing you, Heath.”

  “You too,” I said quietly.

  He stared at me with a look of longing before he turned around and walked away.

  What just happened?

  Chapter Seventeen

  Roland

  I knocked on Conrad’s door. “Dude, it’s me.” He didn’t answer so I knocked again. “It’s Roland.” I knew he was home since his car was in the garage. I tried the handle and it was unlocked so I walked inside.

  His living room was empty. “Conrad, it’s me,” I shouted. I opened the refrigerator and grabbed a beer before I sat down on the couch. A game was on but the TV was on mute. I turned it on.

  Conrad came out of the hallway a second later, wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt. His hair was messy and he looked sweaty, like he was just doing his nightly push-ups. “Thanks for barging in, man.”

  “How many times have you barged in on me?” I countered.

  “Touché.” He grabbed his own beer then sat on the other couch. “What’s up?”

  “I’m pissed off. That’s what.”

  He raised his hands in the air. “Shit, what did I do?”

  “Not you, idiot,” I hissed. “Heath.”

  “What could he possibly have done?” he asked. “That guy is the coolest person ever.”

  I appreciated the compliment even though I was mad. “He keeps riding my ass about telling my parents.”